LIBRARY  OF  PRINCETON 

i 

NOV  2  9 

i 

THEOLOGICAL  SEMINAR 

y 

BX  6955  .T83  1907 
Twain,  Mark,  1835-1910 
Christian  science 


Autljnr'a  National  iEfottum 


THE  WRITINGS  OF 

MARK  TWAIN 
Volume  XXV 


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MARK   TWAIN,    I906 


pillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllH 

1  CHRISTIAN  SCIENCE   I 

WITH    NOTES    CONTAINING 
CORRECTIONS     TO     DATE 


BY 

MARK  TWAIN 

(SAMUEL    L.    CLEMENS) 


ILLUSTRATED 


LIBRARY  OF  PRU  :ETON 


THEOLOGICAL  SENARY 


HARPER  y   BROTHERS   PUBLISHERS 

NEW   YORK    AND    LONDON 

lIllllllllllllilllllllllllllllPlllllllllllllllH 


Christian  Science 


Copyright,  1899,  by  Cosmopolitan  Publishing  Co. 

Copyright.  1902,  1903,  by  The  North  American  Review  Publishing  Co. 

Copyright,  1907.  by  Harper  &  Brothers 

Printed  in  the  United  State9  of  America 

9-T 


PREFACE 

BOOK  I  of  this  volume  occupies  a  quarter  or 
a  third  of  the  volume,  and  consists  of  matter 
written  about  four  years  ago,  but  not  hitherto  pub- 
lished in  book  form.  It  contained  errors  of  judg- 
ment and  of  fact.  I  have  now  corrected  these  to 
the  best  of  my  ability  and  later  knowledge. 

Book  II  was  written  at  the  beginning  of  1903, 
and  has  not  until  now  appeared  in  any  form.  In  it 
my  purpose  has  been  to  present  a  character-portrait 
of  Mrs.  Eddy,  drawn  from  her  own  acts  and  words 
solely,  not  from  hearsay  and  rumor;  and  to  explain 
the  nature  and  scope  of  her  Monarchy,  as  revealed 
in  the  Laws  by  which  she  governs  it,  and  which  she 
wrote  herself. 

Mark  Twain. 
New  York,  January,  1907. 


BOOK  I 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 


"//  is  the  first  time  since  the  dawn-days  of  Creation  that  a  Voice 
has  gone  crashing  through  space  with  such  placid  and  com- 
placent confidence  and  command" 

CHAPTER  I 

Vienna,  1899. 

THIS  last  summer,  when  I  was  on  my  way 
back  to  Vienna  from  the  Appetite  Cure  in  the 
mountains,  I  fell  over  a  cliff  in  the  twilight  and 
broke  some  arms  and  legs  and  one  thing  or  another, 
and  by  good  luck  was  found  by  some  peasants  who 
had  lost  an  ass,  and  they  carried  me  to  the  nearest 
habitation,  which  was  one  of  those  large,  low, 
thatch-roofed  farm-houses,  with  apartments  in  the 
garret  for  the  family,  and  a  cunning  little  porch 
under  the  deep  gable  decorated  with  boxes  of  bright- 
colored  flowers  and  cats;  on  the  ground-floor  a 
large  and  light  sitting-room,  separated  from  the 
milch-cattle  apartment  by  a  partition;  and  in  the 
front  yard  rose  stately  and  fine  the  wealth  and  pride 
of  the  house,  the  manure-pile.  That  sentence  is 
Germanic,  and  shows  that  I  am  acquiring  that  sort 
of  mastery  of  the  art  and  spirit  of  the  language 

3 


MARK     TWAIN 

which  enables  a  man  to  travel  all  day  in  one  sentence 
without  changing  cars. 

There  was  a  village  a  mile  away,  and  a  horse- 
doctor  lived  there,  but  there  was  no  surgeon.  It 
seemed  a  bad  outlook;  mine  was  distinctly  a  sur- 
gery case.  Then  it  was  remembered  that  a  lady 
from  Boston  was  summering  in  that  village,  and  she 
was  a  Christian  Science  doctor  and  could  cure  any- 
thing. So  she  was  sent  for.  It  was  night  by  this 
time,  and  she  could  not  conveniently  come,  but 
sent  word  that  it  was  no  matter,  there  was  no  hurry, 
she  would  give  me  "absent  treatment"  now,  and 
come  in  the  morning;  meantime  she  begged  me  to 
make  myself  tranquil  and  comfortable  and  remem- 
ber that  there  was  nothing  the  matter  with  me.  I 
thought  there  must  be  some  mistake. 

"Did  you  tell  her  I  walked  off  a  cliff  seventy-five 
feet  high?" 

"Yes." 

"And  struck  a  boulder  at  the  bottom  and 
bounced?" 

"Yes." 

"And  struck  another  one  and  bounced  again?" 

"Yes." 

"And  struck  another  one  and  bounced  yet  again?" 

"Yes." 

"And  broke  the  boulders?" 

"Yes." 

"That  accounts  for  it;  she  is  thinking  of  the 
boulders.     Why  didn't  you  tell  her  I  got  hurt,  too?" 

"I  did.  I  told  her  what  you  told  me  to  tell  her: 
that  you  were  now  but  an  incoherent  series  of  com- 

4 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

pound  fractures  extending  from  your  scalp-lock  to 
your  heels,  and  that  the  comminuted  projections 
caused  you  to  look  like  a  hat-rack." 

"And  it  was  after  this  that  she  wished  me  to  re- 
member that  there  was  nothing  the  matter  with  me  ?" 

"Those  were  her  words." 

"I  do  not  understand  it.  I  believe  she  has  not 
diagnosed  the  case  with  sufficient  care.  Did  she 
look  like  a  person  who  was  theorizing,  or  did  she  look 
like  one  who  has  fallen  off  precipices  herself  and 
brings  to  the  aid  of  abstract  science  the  confirmations 
of  personal  experience?" 

"Bitte?" 

It  was  too  large  a  contract  for  the  Stubenmadcken1  s 
vocabulary;  she  couldn't  call  the  hand.  I  allowed 
the  subject  to  rest  there,  and  asked  for  something  to 
eat  and  smoke,  and  something  hot  to  drink,  and  a 
basket  to  pile  my  legs  in;  but  I  could  not  have  any  of 
these  things. 

"Why?" 

"She  said  you  would  need  nothing  at  all." 

"But  I  am  hungry  and  thirsty,  and  in  desperate 
pain." 

"She  said  you  would  have  these  delusions,  but 
must  pay  no  attention  to  them.  She  wants  you  to 
particularly  remember  that  there  are  no  such  things 
as  hunger  and  thirst  and  pain." 

"She  does,  does  she?" 

"It  is  what  she  said." 

"Does  she  seem  to  be  in  full  and  functionable 
possession  of  her  intellectual  plant,  such  as  it  is?" 

" Bitter 

5 


MARK     TWAIN 

"Do  they  let  her  run  at  large,  or  do  they  tie  her 
up?" 

"Tie  her  up?" 

"There,  good  night,  run  along;  you  are  a  good 
girl,  but  your  mental  Geschirr  is  not  arranged  for 
light  and  airy  conversation.  Leave  me  to  my 
delusions." 


CHAPTER  II 

IT  was  a  night  of  anguish,  of  course — at  least, 
I  supposed  it  was,  for  it  had  all  the  symptoms 
of  it — but  it  passed  at  last,  and  the  Christian 
Scientist  came,  and  I  was  glad.  She  was  middle- 
aged,  and  large  and  bony,  and  erect,  and  had  an 
austere  face  and  a  resolute  jaw  and  a  Roman  beak 
and  was  a  widow  in  the  third  degree,  and  her 
name  was  Fuller.  I  was  eager  to  get  to  business 
and  find  relief,  but  she  was  distressingly  deliberate. 
She  unpinned  and  unhooked  and  uncoupled  her 
upholsteries  one  by  one,  abolished  the  wrinkles 
with  a  flirt  of  her  hand,  and  hung  the  articles 
up;  peeled  off  her  gloves  and  disposed  of  them, 
got  a  book  out  of  her  hand-bag,  then  drew  a  chair 
to  the  bedside,  descended  into  it  without  hurry, 
and  I  hung  out  my  tongue.  She  said,  with  pity 
but  without  passion: 

"Return  it  to  its  receptacle.  We  deal  with  the 
mind  only,  not  with  its  dumb  servants.' ' 

I  could  not  offer  my  pulse,  because  the  connection 
was  broken;  but  she  detected  the  apology  before  I 
could  word  it,  and  indicated  by  a  negative  tilt  of  her 
head  that  the  pulse  was  another  dumb  servant  that 
she  had  no  use  for.  Then  I  thought  I  would  tell 
her  my  symptoms  and  how  I  felt,  so  that  she  would 

7 


MARK     TWAIN 

understand  the  case;  but  that  was  another  incon- 
sequence, she  did  not  need  to  know  those  things; 
moreover,  my  remark  about  how  I  felt  was  an  abuse 
of  language,  a  misapplication  of  terms. 

"One  does  not  jeel"  she  explained;  "there  is  no 
such  thing  as  feeling:  therefore,  to  speak  of  a  non- 
existent thing  as  existent  is  a  contradiction.  Matter 
has  no  existence ;  nothing  exists  but  mind ;  the  mind 
cannot  feel  pain,  it  can  only  imagine  it." 

"But  if  it  hurts,  just  the  same — " 

"It  doesn't.  A  thing  which  is  unreal  cannot 
exercise  the  functions  of  reality.  Pain  is  unreal; 
hence,  pain  cannot  hurt." 

In  making  a  sweeping  gesture  to  indicate  the  act 
of  shooting  the  illusion  of  pain  out  of  the  mind,  she 
raked  her  hand  on  a  pin  in  her  dress,  said  "Ouch!" 
and  went  tranquilly  on  with  her  talk.  ' '  You  should 
never  allow  yourself  to  speak  of  how  you  feel,  nor 
permit  others  to  ask  you  how  you  are  feeling;  you 
should  never  concede  that  you  are  ill,  nor  permit 
others  to  talk  about  disease  or  pain  or  death  or 
similar  non-existences  in  your  presence.  Such  talk 
only  encourages  the  mind  to  continue  its  empty 
imaginings."  Just  at  that  point  the  Stubenmddchen 
trod  on  the  cat's  tail,  and  the  cat  let  fly  a  frenzy  of 
cat  profanity.     I  asked,  with  caution: 

"Is  a  cat's  opinion  about  pain  valuable?" 

"A  cat  has  no  opinion;  opinions  proceed  from 
mind  only;  the  lower  animals,  being  eternally 
perishable,  have  not  been  granted  mind;  without 
mind,  opinion  is  impossible." 

"She  merely  imagined  she  felt  a  pain — the  cat?" 

8 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

"She  cannot  imagine  a  pain,  for  imagining  is  an 
effect  of  mind ;  without  mind,  there  is  no  imagination. 
A  cat  has  no  imagination." 

"Then  she  had  a  real  pain?" 

"I  have  already  told  you  there  is  no  such  thing  as 
real  pain." 

"It  is  strange  and  interesting.  I  do  wonder 
what  was  the  matter  with  the  cat.  Because,  there 
being  no  such  thing  as  a  real  pain,  and  she  not  being 
able  to  imagine  an  imaginary  one,  it  would  seem 
that  God  in  His  pity  has  compensated  the  cat  with 
some  kind  of  a  mysterious  emotion  usable  when  her 
tail  is  trodden  on  which,  for  the  moment,  joins  cat 
and  Christian  in  one  common  brotherhood  of — " 

She  broke  in  with  an  irritated — 

"Peace!  The  cat  feels  nothing,  the  Christian 
feels  nothing.  Your  empty  and  foolish  imaginings 
are  profanation  and  blasphemy,  and  can  do  you  an 
injury.  It  is  wiser  and  better  and  holier  to  recog- 
nize and  confess  that  there  is  no  such  thing  as 
disease  or  pain  or  death." 

"I  am  full  of  imaginary  tortures,"  I  said,  "but  I 
do  not  think  I  could  be  any  more  uncomfortable  if 
they  were  real  ones.  What  must  I  do  to  get  rid 
of  them?" 

"There  is  no  occasion  to  get  rid  of  them,  since 
they  do  not  exist.  They  are  illusions  propagated 
by  matter,  and  matter  has  no  existence;  there  is 
no  such  thing  as  matter." 

"It  sounds  right  and  clear,  but  yet  it  seems  in  a 
degree  elusive;  it  seems  to  slip  through,  just  when 
you  think  you  are  getting  a  grip  on  it." 

2  9 


MARK    TWAIN 

"Explain." 

"Well,  for  instance:  if  there  is  no  such  thing  as 
matter,  how  can  matter  propagate  things  ?" 

In  her  compassion  she  almost  smiled.  She  would 
have  smiled  if  there  were  any  such  thing  as  a  smile. 

"It  is  quite  simple,"  she  said;  "the  fundamental 
propositions  of  Christian  Science  explain  it,  and  they 
are  summarized  in  the  four  following  self-evident 
propositions:  i.  God  is  All  in  all.  2.  God  is  good. 
Good  is  Mind.  3.  God,  Spirit,  being  all,  nothing  is 
matter.  4.  Life,  God,  omnipotent  Good,  deny 
death,  evil,  sin,  disease.     There — now  you  see." 

It  seemed  nebulous;  it  did  not  seem  to  say  any- 
thing about  the  difficulty  in  hand — how  non-exist- 
ent matter  can  propagate  illusions.  I  said,  with 
some  hesitancy: 

"Does — does  it  explain?" 

11  Doesn't  it?  Even  if  read  backward  it  will 
do  it." 

With  a  budding  hope,  I  asked  her  to  do  it  back- 
ward. 

"Very  well.  Disease  sin  evil  death  deny  Good 
omnipotent  God  life  matter  is  nothing  all  being 
Spirit  God  Mind  is  Good  good  is  God  all  in  All  is 
God.     There — do  you  understand  now?" 

"It — it — well,  it  is  plainer  than  it  was  before; 
still—" 

"Well?" 

"Could  you  try  it  some  more  ways?" 

"As  many  as  you  like;  it  always  means  the  same. 
Interchanged  in  any  way  you  please  it  cannot  be 
made  to  mean   anything  different   from  what  it 

10 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

means  when  put  in  any  other  way.  Because  it  is 
perfect.  You  can  jumble  it  all  up,  and  it  makes  no 
difference:  it  always  comes  out  the  way  it  was  be- 
fore. It  was  a  marvelous  mind  that  produced  it. 
As  a  mental  tour  de  force  it  is  without  a  mate,  it  de- 
fies alike  the  simple,  the  concrete,  and  the  occult." 

"It  seems  to  be  a  corker." 

I  blushed  for  the  word,  but  it  was  out  before  I 
could  stop  it. 

"A  what?" 

"A — wonderful  structure — combination,  so  to 
speak,  of  profound  thoughts — unthinkable  ones — 
un— " 

"It  is  true.  Read  backward,  or  forward,  or  per- 
pendicularly, or  at  any  given  angle,  these  four  prop- 
ositions will  always  be  found  to  agree  in  statement 
and  proof." 

"Ah — proof.  Now  we  are  coming  at  it.  The 
statements  agree;  they  agree  with — with — anyway, 
they  agree;  I  noticed  that;  but  what  is  it  they 
prove — I  mean,  in  particular?" 

"Why,  nothing  could  be  clearer.  They  prove: 
i.  God — Principle,  Life,  Truth,  Love,  Soul,  Spirit, 
Mind.     Do  you  get  that?" 

"I — well,  I  seem  to.     Go  on,  please." 

"2.  Man — God's  universal  idea,  individual,  per- 
fect, eternal.     Is  it  clear?" 

"It— I  think  so.     Continue." 

"3.  Idea — An  image  in  Mind;  the  immediate  ob- 
ject of  understanding.  There  it  is — the  whole  sub- 
lime Arcana  of  Christian  Science  in  a  nutshell.  Do 
you  find  a  weak  place  in  it  anywhere?" 

11 


MARK    TWAIN 

"Well — no;   it  seems  strong." 

"Very  well.  There  is  more.  Those  three  con- 
stitute the  Scientific  Definition  of  Immortal  Mind. 
Next,  we  have  the  Scientific  Definition  of  Mortal 
Mind.  Thus.  First  Degree:  Depravity,  i.  Physi- 
cal— Passions  and  appetites,  fear,  depraved  will, 
pride,  envy,  deceit,  hatred,  revenge,  sin,  disease, 
death." 

"  Phantasms,  madam — unrealities,  as  I  under- 
stand it." 

"Every  one.  Second  Degree:  Evil  Disappear- 
ing, i.  Moral — Honesty,  affection,  compassion, 
hope,  faith,  meekness,  temperance.     Is  it  clear?" 

"Crystal." 

"Third  Degree:  Spiritual  Salvation,  i.  Spirit- 
ual— Faith,  wisdom,  power,  purity,  understanding, 
health,  love.  You  see  how  searchingly  and  co- 
ordinately  interdependent  and  anthropomorphous  it 
all  is.  In  this  Third  Degree,  as  we  know  by  the 
revelations  of  Christian  Science,  mortal  mind  dis- 
appears." 

"Not  earlier?" 

"No,  not  until  the  teaching  and  preparation  for 
the  Third  Degree  are  completed." 

"It  is  not  until  then  that  one  is  enabled  to  take 
hold  of  Christian  Science  effectively,  and  with  the 
right  sense  of  sympathy  and  kinship,  as  I  under- 
stand you.  That  is  to  say,  it  could  not  succeed  dur- 
ing the  processes  of  the  Second  Degree,  because  there 
would  still  be  remains  of  mind  left ;  and  therefore — 
but  I  interrupted  you.  You  were  about  to  further 
explain  the  good  results  proceeding  from  the  erosions 

12 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

and  disintegrations  effected  by  the  Third  Degree. 
It  is  very  interesting;    go  on,  please." 

"Yes,  as  I  was  saying,  in  this  Third  Degree  mortal 
mind  disappears.  Science  so  reverses  the  evidence 
before  the  corporeal  human  senses  as  to  make  this 
scriptural  testimony  true  in  our  hearts,  'the  last 
shall  be  first  and  the  first  shall  be  last/  that  God 
and  His  idea  may  be  to  us — what  divinity  really  is, 
and  must  of  necessity  be — all-inclusive." 

"It  is  beautiful.  And  with  what  exhaustive 
exactness  your  choice  and  arrangement  of  words 
confirm  and  establish  what  you  have  claimed  for 
the  powers  and  functions  of  the  Third  Degree.  The 
Second  could  probably  produce  only  temporary 
absence  of  mind;  it  is  reserved  to  the  Third  to  make 
it  permanent.  A  sentence  framed  under  the  aus- 
pices of  the  Second  could  have  a  kind  of  meaning — 
a  sort  of  deceptive  semblance  of  it — whereas  it  is 
only  under  the  magic  of  the  Third  that  that  defect 
would  disappear.  Also,  without  doubt,  it  is  the 
Third  Degree  that  contributes  another  remarkable 
specialty  to  Christian  Science — viz.,  ease  and  flow 
and  lavishness  of  words,  and  rhythm  and  swing  and 
smoothness.  There  must  be  a  special  reason  for 
this?" 

"Yes— God-all,  all-God,  good  God,  non-Matter, 
Matteration,  Spirit,  Bones,  Truth." 

"That  explains  it." 

"There  is  nothing  in  Christian  Science  that  is 
not  explicable;  for  God  is  one,  Time  is  one,  In- 
dividuality is  one,  and  may  be  one  of  a  series,  one 
of  many,  as  an  individual  man,  individual  horse; 

13 


MARK    TWAIN 

whereas  God  is  one,  not  one  of  a  series,  but  one  alone 
and  without  an  equal." 

"  These  are  noble  thoughts.  They  make  one  burn 
to  know  more.  How  does  Christian  Science  ex- 
plain the  spiritual  relation  of  systematic  duality  to 
incidental  deflection  ?" 

"Christian  Science  reverses  the  seeming  relation 
of  Soul  and  body — as  astronomy  reverses  the  human 
perception  of  the  movement  of  the  solar  system — 
and  makes  body  tributary  to  the  Mind.  As  it  is 
the  earth  which  is  in  motion,  while  the  sun  is  at 
rest,  though  in  viewing  the  sun  rise  one  finds  it 
impossible  to  believe  the  sun  not  to  be  really  rising, 
so  the  body  is  but  the  humble  servant  of  the  restful 
Mind,  though  it  seems  otherwise  to  finite  sense; 
but  we  shall  never  understand  this  while  we  admit 
that  soul  is  in  body,  or  mind  in  matter,  and  that 
man  is  included  in  non-intelligence.  Soul  is  God, 
unchangeable  and  eternal;  and  man  coexists  with 
and  reflects  Soul,  for  the  All-in-all  is  the  Altogether, 
and  the  Altogether  embraces  the  All-one,  Soul- 
Mind,  Mind-Soul,  Love,  Spirit,  Bones,  Liver,  one 
of  a  series,  alone  and  without  an  equal.' ' 

"What  is  the  origin  of  Christian  Science?  Is  it  a 
gift  of  God,  or  did  it  just  happen?" 

"In  a  sense,  it  is  a  gift  of  God.  That  is  to  say, 
its  powers  are  from  Him,  but  the  credit  of  the  dis- 
covery of  the  powers  and  what  they  are  for  is  due 
to  an  American  lady." 

"Indeed?     When  did  this  occur?" 

"In  1866.  That  is  the  immortal  date  when  pain 
and  disease  and  death  disappeared  from  the  earth 

14 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

to  return  no  more  forever.     That  is,  the  fancies  for 
which  those  terms  stand  disappeared.     The  things 
themselves  had  never  existed;  therefore,  as  soon  as  it 
was  perceived  that  there  were  no  such  things,  they 
were  easily  banished.     The  history  and  nature  of  the 
great  discovery  are  set  down  in  the  book  here,  and — " 
"Did  the  lady  write  the  book?" 
"Yes,    she   wrote   it   all,    herself.    The   title   is 
Science  and  Health,  with  Key  to  the  Scriptures — 
for  she  explains  the  Scriptures;  they  were  not  under- 
stood before.     Not  even  by  the  twelve  Disciples. 
She  begins  thus — I  will  read  it  to  you." 
But  she  had  forgotten  to  bring  her  glasses. 
"Well,  it  is  no  matter,"  she  said.     "I  remember 
the  words— indeed,  all  Christian  Scientists  know  the 
book  by  heart;   it  is  necessary  in  our  practice.     We 
should  otherwise  make  mistakes  and  do  harm.     She 
begins  thus:    'In  the  year   1866  I  discovered  the 
Science   of   Metaphysical   Healing,    and   named   it 
Christian   Science/     And   she   says— quite   beauti- 
fully, I  think— 'Through  Christian  Science,  religion 
and  medicine  are  inspired  with  a  diviner  nature  and 
essence,  fresh  pinions  are  given  to  faith  and  under- 
standing, and  thoughts  acquaint  themselves  intelli- 
gently with  God. '     Her  very  words. 

"It  is  elegant.  And  it  is  a  fine  thought,  too 
— marrying  religion  to  medicine,  instead  of  medicine 
to  the  undertaker  in  the  old  way;  for  religion  and 
medicine  properly  belong  together,  they  being  the 
basis  of. all  spiritual  and  physical  health.  What 
kind  of  medicine  do  you  give  for  the  ordinary 
diseases,  such  as — " 

15 


MARK    TWAIN 

"We  never  give  medicine  in  any  circumstances 
whatever!    We — " 

"But,  madam,  it  says — " 

"I  don't  care  what  it  says,  and  I  don't  wish  to  talk 
about  it." 

"I  am  sorry  if  I  have  offended,  but  you  see  the 
mention  seemed  in  some  way  inconsistent,  and — " 

"There  are  no  inconsistencies  in  Christian  Science. 
The  thing  is  impossible,  for  the  Science  is  absolute. 
It  cannot  be  otherwise,  since  it  proceeds  directly 
from  the  All-in-all  and  the  E very thing-in- Which, 
also  Soul,  Bones*  Truth,  one  of  a  series,  alone  and 
without  equal.  It  is  Mathematics  purified  from 
material  dross  and  made  spiritual." 

"I  can  see  that,  but — " 

"It  rests  upon  the  immovable  basis  of  an  Apodic- 
tical  Principle." 

The  word  flattened  itself  against  my  mind  in  trying 
to  get  in,  and  disordered  me  a  little,  and  before  I 
could  inquire  into  its  pertinency,  she  was  already 
throwing  the  needed  light: 

"This  Apodictical  Principle  is  the  absolute  Prin- 
ciple of  Scientific  Mind-healing,  the  sovereign 
Omnipotence  which  delivers  the  children  of  men 
from  pain,  disease,  decay,  and  every  ill  that  flesh 
is  heir  to." 

"Surely  not  every  ill,  every  decay?" 

" Every  one;  there  are  no  exceptions;  there  is  no 
such  thing  as  decay — it  is  an  unreality,  it  has  no 
existence." 

"But  without  your  glasses  your  failing  eyesight 
does  not  permit  you  to — " 

16 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

"My  eyesight  cannot  fail;  nothing  can  fail;  the 
Mind  is  master,  and  the  Mind  permits  no  retro- 
gression." 

She  was  under  the  inspiration  of  the  Third  Degree, 
therefore  there  could  be  no  profit  in  continuing  this 
part  of  the  subject.  I  shifted  to  other  ground  and 
inquired  further  concerning  the  Discoverer  of  the 
Science. 

"Did  the  discovery  come  suddenly,  like  Klon- 
dike, or  after  long  study  and  calculation,  like 
America?" 

"The  comparisons  are  not  respectful,  since  they 
refer  to  trivialities — but  let  it  pass.  I  will  answer 
in  the  Discoverer's  own  words:  'God  had  been 
graciously  fitting  me,  during  many  years,  for  the 
reception  of  a  final  revelation  of  the  absolute  Prin- 
ciple of  Scientific  Mind-healing/" 

1 '  Many  years.     How  many  ? ' ' 

1 '  Eighteen  centuries ! ' ' 

"All-God,  God  good,  good  God,  Truth,  Bones, 
Liver,  one  of  a  series,  alone  and  without  equal — it  is 
amazing!" 

"You  may  well  say  it,  sir.  Yet  it  is  but  the 
truth.  This  American  lady,  our  revered  and  sacred 
Founder,  is  distinctly  referred  to,  and  her  coming 
prophesied,  in  the  twelfth  chapter  of  the  Apocalypse ; 
she  could  not  have  been  more  plainly  indicated  by 
St.  John  without  actually  mentioning  her  name." 

"How  strange,  how  wonderful!" 

"I  will  quote  her  own  words,  from  her  Key  to  the 
Scriptures:  'The  twelfth  chapter  of  the  Apocalypse 
has  a  special  suggestiveness  in  connection  with  this 

17 


MARK    TWAIN 

nineteenth  century.1  There — do  you  note  that? 
Think— note  it  well." 

"But — what  does  it  mean?" 

"Listen,  and  you  will  know.  I  quote  her  in- 
spired words  again:  'In  the  opening  of  the  Sixth 
Seal,  typical  of  six  thousand  years  since  Adam, 
there  is  one  distinctive  feature  which  has  special 
reference  to  the  present  age.     Thus: 

"f  Revelation  xii.  i.  And  there  appeared  a  great  wonder  in 
heaven — a  woman  clothed  with  the  sun,  and  the  moon  under 
her  feet,  and  upon  her  head  a  crown  of  twelve  stars. ' 

"That  is  our  Head,  our  Chief,  our  Discoverer  of 
Christian  Science — nothing  can  be  plainer,  nothing 
surer.     And  note  this: 

'"Revelation  xii.  6.  And  the  woman  fled  into  the  wilderness, 
where  she  had  a  place  prepared  of  God.' " 

"That  is  Boston.  I  recognize  it,  madam.  These 
are  sublime  things,  and  impressive;  I  never  under- 
stood these  passages  before;  please  go  on  with  the 
— with  the — proofs." 

"Very  well.     Listen: 

"'And  I  saw  another  mighty  angel  come  down  from  heaven, 
clothed  with  a  cloud;  and  a  rainbow  was  upon  his  head,  and 
his  face  was  as  it  were  the  sun,  and  his  feet  as  pillars  of  fire. 
And  he  held  in  his  hand  a  little  book.7 

"A  little  book,  merely  a  little  book — could  words 
be  modester?  Yet  how  stupendous  its  importance! 
Do  you  know  what  book  that  was?" 

"Was  it—" 

"I  hold  it  in  my  hand — Christian  Science!" 

18 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

"Love,  Livers,  Lights,  Bones,  Truth,  Kidneys, 
one  of  a  series,  alone  and  without  equal — it  is  beyond 
imagination  for  wonder!" 

"Hear  our  Founder's  eloquent  words:  'Then  will 
a  voice  from  harmony  cry,  "Go  and  take  the  little 
book:  take  it  and  eat  it  up,  and  it  shall  make  thy 
belly  bitter;  but  it  shall  be  in  thy  mouth  sweet  as 
honey."  Mortal,  obey  the  heavenly  evangel.  Take 
up  Divine  Science.  Read  it  from  beginning  to  end. 
Study  it,  ponder  it.  It  will  be,  indeed,  sweet  at  its 
first  taste,  when  it  heals  you;  but  murmur  not  over 
Truth,  if  you  find  its  digestion  bitter.'  You  now 
know  the  history  of  our  dear  and  holy  Science,  sir, 
and  that  its  origin  is  not  of  this  earth,  but  only  its 
discovery.  I  will  leave  the  book  with  you  and  will 
go,  now;  but  give  yourself  no  uneasiness — I  will 
give  you  absent  treatment  from  now  till  I  go  to 
bed." 


CHAPTER  III 

UNDER  the  powerful  influence  of  the  near  treat- 
ment and  the  absent  treatment  together,  my 
bones  were  gradually  retreating  inward  and  disap- 
pearing from  view.  The  good  work  took  a  brisk 
start,  now,  and  went  on  swiftly.  My  body  was  dili- 
gently straining  and  stretching,  this  way  and  that, 
to  accommodate  the  processes  of  restoration,  and 
every  minute  or  two  I  heard  a  dull  click  inside  and 
knew  that  the  two  ends  of  a  fracture  had  been  suc- 
cessfully joined.  This  muffled  clicking  and  gritting 
and  grinding  and  rasping  continued  during  the  next 
three  hours,  and  then  stopped — the  connections  had 
all  been  made.  All  except  dislocations;  there  were 
only  seven  of  these:  hips,  shoulders,  knees,  neck; 
so  that  was  soon  over;  one  after  another  they 
slipped  into  their  sockets  with  a  sound  like  pulling 
a  distant  cork,  and  I  jumped  up  as  good  as  new,  as 
to  framework,  and  sent  for  the  horse-doctor. 

I  was  obliged  to  do  this  because  I  had  a  stomach- 
ache and  a  cold  in  the  head,  and  I  was  not  willing 
to  trust  these  things  any  longer  in  the  hands  of  a 
woman  whom  I  did  not  know,  and  in  whose  ability 
to  successfully  treat  mere  disease  I  had  lost  all 
confidence.  My  position  was  justified  by  the  fact 
that  the  cold  and  the  ache  had  been  in  her  charge 

20 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

from  the  first,  along  with  the  fractures,  but  had  ex- 
perienced not  a  shade  of  relief;  and,  indeed,  the 
ache  was  even  growing  worse  and  worse,  and  more 
and  more  bitter,  now,  probably  on  account  of  the 
protracted  abstention  from  food  and  drink. 

The  horse-doctor  came,  a  pleasant  man  and  full 
of  hope  and  professional  interest  in  the  case.  In 
the  matter  of  smell  he  was  pretty  aromatic — in  fact, 
quite  horsy — and  I  tried  to  arrange  with  him  for 
absent  treatment,  but  it  was  not  in  his  line,  so,  out 
of  delicacy,  I  did  not  press  it.  He  looked  at  my 
teeth  and  examined  my  hock,  and  said  my  age  and 
general  condition  were  favorable  to  energetic  meas- 
ures; therefore  he  would  give  me  something  to  turn 
the  stomach-ache  into  the  botts  and  the  cold  in  the 
head  into  the  blind  staggers;  then  he  should  be  on 
his  own  beat  and  would  know  what  to  do.  He  made 
up  a  bucket  of  bran-mash,  and  said  a  dipperful  of  it 
every  two  hours,  alternated  with  a  drench  with  tur- 
pentine and  axle-grease  in  it,  would  either  knock  my 
ailments  out  of  me  in  twenty-four  hours,  or  so  in- 
terest me  in  other  ways  as  to  make  me  forget  they 
were  on  the  premises.  He  administered  my  first 
dose  himself,  then  took  his  leave,  saying  I  was  free 
to  eat  and  drink  anything  I  pleased  and  in  any 
quantity  I  liked.  But  I  was  not  hungry  any  more, 
and  did  not  care  for  food. 

I  took  up  the  Christian  Science  book  and  read  half 
of  it,  then  took  a  dipperful  of  drench  and  read  the 
other  half.  The  resulting  experiences  were  full  of 
interest  and  adventure.  All  through  the  rumblings 
and  grindings  and  quakings  and  effervescings  ac- 

21 


MARK    TWAIN 

companying  the  evolution  of  the  ache  into  the  botts 
and  the  cold  into  the  blind  staggers  I  could  note  the 
generous  struggle  for  mastery  going  on  between  the 
mash  and  the  drench  and  the  literature;  and  often 
I  could  tell  which  was  ahead,  and  could  easily  dis- 
tinguish the  literature  from  the  others  when  the 
others  were  separate,  though  not  when  they  were 
mixed ;  for  when  a  bran-mash  and  an  eclectic  drench 
are  mixed  together  they  look  just  like  the  Apodicti- 
cal  Principle  out  on  a  lark,  and  no  one  can  tell  it 
from  that.  The  finish  was  reached  at  last,  the 
evolutions  were  complete,  and  a  fine  success,  but  I 
think  that  this  result  could  have  been  achieved  with 
fewer  materials.  I  believe  the  mash  was  necessary 
to  the  conversion  of  the  stomach-ache  into  the  botts, 
but  I  think  one  could  develop  the  blind  staggers  out 
of  the  literature  by  itself;  also,  that  blind  staggers 
produced  in  this  way  would  be  of  a  better  quality  and 
more  lasting  than  any  produced  by  the  artificial 
processes  of  the  horse-doctor. 

For  of  all  the  strange  and  frantic  and  incompre- 
hensible and  uninterpretable  books  which  the  imag- 
ination of  man  has  created,  surely  this  one  is  the 
prize  sample.  It  is  written  with  a  limitless  confi- 
dence and  complacency,  and  with  a  dash  and  stir 
and  earnestness  which  often  compel  the  effects  of 
eloquence,  even  when  the  words  do  not  seem  to 
have  any  traceable  meaning.  There  are  plenty  of 
people  who  imagine  they  understand  the  book;  I 
know  this,  for  I  have  talked  with  them;  but  in  all 
cases  they  were  people  who  also  imagined  that  there 
were  no  such  things  as  pain,  sickness,  and  death, 

22 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

and  no  realities  in  the  world;  nothing  actually  exist- 
ent but  Mind.  It  seems  to  me  to  modify  the  value 
of  their  testimony.  When  these  people  talk  about 
Christian  Science  they  do  as  Mrs.  Fuller  did:  they 
do  not  use  their  own  language,  but  the  book's;  they 
pour  out  the  book's  showy  incoherences,  and  leave 
you  to  find  out  later  that  they  were  not  originating, 
but  merely  quoting;  they  seem  to  know  the  volume 
by  heart,  and  to  revere  it  as  they  would  a  Bible — 
another  Bible,  perhaps  I  ought  to  say.  Plainly  the 
book  was  written  under  the  mental  desolations  of  the 
Third  Degree,  and  I  feel  sure  that  none  but  the 
membership  of  that  Degree  can  discover  meanings 
in  it.  When  you  read  it  you  seem  to  be  listening  to 
a  lively  and  aggressive  and  oracular  speech  delivered 
in  an  unknown  tongue,  a  speech  whose  spirit  you 
get  but  not  the  particulars;  or,  to  change  the  figure, 
you  seem  to  be  listening  to  a  vigorous  instrument 
which  is  making  a  noise  which  it  thinks  is  a  tune, 
but  which,  to  persons  not  members  of  the  band,  is 
only  the  martial  tooting  of  a  trombone,  and  merely 
stirs  the  soul  through  the  noise,  but  does  not  convey 
a  meaning. 

The  book's  serenities  of  self-satisfaction  do  almost 
seem  to  smack  of  a  heavenly  origin — they  have  no 
blood-kin  in  the  earth.  It  is  more  than  human  to 
be  so  placidly  certain  about  things,  and  so  finely 
superior,  and  so  airily  content  with  one's  perform- 
ance. Without  ever  presenting  anything  which 
may  rightfully  be  called  by  the  strong  name  of  Evi- 
dence, and  sometimes  without  even  mentioning  a 
reason  for  a  deduction  at  all,  it  thunders  out  the 

23 


MARK     TWAIN 

startling  words,  "I  have  Proved''  so  and  so.  It 
takes  the  Pope  and  all  the  great  guns  of  his  Church 
in  battery  assembled  to  authoritatively  settle  and 
establish  the  meaning  of  a  sole  and  single  unclarifled 
passage  of  Scripture,  and  this  at  vast  cost  of  time 
and  study  and  reflection,  but  the  author  of  this 
work  is  superior  to  all  that:  she  finds  the  whole 
Bible  in  an  unclarifled  condition,  and  at  small  ex- 
pense of  time  and  no  expense  of  mental  effort  she 
clarifies  it  from  lid  to  lid,  reorganizes  and  improves 
the  meanings,  then  authoritatively  settles  and  es- 
tablishes them  with  formulas  which  you  cannot 
tell  from  "Let  there  be  light!"  and  "Here  you  have 
it!"  It  is  the  first  time  since  the  dawn-days  of 
Creation  that  a  Voice  has  gone  crashing  through 
space  with  such  placid  and  complacent  confidence 
and  command.1 

»  January,  1903.  The  first  reading  of  any  book  whose  terminol- 
ogy is  new  and  strange  is  nearly  sure  to  leave  the  reader  in  a 
bewildered  and  sarcastic  state  of  mind.  But  now  that,  during  the 
past  two  months,  I  have,  by  diligence,  gained  a  fair  acquaintance- 
ship with  Science  and  Health  technicalities,  I  no  longer  find  the  bulk 
of  that  work  hard  to  understand. — M.  T. 

P.  5.  The  wisdom  harvested  from  the  foregoing  thoughts  has 
already  done  me  a  service  and  saved  me  a  sorrow.  Nearly  a  month 
ago  there  came  to  me  from  one  of  the  universities  a  tract  by  Dr. 
Edward  Anthony  Spitzka  on  the  "Encephalic  Anatomy  of  the 
Races."  I  judged  that  my  opinion  was  desired  by  the  university, 
and  I  was  greatly  pleased  with  this  attention  and  wrote  and  said 
I  would  furnish  it  as  soon  as  I  could.  That  night  I  put  my  plodding 
and  disheartening  Christian  Science  mining  aside  and  took  hold  of 
the  matter.  I  wrote  an  eager  chapter,  and  was  expecting  to  finish 
my  opinion  the  next  day,  but  was  called  away  for  a  week,  and  my 
mind  was  soon  charged  with  other  interests.  It  was  not  until 
to-day,  after  the  lapse  of  nearly  a  month,  that  I  happened  upon 
my  Encephalic  chapter  again.  Meantime,  the  new  wisdom  had 
come  to  me,  and  I  read  it  with  shame.     I  recognized  that  I  had 

24 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

entered  upon  that  work  in  far  from  the  right  temper — far  from  the 
respectful  and  judicial  spirit  which  was  its  due  reverence.  I  had 
begun  upon  it  with  the  following  paragraph  for  fuel: 

"Fissures  of  the  Parietal  and  Occipital  Lobes  (Lateral 
Surface). — The  Postcentral  Fissural  Complex. — In  this  hemicere- 
brum,  the  postcentral  and  subcentral  are  combined  to  form  a 
continuous  fissure,  attaining  a  length  of  8.5  cm.  Dorsally,  the 
fissure  bifurcates,  embracing  the  gyre  indented  by  the  caudal  limb 
of  the  paracentral.  The  caudal  limb  of  the  postcentral  is  joined 
by  a  transparietal  piece.  In  all,  five  additional  rami  spring  from  the 
combined  fissure.  A  vadum  separates  it  from  the  parietal ;  another 
from  the  central." 

It  humiliates  me,  now,  to  see  how  angry  I  got  over  that;  and 
how  scornful.  I  said  that  the  style  was  disgraceful;  that  it  was 
labored  and  tumultuous,  and  in  places  violent,  that  the  treatment 
was  involved  and  erratic,  and  almost,  as  a  rule,  bewildering;  that  to 
lack  of  simplicity  was  added  a  lack  of  vocabulary;  that  there  was 
quite  too  much  feeling  shown;  that  if  I  had  a  dog  that  would  get  so 
excited  and  incoherent  over  a  tranquil  subject  like  Encephalic 
Anatomy  I  would  not  pay  his  tax;  and  at  that  point  I  got  excited 
myself  and  spoke  bitterly  of  these  mongrel  insanities,  and  said  a 
person  might  as  well  try  to  understand  Science  and  Health. 

I  know,  now,  where  the  trouble  was,  and  am  glad  of  the  inter- 
ruption that  saved  me  from  sending  my  verdict  to  the  university. 
It  makes  me  cold  to  think  what  those  people  might  have  thought, 
of  me.— M.  T. 


CHAPTER  IV 

NO  one  doubts — certainly  not  I — that  the  mind 
exercises  a  powerful  influence  over  the  body. 
From  the  beginning  of  time,  the  sorcerer,  the  inter- 
preter of  dreams,  the  fortune-teller,  the  charlatan, 
the  quack,  the  wild  medicine-man,  the  educated 
physician,  the  mesmerist,  and  the  hypnotist  have 
made  use  of  the  client's  imagination  to  help  them  in 
their  work.  They  have  all  recognized  the  potency 
and  availability  of  that  force.  Physicians  cure  many 
patients  with  a  bread  pill;  they  know  that  where 
the  disease  is  only  a  fancy,  the  patient's  confidence 
in  the  doctor  will  make  the  bread  pill  effective. 

Faith  in  the  doctor.  Perhaps  that  is  the  entire 
thing.  It  seems  to  look  like  it.  In  old  times  the 
King  cured  the  king's  evil  by  the  touch  of  the  royal 
hand.  He  frequently  made  extraordinary  cures. 
Could  his  footman  have  done  it?  No — not  in  his 
own  clothes.  Disguised  as  the  King,  could  he  have 
done  it?  I  think  we  may  not  doubt  it.  I  think  we 
may  feel  sure  that  it  was  not  the  King's  touch  that 
made  the  cure  in  any  instance,  but  the  patient's 
faith  in  the  efficacy  of  a  King's  touch.  Genuine  and 
remarkable  cures  have  been  achieved  through  con- 
tact with  the  relics  of  a  saint.  Is  it  not  likely  that 
uny  other  bones  would  have  done  as  well  if  the  sub- 

26 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

stitution  had  been  concealed  from  the  patient? 
When  I  was  a  boy  a  farmer's  wife  who  lived  five 
miles  from  our  village  had  great  fame  as  a  faith- 
doctor — that  was  what  she  called  herself.  Sufferers 
came  to  her  from  all  around,  and  she  laid  her  hand 
upon  them  and  said,  "Have  faith — it  is  all  that  is 
necessary,"  and  they  went  away  well  of  their  ail- 
ments. She  was  not  a  religious  woman,  and  pre- 
tended to  no  occult  powers.  She  said  that  the  pa- 
tient's faith  in  her  did  the  work.  Several  times  I 
saw  her  make  immediate  cures  of  severe  toothaches. 
My  mother  was  the  patient.  In  Austria  there  is  a 
peasant  who  drives  a  great  trade  in  this  sort  of  in- 
dustry, and  has  both  the  high  and  the  low  for  pa- 
tients. He  gets  into  prison  every  now  and  then  for 
practising  without  a  diploma,  but  his  business  is  as 
brisk  as  ever  when  he  gets  out,  for  his  work  is  un- 
questionably successful  and  keeps  his  reputation 
high.  In  Bavaria  there  is  a  man  who  performed 
so  many  great  cures  that  he  had  to  retire  from  his 
profession  of  stage-carpentering  in  order  to  meet 
the  demand  of  his  constantly  increasing  body  of 
customers.  He  goes  on  from  year  to  year  doing  his 
miracles,  and  has  become  rich.  He  pretends  to  no 
religious  helps,  no  supernatural  aids,  but  thinks 
there  is  something  in  his  make-up  which  inspires  the 
confidence  of  his  patients,  and  that  it  is  this  con- 
fidence which  does  the  work,  and  not  some  mysteri- 
ous power  issuing  from  himself.1 

1  January,  iqoj.  I  have  personal  and  intimate  knowledge  of  the 
" miraculous"  cure  of  a  case  of  paralysis  which  had  kept  the  patient 
helpless  in  bed  during  two  years,  in  spite  of  all  that  the  best  medical 

27 


MARK    TWAIN 

Within  the  last  quarter  of  a  century,  in  America, 
several  sects  of  curers  have  appeared  under  various 
names  and  have  done  notable  things  in  the  way  of 
healing  ailments  without  the  use  of  medicines. 
There  are  the  Mind  Cure,  the  Faith  Cure,  the  Prayer 
Cure,  the  Mental-Science  Cure,  and  the  Christian- 
Science  Cure;  and  apparently  they  all  do  their 
miracles  with  the  same  old,  powerful  instrument — 
the  patient's  imagination.  Differing  names,  but  no 
difference  in  the  process.  But  they  do  not  give  that 
instrument  the  credit;  each  sect  claims  that  its  way 
differs  from  the  ways  of  the  others. 

They  all  achieve  some  cures,  there  is  no  question 
about  it ;  and  the  Faith  Cure  and  the  Prayer  Cure 
probably  do  no  harm  when  they  do  no  good,  since 
they  do  not  forbid  the  patient  to  help  out  the  cure 
with  medicines  if  he  wants  to;  but  the  others  bar 
medicines,  and  claim  ability  to  cure  every  conceiv- 
able human  ailment  through  the  application  of  their 
mental  forces  alone.  There  would  seem  to  be  an 
element  of  danger  here.  It  has  the  look  of  claiming 
too  much,  I  think.  Public  confidence  would  prob- 
ably be  increased  if  less  were  claimed.1 

The  Christian  Scientist  was  not  able  to  cure  my 
stomach-ache  and  my  cold;    but  the  horse-doctor 

science  of  New  York  could  do.  The  traveling  "quack"  (that  is 
what  they  called  him)  came  on  two  successive  mornings  and  lifted 
the  patient  out  of  bed  and  said  "Walk!"  and  the  patient  walked. 
That  was  the  end  of  it.  It  was  forty-one  years  ago.  The  patient 
has  walked  ever  since. — M.  T. 

1  February,  1903.  I  find  that  Christian  Science  claims  that  the 
healing-force  which  it  employs  is  radically  different  from  the  force 
used  by  any  other  party  in  the  healing  business.  I  shall  talk 
about  this  toward  the  end  of  this  work. — M.  T. 

28 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

did  it.  This  convinces  me  that  Christian  Science 
claims  too  much.  In  my  opinion  it  ought  to  let 
diseases  alone  and  confine  itself  to  surgery.  There 
it  would  have  everything  its  own  way. 

The  horse-doctor  charged  me  thirty  kreutzers, 
and  I  paid  him;  in  fact,  I  doubled  it  and  gave  him 
a  shilling.  Mrs.  Fuller  brought  in  an  itemized  bill 
for  a  crate  of  broken  bones  mended  in  two  hundred 
and  thirty-four  places — one  dollar  per  fracture., 

"Nothing  exists  but  Mind?" 

"Nothing,"  she  answered.  "All  else  is  sub- 
stanceless,  all  else  is  imaginary." 

I  gave  her  an  imaginary  check,  and  now  she  is 
suing  me  for  substantial  dollars.  It  looks  incon- 
sistent. 

Note. — The  foregoing  chapters  appeared  originally  in  the 
Cosmopolitan  Magazine,  about  three  years  ago. — M.  T. 


CHAPTER  V 

LET  us  consider  that  we  are  all  partially  insane. 
j  It  will  explain  us  to  each  other;  it  will  un- 
riddle many  riddles;  it  will  make  clear  and  simple 
many  things  which  are  involved  in  haunting  and 
harassing  difficulties  and  obscurities  now. 

Those  of  us  who  are  not  in  the  asylum,  and  not 
demonstrably  due  there,  are  nevertheless,  no  doubt, 
insane  in  one  or  two  particulars.  I  think  we  must 
admit  this;  but  I  think  that  we  are  otherwise 
healthy-minded.  I  think  that  when  we  all  see  one 
thing  alike,  it  is  evidence  that,  as  regards  that  one 
thing,  our  minds  are  perfectly  sound.  Now  there 
are  really  several  things  which  we  do  all  see  alike; 
things  which  we  all  accept,  and  about  which  we  do 
not  dispute.  For  instance,  we  who  are  outside  of  the 
asylum  all  agree  that  water  seeks  its  level;  that  the 
sun  gives  light  and  heat;  that  fire  consumes;  that 
fog  is  damp;  that  six  times  six  are  thirty-six,  that  two 
from  ten  leaves  eight;  that  eight  and  seven  are 
fifteen.  These  are,  perhaps,  the  only  things  we  are 
agreed  about;  but,  although  they  are  so  few,  they 
are  of  inestimable  value,  because  they  make  an 
infallible  standard  of  sanity.  Whosoever  accepts 
them  him  we  know  to  be  substantially  sane;  suf- 
ficiently sane ;  in  the  working  essentials,  sane.     Who- 

30 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

ever  disputes  a  single  one  of  them  him  we  know  to 
be  wholly  insane,  and  qualified  for  the  asylum. 

Very  well,  the  man  who  disputes  none  of  them  we 
concede  to  be  entitled  to  go  at  large.  But  that  is 
concession  enough.  We  cannot  go  any  further  than 
that;  for  we  know  that  in  all  matters  of  mere 
opinion  that  same  man  is  insane — just  as  insane 
as  we  are;  just  as  insane  as  Shakespeare  was,. 
We  know  exactly  where  to  put  our  finger  upon 
his  insanity:  it  is  where  his  opinion  differs  from 
ours. 

That  is  a  simple  rule,  and  easy  to  remember. 
When  I,  a  thoughtful  and  unbiased  Presbyterian, 
examine  the  Koran,  I  know  that  beyond  any  ques- 
tion every  Mohammedan  is  insane;  not  in  all  things, 
but  in  religious  matters.  When  a  thoughtful  and 
unbiased  Mohammedan  examines  the  Westminster 
Catechism,  he  knows  that  beyond  any  question  I 
am  spiritually  insane.  I  cannot  prove  to  him  that 
he  is  insane,  because  you  never  can  prove  any- 
thing to  a  lunatic  —  for  that  is  a  part  of  his  in- 
sanity and  the  evidence  of  it.  He  cannot  prove 
to  me  that  I  am  insane,  for  my  mind  has  the 
same  defect  that  afflicts  his.  All  Democrats  are 
insane,  but  not  one  of  them  knows  it;  none  but 
the  Republicans  and  Mugwumps  know  it.  All 
the  Republicans  are  insane,  but  only  the  Demo- 
crats and  Mugwumps  can  perceive  it.  The  rule 
is  perfect:  in  all  matters  of  opinion  our  adversaries 
are  insane.  When  I  look  around  me,  I  am  often 
troubled  to  see  how  many  people  are  mad.  To 
mention  only  a  few: 

3i 


MARK     TWAIN 


The  Atheist 

The  Infidel 

The  Agnostic 

The  Baptist 

The  Methodist 

The  Christian  Scien- 
tist 

The  Catholic,  and  the 
115  Christian  sects,  the 
Presbyterian  excepted 

The  72  Mohammedan 
sects 

The  Buddhist 

The  Blavatsky-Buddhist 

The  Nationalist 

The  Confucian 

The  Spiritualist 

The  2,000  East  Indian 
sects 

The  Peculiar  People 


The  Theosophists 

The  Swedenborgians 

The  Shakers 

The  Millerites 

The  Mormons 

The   Laurence   Oliphant 

Harrisites 
The  Grand  Lama's  people 
The  Monarchists 
The  Imperialists 
The  Democrats 
The  Republicans  (but  not 

the  Mugwumps) 
The  Mind-Curists 
The  Faith-Curists 
The  Mental  Scientists 
The  Allopaths 
The  Homeopaths 
The  Electropaths 
The  


But  there's  no  end  to  the  list;  there  are  millions 
of  them!  And  all  insane;  each  in  his  own  way; 
insane  as  to  his  pet  fad  or  opinion,  but  otherwise 
sane  and  rational. 

This  should  move  us  to  be  charitable  toward 
one  another's  lunacies.  I  recognize  that  in  his 
special  belief  the  Christian  Scientist  is  insane,  because 
he  does  not  believe  as  I  do;  but  I  hail  him  as  my 
mate  and  fellow,  because  I  am  as  insane  as  he — 
insane  from  his  point  of  view,  and  his  point  of  view 
is  as  authoritative  as  mine  and  worth  as  much. 

32 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

That  Is  to  say,  worth  a  brass  farthing.  Upon  a 
great  religious  or  political  question,  the  opinion  of 
the  dullest  head  in  the  world  is  worth  the  same  as 
the  opinion  of  the  brightest  head  in  the  world — a  brass 
farthing.  How  do  we  arrive  at  this?  It  is  simple. 
The  affirmative  opinion  of  a  stupid  man  is  neutral- 
ized by  the  negative  opinion  of  his  stupid  neighbor — 
no  decision  is  reached ;  the  affirmative  opinion  of  the 
intellectual  giant  Gladstone  is  neutralized  by  the 
negative  opinion  of  the  intellectual  giant  Newman — 
no  decision  is  reached.  Opinions  that  prove  nothing 
are,  of  course,  without  value — any  but  a  dead  person 
knows  that  much.  This  obliges  us  to  admit  the 
truth  of  the  unpalatable  proposition  just  mentioned 
above — that,  in  disputed  matters  political  and  re- 
ligious, one  man's  opinion  is  worth  no  more  than  his 
peer's,  and  hence  it  follows  that  no  man's  opinion 
possesses  any  real  value.  It  is  a  humbling  thought, 
but  there  is  no  way  to  get  around  it:  all  opinions 
upon  these  great  subjects  are  brass-farthing  opinions. 

It  is  a  mere  plain,  simple  fact — as  clear  and  as 
certain  as  that  eight  and  seven  make  fifteen.  And 
by  it  we  recognize  that  we  are  all  insane,  as  con- 
cerns those  matters.  If  we  were  sane,  we  should  all 
see  a  political  or  religious  doctrine  alike;  there 
would  be  no  dispute :  it  would  be  a  case  of  eight  and 
seven — just  as  it  is  in  heaven,  where  all  are  sane  and 
none  insane.  There  there  is  but  one  religion,  one 
belief;  the  harmony  is  perfect;  there  is  never  a 
discordant  note. 

Under  protection  of  these  preliminaries,  I  suppose 
I  may  now  repeat  without   offense  that  the  Chris- 

33 


MARK    TWAIN 

tian  Scientist  is  insane.  I  mean  him  no  discourtesy, 
and  I  am  not  charging — nor  even  imagining — that  he 
is  insaner  than  the  rest  of  the  human  race.  I  think 
he  is  more  picturesquely  insane  than  some  of  us. 
At  the  same  time,  I  am  quite  sure  that  in  one  im- 
portant and  splendid  particular  he  is  much  saner 
than  is  the  vast  bulk  of  the  race. 

Why  is  he  insane?  I  told  you  before:  it  is  be- 
cause his  opinions  are  not  ours.  I  know  of  no  other 
reason,  and  I  do  not  need  any  other;  it  is  the  only 
way  we  have  of  discovering  insanity  when  it  is  not 
violent.  It  is  merely  the  picturesqueness  of  his  in- 
sanity that  makes  it  more  interesting  than  my  kind 
or  yours.  For  instance,  consider  his  "little  book"; 
the  "little  book"  exposed  in  the  sky  eighteen  cen- 
turies ago  by  the  flaming  angel  of  the  Apocalypse, 
and  handed  down  in  our  day  to  Mrs.  Mary  Baker 
G.  Eddy,  of  New  Hampshire,  and  translated  by  her, 
word  for  word,  into  English  (with  help  of  a  polisher), 
and  now  published  and  distributed  in  hundreds  of 
editions  by  her  at  a  clear  profit  per  volume,  above 
cost,  of  seven  hundred  per  cent. ! 1 — a  profit  which 
distinctly  belongs  to  the  angel  of  the  Apocalypse, 
and  let  him  collect  it  if  he  can;  a  "little  book"  which 
the  C.  S.  very  frequently  calls  by  just  that  name, 
and  always  inclosed  in  quotation-marks  to  keep  its 
high  origin  exultantly  in  mind;  a  "little  book" 
which  "explains"  and  reconstructs  and  new-paints 

1  February,  1903.  This  has  been  disputed  by  novices.  It  is  not 
possible  that  the  copy  possessed  by  me  could  have  cost  above 
thirty-seven  and  a  half  cents.  I  have  been  a  printer  and  book- 
maker myself.  I  shall  go  into  some  particulars  concerning  this 
matter  in  a  later  chapter. — M.  T. 

34 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

and  decorates  the  Bible,  and  puts  a  mansard  roof 
on  it  and  a  lightning-rod  and  all  the  other  modern 
improvements;  a  *  *  little  book"  which  for  the  present 
affects  to  travel  in  yoke  with  the  Bible  and  be  friend- 
ly to  it,  and  within  half  a  century  will  hitch  the 
Bible  in  the  rear  and  thenceforth  travel  tandem, 
itself  in  the  lead,  in  the  coming  great  march  of 
Christian  Scientism  through  the  Protestant  do- 
minions of  the  planet. 


CHAPTER  VI 

"Hungry  ones  throng  to  hear  the  Bible  read  in  connection 
with  the  text-book  of  Christian  Science,  Science  and  Health,  with 
Key  to  the  Scriptures,  by  Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy.  These  are  our 
only  preachers.  They  are  the  word  of  God." — Christian  Science 
Journal,  October,  1898. 

IS  that  picturesque?  A  lady  has  told  me  that 
in  a  chapel  of  the  Mosque  in  Boston  there  is  a 
picture  or  image  of  Mrs.  Eddy,  and  that  before  it 
burns  a  never-extinguished  light.1  Is  that  pic- 
turesque ?  How  long  do  you  think  it  will  be  before 
the  Christian  Scientist  will  be  worshiping  that  pic- 
ture or  image  and  praying  to  it  ?  How  long  do  you 
think  it  will  be  before  it  is  claimed  that  Mrs.  Eddy 
is  a  Redeemer,  a  Christ,  and  Christ's  equal?2  Al- 
ready her  army  of  disciples  speak  of  her  reverently 
as  "Our  Mother."  How  long  will  it  be  before  they 
place  her  on  the  steps  of  the  Throne  beside  the 
Virgin — and,  later,  a  step  higher?  First,  Mary  the 
Virgin  and  Mary  the  Matron;  later,  with  a  change 
of  precedence,  Mary  the  Matron  and  Mary  the 
Virgin.  Let  the  artist  get  ready  with  his  canvas 
and  his  brushes;  the  new  Renaissance  is  on  its  way, 

1  February,  1903.  There  is  a  dispute  about  that  picture.  I  will 
render  justice  concerning  it  in  the  new  half  of  this  book. — M.  T. 

2  This  suggestion  has  been  scorned.  I  will  examine  the  matter 
in  the  new  half  of  the  book. — M.  T. 

36 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

and  there  will  be  money  in  altar-canvases — a 
thousand  times  as  much  as  the  Popes  and  their 
Church  ever  spent  on  the  Old  Masters;  for  their 
riches  were  poverty  as  compared  with  what  is  going 
to  pour  into  the  treasure-chest  of  the  Christian- 
Scientist  Papacy  by  and  by,  let  us  not  doubt  it. 
We  will  examine  the  financial  outlook  presently  and 
see  what  it  promises.  A  favorite  subject  of  the  new 
Old  Master  will  be  the  first  verse  of  the  twelfth 
chapter  of  Revelation — a  verse  which  Mrs.  Eddy 
says  (in  her  Annex  to  the  Scriptures)  has  "one  dis- 
tinctive feature  which  has  special  reference  to  the 
present  age" — and  to  her,  as  is  rather  pointedly 
indicated : 

"And  there  appeared  a  great  wonder  in  heaven;  a  woman 
clothed  with  the  sun,  and  the  moon  under  her  feet,"  etc. 

The  woman  clothed  with  the  sun  will  be  a  por- 
trait of  Mrs.  Eddy. 

Is  it  insanity  to  believe  that  Christian  Scientism 
is  destined  to  make  the  most  formidable  show  that 
any  new  religion  has  made  in  the  world  since  the 
birth  and  spread  of  Mohammedanism,  and  that 
within  a  century  from  now  it  may  stand  second  to 
Rome  only,  in  numbers  and  power  in  Christendom? 

If  this  is  a  wild  dream  it  will  not  be  easy  to  prove 
it  so  just  yet,  I  think.  There  seems  argument  that 
it  may  come  true.  The  Christian-Science  "boom," 
proper,  is  not  yet  five  years  old;  yet  already  it  has 
two  hundred  and  fifty  churches.1 

1  February,  iqoj.  Through  misinformation  I  doubled  those  fig- 
ures when  I  wrote  this  chapter  four  years  ago. — M.  T. 

37 


MARK    TWAIN 

It  has  its  start,  you  see,  and  it  is  a  phenomenally 
good  one.  Moreover,  it  is  latterly  spreading  with  a 
constantly  accelerating  swiftness.  It  has  a  better 
chance  to  grow  and  prosper  and  achieve  permanency 
than  any  other  existing  "ism";  for  it  has  more  to 
offer  than  any  other.  The  past  teaches  us  that  in 
order  to  succeed,  a  movement  like  this  must  not  be  a 
mere  philosophy,  it  must  be  a  religion;  also,  that  it 
must  not  claim  entire  originality,  but  content  itself 
with  passing  for  an  improvement  on  an  existing 
religion,  and  show  its  hand  later,  when  strong  and 
prosperous — like  Mohammedanism. 

Next,  there  must  be  money — and  plenty  of  it. 

Next,  the  power  and  authority  and  capital  must 
be  concentrated  in  the  grip  of  a  small  and  irrespon- 
sible clique,  with  nobody  outside  privileged  to  ask 
questions  or  find  fault. 

Next,  as  before  remarked,  it  must  bait  its  hook 
with  some  new  and  attractive  advantages  over  the 
baits  offered  by  its  competitors. 

A  new  movement  equipped  with  some  of  these  en- 
dowments —  like  spiritualism,  for  instance  —  may 
count  upon  a  considerable  success ;  a  new  movement 
equipped  with  the  bulk  of  them — like  Moham- 
medanism, for  instance — may  count  upon  a  widely 
extended  conquest.  Mormonism  had  all  the  req- 
uisites but  one — it  had  nothing  new  and  nothing 
valuable  to  bait  with.  Spiritualism  lacked  the  im- 
portant detail  of  concentration  of  money  and  au- 
thority in  the  hands  of  an  irresponsible  clique. 

The  above  equipment  is  excellent,  admirable, 
powerful,  but  not  perfect.     There  is  yet  another 

38 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

detail  which  is  worth  the  whole  of  it  put  together — 
and  more;  a  detail  which  has  never  been  joined  (in 
the  beginning  of  a  religious  movement)  to  a  su- 
premely good  working  equipment  since  the  world 
began,  until  now:  a  new  personage  to  worship.1 
Christianity  had  the  Saviour,  but  at  first  and  for 
generations  it  lacked  money  and  concentrated  power. 
In  Mrs.  Eddy,  Christian  Science  possesses  the  new 
personage  for  worship,  and  in  addition — here  in  the 
very  beginning — a  working  equipment  that  has  not 
a  flaw  in  it.  In  the  beginning,  Mohammedanism 
had  no  money;  and  it  has  never  had  anything  to 
offer  its  client  but  heaven — nothing  here  below  that 
was  valuable.  In  addition  to  heaven  hereafter, 
Christian  Science  has  present  health  and  a  cheerful 
spirit  to  offer;  and  in  comparison  with  this  bribe  all 
other  this-world  bribes  are  poor  and  cheap.  You  rec- 
ognize that  this  estimate  is  admissible,  do  you  not  ? 

To  whom  does  Bellamy's  "Nationalism"  appeal? 
Necessarily  to  the  few:  people  who  read  and  dream, 
and  are  compassionate,  and  troubled  for  the  poor  and 
the  hard-driven.  To  whom  does  Spiritualism  appeal? 
Necessarily  to  the  few;  its  " boom"  has  lasted  for 
half  a  century,  and  I  believe  it  claims  short  of  four 
millions  of  adherents  in  America.  Who  are  attracted 
by  Swedenborgianism  and  some  of  the  other  fine 
and  delicate  ' '  isms  "  ?  The  few  again :  educated  peo- 
ple, sensitively  organized,  with  superior  mental  en- 
dowments, who  seek  lofty  planes  of  thought  and  find 

1  That  has  been  disputed  by  a  Christian-Science  friend.  This 
surprises  me.     I  will  examine  this  detail  in  the  new  half  of  the  book. 

— M.  T. 

39 


MARK     TWAIN 

their  contentment  there.  And  who  are  attracted 
by  Christian  Science?  There  is  no  limit;  its  field 
is  horizonless;  its  appeal  is  as  universal  as  is  the 
appeal  of  Christianity  itself.  It  appeals  to  the  rich, 
the  poor,  the  high,  the  low,  the  cultured,  the  igno- 
rant, the  gifted,  the  stupid,  the  modest,  the  vain,  the 
wise,  the  silly,  the  soldier,  the  civilian,  the  hero,  the 
coward,  the  idler,  the  worker,  the  godly,  the  god- 
less, the  freeman,  the  slave,  the  adult,  the  child; 
they  who  are  ailing  in  body  or  mind,  they  who  have 
friends  that  are  ailing  in  body  or  mind.  To  mass  it 
in  a  phrase,  its  clientage  is  the  Human  Race.  Will 
it  march?     I  think  so. 

Remember  its  principal  great  offer:  to  rid  the 
Race  of  pain  and  disease.  Can  it  do  so  ?  In  large 
measure,  yes.  How  much  of  the  pain  and  disease 
in  the  world  is  created  by  the  imaginations  of  the 
sufferers,  and  then  kept  alive  by  those  same  imagi- 
nations? Four-fifths?  Not  anything  short  of  that, 
I  should  think.  Can  Christian  Science  banish  that 
four-fifths?  I  think  so.  Can  any  other  (organized) 
force  do  it  ?  None  that  I  know  of.  Would  this  be  a 
new  world  when  that  was  accomplished?  And  a 
pleasanter  one — for  us  well  people,  as  well  as  for 
those  fussy  and  fretting  sick  ones?  Would  it  seem 
as  if  there  was  not  as  much  gloomy  weather  as  there 
used  to  be?     I  think  so. 

In  the  mean  time,  would  the  Scientist  kill  off  a 
good  many  patients?  I  think  so.  More  than  get 
killed  off  now  by  the  legalized  methods  ?  I  will  take 
up  that  question  presently. 

At  present,  I  wish  to  ask  you  to  examine  some  of 

40 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

the  Scientist's  performances,  as  registered  in  his 
magazine,  The  Christian  Science  Journal — October 
number,  1898.  First,  a  Baptist  clergyman  gives  us 
this  true  picture  of  "the  average  orthodox  Christian" 
— and  he  could  have  added  that  it  is  a  true  picture 
of  the  average  (civilized)  human  being : 

Ke  is  a  worried  and  fretted  and  fearful  man;  afraid  of 
himself  and  his  propensities,  afraid  of  colds  and  fevers,  afraid 
of  treading  on  serpents  or  drinking  deadly  things. 

Then  he  gives  us  this  contrast: 

The  average  Christian  Scientist  has  put  all  anxiety  and 
fretting  under  his  feet.  He  does  have  a  victory  over  fear  and 
care  that  is  not  achieved  by  the  average  orthodox  Christian. 

He  has  put  all  anxiety  and  fretting  under  his  feet. 
What  proportion  of  your  earnings  or  income  would 
you  be  willing  to  pay  for  that  frame  of  mind,  year  in, 
year  out?  It  really  outvalues  any  price  that  can  be 
put  upon  it.  Where  can  you  purchase  it,  at  any 
outlay  of  any  sort,  in  any  Church  or  out  of  it,  except 
the  Scientist's? 

Well,  it  is  the  anxiety  and  fretting  about  colds,  and 
fevers,  and  draughts,  and  getting  our  feet  wet,  and 
about  forbidden  food  eaten  in  terror  of  indigestion, 
that  brings  on  the  cold  and  the  fever  and  the  indiges- 
tion and  the  most  of  our  other  ailments;  and  so,  if 
the  Science  can  banish  that  anxiety  from  the  world 
I  think  it  can  reduce  the  world's  disease  and  pain 
about  four-fifths.1 

1  February,  1903.  In  a  letter  to  me,  a  distinguished  New  York 
physician  finds  fault  with  this  notion.  If  four-fifths  of  our  pains 
and  diseases  are  not  the  result  of  unwholesome  fears  and  imagings, 
the  Science  has  a  smaller  field  than  I  was  guessing ;  but  I  still  think 
four-fifths  is  a  sound  guess. — M.  T. 
4  41 


MARK     TWAIN 

In  this  October  number  many  of  the  redeemed 
testify  and  give  thanks;  and  not  coldly,  but  with 
passionate  gratitude.  As  a  rule  they  seem  drunk 
with  health,  and  with  the  surprise  of  it,  the  wonder  of 
it,  the  unspeakable  glory  and  splendor  of  it,  after  a 
long,  sober  spell  spent  in  inventing  imaginary  diseases 
and  concreting  them  with  doctor-stuff.  The  first 
witness  testifies  that  when  "this  most  beautiful 
Truth  first  dawned  on  him"  he  had  "nearly  all  the 
ills  that  flesh  is  heir  to";  that  those  he  did  not 
have  he  thought  he  had — and  this  made  the  tale 
about  complete.  What  was  the  natural  result? 
Why,  he  was  a  dump-pit  "for  all  the  doctors,  drug- 
gists, and  patent  medicines  of  the  country."  Chris- 
tian Science  came  to  his  help,  and  "the  old  sick  con- 
ditions passed  away,"  and  along  with  them  the  "dis- 
mal forebodings"  which  he  had  been  accustomed  to 
employ  in  conjuring  up  ailments.  And  so  he  was  a 
healthy  and  cheerful  man,  now,  and  astonished. 

But  I  am  not  astonished,  for  from  other  sources  I 
know  what  must  have  been  his  method  of  applying 
Christian  Science.  If  I  am  in  the  right,  he  watch- 
fully and  diligently  diverted  his  mind  from  unhealthy 
channels  and  compelled  it  to  travel  in  healthy  ones. 
Nothing  contrivable  by  human  invention  could  be 
more  formidably  effective  than  that,  in  banishing 
imaginary  ailments  and  in  closing  the  entrances 
against  subsequent  applicants  of  their  breed.  I 
think  his  method  was  to  keep  saying,  ' '  I  am  well !  I 
am  sound! — sound  and  well!  well  and  sound!  Per- 
fectly sound,  perfectly  well!  I  have  no  pain;  there's 
no  such  thing  as  pain!    I  have  no  disease;   there's 

42 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

no  such  thing  as  disease!  Nothing  is  real  but  Mind: 
all  is  Mind,  All-Good-Good-Good,  Life,  Soul,  Liver, 
Bones,  one  of  a  series,  ante  and  pass  the  buck!" 

I  do  not  mean  that  that  was  exactly  the  formula 
used,  but  that  it  doubtless  contains  the  spirit  of  it. 
The  Scientist  would  attach  value  to  the  exact  formula, 
no  doubt,  and  to  the  religious  spirit  in  which  it  was 
used.  I  should  think  that  any  formula  that  would 
divert  the  mind  from  unwholesome  channels  and 
force  it  into  healthy  ones  would  answer  every  purpose 
with  some  people,  though  not  with  all.  I  think  it 
most  likely  that  a  very  religious  man  would  find  the 
addition  of  the  religious  spirit  a  powerful  reinforce- 
ment in  his  case. 

The  second  witness  testifies  that  the  Science 
banished  "an  old  organic  trouble,"  which  the  doctor 
and  the  surgeon  had  been  nursing  with  drugs  and  the 
knife  for  seven  years. 

He  calls  it  his  "claim."  A  surface-miner  would 
think  it  was  not  his  claim  at  all,  but  the  property  of 
the  doctor  and  his  pal  the  surgeon — for  he  would  be 
misled  by  that  word,  which  is  Christian-Science 
slang  for  "ailment."  The  Christian  Scientist  has  no 
ailment ;  to  him  there  is  no  such  thing,  and  he  will  not 
use  the  hateful  word.  All  that  happens  to  him  is  that 
upon  his  attention  an  imaginary  disturbance  some- 
times obtrudes  itself  which  claims  to  be  an  ailment 
but  isn't. 

This  witness  offers  testimony  for  a  clergyman 
seventy  years  old  who  had  preached  forty  years  in  a 
Christian  church,  and  has  now  gone  over  to  the  new 
sect.     He  was  "almost  blind  and  deaf."     He  was 

43 


MARK    TWAIN 

treated  by  the  C.  S.  method,  and  ''when  he  heard  the 
voice  of  Truth  he  saw  spiritually.' '  Saw  spiritually? 
It  is  a  little  indefinite;  they  had  better  treat  him 
again.  Indefinite  testimonies  might  properly  be  waste- 
basketed,  since  there  is  evidently  no  lack  of  definite 
ones  procurable;  but  this  C.  S.  magazine  is  poorly 
edited,  and  so  mistakes  of  this  kind  must  be  expected. 
The  next  witness  is  a  soldier  of  the  Civil  War. 
When  Christian  Science  found  him,  he  had  in  stock 
the  following  claims: 

Indigestion  Atrophy    of    the    muscles 

Rheumatism  of 

Catarrh  Arms 

Chalky  deposits  in  Shoulders 

Shoulder- joints  )       Stiffness  of  all  those  joints 

Arm- joints  >        Excruciating  pains  most  of 

Hand- joints  /  the  time 

Insomnia 

These  claims  have  a  very  substantial  sound. 
They  came  of  exposure  in  the  campaigns.  The 
doctors  did  all  they  could,  but  it  was  little.  Prayers 
were  tried,  but  "I  never  realized  any  physical  relief 
from  that  source."  After  thirty  years  of  torture,  he 
went  to  a  Christian  Scientist  and  took  an  hour's 
treatment  and  went  home  painless.  Two  days  later, 
he  "began  to  eat  like  a  well  man."  Then  "the 
claims  vanished — some  at  once,  others  more  grad- 
ually"; finally,  "they  have  almost  entirely  disap- 
peared." And — a  thing  which  is  of  still  greater 
value — he  is  now  "contented  and  happy"  That  is  a 
detail  which,   as  earlier  remarked,   is  a  Scientist- 

44 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Church  specialty.  And,  indeed,  one  may  go  further 
and  assert  with  little  or  no  exaggeration  that  it  is  a 
Christian-Science  monopoly.  With  thirty -one  years' 
effort,  the  Methodist  Church  had  not  succeeded  in 
furnishing  it  to  this  harassed  soldier. 

And  so  the  tale  goes  on.  Witness  after  witness 
bulletins  his  claims,  declares  their  prompt  abolish- 
ment, and  gives  Mrs.  Eddy's  Discovery  the  praise. 
Milk-leg  is  cured ;  nervous  prostration  is  cured ;  con- 
sumption is  cured;  and  St.  Vitus's  dance  is  made  a 
pastime.  Even  without  a  fiddle.  And  now  and 
then  an  interesting  new  addition  to  the  Science  slang 
appears  on  the  page.  We  have  ' '  demonstrations  over 
chilblains ' '  and  such  things.  It  seems  to  be  a  curtailed 
way  of  saying  ' '  demonstrations  of  the  power  of  Chris- 
tian-Science Truth  over  the  fiction  which  masquerades 
under  the  name  of  Chilblains."  The  children,  as  well 
as  the  adults,  share  in  the  blessings  of  the  Science. 
"Through  the  study  of  the  'little  book'  they  are  learn- 
ing how  to  be  healthful,  peaceful,  and  wise."  Some- 
times they  are  cured  of  their  little  claims  by  the 
professional  healer,  and  sometimes  more  advanced 
children  say  over  the  formula  and  cure  themselves. 

A  little  Far- Western  girl  of  nine,  equipped  with 
an  adult  vocabulary,  states  her  age  and  says,  "I 
thought  I  would  write  a  demonstration  to  you." 
She  had  a  claim,  derived  from  getting  flung  over  a 
pony's  head  and  landing  on  a  rock-pile.  She  saved 
herself  from  disaster  by  remembering  to  say  "God 
is  All"  while  she  was  in  the  air.  I  couldn't  have 
done  it.  I  shouldn't  even  have  thought  of  it.  I 
should  have  been  too  excited.     Nothing  but  Chris- 

45 


MARK     TWAIN 

tian  Science  could  have  enabled  that  child  to  do 
that  calm  and  thoughtful  and  judicious  thing  in 
those  circumstances.  She  came  down  on  her  head, 
and  by  all  the  rules  she  should  have  broken  it;  but 
the  intervention  of  the  formula  prevented  that,  so 
the  only  claim  resulting  was  a  blackened  eye. 
Monday  morning  it  was  still  swollen  and  shut.  At 
school  "it  hurt  pretty  badly — that  is,  it  seemed  to." 
So  "I  was  excused,  and  went  down  to  the  basement 
and  said,  'Now  I  am  depending  on  mamma  instead  of 
God,  and  I  will  depend  on  God  instead  of  mamma."' 
No  doubt  this  would  have  answered ;  but,  to  make 
sure,  she  added  Mrs.  Eddy  to  the  team  and  recited 
"the  Scientific  Statement  of  Being,"  which  is  one  of 
the  principal  incantations,  I  judge.  Then  "I  felt  my 
eye  opening."  Why,  dear,  it  would  have  opened  an 
oyster.  I  think  it  is  one  of  the  touchingest  things 
in  child  -  history,  that  pious  little  rat  down  cellar 
pumping  away  at  the  Scientific  Statement  of  Being. 
There  is  a  page  about  another  good  child — little 
Gordon.  Little  Gordon  "came  into  the  world  with- 
out the  assistance  of  surgery  or  anesthetics."  He 
was  a  "demonstration."  A  painless  one;  therefore, 
his  coming  evoked  "joy  and  thankfulness  to  God 
and  the  Discoverer  of  Christian  Science."  It  is  a 
noticeable  feature  of  this  literature — the  so  frequent 
linking  together  of  the  Two  Beings  in  an  equal  bond ; 
also  of  Their  Two  Bibles.  When  little  Gordon  was 
two  years  old,  "he  was  playing  horse  on  the  bed, 
where  I  had  left  my  'little  book.'  I  noticed  him 
stop  in  his  play,  take  the  book  carefully  in  his  little 
hands,  kiss  it  softly,  then  look  about  for  the  high- 

a6 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

est  place  of  safety  his  arms  could  reach,  and  put  it 
there."  This  pious  act  filled  the  mother  "with  such 
a  train  of  thought  as  I  had  never  experienced  before. 
I  thought  of  the  sweet  mother  of  long  ago  who  kept 
things  in  her  heart,"  etc.  It  is  a  bold  comparison; 
however,  unconscious  profanations  are  about  as 
common  in  the  mouths  of  the  lay  membership  of  the 
new  Church  as  are  frank  and  open  ones  in  the 
mouths  of  its  consecrated  chiefs. 

Some  days  later,  the  family  library — Christian- 
Science  books — was  lying  in  a  deep-seated  window. 
This  was  another  chance  for  the  holy  child  to  show 
off.  He  left  his  play  and  went  there  and  pushed 
all  the  books  to  one  side,  except  the  Annex.  "It 
he  took  in  both  hands,  slowly  raised  it  to  his  lips, 
then  removed  it  carefully,  and  seated  himself  in  the 
window."  It  had  seemed  to  the  mother  too  won- 
derful to  be  true,  that  first  time;  but  now  she  was 
convinced  that  "neither  imagination  nor  accident 
had  anything  to  do  with  it."  Later,  little  Gordon 
let  the  author  of  his  being  see  him  do  it.  After  that 
he  did  it  frequently;  probably  every  time  anybody 
was  looking.  I  would  rather  have  that  child  than 
a  chromo.  If  this  tale  has  any  object,  it  is  to  inti- 
mate that  the  inspired  book  was  supernaturally  able 
to  convey  a  sense  of  its  sacred  and  awful  character 
to  this  innocent  little  creature,  without  the  inter- 
vention of  outside  aids.  The  magazine  is  not  edit- 
ed with  high-priced  discretion.  The  editor  has  a 
"claim,"  and  he  ought  to  get  it  treated. 

Among  other  witnesses  there  is  one  who  had  a 
"jumping  toothache,"  which  several  times  tempted 

47 


MARK    TWAIN 

her  to  ''believe  that  there  was  sensation  in  matter, 
but  each  time  it  was  overcome  by  the  power  of 
Truth."  She  would  not  allow  the  dentist  to  use 
cocaine,  but  sat  there  and  let  him  punch  and  drill 
and  split  and  crush  the  tooth,  and  tear  and  slash  its 
ulcerations,  and  pull  out  the  nerve,  and  dig  out 
fragments  of  bone;  and  she  wouldn't  once  confess 
that  it  hurt.  And  to  this  day  she  thinks  it  didn't, 
and  I  have  not  a  doubt  that  she  is  nine-tenths  right, 
and  that  her  Christian-Science  faith  did  her  better 
service  than  she  could  have  gotten  out  of  cocaine. 

There  is  an  account  of  a  boy  who  got  broken  all 
up  into  small  bits  by  an  accident,  but  said  over  the 
Scientific  Statement  of  Being,  or  some  of  the  other 
incantations,  and  got  well  and  sound  without  having 
suffered  any  real  pain  and  without  the  intrusion  of 
a  surgeon. 

Also,  there  is  an  account  of  the  restoration  to  per- 
fect health,  in  a  single  night,  of  a  fatally  injured 
horse,  by  the  application  of  Christian  Science.  I 
can  stand  a  good  deal,  but  I  recognize  that  the  ice 
is  getting  thin,  here.  That  horse  had  as  many  as 
fifty  claims;  how  could  he  demonstrate  over  them? 
Could  he  do  the  All-Good,  Good-Good,  Good- 
Gracious,  Liver,  Bones,  Truth,  All  down  but  Nine, 
Set  them  up  on  the  Other  Alley?  Could  he  intone 
the  Scientific  Statement  of  Being?  Now,  could  he? 
Wouldn't  it  give  him  a  relapse?  Let  us  draw  the 
line  at  horses.     Horses  and  furniture. 

There  is  plenty  of  other  testimonies  in  the  maga- 
zine, but  these  quoted  samples  will  answer.  They 
show  the  kind  of  trade  the  Science  is  driving.     Now 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

we  come  back  to  the  question,  Does  the  Science  kill 
a  patient  here  and  there  and  now  and  then?  We 
must  concede  it.  Does  it  compensate  for  this?  I 
am  persuaded  that  it  can  make  a  plausible  showing 
in  that  direction.  For  instance:  when  it  lays  its 
hand  upon  a  soldier  who  has  suffered  thirty  years  of 
helpless  torture  and  makes  him  whole  in  body  and 
mind,  what  is  the  actual  sum  of  that  achievement? 
This,  I  think:  that  it  has  restored  to  life  a  subject 
who  had  essentially  died  ten  deaths  a  year  for  thirty 
years,  and  each  of  them  a  long  and  painful  one.  But 
for  its  interference,  that  man,  in  the  three  years 
which  have  since  elapsed,  would  have  essentially  died 
thirty  times  more.  There  are  thousands  of  young 
people  in  the  land  who  are  now  ready  to  enter  upon 
a  lifelong  death  similar  to  that  man's.  Every  time 
the  Science  captures  one  of  these  and  secures  to  him 
lifelong  immunity  from  imagination-manufactured 
disease,  it  may  plausibly  claim  that  in  his  person  it 
has  saved  three  hundred  lives.  Meantime,  it  will 
kill  a  man  every  now  and  then.  But  no  matter,  it 
will  still  be  ahead  on  the  credit  side. 

Note. — I  have  received  several  letters  (two  from  educated  and 
ostensibly  intelligent  persons),  which  contained,  in  substance,  this 
protest:  "I  don't  object  to  men  and  women  chancing  their  lives 
with  these  people,  but  it  is  a  burning  shame  that  the  law  should 
allow  them  to  trust  their  helpless  little  children  in  their  deadly- 
hands."  Isn't  it  touching?  Isn't  it  deep?  Isn't  it  modest?  It  is 
as  if  the  person  said:  "I  know  that  to  a  parent  his  child  is  the  core 
of  his  heart,  the  apple  of  his  eye,  a  possession  so  dear,  so  precious 
that  he  will  trust  its  life  in  no  hands  but  those  which  he  believes, 
with  all  his  soul,  to  be  the  very  best  and  the  very  safest,  but  it 
is  a  burning  shame  that  the  law  does  not  require  him  to  come  to 
me  to  ask  what  kind  of  healer  I  will  allow  him  to  call."  The  pubEc. 
is  merely  a  multiplied  "me." — M.  T. 


CHAPTER  VII1 

"We  consciously  declare  that  Science  and  Health,  with  Key 
to  the  Scriptures,  was  foretold,  as  well  as  its  author,  Mary  Baker 
Eddy,  in  Revelation  x.  She  is  the  'mighty  angel,'  or  God's 
highest  thought  to  this  age  (verse  i),  giving  us  the  spiritual 
interpretation  of  the  Bible  in  the  c little  book  open'  (verse  2). 
Thus  we  prove  that  Christian  Science  is  the  second  coming 
of  Christ — Truth — Spirit." — Lecture  by  Dr.  George  Tomkins, 
D.D.C.S. 

THERE  you  have  it  in  plain  speech.  She  is  the 
mighty  angel;  she  is  the  divinely  and  officially 
sent  bearer  of  God's  highest  thought.  For  the  present, 
she  brings  the  Second  Advent.  We  must  expect  that 
before  she  has  been  in  her  grave  fifty  years  she  will 
be  regarded  by  her  following  as  having  been  herself 
the  Second  Advent.  She  is  already  worshiped,  and 
we  must  expect  this  feeling  to  spread,  territorially, 
and  also  to  deepen  in  intensity.2 

Particularly  after  her  death;  for  then,  as  any 
one  can  foresee,  Eddy- Worship  will  be  taught  in  the 
Sunday-schools  and  pulpits  of  the  cult.     Already 

1  Written  in  Europe  in  1899,  but  not  hitherto  published  in  book 
form.— M.  T. 

2  After  raising  a  dead  child  to  life,  the  disciple  who  did  it  writes  an 
account  of  her  performance  to  Mrs.  Eddy,  and  closes  it  thus:  "My 
prayer  daily  is  to  be  more  spiritual,  that  I  may  do  more  as  you  would 
have  me  do,  .  .  .  and  may  we  all  love  you  more,  and  so  live  it 
that  the  world  may  know  that  the  Christ  is  come." — Printed  in  the 
Concord,  N.  H.,  Independent  Statesman,  March  9,  1899.  If  this  is 
not  worship,  it  is  a  good  imitation  of  it. — M.  T. 

50 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

whatever  she  puts  her  trade-mark  on,  though  it  be 
only  a  memorial  spoon,  is  holy  and  is  eagerly  and 
gratefully  bought  by  the  disciple,  and  becomes  a 
fetich  in  his  house.  I  say  bought,  for  the  Boston 
Christian-Science  Trust  gives  nothing  away;  every- 
thing it  has  is  for  sale.  And  the  terms  are  cash;  and 
not  only  cash,  but  cash  in  advance.  Its  god  is  Mrs. 
Eddy  first,  then  the  Dollar.  Not  a  spiritual  Dollar, 
but  a  real  one.  From  end  to  end  of  the  Christian- 
Science  literature  not  a  single  (material)  thing  in  the 
world  is  conceded  to  be  real,  except  the  Dollar. 
But  all  through  and  through  its  advertisements  that 
reality  is  eagerly  and  persistently  recognized. 

The  Dollar  is  hunted  down  in  all  sorts  of  ways; 
the  Christian-Science  Mother  Church  and  Bargain- 
Counter  in  Boston  peddles  all  kinds  of  spiritual 
wares  to  the  faithful,  and  always  on  the  one  con- 
dition— cash,  cash  in  advance.  The  Angel  of  the 
Apocalypse  could  not  go  there  and  get  a  copy  of  his 
own  pirated  book  on  credit.  Many,  many  precious 
Christian-Science  things  are  to  be  had  there — for 
cash:  Bible  Lessons;  Church  Manual;  C.  S.  Hymnal; 
History  of  the  building  of  the  Mother  Church ;  lot  of 
Sermons;  Communion  Hymn,  "Saw  Ye  my  Sa- 
viour," by  Mrs.  Eddy,  half  a  dollar  a  copy,  "words 
used  by  special  permission  of  Mrs.  Eddy."  Also 
we  have  Mrs.  Eddy's  and  the  Angel's  little  Bible- 
Annex  in  eight  styles  of  binding  at  eight  kinds  of 
war-prices;  among  these  a  sweet  thing  in  "levant, 
divinity  circuit,  leather-lined  to  edge,  round  corners, 
gold  edge,  silk -sewed,  each,  prepaid,  $6,"  and  if 
you  take  a  million  you  get  them  a  shilling  cheaper 

5i 


MARK     TWAIN 

—that  is  to  say,  "prepaid,  $5. 75."  Also  we  have 
Mrs.  Eddy's  Miscellaneous  Writings,  at  'andsome  big 
prices,  the  divinity-circuit  style  heading  the  extor- 
tions, shilling  discount  where  you  take  an  edition. 
Next  comes  Christ  and  Christmas,  by  the  fertile  Mrs. 
Eddy — a  poem — would  God  I  could  see  it! — price 
$3,  cash  in  advance.  Then  follow  five  more  books 
by  Mrs.  Eddy,  at  highwayman's  rates,  some  of  them 
in  "leatherette  covers,"  some  of  them  in  "pebbled 
cloth,"  with  divinity  circuit,  compensation-balance, 
twin-screw,  and  the  other  modern  improvements; 
and  at  the  same  bargain-counter  can  be  had  The 
Christian  Science  Journal. 

Christian-Science  literary  discharges  are  a  monop- 
oly of  the  Mother-Church  Headquarters  Factory  in 
Boston;  none  genuine  without  the  trade-mark  of  the 
Trust.     You  must  apply  there  and  not  elsewhere.1 

The  Trust  has  still  other  sources  of  income. 
Mrs.  Eddy  is  president  (and  proprietor)  of  the 
Trust's  Metaphysical  College  in  Boston,  where  the 
student  of  C.  S.  healing  learns  the  game  by  a  three 
weeks'  course,  and  pays  one  hundred  dollars  for  it.2 
And  I  have  a  case  among  my  statistics  where  the 
student  had  a  three  weeks'  course  and  paid  three 
hundred  for  it. 

1  February,  1903.  I  applied  last  month,  but  they  returned  my 
money,  and  wouldn't  play.     We  are  not  on  speaking  terms  now. 

— M.  T. 

2  An  error.  For  one  hundred,  read  three  hundred.  That  was  for 
twelve  brief  lessons.  But  this  cheapness  only  lasted  until  the  end 
of  1888 — fourteen  years  ago.  [I  am  making  this  note  in  December, 
1902.]  Mrs.  Eddy — over  her  own  signature — then  made  a  change; 
the  new  terms  were  three  hundred  dollars  for  seven  lessons.  See 
Christian  Science  Journal  for  December,  1888. — M.  T. 

K2 


Front  a  stereograph,  copyright,  iqoO,  by  H.  C.  White  Co.,  N.  Y . 


THE      FIRST     CHURCH     OF     CHRIST,     SCIENTIST,     BOSTON,     MASS., 
KNOWN    AS   THE    MOTHER-CHURCH 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  Trust  does  love  the  Dollar,  when  it  isn't  a 
spiritual  one. 

In  order  to  force  the  sale  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  Bible- 
Annex,  no  healer,  Metaphysical-College-bred  or 
other,  is  allowed  to  practise  the  game  unless  he 
possesses  a  copy  of  that  book.  That  means  a  large 
and  constantly  augmenting  income  for  the  Trust. 
No  C.  S.  family  would  consider  itself  loyal  or  pious 
or  pain-proof  without  an  Annex  or  two  in  the  house. 
That  means  an  income  for  the  Trust,  in  the  near 
future,  of  millions;  not  thousands — millions  a  year. 

No  member,  young  or  old,  of  a  branch  Christian- 
Scientist  church  can  acquire  and  retain  membership 
in  the  Mother  Church  unless  he  pay  "capitation 
tax"  (of  "not  less  than  a  dollar,"  say  the  By-Laws) 
to  the  Boston  Trust  every  year.  That  means  an 
income  for  the  Trust,  in  the  near  future,  of — let  us 
venture  to  say — millions  more  per  year. 

It  is  a  reasonably  safe  guess  that  in  America  in 
1920  there  will  be  ten  million1  Christian  Scientists, 
and  three  millions  in  Great  Britain;  that  these  figures 
will  be  trebled  in  1930;  that  in  America  in  1920  the 
Christian  Scientists  will  be  a  political  force,  in  1930 
politically  formidable,  and  in  1940  the  governing 
power  in  the  Republic — to  remain  that,  permanently. 
And  I  think  it  a  reasonable  guess  that  the  Trust 
(which  is  already  in  our  day  pretty  brusque  in  its 
ways)  will  then  be  the  most  insolent  and  unscrupu- 
lous and  tyrannical  politico-religious  master  that  has 

Written  in  1899.  It  is  intended  to  include  men,  women,  and 
children.  Although  the  calculation  was  based  upon  inflated  sta- 
tistics, I  believe  to-day  that  it  is  not  far  out. — M.  T. 

53 


MARK     TWAIN 

dominated  a  people  since  the  palmy  days  of  the 
Inquisition.  And  a  stronger  master  than  the  strong- 
est of  bygone  times,  because  this  one  will  have  a 
financial  strength  not  dreamed  of  by  any  prede- 
cessor; as  effective  a  concentration  of  irresponsible 
power  as  any  predecessor  has  had;1  in  the  railway, 
the  telegraph,  and  the  subsidized  newspaper,  better 
facilities  for  watching  and  managing  his  empire  than 
any  predecessor  has  had;  and,  after  a  generation  or 
two,  he  will  probably  divide  Christendom  with  the 
Catholic  Church. 

The  Roman  Church  has  a  perfect  organization, 
and  it  has  an  effective  centralization  of  power — but 
not  of  its  cash.  Its  multitude  of  Bishops  are  rich, 
but  their  riches  remain  in  large  measure  in  their  own 
hands.  They  collect  from  two  hundred  millions  of 
people,  but  they  keep  the  bulk  of  the  result  at  home. 
The  Boston  Pope  of  by  and  by  will  draw  his  dollar-a- 
head capitation  tax  from  three  hundred  millions  of 
the  human  race,2  and  the  Annex  and  the  rest  of  his 
book-shop  stock  will  fetch  in  as  much  more ;  and  his 
Metaphysical  Colleges,  the  annual  pilgrimage  to 
Mrs.  Eddy's  tomb,  from  all  over  the  world — admis- 
sion, the  Christian-Science  Dollar  (payable  in  ad- 
vance)— purchases  of  consecrated  glass  beads,  can- 
dles, memorial  spoons,  aureoled  chromo-portraits  and 
bogus  autographs  of  Mrs.  Eddy;  cash  offerings  at  her 

1  It  can  be  put  stronger  than  that  and  still  be  true. — M.  T. 

2 In  that  day  by  force;  it  is  voluntary  now.  In  the  new  half  of 
this  book  the  reader  will  perceive  that  all  imaginable  compulsions 
are  possible  under  the  Mother  Church's  body  of  Laws.  To-day 
more  is  expected  than  the  one  dollar.  This  is  indicated  in  the  wording 
of  the  By-Law,     Much  more  comes,  from  many  members. — M.  T. 

54 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

shrine — no  crutches  of  cured  cripples  received,  and 
no  imitations  of  miraculously  restored  broken  legs 
and  necks  allowed  to  be  hung  up  except  when  made 
out  of  the  Holy  Metal  and  proved  by  fire-assay;  cash 
for  miracles  worked  at  the  tomb;  these  money- 
sources,  with  a  thousand  to  be  yet  invented  and 
ambushed  upon  the  devotee,  will  bring  the  annual 
increment  well  up  above  a  billion.  And  nobody  but 
the  Trust  will  have  the  handling  of  it.  In  that  day, 
the  Trust  will  monopolize  the  manufacture  and  sale 
of  the  Old  and  New  Testaments  as  well  as  the  Annex, 
and  raise  their  price  to  Annex  rates,  and  compel  the 
devotee  to  buy  (for  even  to-day  a  healer  has  to  have 
the  Annex  and  the  Scriptures  or  he  is  not  allowed  to 
work  the  game),  and  that  will  bring  several  hundred 
million  dollars  more.  In  those  days,  the  Trust  will 
have  an  income  approaching  five  million  dollars  a 
day,  and  no  expenses  to  be  taken  out  of  it ;  no  taxes 
to  pay,  and  no  charities  to  support.  That  last  detail 
should  not  be  lightly  passed  over  by  the  reader; 
it  is  well  entitled  to  attention. 

No  charities  to  support.  No,  nor  even  to  con- 
tribute to.  One  searches  in  vain  the  Trust's  ad- 
vertisements and  the  utterances  of  its  organs  for 
any  suggestion  that  it  spends  a  penny  on  orphans, 
widows,  discharged  prisoners,  hospitals,  ragged 
schools,  night  missions,  city  missions,  libraries,  old 
people's  homes,  or  any  other  object  that  appeals  to 
a  human  being's  purse  through  his  heart.1 

*In  two  years  (1898-99)  the  membership  of  the  Established 
Church  in  England  gave  voluntary  contributions  amounting  to 
seventy-three  millions  of  dollars  to  the  Church's  benevolent  enter- 
prises.   Churches  that  give  have  nothing  to  hide. — M,  T, 

55 


MARK    TWAIN 

I  have  hunted,  hunted,  and  hunted,  by  corre- 
spondence and  otherwise,  and  have  not  yet  got  upon 
the  track  of  a  farthing  that  the  Trust  has  spent  upon 
any  worthy  object.  Nothing  makes  a  Scientist  so 
uncomfortable  as  to  ask  him  if  he  knows  of  a  case 
where  Christian  Science  has  spent  money  on  a 
benevolence,  either  among  its  own  adherents  or 
elsewhere.  He  is  obliged  to  say  "No."  And  then 
one  discovers  that  the  person  questioned  has  been 
asked  the  question  many  times  before,  and  that 
it  is  getting  to  be  a  sore  subject  with  him.  Why  a 
sore  subject  ?  Because  he  has  written  his  chiefs  and 
asked  with  high  confidence  for  an  answer  that  will 
confound  these  questioners — and  the  chiefs  did  not 
reply.  He  has  written  again,  and  then  again — not 
with  confidence,  but  humbly,  now — and  has  begged 
for  defensive  ammunition  in  the  voice  of  supplica- 
tion. A  reply  does  at  last  come — to  this  effect: 
"We  must  have  faith  in  Our  Mother,  and  rest  con- 
tent in  the  conviction  that  whatever  She *  does 
with  the  money  it  is  in  accordance  with  orders  from 
Heaven,  for  She  does  no  act  of  any  kind  without 
first  'demonstrating  over'  it." 

That  settles  it — as  far  as  the  disciple  is  concerned. 
His  mind  is  satisfied  with  that  answer ;  he  gets  down 
his  Annex  and  does  an  incantation  or  two,  and  that 
mesmerizes  his  spirit  and  puts  that  to  sleep — brings 
it  peace.  Peace  and  comfort  and  joy,  until  some 
inquirer  punctures  the  old  sore  again. 

Through  friends  in  America  I  asked  some  ques- 

II  may  be  introducing  the  capital  S  a  little  early — still,  it  is  on 
its  way. — M.  T. 

56 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

tions,  and  in  some  cases  got  definite  and  informing 
answers ;  in  other  cases  the  answers  were  not  definite 
and  not  valuable.  To  the  question,  "Does  any  of 
the  money  go  to  charities?"  the  answer  from  an 
authoritative  source  was :  ' '  No,  not  in  the  sense  usu- 
ally conveyed  by  this  word."  (The  italics  are  mine.) 
That  answer  is  cautious.  But  definite,  I  think — 
utterly  and  unassailably  definite — although  quite 
Christian-Scientifically  foggy  in  its  phrasing.  Chris- 
tian-Science testimony  is  generally  foggy,  generally 
diffuse,  generally  garrulous.  The  writer  was  aware 
that  the  first  word  in  his  phrase  answered  the  ques- 
tion which  I  was  asking,  but  he  could  not  help  adding 
nine  dark  words.  Meaningless  ones,  unless  explained 
by  him.  It  is  quite  likely,  as  intimated  by  him,  that 
Christian  Science  has  invented  a  new  class  of  objects 
to  apply  the  word  "charity"  to,  but  without  an 
explanation  we  cannot  know  what  they  are.  We 
quite  easily  and  naturally  and  confidently  guess  that 
they  are  in  all  cases  objects  which  will  return  five 
hundred  per  cent,  on  the  Trust's  investment  in  them, 
but  guessing  is  not  knowledge;  it  is  merely,  in  this 
case,  a  sort  of  nine-tenths  certainty  deducible  from 
what  we  think  we  know  of  the  Trust's  trade  prin- 
ciples and  its  sly  and  furtive  and  shifty  ways.1 

Sly  ?  Deep  ?  Judicious  ?  The  Trust  understands 
its  business.     The  Trust  does  not  give  itself  away. 

1  February,  1903.  A  letter  has  come  to  me,  this  month,  from  a 
lady  who  says  that  while  she  was  living  in  Boston,  a  few  years  ago, 
she  visited  the  Mother  Church  and  offices  and  had  speech  with 
Judge  Septimus  J.  Hanna,  the  "first  reader,"  who  "stated  positively 
that  the  Church,  as  a  body,  does  no  philanthropic  work  what*, 
ever."— M.  T. 

5  57 


MARK     TWAIN 

It  defeats  all  the  attempts  of  us  impertinents  to  get 
at  its  trade  secrets.  To  this  day,  after  all  our  dili- 
gence, we  have  not  been  able  to  get  it  to  confess  what 
it  does  with  the  money.  It  does  not  even  let  its 
own  disciples  find  out.  All  it  says  is,  that  the 
matter  has  been  ''demonstrated  over."  Now  and 
then  a  lay  Scientist  says,  with  a  grateful  exultation, 
that  Mrs.  Eddy  is  enormously  rich,  but  he  stops 
there ;  as  to  whether  any  of  the  money  goes  to  other 
charities  or  not,  he  is  obliged  to  admit  that  he  does 
not  know.  However,  the  Trust  is  composed  of  hu- 
man beings;  and  this  justifies  the  conjecture  that  if 
it  had  a  charity  on  its  list  which  it  was  proud  of,  we 
shoulc*  ~oon  hear  of  it. 

* '  Without  money  and  without  price . ' '  Those  used 
to  be  the  terms.  Mrs.  Eddy's  Annex  cancels  them. 
The  motto  of  Christian  Science  is,  "The  laborer  is 
worthy  of  his  hire."  And  now  that  it  has  been 
"demonstrated  over,"  we  fmd  its  spiritual  meaning 
to  be,  "Do  anything  and  everything  your  hand  may 
find  to  do;  and  charge  cash  for  it,  and  collect  the 
money  in  advance."  The  Scientist  has  on  his 
tongue's  end  a  cut-and-dried,  Boston-supplied  set  of 
rather  lean  arguments,  whose  function  is  to  show 
that  it  is  a  Heaven-commanded  duty  to  do  this,  and 
that  the  croupiers  of  the  game  have  no  choice  but  to 
obey.1 

i  February,  1903.  If  I  seem  to  be  charging  any  one  outside  of  the 
Trust  with  an  exaggerated  appetite  for  money,  I  have  not  meant 
to  do  it.  The  exactions  of  the  ordinary  C.  S.  "healer"  are  not 
exorbitant.  If  I  have  prejudices  against  the  Trust — and  I  do  feel 
that  I  have — they  do  not  extend  to  the  lay  membership.  "The 
laborer  is  worthy  of  his  hire."    And  is  entitled  to  receive  it,  too, 

58 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  Trust  seems  to  be  a  reincarnation.  Exodus 
xxxii.  4. 

and  charge  his  own  price  (when  he  is  laboring  in  a  lawful  calling). 
The  great  surgeon  charges  a  thousand  dollars,  and  no  one  is  justified 
in  objecting  to  it.  The  great  preacher  and  teacher  in  religion 
receives  a  large  salary,  and  is  entitled  to  it;  Henry  Ward  Beecher's 
was  twenty  thousand  dollars.  Mrs.  Eddy's  Metaphysical  College 
was  chartered  by  the  state,  and  she  had  a  legal  right  to  charge 
amazing  prices,  and  she  did  it.  She  allows  only  a  few  persons  to 
teach  Christian  Science.  The  calling  of  these  teachers  is  not  illegal. 
Mrs.  Eddy  appoints  the  sum  their  students  must  pay,  and  it  is  a 
round  one;  but  that  is  no  matter,  since  they  need  not  come  unless 
they  want  to. 

But  when  we  come  to  the  C.  S.  "healer,"  the  practitioner,  that 
is  another  thing.  He  exists  by  the  hundred;  his  services  are  prized 
by  his  C.  S.  patient,  they  are  preferred  above  all  other  human  help, 
and  are  thankfully  paid  for.  As  I  have  just  remarked,  his  prices 
are  not  large.  But  there  is  hardly  a  state  wherein  he  can  lawfully 
practise  his  profession.  In  the  name  of  religion,  of  morals,  and 
of  Christ — represented  on  the  earth  by  Mrs.  Eddy — he  enters  upon 
his  trade  a  commissioned  law-breaker. 

A  law-breaker.  It  is  curious,  but  if  the  Second  Advent  should 
happen  now,  Jesus  could  not  heal  the  sick  in  the  state  of  New 
York.  He  could  not  do  it  lawfully;  therefore  He  could  not  do  it 
morally;  therefore  He  could  not  do  it  at  all. — M.  T. 

March  12,  1903.  While  I  am  reading  the  final  proofs  of  this 
book,  the  following  letter  has  come  to  me.  It  is  not  marked  private, 
therefore  I  suppose  I  may  without  impropriety  insert  it  here,  if  I 
suppress  the  signature: 

"Dear  Sir, — In  the  North  American  Review  for  January  is  the 
statement,  in  effect,  that  Christian  Scientists  give  nothing  to 
charities.  It  has  had  wide  reading  and  is  doubtless  credited.  To 
produce  a  true  impression,  it  seems  as  if  other  facts  should  have 
been  stated  in  connection. 

"With  regret  for  adding  anything  to  the  burden  of  letters  from 
strangers,  I  am  impelled  to  write  what  I  know  from  a  limited  acquain- 
tance in  the  sect.     I  am  not  connected  with  it  myself. 

"The  charity  freely  given  by  individual  practitioners,  so  far  as 
I  know  it,  is  at  least  equal  to  that  of  regular  physicians.  Charges 
are  made  with  much  more  than  equal  consideration  of  the  means 
of  the  patient.  Of  course  druggists'  bills  and  the  enormous  expenses 
involved  in  the  employment  of  a  trained  nurse,  exist  in  small  degree 
or  not  at  all. 

"As  to  organized  charities:  It  is  hard  to  find  one  where  the 

59 


MARK     TWAIN 

I  have  no  reverence  for  the  Trust,  but  I  am  not 
lacking  in  reverence  for  the  sincerities  of  the  lay 
membership  of  the  new  Church.  There  is  every 
evidence  that  the  lay  members  are  entirely  sincere 
in  their  faith,  and  I  think  sincerity  is  always  en- 
titled to  honor  and  respect,  let  the  inspiration  of 
the  sincerity  be  what  it  may.  Zeal  and  sincerity 
can  carry  a  new  religion  further  than  any  other 
missionary  except  fire  and  sword,  and  I  believe  that 
the  new  religion  will  conquer  the  half  of  Christen- 
dom in  a  hundred  years.  I  am  not  intending  this 
as  a  compliment  to  the  human  race;  I  am  merely 
stating  an  opinion.  And  yet  I  think  that  perhaps 
it  'is  a  compliment  to  the  race.     I  keep  in  mind  that 

most  intelligent  laborers  in  it  feel  that  they  are  reaching  the  root 
of  an  evil.  They  are  putting  a  few  plasters  on  a  body  of  disease. 
Complaint  is  made,  too,  that  the  machinery,  by  which  of  necessity 
systematic  charity  must  be  administered,  prevents  the  personal 
friendliness  and  sympathy  which  should  pervade  it  throughout. 

"Christian  Science  claims  to  be  able  to  abolish  the  need  for 
charity.  The  results  of  drunkenness  make  great  demands  upon  the 
charitable.  But  the  principle  of  Christian  Science  takes  away  the 
desire  for  strong  drink.  If  sexual  propensities  were  dominated,  not 
only  by  reason,  but  by  Christian  love  for  both  the  living  and  the 
unborn — Christian  Science  is  emphatic  on  this  subject — many 
existing  charitable  societies  would  have  no  reason  to  be.  So  far  as 
Christian  Science  prevents  disease,  the  need  for  hospitals  is  lessened. 
Not  only  illness,  but  poverty,  is  a  subject  for  the  practice  of  Christian 
Science.  If  this  evil  were  prevented  there  would  be  no  occasion  to 
alleviate  its  results. 

"The  faith,  hope,  and  love  which  the  few  Christian  Scientists  I 
have  known  have  lived  and  radiated,  made  conditions  needing 
organized  charity  vanish  before  them. 

"With  renewed  apology  for  intrusion  upon  one  whose  own 
'Uncle  Silas'  was  'loved  back'  to  sanity, 

-'I  am,  etc.,  etc. 

"Woburn,  Mass., 

"March  10,  IQ03." 

60 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

saying  of  an  orthodox  preacher — quoted  further  back. 
He  conceded  that  this  new  Christianity  frees  its 
possessor's  life  from  frets,  fears,  vexations,  bitterness, 
and  all  sorts  of  imagination-propagated  maladies  and 
pains,  and  fills  his  world  with  sunshine  and  his  heart 
with  gladness.  If  Christian  Science,  with  this  stu- 
pendous equipment — and  final  salvation  added—- 
cannot  win  half  the  Christian  globe,  I  must  be  badly 
mistaken  in  the  make-up  of  the  human  race. 

I  think  the  Trust  will  be  handed  down  like  the 
other  Papacy,  and  will  always  know  how  to  handle 
its  limitless  cash.  It  will  press  the  button;  the 
zeal,  the  energy,  the  sincerity,  the  enthusiasm  of  its 
countless  vassals  will  do  the  rest. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

THE  power  which  a  man's  imagination  has  over 
his  body  to  heal  it  or  make  it  sick  is  a  force  which 
none  of  us  is  born  without.  The  first  man  had  it, 
the  last  one  will  possess  it.  If  left  to  himself,  a  man 
is  most  likely  to  use  only  the  mischievous  half  of  the 
force — the  half  which  invents  imaginary  ailments  for 
him  and  cultivates  them;  and  if  he  is  one  of  these 
very  wise  people,  he  is  quite  likely  to  scoff  at  the 
beneficent  half  of  the  force  and  deny  its  existence. 
And  so,  to  heal  or  help  that  man,  two  imaginations 
are  required:  his  own  and  some  outsider's.  The 
outsider,  B,  must  imagine  that  his  incantations  are 
the  healing-power  that  is  curing  A,  and  A  must 
imagine  that  this  is  so.  I  think  it  is  not  so,  at  all; 
but  no  matter,  the  cure  is  effected,  and  that  is  the 
main  thing.  The  outsider's  work  is  unquestionably 
valuable ;  so  valuable  that  it  may  fairly  be  likened  to 
the  essential  work  performed  by  the  engineer  when 
he  handles  the  throttle  and  turns  on  the  steam;  the 
actual  power  is  lodged  exclusively  in  the  engine,  but 
if  the  engine  were  left  alone  it  would  never  start  of 
itself.  Whether  the  engineer  be  named  Jim,  or 
Bob,  or  Tom,  it  is  all  one — his  services  are  necessary, 
and  he  is  entitled  to  such  wage  as  he  can  get  you 
to  pay.    Whether  he  be  named  Christian  Scientist, 

62 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

or  Mental  Scientist,  or  Mind  Curist,  or  King's-Evil 
Expert,  or  Hypnotist,  it  is  all  one;  he  is  merely  the 
Engineer ;  he  simply  turns  on  the  same  old  steam  and 
the  engine  does  the  whole  work. 

The  Christian-Scientist  engineer  drives  exactly 
the  same  trade  as  the  other  engineers,  yet  he  out- 
prospers  the  whole  of  them  put  together.1 

Is  it  because  he  has  captured  the  takingest  name? 
I  think  that  that  is  only  a  small  part  of  it.  I  think 
that  the  secret  of  his  high  prosperity  lies  elsewhere. 

The  Christian  Scientist  has  organized  the  business. 
Now  that  was  certainly  a  gigantic  idea.  Electricity, 
in  limitless  volume,  has  existed  in  the  air  and  the 
rocks  and  the  earth  and  everywhere  since  time 
began — and  was  going  to  waste  all  the  while.  In  our 
time  we  have  organized  that  scattered  and  wandering 
force  and  set  it  to  work,  and  backed  the  business 
with  capital,  and  concentrated  it  in  few  and  compe- 
tent hands,  and  the  results  are  as  we  see. 

The  Christian  Scientist  has  taken  a  force  which 
has  been  lying  idle  in  every  member  of  the  human 
race  since  time  began,  and  has  organized  it,  and 
backed  the  business  with  capital,  and  concentrated 
it  at  Boston  headquarters  in  the  hands  of  a  small  and 
very  competent  Trust,  and  there  are  results. 

Therein  lies  the  promise  that  this  monopoly  is 
going  to  extend  its  commerce  wide  in  the  earth.  I 
think  that  if  the  business  were  conducted  in  the 
loose  and  disconnected  fashion  customary  with  such 

1  February,  1903.  As  I  have  already  remarked  in  a  foot-note,  the 
Scientist  claims  that  he  uses  a  force  not  used  by  any  of  the  others. 

— M.  T. 

63 


MARK     TWAIN 

things,  it  would  achieve  but  little  more  than  the 
modest  prosperity  usually  secured  by  unorganized 
great  moral  and  commercial  ventures;  but  I  believe 
that  so  long  as  this  one  remains  compactly  organized 
and  closely  concentrated  in  a  Trust,  the  spread  of 
its  dominion  will  continue. 


CHAPTER  IX 

FOUR  years  ago  I  wrote  the  preceding  chapters.1 
I  was  assured  by  the  wise  that  Christian  Science 
was  a  fleeting  craze  and  would  soon  perish.  .This 
prompt  and  all-competent  stripe  of  prophet  is  always 
to  be  had  in  the  market  at  ground-floor  rates.  He 
does  not  stop  to  load,  or  consider,  or  take  aim,  but 
lets  fly  just  as  he  stands.  Facts  are  nothing  to  him, 
he  has  no  use  for  such  things;  he  works  wholly  by 
inspiration.  And  so,  when  he  is  asked  why  he  con- 
siders a  new  movement  a  passing  fad  and  quickly 
perishable,  he  finds  himself  unprepared  with  a 
reason  and  is  more  or  less  embarrassed.  For  a 
moment.  Only  for  a  moment.  Then  he  waylays  the 
first  specter  of  a  reason  that  goes  flitting  through  the 
desert  places  of  his  mind,  and  is  at  once  serene  again 
and  ready  for  conflict.  Serene  and  confident.  Yet 
he  should  not  be  so,  since  he  has  had  no  chance  to 
examine  his  catch,  and  cannot  know  whether  it  is 
going  to  help  his  contention  or  damage  it. 

The  impromptu  reason  furnished  by  the  early 
prophets  of  whom  I  have  spoken  was  this: 

" There  is  nothing  to  Christian  Science;  there  is 
nothing  about  it  that  appeals  to  the  intellect;  its 
market  will  be  restricted  to  the  unintelligent,  the 
mentally  inferior,  the  people  who  do  not  think." 

i  That  is  to  say,  in  1898. 
63 


MARK    TWAIN 

They  called  that  a  reason  why  the  cult  would  not 
flourish  and  endure.  It  seems  the  equivalent  of 
saying : 

"There  is  no  money  in  tinware;  there  is  nothing 
about  it  that  appeals  to  the  rich;  its  market  will  be 
restricted  to  the  poor." 

It  is  like  bringing  forward  the  best  reason  in  the 
world  why  Christian  Science  should  flourish  and 
live,  and  then  blandly  offering  it  as  a  reason  why  it 
should  sicken  and  die. 

That  reason  was  furnished  me  by  the  complacent 
and  unfrightened  prophets  four  years  ago,  and  it 
has  been  furnished  me  again  to-day.  If  conversions 
to  new  religions  or  to  old  ones  were  in  any  consider- 
able degree  achieved  through  the  intellect,  the 
aforesaid  reason  would  be  sound  and  sufficient,  no 
doubt;  the  inquirer  into  Christian  Science  might  go 
away  unconvinced  and  unconverted.  But  we  all 
know  that  conversions  are  seldom  made  in  that 
way;  that  such  a  thing  as  a  serious  and  painstak- 
ing and  fairly  competent  inquiry  into  the  claims  of 
a  religion  or  of  a  political  dogma  is  a  rare  occurrence; 
and  that  the  vast  mass  of  men  and  women  are  far 
from  being  capable  of  making  such  an  examination. 
They  are  not  capable,  for  the  reason  that  their 
minds,  howsoever  good  they  may  be,  are  not  trained 
for  such  examinations.  The  mind  not  trained  for 
that  work  is  no  more  competent  to  do  it  than  are 
lawyers  and  farmers  competent  to  make  successful 
clothes  without  learning  the  tailor's  trade.  There 
are  seventy-five  million  men  and  women  among  us 
who  do  not  know  how  to  cut  out  and  make  a  dress- 

66 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

suit,  and  they  would  not  think  of  trying;  yet  they 
all  think  they  can  competently  think  out  a  political 
or  religious  scheme  without  any  apprenticeship  to 
the  business,  and  many  of  them  believe  they  have 
actually  worked  that  miracle.  But,  indeed,  the 
truth  is,  almost  all  the  men  and  women  of  our  nation 
or  of  any  other  get  their  religion  and  their  politics 
where  they  get  their  astronomy — entirely  at  second 
hand.  Being  untrained,  they  are  no  more  able  to 
intelligently  examine  a  dogma  or  a  policy  than  they 
are  to  calculate  an  eclipse. 

Men  are  usually  competent  thinkers  along  the 
lines  of  their  specialized  training  only.  Within 
these  limits  alone  are  their  opinions  and  judgments 
valuable;  outside  of  these  limits  they  grope  and  are 
lost — usually  without  knowing  it.  In  a  church 
assemblage  of  five  hundred  persons,  there  will  be 
a  man  or  two  whose  trained  minds  can  seize  upon 
each  detail  of  a  great  manufacturing  scheme  and 
recognize  its  value  or  its  lack  of  value  promptly; 
and  can  pass  the  details  in  intelligent  review,  sec- 
tion by  section,  and  finally  as  a  whole,  and  then 
deliver  a  verdict  upon  the  scheme  which  cannot  be 
flippantly  set  aside  nor  easily  answered.  And  there 
will  be  one  or  two  other  men  there  who  can  do  the 
same  thing  with  a  great  and  complicated  educational 
project;  and  one  or  two  others  who  can  do  the  like 
with  a  large  scheme  for  applying  electricity  in  a  new 
and  unheard-of  way;  and  one  or  two  others  who 
can  do  it  with  a  showy  scheme  for  revolutionizing 
the  scientific  world's  accepted  notions  regarding 
geology.     And  so  on,  and  so  on.     But  the  manu- 

67 


MARK    TWAIN 

facturing  experts  will  not  be  competent  to  examine 
the  educational  scheme  intelligently,  and  their 
opinion  about  it  would  not  be  valuable;  neither  of 
these  two  groups  will  be  able  to  understand  and 
pass  upon  the  electrical  scheme;  none  of  these  three 
batches  of  experts  will  be  able  to  understand  and 
pass  upon  the  geological  revolution;  and  probably 
not  one  man  in  the  entire  lot  will  be  competent  to 
examine,  capably,  the  intricacies  of  a  political  or 
religious  scheme,  new  or  old,  and  deliver  a  judg- 
ment upon  it  which  any  one  need  regard  as  precious. 
There  you  have  the  top  crust.  There  will  be 
four  hundred  and  seventy-five  men  and  women 
present  who  can  draw  upon  their  training  and  de- 
liver incontrovertible  judgments  concerning  cheese, 
and  leather,  and  cattle,  and  hardware,  and  soap,  and 
tar,  and  candles,  and  patent  medicines,  and  dreams, 
and  apparitions,  and  garden  truck,  and  cats,  and 
baby-food,  and  warts,  and  hymns,  and  time-tables, 
and  freight-rates,  and  summer  resorts,  and  whisky, 
and  law,  and  surgery,  and  dentistry,  and  black- 
smithing,  and  shoemaking,  and  dancing,  and  Huy- 
ler's  candy,  and  mathematics,  and  dog-fights,  and 
obstetrics,  and  music,  and  sausages,  and  dry-goods, 
and  molasses,  and  railroad  stocks,  and  horses,  and 
literature,  and  labor-unions,  and  vegetables,  and 
morals,  and  lamb's  fries,  and  etiquette,  and  agri- 
culture. And  not  ten  among  the  five  hundred — 
let  their  minds  be  ever  so  good  and  bright — will  be 
competent,  by  grace  of  the  requisite  specialized 
mental  training,  to  take  hold  of  a  complex  abstraction 
of  any  kind  and  make  head  or  tail  of  it. 

6£ 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

The  whole  five  hundred  are  thinkers,  and  they  are 
all  capable  thinkers — but  only  within  the  narrow 
limits  of  their  specialized  trainings.  Four  hundred 
and  ninety  of  them  cannot  competently  examine 
either  a  religious  plan  or  a  political  one.  A  scatter- 
ing few  of  them  do  examine  both — that  is,  they  think 
they  do.  With  results  as  precious  as  when  I  exam- 
ine the  nebular  theory  and  explain  it  to  myself. 

If  the  four  hundred  and  ninety  got  their  religion 
through  their  minds,  and  by  weighed  and  measured 
detail,  Christian  Science  would  not  be  a  scary 
apparition.  But  they  don't;  they  get  a  little  of  it 
through  their  minds,  more  of  it  through  their  feel- 
ings, and  the  overwhelming  bulk  of  it  through  their 
environment. 

Environment  is  the  chief  thing  to  be  considered 
when  one  is  proposing  to  predict  the  future  of 
Christian  Science.  It  is  not  the  ability  to  reason 
that  makes  the  Presbyterian,  or  the  Baptist,  or  the 
Methodist,  or  the  Catholic,  or  the  Mohammedan,  or 
the  Buddhist,  or  the  Mormon;  it  is  environment.  If 
religions  were  got  by  reasoning,  we  should  have  the 
extraordinary  spectacle  of  an  American  family  with 
a  Presbyterian  in  it,  and  a  Baptist,  a  Methodist,  a 
Catholic,  a  Mohammedan,  a  Buddhist,  and  a 
Mormon.  A  Presbyterian  family  does  not  produce 
Catholic  families  or  other  religious  brands,  it  pro- 
duces its  own  kind ;  and  not  by  intellectual  processes, 
but  by  association.  And  so  also  with  Mohammed- 
anism, the  cult  which  in  our  day  is  spreading  with 
the  sweep  of  a  world-conflagration  through  the 
Orient,  that  native  home  of  profound  thought  and 

69 


MARK    TWAIN 

of  subtle  intellectual  fence,  that  fertile  womb  whence 
has  sprung  every  great  religion  that  exists.  In- 
cluding our  own;  for  with  all  our  brains  we  cannot 
invent  a  religion  and  market  it. 

The  language  of  my  quoted  prophets  recurs  to  us 
now,  and  we  wonder  to  think  how  small  a  space  in 
the  world  the  mighty  Mohammedan  Church  would 
be  occupying  now,  if  a  successful  trade  in  its  line  of 
goods  had  been  conditioned  upon  an  exhibit  that 
would  "appeal  to  the  intellect"  instead  of  to  "the 
unintelligent,  the  mentally  inferior,  the  people  who 
do  not  think.' ' 

The  Christian  Science  Church,  like  the  Moham- 
medan Church,  makes  no  embarrassing  appeal  to  the 
Intellect,  has  no  occasion  to  do  it,  and  can  get  along 
quite  well  without  it. 

Provided.  Provided  what?  That  it  can  secure 
that  thing  which  is  worth  two  or  three  hundred 
thousand  times  more  than  an  "appeal  to  the  in- 
tellect"— an  environment.  Can  it  get  that  ?  Will  it 
be  a  menace  to  regular  Christianity  if  it  gets  that? 
Is  it  time  for  regular  Christianity  to  get  alarmed? 
Or  shall  regular  Christianity  smile  a  smile  and  turn 
over  and  take  another  nap?  Won't  it  be  wise  and 
proper  for  regular  Christianity  to  do  the  old  way, 
the  customary  way,  the  historical  way — lock  the 
stable  door  after  the  horse  is  gone  ?  Just  as  Protes- 
tantism has  smiled  and  nodded  this  long  time  (while 
the  alert  and  diligent  Catholic  was  slipping  in  and 
capturing  the  public  schools),  and  is  now  beginning 
to  hunt  around  for  the  key  when  it  is  too  late  ? 

Will  Christian  Science  get  a  chance  to  show  its 

70 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

wares?  It  has  already  secured  that  chance.  Will  it 
flourish  and  spread  and  prosper  if  it  shall  create  for 
itself  che  one  thing  essential  to  those  conditions — 
an  environment  ?  It  has  already  created  an  environ- 
ment. There  are  families  of  Christian  Scientists  in 
every  community  in  America,  and  each  family  is  a 
factory;  each  family  turns  out  a  Christian  Science 
product  at  the  customary  intervals,  and  contributes 
it  to  the  Cause  in  the  only  way  in  which  contribu- 
tions of  recruits  to  Churches  are  ever  made  on  a 
large  scale — by  the  puissant  forces  of  personal 
contact  and  association.  Each  family  is  an  agency 
for  the  Cause,  and  makes  converts  among  the 
neighbors,  and  starts  some  more  factories. 

Four  years  ago  there  were  six  Christian  Scientists 
in  a  certain  town  that  I  am  acquainted  with ;  a  year 
ago  there  were  two  hundred  and  fifty  there;  they 
have  built  a  church,  and  its  membership  now  num- 
bers four  hundred.  This  has  all  been  quietly  done; 
done  without  frenzied  revivals,  without  uniforms, 
brass-bands,  street  parades,  corner  oratory,  or  any  of 
the  other  customary  persuasions  to  a  godly  life. 
Christian  Science,  like  Mohammedanism,  is  "  re- 
stricted "  to  the  "unintelligent,  the  people  who  do 
not  think."  There  lies  the  danger.  It  makes 
Christian  Science  formidable.  It  is  "  restricted  "  to 
ninety-nine  one-hundredths  of  the  human  race,  and 
must  be  reckoned  with  by  regular  Christianity. 
And  will  be,  as  soon  as  it  is  too  late. 


BOOK    II 


11  There  were  remarkable  things  about  the  stranger  called  the 
Man-Mystery — things  so  very  extraordinary  that  they  monop- 
olized attention  and  made  all  of  him  seem  extraordinary;  but 
this  was  not  so,  the  most  of  his  qualities  being  of  the  common, 
every -day  size  and  like  anybody  else's.  It  was  curious.  He 
was  of  the  ordinary  stature,  and  had  the  ordinary  aspects;  yet 
in  him  were  hidden  such  strange  contradictions  and  dispro- 
portions! He  was  majestically  fearless  and  heroic;  he  had  the 
strength  of  thirty  men  and  the  daring  of  thirty  thousand; 
handling  armies,  organizing  states,  administering  governments 
— these  were  pastimes  to  him;  he  publicly  and  ostentatiously 
accepted  the  human  race  at  its  own  valuation — as  demigods — 
and  privately  and  successfully  dealt  with  it  at  quite  another 
and  juster  valuation — as  children  and  slaves;  his  ambitions  were 
stupendous,  and  his  dreams  had  no  commerce  with  the  humble 
plain,  but  moved  with  the  cloud-rack  among  the  snow-summits. 
These  features  of  him  were,  indeed,  extraordinary,  but  the  rest 
of  him  was  ordinary  and  usual.  He  was  so  mean-minded,  in 
the  matter  of  jealousy,  that  it  was  thought  he  was  descended 
from  a  god;  he  was  vain  in  little  ways,  and  had  a  pride  in  trivial- 
ities; he  doted  on  ballads  about  moonshine  and  bruised  hearts; 
in  education  he  was  deficient,  he  was  indifferent  to  literature, 
and  knew  nothing  of  art;  he  was  dumb  upon  all  subjects  but 
one,  indifferent  to  all  except  that  one — the  Nebular  Theory. 
Upon  that  one  his  flow  of  words  was  full  and  free,  he  was  a 
geyser.  The  official  astronomers  disputed  his  facts  and  derided 
his  views,  and  said  that  he  had  invented  both,  they  not  being 
findable  in  any  of  the  books.  But  many  of  the  laity,  who 
wanted  their  nebulosities  fresh,  admired  his  doctrine  and  adopted 
it,  and  it  attained  to  great  prosperity  in  spite  of  the  hostility  of 
the  experts." — The  Legend  of  the  Man-Mystery,  ch.  i. 


CHAPTER   I 

JANUARY,  1903.  When  we  do  not  know  a  public 
man  personally,  we  guess  him  out  by  the  facts  of 
his  career.  When  it  is  Washington,  we  all  arrive  at 
about  one  and  the  same  result.  We  agree  that  his 
words  and  his  acts  clearly  interpret  his  character  to 
us,  and  that  they  never  leave  us  in  doubt  as  to  the 
motives  whence  the  words  and  acts  proceeded.  It 
is  the  same  with  Joan  of  Arc,  it  is  the  same  with  two 
or  three  or  five  or  six  others  among  the  immortals. 
But  in  the  matter  of  motives  and  of  a  few  details 
of  character  we  agree  to  disagree  upon  Napoleon, 
Cromwell,  and  all  the  rest;  and  to  this  list  we  must 
add  Mrs.  Eddy.  I  think  we  can  peacefully  agree  as 
to  two  or  three  extraordinary  features  of  her  make- 
up, but  not  upon  the  other  features  of  it.  We  can- 
not peacefully  agree  as  to  her  motives,  therefore  her 
character  must  remain  crooked  to  some  of  us  and 
straight  to  the  others. 

No  matter,  she  is  interesting  enough  without  an 
amicable  agreement.  In  several  ways  she  is  the  most 
interesting  woman  that  ever  lived,  and  the  most 
extraordinary.  The  same  may  be  said  of  her  career, 
and  the  same  may  be  said  of  its  chief  result.  She 
started  from  nothing.  Her  enemies  charge  that  she 
surreptitiously  took  from  Quimby  a  peculiar  system 

77 


MARK    TWAIN 

of  healing  which  was  mind-cure  with  a  Biblical" 
basis.  She  and  her  friends  deny  that  she  took  any- 
thing from  him.  This  is  a  matter  which  we  can 
discuss  by  and  by.  Whether  she  took  it  or  in- 
vented it,  it  was — materially — a  sawdust-mine  when 
she  got  it,  and  she  has  turned  it  into  a  Klondike;  its 
spiritual  dock  had  next  to  no  custom,  if  any  at  all: 
from  it  she  has  launched  a  world-religion  which  has 
now  six  hundred  and  sixty-three  churches,  and  she 
charters  a  new  one  every  four  days.  When  we  do 
not  know  a  person — and  also  when  we  do — we  have 
to  judge  his  size  by  the  size  and  nature  of  his  achieve- 
ments, as  compared  with  the  achievements  of  others 
in  his  special  line  of  business — there  is  no  other  way. 
Measured  by  this  standard,  it  is  thirteen  hundred 
years  since  the  world  has  produced  any  one  who 
could  reach  up  to  Mrs.  Eddy's  waist-belt. 

Figuratively  speaking,  Mrs.  Eddy  is  already  as 
tall  as  the  Eiffel  tower.  She  is  adding  surprisingly 
to  her  stature  every  day.  It  is  quite  within  the 
probabilities  that  a  century  hence  she  will  be  the 
most  imposing  figure  that  has  cast  its  shadow  across 
the  globe  since  the  inauguration  of  our  era.  I 
grant  that  after  saying  these  strong  things,  it  is 
necessary  that  I  offer  some  details  calculated  to 
satisfactorily  demonstrate  the  proportions  which  I 
have  claimed  for  her.  I  will  do  that  presently;  but 
before  exhibiting  the  matured  sequoia  gigantea,  I  be- 
lieve it  will  be  best  to  exhibit  the  sprout  from  which 
it  sprang.  It  may  save  the  reader  from  making 
miscalculations.  The  person  who  imagines  that  a 
Big  Tree  sprout  is  bigger  than  other  kinds  of  sprouts 

78 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

is  quite  mistaken.  It  is  the  ordinary  thing;  it  makes 
no  show,  it  compels  no  notice,  it  hasn't  a  detectible 
quality  in  it  that  entitles  it  to  attention,  or  suggests 
the  future  giant  its  sap  is  suckling.  That  is  the  kind  of 
sprout  Mrs .  Eddy  was .  From  her  childhood  days  up  to 
where  she  was  running  a  half -century  a  close  race  and 
gaining  on  it,  she  was  most  humanly  commonplace. 

She  is  the  witness  I  am  drawing  this  from.  She 
has  revealed  it  in  her  autobiography.  Not  inten- 
tionally, of  course — I  am  not  claiming  that.  An 
autobiography  is  the  most  treacherous  thing  there 
is.  It  lets  out  every  secret  its  author  is  trying  to 
keep;  it  lets  the  truth  shine  unobstructed  through 
every  harmless  little  deception  he  tries  to  play;  it 
pitilessly  exposes  him  as  a  tin  hero  worshiping  him- 
self as  Big  Metal  every  time  he  tries  to  do  the 
modest-unconsciousness  act  before  the  reader.  This 
is  not  guessing;  I  am  speaking  from  autobiographical 
personal  experience;  I  was  never  able  to  refrain  from 
mentioning,  with  a  studied  casualness  that  could 
deceive  none  but  the  most  incautious  reader,  that  an 
ancestor  of  mine  was  sent  ambassador  to  Spain  by 
Charles  I.,  nor  that  in  a  remote  branch  of  my  family 
there  exists  a  claimant  to  an  earldom,  nor  that  an 
uncle  of  mine  used  to  own  a  dog  that  was  descended 
from  the  dog  that  was  in  the  Ark;  and  at  the  same 
time  I  was  never  able  to  persuade  myself  to  call  a 
gibbet  by  its  right  name  when  accounting  for  other 
ancestors  of  mine,  but  always  spoke  of  it  as  the 
"platform" — puerilely  intimating  that  they  were  out 
lecturing  when  it  happened. 

It  is  Mrs.  Eddy  over  again.     As  regards  her  minor 

79 


MARK     TWAIN 

half,  she  is  as  commonplace  as  the  rest  of  us.  Vain 
of  trivial  things  all  the  first  half  of  her  life,  and  still 
vain  of  them  at  seventy  and  recording  them  with 
naive  satisfaction — even  rescuing  some  early  rhymes 
of  hers  of  the  sort  that  we  all  scribble  in  the  innocent 
days  of  our  youth — rescuing  them  and  printing  them 
without  pity  or  apology,  just  as  the  weakest  and 
commonest  of  us  do  in  our  gray  age.  More — she 
still  frankly  admires  them;  and  in  her  introduction 
of  them  profanely  confers  upon  them  the  holy  name 
of  "poetry."     Sample: 

•  And  laud  the  land  whose  talents  rock 
The  cradle  of  her  power, 
And  wreaths  are  twined  round  Plymouth  Rock 
From  erudition's  bower. 

Minerva's  silver  sandals  still 
Are  loosed  and  not  effete. 

You  note  it  is  not  a  shade  above  the  thing  which 
all  human  beings  churn  out  in  their  youth. 

You  would  not  think  that  in  a  little  wee  primer — 
for  that  is  what  the  Autobiography  is — a  person  with 
a  tumultuous  career  of  seventy  years  behind  her 
could  find  room  for  two  or  three  pages  of  padding 
of  this  kind,  but  such  is  the  case.  She  evidently 
puts  narrative  together  with  difficulty  and  is  not  at 
home  in  it,  and  is  glad  to  have  something  ready 
made  to  fill  in  with.     Another  sample : 

Here  fame-honored  Hickory  rears  his  bold  form, 
And  bears «  a  brave  breast  to  the  lightning  and  storm, 
While  Palm,  Bay,  and  Laurel  in  classical  glee, 
Chase  Tulip,  Magnolia,  and  fragrant  Fringe-tree. 

1  Meaning  bares?    I  think  so. — M.  T. 
80 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

Vivid?  You  can  fairly  see  those  trees  galloping 
around.  That  she  could  still  treasure  up,  and  print, 
and  manifestly  admire  those  Poems,  indicates  that  the 
most  daring  and  masculine  and  masterful  woman  that 
has  appeared  in  the  earth  in  centuries  has  the  same 
soft,  girly-girly  places  in  her  that  the  rest  of  us  have. 

When  it  comes  to  selecting  her  ancestors  she  is 
still  human,  natural,  vain,  commonplace — as  com- 
monplace as  I  am  myself  when  I  am  sorting  an- 
cestors for  my  autobiography.  She  combs  out  some 
creditable  Scots,  and  labels  them  and  sets  them  aside 
for  use,  not  overlooking  the  one  to  whom  Sir  William 
Wallace  gave  "a  heavy  sword  incased  in  a  brass 
scabbard,' '  and  naively  explaining  which  Sir  William 
Wallace  it  was,  lest  we  get  the  wrong  one  by  the 
hassock;1  this  is  the  one  "from  whose  patriotism 
and  bravery  comes  that  heart-stirring  air,  'Scots  what 
hae  wi'  Wallace  bled. ' ' '  Hannah  More  was  related  to 
her  ancestors.    She  explains  who  Hannah  More  was. 

Whenever  a  person  informs  us  who  Sir  William 
Wallace  was,  or  who  wrote  "Hamlet,"  or  where  the 
Declaration  of  Independence  was  fought,  it  fills  us 
with  a  suspicion  well-nigh  amounting  to  conviction, 
that  that  person  would  not  suspect  us  of  being  so 
empty  of  knowledge  it  he  wasn't  suffering  from  the 
same  "claim"  himself.  Then  we  turn  to  page  20 
of  the  Autobiography  and  happen  upon  this  pas- 
sage, and  that  hasty  suspicion  stands  rebuked: 

I  gained  book-knowledge  with  far  less  labor  than  is  usually 
requisite.    At  ten  years  of  age  I  was  as  familiar  with  Lindley 

il  am  in  some  doubt  as  to  what  a  hassock  is,  but  anyway  it 
sounds  good. — M.  T. 

81 


MARK     TWAIN 

Murray's  Grammar  as  with  the  Westminster  Catechism;  and 
the  latter  I  had  to  repeat  every  Sunday.  My  favorite  studies 
were  Natural  Philosophy,  Logic,  and  Moral  Science.  From 
my  brother  Albert  I  received  lessons  in  the  ancient  tongues, 
Hebrew,  Greek,  and  Latin. 

You  catch  your  breath  in  astonishment,  and  feel 
again  and  still  again  the  pang  of  that  rebuke.  But 
then  your  eye  falls  upon  the  next  sentence  but  one, 
and  the  pain  passes  away  and  you  set  up  the  sus- 
picion again  with  evil  satisfaction: 

After  my  discovery  of  Christian  Science,  most  of  the  knowledge 
I  had  gleaned  from  school-books  vanished  like  a  dream. 

That  disappearance  accounts  for  much  in  her  mis- 
cellaneous writings.  As  I  was  saying,  she  handles 
her  "ancestral  shadows,"  as  she  calls  them,  just  as 
I  do  mine.  It  is  remarkable.  When  she  runs 
across  "a  relative  of  my  Grandfather  Baker,  General 
Henry  Knox,  of  Revolutionary  fame,"  she  sets  him 
down;  when  she  finds  another  good  one,  "the  late 
Sir  John  Macneill,  in  the  line  of  my  Grandfather 
Baker's  family, "  she  sets  him  down,  and  remembers 
that  he  "was  prominent  in  British  politics,  and  at 
one  time  held  the  position  of  ambassador  to  Persia"; 
when  she  discovers  that  her  grandparents  "were  like- 
wise connected  with  Captain  John  Love  well,  whose 
gallant  leadership  and  death  in  the  Indian  troubles 
of  1722-25  caused  that  prolonged  contest  to  be  known 
historically  as  Lovewell's  War,"  she  sets  the  Cap- 
tain down;  when  it  turns  out  that  a  cousin  of  her 
grandmother  "was  John  Macneill,  the  New  Hamp- 
shire general,  who  fought  at  Lundy's  Lane  and  won 

82 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

distinction  in  1814  at  the  battle  of  Chippewa,"  she 
catalogues  the  General.  (And  tells  where  Chip- 
pewa was.)  And  then  she  skips  all  her  platform 
people;  never  mentions  one  of  them.  It  shows 
that  she  is  just  as  human  as  any  of  us. 

Yet,  after  all,  there  is  something  very  touching 
in  her  pride  in  these  worthy  small-fry,  and  some- 
thing large  and  fine  in  her  modesty  in  not  caring  to 
remember  that  their  kinship  to  her  can  confer  no 
distinction  upon  her,  whereas  her  mere  mention  of 
their  names  has  conferred  upon  them  a  fadeless 
earthly  immortality. 


CHAPTER  II 

WHEN  she  wrote  this  little  biography  her  great 
life-work  had  already  been  achieved,  she  was 
become  renowned;  to  multitudes  of  reverent  dis- 
ciples she  was  a  sacred  personage,  a  familiar  of  God, 
and  His  inspired  channel  of  communication  with  the 
human  race.  Also,  to  them  these  following  things 
were  facts,  and  not  doubted: 

She  had  written  a  Bible  in  middle  age,  and  had 
published  it ;  she  had  recast  it,  enlarged  it,  and  pub- 
lished it  again;  she  had  not  stopped  there,  but  had 
enlarged  it  further,  polished  its  phrasing,  improved 
its  form,  and  published  it  yet  again.  It  was  at  last 
become  a  compact,  grammatical,  dignified,  and  work- 
man-like body  of  literature.  This  was  good  train- 
ing, persistent  training;  and  in  all  arts  it  is  train- 
ing that  brings  the  art  to  perfection.  We  are  now 
confronted  with  one  of  the  most  teasing  and  baffling 
riddles  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  history — a  riddle  which  may 
be  formulated  thus: 

How  is  it  that  a  primitive  literary  gun  which  be- 
gan as  a  hundred-yard  flintlock  smooth-bore  muzzle- 
loader,  and  in  the  course  of  forty  years  has  acquired 
one  notable  improvement  after  another — percussion 
cap;  fixed  cartridge;  rifled  barrel;  efficiency  at  half 
a  mile — how  is  it  that  such  a  gun,  sufficiently  good 
on  an  elephant-hunt   (Christian  Science)  from  the 

84 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

beginning,  and  growing  better  and  better  all  the 
time  during  forty  years,  has  always  collapsed  back  to 
its  original  flintlock  estate  the  moment  the  huntress 
trained  it  on  any  other  creature  than  an  elephant  ? 

Something  more  than  a  generation  ago  Mrs. 
Eddy  went  out  with  her  flintlock  on  the  rabbit- 
range,  and  this  was  a  part  of  the  result: 

After  his  decease,  and  a  severe  casualty  deemed  fatal  by- 
skilful  physicians,  we  discovered  that  the  Principle  of  all  healing 
and  the  law  that  governs  it  is  God,  a  divine  Principle,  and  a 
spiritual  not  material  law,  and  regained  health.  —  Preface  to 
Science  and  Health,  first  revision,  1883. 

N.B.  Not  from  the  book  itself;  from  the  Preface. 

You  will  notice  the  awkwardness  of  that  English. 
If  you  should  carry  that  paragraph  up  to  the  Supreme 
Court  of  the  United  States  in  order  to  find  out  for 
good  and  all  whether  the  fatal  casualty  happened  to 
the  dead  man — as  the  paragraph  almost  asserts — 
or  to  some  person  or  persons  not  even  hinted  at  in  the 
paragraph,  the  Supreme  Court  would  be  obliged  to 
say  that  the  evidence  established  nothing  with 
certainty  except  that  there  had  been  a  casualty — 
victim  not  known. 

The  context  thinks  it  explains  who  the  victim  was, 
but  it  does  nothing  of  the  kind.  It  furnishes  some 
guessing-material  of  a  sort  which  enables  you  to 
infer  that  it  was  "we"  that  suffered  the  mentioned 
injury,  but  if  you  should  carry  the  language  to  a 
court  you  would  not  be  able  to  prove  that  it  neces- 
sarily meant  that.  "We"  are  Mrs.  Eddy;  a  funny 
little  affectation.  She  replaced  it  later  with  the 
more  dignified  third  person. 

85 


MARK    TWAIN 

The  quoted  paragraph  is  from  Mrs.  Eddy's  preface 
to  the  first  revision  of  Science  and  Health  (1883). 
Sixty-four  pages  further  along — in  the  body  of  the 
book  (the  elephant-range),  she  went  out  with 'that 
same  flintlock  and  got  this  following  result.  Its 
English  is  very  nearly  as  straight  and  clean  and 
competent  as  is  the  English  of  the  latest  revision  of 
Science  and  Health  after  the  gun  has  been  improved 
from  smooth-bore  musket  up  to  globe-sighted,  long- 
distance rifle: 

Man  controlled  by  his  Maker  has  no  physical  suffering. 
His  body  is  harmonious,  his  days  are  multiplying  instead  of 
diminishing,  he  is  journeying  toward  Life  instead  of  death,  and 
bringing  out  the  new  man  and  crucifying  the  old  affections, 
cutting  them  off  in  every  material  direction  until  he  learns  the 
utter  supremacy  of  Spirit  and  yields  obedience  thereto. 

In  the  latest  revision  of  Science  and  Health  (1902), 
the  perfected  gun  furnishes  the  following.  The 
English  is  clean,  compact,  dignified,  almost  perfect. 
But  it  is  observable  that  it  is  not  prominently  better 
than  it  is  in  the  above  paragraph,  which  was  a  prod- 
uct of  the  primitive  flintlock: 

How  unreasonable  is  the  belief  that  we  are  wearing  out  life 
and  hastening  to  death,  and  at  the  same  time  we  are  com- 
muning with  immortality?  If  the  departed  are  in  rapport  with 
mortality,  or  matter,  they  are  not  spiritual,  but  must  still  be 
mortal,  sinful,  suffering,  and  dying.  Then  wherefore  look  to 
them — even  were  communication  possible — for  proofs  of  immor- 
tality and  accept  them  as  oracles? — Edition  of  1902,  page  78. 

With  the  above  paragraphs  compare  these  that 
follow.  It  is  Mrs.  Eddy  writing — after  a  good  long 
twenty  years  of  pen-practice.     Compare  also  with 

86 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

the  alleged  Poems  already  quoted.  The  prominent 
characteristic  of  the  Poems  is  affectation,  artificiality; 
their  make-up  is  a  complacent  and  pretentious  out- 
pour of  false  figures  and  fine  writing,  in  the  sopho- 
moric  style.  The  same  qualities  and  the  same  style 
will  be  found,  unchanged,  unbettered,  in  these 
following  paragraphs — after  a  lapse  of  more  than 
fifty  years,  and  after — as  aforesaid — long  literary 
training.     The  italics  are  mine: 

i.  "What  plague  spot  or  bacilli  were  [sic]  gnawing  [sic\  at  the 
heart  of  this  metropolis  .  .  .  and  bringing  it  [the  heart]  on 
bended  knee?  Why,  it  was  an  institute  that  had  entered  its 
vitals — that,  among  other  things,  taught  games,"  et  cetera. — 
C.  S.  Journal,  p.  670,  article  entitled  "A  Narrative — by  Mary 
Baker  G.  Eddy." 

2.  "Parks  sprang  up  [sic]  .  .  .  electric  cars  run  [sic]  merrily 
through  several  streets,  concrete  sidewalks  and  macadamized 
roads  dotted  [sic]  the  place,"  et  cetera. — Ibid. 

3.  "Shorn  [sic]  of  its  suburbs  it  had  indeed  little  left  to 
admire,  save  to  [sic]  such  as  fancy  a  skeleton  above-ground 
breathing  [sic]  slowly  through  a  barren  [sic]  breast." — Ibid. 

This  is  not  English — I  mean,  grown-up  English. 
But  it  is  fifteen-year-old  English,  and  has  not 
grown  a  month  since  the  same  mind  produced  the 
Poems.  The  standard  of  the  Poems  and  of  the 
plague-spot-and-bacilli  effort  is  exactly  the  same. 
It  is  most  strange  that  the  same  intellect  that 
worded  the  simple  and  self-contained  and  clean-cut 
paragraph  beginning  with  ' '  How  unreasonable  is  the 
belief,"  should  in  the  very  same  lustrum  discharge 
upon  the  world  such  a  verbal  chaos  as  the  utterance 
concerning  that  plague-spot  or  bacilli  which  were 
gnawing  at  the  insides  of  the  metropolis  and  bringing 

87 


MARK     TWAIN 

its  heart  on  bended  knee,  thus  exposing  to  the  eye 
the  rest  of  the  skeleton  breathing  slowly  through  a 
barren  breast. 

The  immense  contrast  between  the  legitimate 
English  of  Science  and  Health  and  the  bastard 
English  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  miscellaneous  work,  and  be- 
tween the  maturity  of  the  one  diction  and  the 
juvenility  of  the  other,  suggests — compels — the  ques- 
tion, Are  there  two  guns?  It  would  seem  so.  Is 
there  a  poor,  foolish,  old,  scattering  flintlock  for 
rabbit,  and  a  long-range,  center-driving,  up-to-date 
Mauser-magazine  for  elephant?  It  looks  like  it. 
For  it  is  observable  that  in  Science  and  Health  (the 
elephant-ground)  the  practice  was  good  at  the  start 
and  has  remained  so,  and  that  the  practice  in  the 
miscellaneous,  outside,  small-game  field  was  very 
bad  at  the  start  and  was  never  less  bad  at  any  later 
time. 

I  wish  to  say  that  of  Mrs.  Eddy  I  am  not  requiring 
perfect  English,  but  only  good  English.  No  one  can 
write  perfect  English  and  keep  it  up  through  a 
stretch  of  ten  chapters.  It  has  never  been  done. 
It  was  approached  in  the  "well  of  English  un- 
defiled,';  it  has  been  approached  in  Mrs.  Eddy's 
Annex  to  that  Book;  it  has  been  approached  in 
several  English  grammars;  I  have  even  approached 
it  myself;  but  none  of  us  has  made  port. 

Now,  the  English  of  Science  and  Health  is  good. 
In  passages  to  be  found  in  Mrs.  Eddy's  Autobiography 
(on  pages  53,  57,  101,  and  113),  and  on  page  6  of  her 
squalid  preface  to  Science  and  Health,  first  revision, 
she  seems  to  me  to  claim  the  whole  and  sole  author- 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

ship  of  the  book.  That  she  wrote  the  Autobiography, 
and  that  preface,1  and  the  Poems,  and  the  Plague- 
spot- Bacilli,  we  are  not  permitted  to  doubt.  Indeed, 
we  know  she  wrote  them.  But  the  very  certainty 
that  she  wrote  these  things  compels  a  doubt  that  she 
wrote  Science  and  Health.  She  is  guilty  of  little 
awkwardnesses  of  expression  in  the  Autobiography 
which  a  practised  pen  would  hardly  allow  to  go  un- 
corrected in  even  a  hasty  private  letter,  and  could 
not  dream  of  passing  by  uncorrected  in  passages 
intended  for  print.  But  she  passes  them  placidly 
by;  as  placidly  as  if  she  did  not  suspect  that  they 
were  offenses  against  third-class  English.  I  think 
that  that  placidity  was  born  of  that  very  unaware- 
ness,  so  to  speak.  I  will  cite  a  few  instances  from 
the  Autobiography.     The  italics  are  mine: 

I  remember  reading  in  my  childhood  certain  manuscripts 
containing  Scriptural  Sonnets,  besides  other  verses  and  enigmas 
[etc.].     [Page  7.] 

[On  page  27.]  Many  pale  cripples  went  into  the  Church 
leaning  on  crutches  who  came  out  carrying  them  on  their 
shoulders. 

It  is  awkward,  because  at  the  first  glance  it  seems 
to  say  that  the  cripples  went  in  leaning  on  crutches 
which  went  out  carrying  the  cripples  on  their  shoul- 
ders. It  would  have  cost  her  no  trouble  to  put  her 
"who"  after  her  "cripples."  I  blame  her  a  little; 
I  think  her  proof-reader  should  have  been  shot.  We 
may  let  her  capital  C  pass,  but  it  is  another  awk- 
wardness, for  she  is  talking  about  a  building,  not 
about  a  religious  society. 

1  See  Appendix  A  for  it. — M.  T. 

7  89 


MARK    TWAIN 

"Marriage  and  Parentage"  [Chapter-heading. 
Page  30.]  You  imagine  that  she  is  going  to  begin  a 
talk  about  her  marriage  and  finish  with  some  account 
of  her  father  and  mother.  And  so  you  will  be 
deceived.  ' '  Marriage  "  was  right,  but  ' '  Parentage  " 
was  not  the  best  word  for  the  rest  of  the  record. 
It  refers  to  the  birth  of  her  own  child.  After  a 
certain  period  of  time  "my  babe  was  born."  Mar-, 
riage  and  Motherhood — Marriage  and  Maternity — 
Marriage  and  Product — Marriage  and  Dividend — 
either  of  these  would  have  fitted  the  facts  and  made 
the  matter  clear. 

Without  my  knowledge  he  was  appointed  a  guardian. 
[Page  32.] 

She  is  speaking  of  her  child.  She  means  that  a 
guardian  for  her  child  was  appointed,  but  that  isn't 
what  she  says. 

If  spiritual  conclusions  are  separated  from  their  premises, 
the  nexus  is  lost,  and  the  argument  with  its  rightful  conclusions, 
becomes  correspondingly  obscure.     [Page  34.] 

We  shall  never  know  why  she  put  the  word 
"correspondingly"  in  there.  Any  fine,  large  word 
would  have  answered  just  as  well:  psychosuperin- 
tangibly — electroincandescently —  oligarcheologically 
— sanchrosynchrostereoptically — any  of  these  would 
have  answered,  any  of  these  would  have  filled  the  void. 

His  spiritual  noumenon  and  phenomenon  silenced  portrai- 
ture.   [Page  34.] 

Yet  she  says  she  forgot  everything  she  knew, 
"when  she  discovered  Christian  Science.     I  realize 

90 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

that  noumenon  is  a  daisy;  and  I  will  not  deny  that 
I  shall  use  it  whenever  I  am  in  a  company  which  I 
think  I  can  embarrass  with  it;  but,  at  the  same  time, 
I  think  it  is  out  of  place  among  friends  in  an  auto- 
biography. There,  I  think  a  person  ought  not  to 
have  anything  up  his  sleeve.  It  undermines  con- 
fidence. But  my  dissatisfaction  with  the  quoted 
passage  is  not  on  account  of  noumenon;  it  is  on 
account  of  the  misuse  of  the  word  "  silenced. "  You 
cannot  silence  portraiture  with  a  noumenon;  if 
portraiture  should  make  a  noise,  a  way  could  be 
found  to  silence  it,  but  even  then  it  could  not  be 
done  with  a  noumenon.  Not  even  with  a  brick, 
some  authorities  think. 

It  may  be  that  the  mortal  life-battle  still  wages  [etc.].  [Page  35.] 

That  is  clumsy.  Battles  do  not  wage,  battles  are 
waged.  Mrs.  Eddy  has  one  very  curious  and  inter- 
esting peculiarity:  whenever  she  notices  that  she  is 
chortling  along  without  saying  anything,  she  pulls 
up  with  a  sudden  ''God  is  over  us  all,"  or  some  other 
sounding  irrelevancy,  and  for  the  moment  it  seems 
to  light  up  the  whole  district;  then,  before  you  can 
recover  from  the  shock,  she  goes  flitting  pleasantly 
and  meaninglessly  along  again,  and  you  hurry  hope- 
fully after  her,  thinking  you  are  going  to  get  some- 
thing this  time;  but  as  soon  as  she  has  led  you  far 
enough  away  from  her  turkeylet  she  takes  to  a  tree. 
Whenever  she  discovers  that  she  is  getting  pretty 
disconnected,  she  couples  up  with  an  ostentatious 
"But"  which  has  nothing  to  do  with  anything  that 
went  before  or  is  to  come  after,  then  she  hitches 

91 


MARK     TWAIN 

some  empties  to  the  train — unrelated  verses  from 
the  Bible,  usually — and  streams  out  of  sight  and 
leaves  you  wondering  how  she  did  that  clever  thing. 
For  striking  instances,  see  bottom  paragraph  on 
page  34  and  the  paragraph  on  page  35  of  her  Auto- 
biography. She  has  a  purpose — a  deep  and  dark 
and  artful  purpose — in  what  she  is  saying  in  the 
first  paragraph,  and  you  guess  what  it  is,  but  that  is 
due  to  your  own  talent,  not  hers ;  she  has  made  it  as 
obscure  as  language  could  do  it.  The  other  para- 
graph has  no  meaning  and  no  discoverable  intention. 
It  is  merely  one  of  her  God-over-alls.  I  cannot 
spare  room  for  it  in  this  place.1 

I  beheld  with  ineffable  awe  our  great  Master's  marvelous 
skill  in  demanding  neither  obedience  to  hygienic  laws  nor  [etc.]. 
[Page  41.] 

The  word  is  loosely  chosen — skill.  She  probably 
meant  judgment,  intuition,  penetration,  or  wisdom. 

Naturally,  my  first  jottings  were  but  efforts  to  express  in 
feeble  diction  Truth's  ultimate.     [Page  42.] 

One  understands  what  she  means,  but  she  should 
have  been  able  to  say  what  she  meant — at  any  time 
before  she  discovered  Christian  Science  and  forgot 
everything  she  knew — and  after  it,  too.  If  she  had 
put  "feeble"  in  front  of  " efforts"  and  then  left  out 
"in"  and  "diction,"  she  would  have  scored. 

...  its  written  expression  increases  in  perfection  under  the 
guidance  of  the  great  Master.    [Page  43.] 

It  is  an  error.     Not  even  in  those  advantageous 
circumstances  can  increase  be  added  to  perfection. 
xSee  Appendix  B  for  it.— M.  T. 
92 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Evil  is  not  mastered  by  evil;  it  can  only  be  overcome  with 
Good.  This  brings  out  the  nothingness  of  evil,  and  the  eternal 
Somethingness  vindicates  the  Divine  Principle  and  improves 
the  race  of  Adam.     [Page  76.] 

This  is  too  extraneous  for  me.  That  is  the 
trouble  with  Mrs.  Eddy  when  she  sets  out  to  explain 
an  over-large  exhibit:  the  minute  you  think  the 
light  is  bursting  upon  you  the  candle  goes  out  and 
your  mind  begins  to  wander. 

No  one  else  can  drain  the  cup  which  I  have  drank  to  the 
dregs,  as  the  discoverer  and  teacher  of  Christian  Science. 
[Page  47.] 

That  is  saying  we  cannot  empty  an  empty  cup. 
We  knew  it  before;  and  we  know  she  meant  to  tell 
us  that  that  particular  cup  is  going  to  remain  empty. 
That  is,  we  think  that  that  was  the  idea,  but  we 
cannot  be  sure.  She  has  a  perfectly  astonishing 
talent  for  putting  words  together  in  such  a  way  as 
to  make  successful  inquiry  into  their  intention  im- 
possible. 

She  generally  makes  us  uneasy  when  she  begins 
to  tune  up  on  her  fine- writing  timbrel.  It  carries 
me  back  to  her  Plague-Spot  and  Poetry  days,  and 
I  just  dread  those: 

Into  mortal  mind's  material  obliquity  I  gazed  and  stood 
abashed.  Blanched  was  the  cheek  of  pride.  My  heart  bent  low 
before  the  omnipotence  of  Spirit,  and  a  tint  of  humility  soft  as 
the  heart  of  a  moonbeam  mantled  the  earth.  Bethlehem  and 
Bethany,  Gethsemane  and  Calvary,  spoke  to  my  chastened 
sense  as  by  the  tearful  lips  of  a  babe.    [Page  48.] 

The  heart  of  a  moonbeam  is  a  pretty  enough 
Friendship's-Album  expression — let  it  pass,  though 

93 


MARK    TWAIN 

I  do  think  the  figure  a  little  strained;  but  humility 
has  no  tint,  humility  has  no  complexion,  and  if  it 
had  it  could  not  mantle  the  earth.  A  moonbeam 
might — I  do  not  know — but  she  did  not  say  it  was 
the  moonbeam.  But  let  it  go,  I  cannot  decide  it, 
she  mixes  me  up  so.  A  babe  hasn't  "tearful  lips," 
it's  its  eyes.  You  find  none  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  kind  of 
English  in  Science  and  Health — not  a  line  of  it. 


CHAPTER  III 

SETTING  aside  title-page,  index,  etc.,  the  little 
Autobiography  begins  on  page  7  and  ends  on 
page  130.  My  quotations  are  from  the  first  forty- 
pages.  They  seem  to  me  to  prove  the  presence  of 
the  'prentice  hand.  The  style  of  the  forty  pages 
is  loose  and  feeble  and  'prentice-like.  The  movement 
of  the  narrative  is  not  orderly  and  sequential,  but 
rambles  around,  and  skips  forward  and  back  and 
here  and  there  and  yonder,  'prentice-fashion.  Many 
a  journeyman  has  broken  up  his  narrative  and 
skipped  about  and  rambled  around,  but  he  did  it  for 
a  purpose,  for  an  advantage;  there  was  art  in  it, 
and  points  to  be  scored  by  it;  the  observant  reader 
perceived  the  game,  and  enjoyed  it  and  respected 
it,  if  it  was  well  played.  But  Mrs.  Eddy's  perform- 
ance was  without  intention,  and  destitute  of  art. 
She  could  score  no  points  by  it  on  those  terms,  and 
almost  any  reader  can  see  that  her  work  was  the 
uncalculated  puttering  of  a  novice. 

In  the  above  paragraph  I  have  described  the  first 
third  of  the  booklet.  That  third  being  completed, 
Mrs.  Eddy  leaves  the  rabbit-range,  crosses  the 
frontier,  and  steps  out  upon  her  far-spreading  big- 
game  territory — Christian  Science — and  there  is  an 
instant  change!     The  style  smartly  improves,  and 

95 


MARK     TWAIN 

the  clumsy  little  technical  offenses  disappear.  In 
these  two-thirds  of  the  booklet  I  find  only  one  such 
offense,  and  it  has  the  look  of  being  a  printer's  error. 

I  leave  the  riddle  with  the  reader.  Perhaps  he 
can  explain  how  it  is  that  a  person — trained  or  un- 
trained— who  on  the  one  day  can  write  nothing  bet- 
ter than  Plague-Spot-Bacilli  and  feeble  and  stum- 
bling and  wandering  personal  history  littered  with 
false  figures  and  obscurities  and  technical  blunders, 
can  on  the  next  day  sit  down  and  write  fluently, 
smoothly,  compactly,  capably,  and  confidently  on  a 
great  big  thundering  subject,  and  do  it  as  easily  and 
comfortably  as  a  whale  paddles  around  the  globe. 

As  for  me,  I  have  scribbled  so  much  in  fifty  years 
that  I  have  become  saturated  with  convictions  of  one 
sort  and  another  concerning  a  scribbler's  limitations ; 
and  these  are  so  strong  that  when  I  am  familiar  with 
a  literary  person's  work  I  feel  perfectly  sure  that  I 
know  enough  about  his  limitations  to  know  what  he 
can  not  do.  If  Mr.  Howells  should  pretend  to  me 
that  he  wrote  the  Plague-Spot-Bacilli  rhapsody,  I 
should  receive  the  statement  courteously,  but  I 
should  know  it  for  a — well,  for  a  perversion.  If  the 
late  Josh  Billings  should  rise  up  and  tell  me  that  he 
wrote  Herbert  Spencer's  philosophies,  I  should  an- 
swer and  say  that  the  spelling  casts  a  doubt  upon 
his  claim.  If  the  late  Jonathan  Edwards  should  rise 
up  and  tell  me  he  wrote  Mr.  Dooley's  books,  I  should 
answer  and  say  that  the  marked  difference  between 
his  style  and  Dooley's  is  argument  against  the 
soundness  of  his  statement.  You  see  how  much  I 
think  of  circumstantial  evidence.     In  literary  matters 

96 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

— in  my  belief — it  is  often  better  than  any  person's 
word,  better  than  any  shady  character's  oath.  It 
is  difficult  for  me  to  believe  that  the  same  hand  that 
wrote  the  Plague-Spot- Bacilli  and  the  first  third  of 
the  little  Eddy  biography  wrote  also  Science  and 
Health.  Indeed,  it  is  more  than  difficult,  it  is  im- 
possible. 

Largely  speaking,  I  have  read  acres  of  what  pur- 
ported to  be  Mrs.  Eddy's  writings,  in  the  past  two 
months.  I  cannot  know,  but  I  am  convinced,  that 
the  circumstantial  evidence  shows  that  her  actual 
share  in  the  work  of  composing  and  phrasing  these 
things  was  so  slight  as  to  be  inconsequential.  Where 
she  puts  her  literary  foot  down,  her  trail  across  her 
paid  polisher's  page  is  as  plain  as  the  elephant's  in 
a  Sunday-school  procession.  Her  verbal  output, 
when  left  undoctored  by  her  clerks,  is  quite  un- 
mistakable. It  always  exhibits  the  strongly  dis- 
tinctive features  observable  in  the  virgin  passages 
from  her  pen  already  quoted  by  me: 

Desert  vacancy,  as  regards  thought. 

Self-complacency. 

Puerility. 

Sentimentality. 

Affectations  of  scholarly  learning. 

Lust  after  eloquent  and  flowery  expression. 

Repetition  of  pet  poetic  picturesquenesses. 

Confused  and  wandering  statement. 

Metaphor  gone  insane. 

Meaningless  words,  used  because  they  are  pretty, 
or  showy,  or  unusual. 

Sorrowful  attempts  at  the  epigrammatic. 

97 


MARK    TWAIN 

Destitution  of  originality. 

The  fat  volume  called  Miscellaneous  Writings  of 
Mrs.  Eddy  contains  several  hundred  pages.  Of  the 
five  hundred  and  fifty-four  pages  of  prose  in  it  I 
find  ten  lines,  on  page  319,  to  be  Mrs.  Eddy's; 
also  about  a  page  of  the  preface  or  "Prospectus"; 
also  about  fifteen  pages  scattered  along  through  the 
book.  If  she  wrote  any  of  the  rest  of  the  prose,  it 
was  rewritten  after  her  by  another  hand.  Here  I 
will  insert  two- thirds  of  her  page  of  the  prospectus. 
It  is  evident  that  whenever,  under  the  inspiration 
of  the  Deity,  she  turns  out  a  book,  she  is  always 
allowed  to  do  some  of  the  preface.  I  wonder  why 
that  is?  It  always  mars  the  work.  I  think  it  is 
done  in  humorous  malice.  I  think  the  clerks  like 
to  see  her  give  herself  away.  They  know  she  will, 
her  stock  of  usable  materials  being  limited  and  her 
procedure  in  employing  them  always  the  same, 
substantially.  They  know  that  when  the  initiated 
come  upon  her  first  erudite  allusion,  or  upon  any  one 
of  her  other  stage-properties,  they  can  shut  their 
eyes  and  tell  what  will  follow.  She  usually  throws 
off  an  easy  remark  all  sodden  with  Greek  or  Hebrew 
or  Latin  learning;  she  usually  has  a  person  watching 
for  a  star — she  can  seldom  get  away  from  that  poetic 
idea — sometimes  it  is  a  Chaldee,  sometimes  a  Walk- 
ing Delegate,  sometimes  an  entire  stranger,  but  be 
he  what  he  may,  he  is  generally  there  when  the  train 
is  ready  to  move,  and  has  his  pass  in  his  hat-band; 
she  generally  has  a  Being  with  a  Dome  on  him,  or 
some  other  cover  that  is  unusual  and  out  of  the 
fashion*  she  likes  to  fire  off  a  Scripture  verse  where 

98 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

it  will  make  the  handsomest  noise  and  come  nearest 
to  breaking  the  connection;  she  often  throws  out  a 
Forefelt,  or  a  Foresplendor,  or  a  Foreslander  where 
it  will  have  a  fine  nautical  fore  to 'gallant  sound  and 
make  the  sentence  sing ;  after  which  she  is  nearly  sure 
to  throw  discretion  away  and  take  to  her  deadly 
passion,  Intoxicated  Metaphor.  At  such  a  time  the 
Mrs.  Eddy  that  does  not  hesitate  is  lost: 

The  ancient  Greek  looked  longingly  for  the  Olympiad. 
The  Chaldee  watched  the  appearing  of  a  star;  to  him  no  higher 
destiny  dawned  on  the  dome  of  being  than  that  foreshadowed 
by  signs  in  the  heavens.  The  meek  Nazarene,  the  scoffed  of 
all  scoffers,  said,  " Ye  can  discern  the  face  of  the  sky;  but  can  ye 
not  discern  the  signs  of  the  times?" — for  He  forefelt  and  foresaw 
the  ordeal  of  a  perfect  Christianity,  hated  by  sinners. 

To  kindle  all  minds  with  a  gleam  of  gratitude,  the  new 
idea  that  comes  welling  up  from  infinite  Truth  needs  to  be 
understood.    The  seer  of  this  age  should  be  a  sage. 

Humility  is  the  stepping-stone  to  a  higher  recognition  of 
Deity.  The  mounting  sense  gathers  fresh  forms  and  strange 
fire  from  the  ashes  of  dissolving  self,  and  drops  the  world. 
Meekness  heightens  immortal  attributes,  only  by  removing  the 
dust  that  dims  them.  Goodness  reveals  another  scene  and 
another  self  seemingly  rolled  up  in  shades,  but  brought  to  light 
by  the  evolutions  of  advancing  thought,  whereby  we  discern 
the  power  of  Truth  and  Love  to  heal  the  sick. 

Pride  is  ignorance;  those  assume  most  who  have  the  least 
wisdom  or  experience;  and  they  steal  from  their  neighbor,  because 
they  have  so  little  of  their  own. — Miscellaneous  Writings,  page  i, 
and  six  lines  at  top  of  page  2. 

It  is  not  believable  that  the  hand  that  wrote  those 
clumsy  and  affected  sentences  wrote  the  smooth 
English  of  Science  and  Health. 


CHAPTER  IV 

IT  is  often  said  in  print  that  Mrs.  Eddy  claims 
that  God  was  the  author  of  Science  and  Health. 
Mr.  Peabody  states  in  his  pamphlet  that  "she  says 
not  she  but  God  was  the  Author."  I  cannot  find 
that  in  her  autobiography  she  makes  this  trans- 
ference of  the  authorship,  but  I  think  that  in  it  she 
definitely  claims  that  she  did  her  work  under  His 
inspiration — definitely  for  her;  for  as  a  rule  she  is 
not  a  very  definite  person,  even  when  she  seems  to 
be  trying  her  best  to  be  clear  and  positive.  Speak- 
ing of  the  early  days  when  her  Science  was  beginning 
to  unfold  itself  and  gather  form  in  her  mind,  she  says 
(Autobiography,  page  43) : 

The  divine  hand  led  me  into  a  new  world  of  light  and 
Life,  a  fresh  universe — old  to  God,  but  new  to  His  "  little  one. " 

She  being  His  little  one,  as  I  understand  it. 

The  divine  hand  led  her.  It  seems  to  mean  ' '  God 
inspired  me";  but  when  a  person  uses  metaphors 
instead  of  statistics — and  that  is  Mrs.  Eddy's  com- 
mon fashion — one  cannot  always  feel  sure  about  the 
intention. 

[Page  56.]  Even  the  Scripture  gave  no  direct  interpretation 
of  the  Scientific  basis  for  demonstrating  the  spiritual  Principle 
of  healing,  until  our  Heavenly  Father  saw  fit,  through  the 
Key  to  the  Scriptures,  in  Science  and  Health,  to  unlock  this 
"mystery  of  godliness." 

100 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Another  baffling  metaphor.  If  she  had  used  plain 
forecastle  English,  and  said  '  ■  God  wrote  the  Key  and 
I  put  it  in  my  book";  or  if  she  had  said  "God  fur- 
nished me  the  solution  of  the  mystery  and  I  put  it  on 
paper";  or  if  she  had  said  "God  did  it  all,"  then  we 
should  understand;  but  her  phrase  is  open  to  any 
and  all  of  those  translations,  and  is  a  Key  which 
unlocks  nothing — for  us.  However,  it  seems  to  at 
least  mean  "God  inspired  me,"  if  nothing  more. 

There  was  personal  and  intimate  communion, 
at  any  rate — we  get  that  much  out  of  the  riddles. 
The  connection  extended  to  business,  after  the  es- 
tablishment of  the  teaching  and  healing  industry. 

[Page  71 J  "When  God  impelled  me  to  set  a  price  on  my 
instruction,"  etc.  Further  down:  "God  has  since  shown  me,  in 
multitudinous  ways,  the  wisdom  of  this  decision." 

She  was  not  able  to  think  of  a  "financial  equiva- 
lent"— meaning  a  pecuniary  equivalent — for  her 
"instruction  in  Christian  Science  Mind-healing." 
In  this  emergency  she  was  "led"  to  charge  three 
hundred  dollars  for  a  term  of  "twelve  half -days." 
She  does  not  say  who  led  her,  she  only  says  that  the 
amount  greatly  troubled  her.  I  think  it  means  that 
the  price  was  suggested  from  above,  "led"  being  a 
theological  term  identical  with  our  commercial 
phrase  "personally  conducted."  She  "shrank  from 
asking  it,  but  was  finally  led,  by  a  strange  providence, 
to  accept  this  fee."  "Providence"  is  another  theo- 
logical term.  Two  leds  and  a  providence,  taken 
together,  make  a  pretty  strong  argument  for  in- 
spiration.    I  think  that  these  statistics  make  it  clear 

101 


MARK     TWAIN 

that  the  price  Was  arranged  above.  This  view  is 
constructively  supported  by  the  fact,  already  quoted, 
that  God  afterward  approved,  "in  multitudinous 
ways,"  her  wisdom  in  accepting  the  mentioned  fee. 
1  *  Multitudinous  ways ' ' — multitudinous  encoring — 
suggests  enthusiasm.  Business  enthusiasm.  And 
it  suggests  nearness.  God's  nearness  to  His  "little 
one."  Nearness,  and  a  watchful  personal  interest. 
A  warm,  palpitating,  Standard-Oil  interest,  so  to 
speak.  All  this  indicates  inspiration.  We  may  as- 
sume, then,  two  inspirations:  one  for  the  book,  the 
other  for  the  business. 

The  evidence  for  inspiration  is  further  augmented 
by  the  testimony  of  Rev.  George  Tomkins,  D.D., 
already  quoted,  that  Mrs.  Eddy  and  her  book  were 
foretold  in  Revelation,  and  that  Mrs.  Eddy  "is 
God's  brightest  thought  to  this  age,  giving  us  the 
spiritual  interpretation  of  the  Bible  in  the  'little 
book"'  of  the  Angel. 

I  am  aware  that  it  is  not  Mr.  Tomkins  that  is 
speaking,  but  Mrs.  Eddy.  The  commissioned  lec- 
turers of  the  Christian  Science  Church  have  to  be 
members  of  the  Board  of  Lectureship.  (By-laws, 
Sec.  3,  p.  70.)  The  Board  of  Lectureship  is  selected 
by  the  Board  of  Directors  of  the  Church.  (By-laws, 
Sec.  5,  p.  70.)  The  Board  of  Directors  of  the 
Church  is  the  property  of  Mrs.  Eddy.  (By-laws, 
p.  22.)  Mr.  Tomkins  did  not  make  that  statement 
without  authorization  from  headquarters.  He  nec- 
essarily got  it  from  the  Board  of  Directors,  the 
Board  of  Directors  from  Mrs.  Eddy,  Mrs.  Eddy  from 
the  Deity.     Mr.  Tomkins  would  have  been  turned 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

down  by  that  procession  if  his  remarks  had  been 
unsatisfactory  to  it. 

It  may  be  that  there  is  evidence  somewhere — as 
has  been  claimed — that  Mrs.  Eddy  has  charged  upon 
the  Deity  the  verbal  authorship  of  Science  and 
Health.  But  if  she  ever  made  the  charge,  she  has 
withdrawn  it  (as  it  seems  to  me),  and  in  the  most 
formal  and  unqualified  of  all  ways.  See  Auto- 
biography, page  57: 

When  the  demand  for  this  book  increased  .  .  .  the  copy- 
right was  infringed.  I  entered  a  suit  at  Law,  and  my  copyright 
was  protected. 

Thus  it  is  plain  that  she  did  not  plead  that  the 
Deity  was  the  (verbal)  Author;  for  if  she  had  done 
that,  she  would  have  lost  her  case — and  with  rude 
promptness.  It  was  in  the  old  days  before  the  Berne 
Convention  and  before  the  passage  of  our  amended 
law  of  1 89 1,  and  the  court  would  have  quoted  the 
following  stern  clause  from  the  existing  statute  and 
frowned  her  out  of  the  place : 

"No  Foreigner  can  acquire  copyright  in  the 
United  States." 

To  sum  up.  The  evidence  before  me  indicates 
three  things: 

1.  That  Mrs.  Eddy  claims  the  verbal  authorship 
for  herself. 

2.  That  she  denies  it  to  the  Deity. 

3.  That — in  her  belief — she  wrote  the  book  under 
the  inspiration  of  the  Deity,  but  furnished  the  lan- 
guage herself. 

In  one  place  in  the  Autobiography  she  claims  both 

103 


MARK     TWAIN 

the  language  and  the  ideas;  but  when  this  witness  is 
testifying,  one  must  draw  the  line  somewhere,  or  she 
will  prove  both  sides  of  her  case — nine  sides,  if  desired. 
It  is  too  true.  Much  too  true.  Many,  many 
times  too  true.  She  is  a  most  trying  witness — the 
most  trying  witness  that  ever  kissed  the  Book,  I 
am  sure.  There  is  no  keeping  up  with  her  erratic 
testimony.  As  soon  as  you  have  got  her  share  of  the 
authorship  nailed  where  you  half  hope  and  half  be- 
lieve it  will  stay  and  cannot  be  joggled  loose  any 
more,  she  joggles  it  loose  again — or  seems  to;  you 
cannot  be  sure,  for  her  habit  of  dealing  in  meaningless 
metaphors  instead  of  in  plain,  straightforward  sta- 
tistics, makes  it  nearly  always  impossible  to  tell  just 
what  it  is  she  is  trying  to  say.  She  was  definite 
when  she  claimed  both  the  language  and  the  ideas 
of  the  book.  That  seemed  to  settle  the  matter.  It 
seemed  to  distribute  the  percentages  of  credit  with 
precision  between  the  collaborators:  ninety-two  per 
cent,  to  Mrs.  Eddy,  who  did  all  the  work,  and  eight 
per  cent,  to  the  Deity,  who  furnished  the  inspiration 
— not  enough  of  it  to  damage  the  copyright  in  a 
country  closed  against  Foreigners,  and  yet  plenty 
to  advertise  the  book  and  market  it  at  famine  rates. 
Then  Mrs.  Eddy  does  not  keep  still,  but  fetches 
around  and  comes  forward  and  testifies  again.  It 
is  most  injudicious.  For  she  resorts  to  metaphor 
this  time,  and  it  makes  trouble,  for  she  seems  to 
reverse  the  percentages  and  claim  only  the  eight  per 
cent,  for  herself.  I  quote  from  Mr.  Peabody's  book 
(Eddyism,  or  Christian  Science.  Boston:  15  Court 
Square,  price  twenty -five  cents) : 

104 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

Speaking  of  this  book,  Mrs.  Eddy,  in  January  last  (iooi)* 
said:  "I  should  blush  to  write  of  Science  and  Health,  with  Key  to 
the  Scriptures,  as  I  have,  were  it  of  human  origin,  and  I,  apart 
from  God,  its  author;  but  as  I  was  only  a  scribe  echoing  the 
harmonies  of  Heaven  in  divine  metaphysics,  I  cannot  be  super- 
modest  of  the  Christian  Science  text-book." 

Mr.  Peabody's  comment: 

Nothing  could  be  plainer  than  that.  Here  is  a  distinct 
avowal  that  the  book  entitled  Science  and  Health  was  the  work 
of  Almighty  God. 

It  does  seem  to  amount  to  that.  She  was  only  a 
"scribe."  Confound  the  word,  it  is  just  a  confusion, 
it  has  no  determinable  meaning  there,  it  leaves  us  in 
the  air.  A  scribe  is  merely  a  person  who  writes.  He 
may  be  a  copyist,  he  may  be  an  amanuensis,  he  may 
be  a  writer  of  originals,  and  furnish  both  the  language 
and  the  ideas.  As  usual  with  Mrs.  Eddy,  the  con- 
nection affords  no  help — ' 'echoing"  throws  no  light 
upon  "scribe."  A  rock  can  reflect  an  echo,  a  wall 
can  do  it,  a  mountain  can  do  it,  many  things  can  do 
it,  but  a  scribe  can't.  A  scribe  that  could  reflect  an 
echo  could  get  over  thirty  dollars  a  week  in  a  side- 
show. Many  impresarios  would  rather  have  him 
than  a  cow  with  four  tails.  If  we  allow  that  this 
present  scribe  was  setting  down  the  "harmonies  of 
Heaven" — and  certainly  that  seems  to  have  been 
the  case — then  there  was  only  one  way  to  do  it  that 
I  can  think  of:  listen  to  the  music  and  put  down  the 
notes  one  after  another  as  they  fell.  In  that  case 
Mrs.  Eddy  did  not  invent  the  tune,  she  only  entered 
it  on  paper.  Therefore — dropping  the  metaphor — 
she  was  merely  an  amanuensis,  and  furnished  neither 
8  105 


MARK    TWAIN 

the  language  of  Science  and  Health  nor  the  ideas.  It 
reduces  her  to  eight  per  cent,  (and  the  dividends  on 
that  and  the  rest). 

Is  that  it?  We  shall  never  know.  For  Mrs. 
Eddy  is  liable  to  testify  again  at  any  time.  But 
until  she  does  it,  I  think  we  must  conclude  that  the 
Deity  was  Author  of  the  whole  book,  and  Mrs. 
Eddy  merely  His  telephone  and  stenographer. 
Granting  this,  her  claim  as  the  Voice  of  God  stands 
— for  the  present — justified  and  established. 

Postscript 

I  overlooked  something.  It  appears  that  there 
was  more  of  that  utterance  than  Mr.  Peabody  has 
quoted  in  the  above  paragraph.  It  will  be  found  in 
Mrs.  Eddy's  organ,  the  Christian  Science  Journal 
(January,  1901),  and  reads  as  follows: 

It  was  not  myself  .  .  .  which  dictated  Science  and  Health, 
with  Key  to  tlie  Scriptures. 

That  is  certainly  clear  enough.  The  words  which 
I  have  removed  from  that  important  sentence 
explain  Who  it  was  that  did  the  dictating.  It  was 
done  by 

the  divine  power  of  Truth  and  Love,  infinitely  above  me. 

Certainly  that  is  definite.  At  last,  through  her 
personal  testimony,  we  have  a  sure  grip  upon  the 
following  vital  facts,  and  they  settle  the  authorship 
•of  Science  and  Health  beyond  peradventure : 

106 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

i.  Mrs.  Eddy  furnished  "the  ideas  and  the 
language." 

2.  God  furnished  the  ideas  and  the  language. 

It  is  a  great  comfort  to  have  the  matter  authori- 
tatively settled. 


CHAPTER  V 

IT  is  hard  to  locate  her,  she  shifts  about  so  much. 
She  is  a  shining  drop  of  quicksilver  which  you  put 
your  finger  on  and  it  isn't  there.  There  is  a  para- 
graph in  the  Autobiography  (page  96)  which  places 
in  seemingly  darkly  significant  procession  three 
Personages : 

1 .  The  Virgin  Mary. 

2.  Jesus  of  Nazareth. 

3.  Mrs.  Eddy. 

This  is  the  paragraph  referred  to : 

No  person  can  take  the  individual  place  of  the  Virgin  Mary. 
No  person  can  compass  or  fulfil  the  individual  mission  of  Jesus 
of  Nazareth.  No  person  can  take  the  place  of  the  author  of 
Science  and  Health,  the  discoverer  and  founder  of  Christian 
Science.  Each  individual  must  fill  his  own  niche  in  time  and 
eternity. 

I  have  read  it  many  times,  but  I  still  cannot  be 
sure  that  I  rightly  understand  it.  If  the  Saviour's 
name  had  been  placed  first  and  the  Virgin  Mary's 
second  and  Mrs.  Eddy's  third,  I  should  draw  the 
inference  that  a  descending  scale  from  First  Im- 
portance to  Second  Importance  and  then  to  Small 
Importance  was  indicated;  but  to  place  the  Virgin 
first,  the  Saviour  second,  and  Mrs.  Eddy  third, 
seems  to  turn  the  scale  the  other  way  and  make  it 

108 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

an  ascending  scale  of  Importances,  with  Mrs.  Eddy 
ranking  the  other  two  and  holding  first  place. 

I  think  that  that  was  perhaps  the  intention,  but 
none  but  a  seasoned  Christian  Scientist  can  examine 
a  literary  animal  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  creation  and  tell 
which  end  of  it  the  tail  is  on.  She  is  easily  the  most 
baffling  and  bewildering  writer  in  the  literary  trade. 


Eddy  is  a  commonplace  name,  and  would  have  an 
unimpressive  aspect  in  the  list  of  the  reformed  Holy 
Family.  She  has  thought  of  that.  In  the  book  of 
By-laws  written  by  her — "impelled  by  a  power  not 
one's  own" — there  is  a  paragraph  which  explains 
how  and  when  her  disciples  came  to  confer  a  title 
upon  her;  and  this  explanation  is  followed  by  a 
warning  as  to  what  will  happen  to  any  female  Scien- 
tist who  shall  desecrate  it : 

The  title  of  Mother.  Therefore  if  a  student  of  Christian 
Science  shall  apply  this  title,  either  to  herself  or  to  others, 
except  as  the  term  for  kingship  according  to  the  flesh,  it  shall 
be  regarded  by  the  Church  as  an  indication  of  disrespect  for  their 
Pastor  Emeritus,  and  unfitness  to  be  a  member  of  the  Mother 
Church. 

She  is  the  Pastor  Emeritus. 

While  the  quoted  paragraph  about  the  Procession 
seems  to  indicate  that  Mrs.  Eddy  is  expecting  to 
occupy  the  First  Place  in  it,  that  expectation  is  not 
definitely  avowed.  In  an  earlier  utterance  of  hers 
she  is  clearer — clearer,  and  does  not  claim  the  first 
place  all  to  herself,  but  only  the  half  of  it.  I  quote 
from  Mr.  Peabody's  book  again: 

109 


MARK    TWAIN 

In  the  Christian  Science  Journal  for  April,  1889,  when  it 
was  her  property,  and  published  by  her,  it  was  claimed  for  her, 
and  with  her  sanction,  that  she  was  equal  with  Jesus,  and  elabo- 
rate effort  was  made  to  establish  the  claim. 

Mrs.  Eddy  has  distinctly  authorized  the  claim  in  her  be- 
half that  she  herself  was  the  chosen  successor  to  and  equal 
of  Jesus. 

In  her  Miscellaneous  Writings  (using  her  once 
favorite  "We"  for  "I")  she  says  that  "While  we 
entertain  decided  views  .  .  .  and  shall  express  them  as 
duty  demands,  we  shall  claim  no  especial  gift  from 
our  divine  origin/ '  etc. 

Our  divine  origin.  It  suggests  Equal  again.  It 
is  inferable,  then,  that  in  the  near  by  and  by  the  new 
Church  will  officially  rank  the  Holy  Family  in  the 
following  order: 

1.  Jesus  of  Nazareth. — 1.  Our  Mother. 

2.  The  Virgin  Mary. 

Summary 

I  am  not  playing  with  Christian  Science  and  its 
founder,  I  am  examining  them;  and  I  am  doing  it 
because  of  the  interest  I  feel  in  the  inquiry.  My 
results  may  seem  inadequate  to  the  reader,  but 
they  have  for  me  clarified  a  muddle  and  brought  a 
sort  of  order  out  of  a  chaos,  and  so  I  value  them. 

My  readings  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  uninspired  miscel- 
laneous literary  efforts  have  convinced  me  of  several 
things : 

1.  That  she  did  not  write  Science  and  Health. 

2.  That  the  Deity  did  (or  did  not)  write  it. 

3.  That  She  thinks  She  wrote  it. 

no 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

4.  That    She   believes   She   wrote   it   under   the 
Deity's  inspiration. 

5.  That  She  believes  She  is  a  Member  of  the  Holy 
Family. 

6.  That  She  believes  She  is  the  equal  of  the  Head 
of  it. 

Finally,  I  think  She  is  now  entitled  to  the  capital  S 
— on  her  own  evidence. 


CHAPTER  VI 

THUS  far  we  have  a  part  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  por- 
trait. Not  made  of  fictions,  surmises,  reports, 
rumors,  innuendoes,  dropped  by  her  enemies;  no, 
she  has  furnished  all  of  the  materials  herself,  and 
laid  them  on  the  canvas,  under  my  general  superin- 
tendence and  direction.  As  far  as  she  has  gone 
with  it,  it  is  the  presentation  of  a  complacent,  com- 
monplace, illiterate  New  England  woman  who 
"forgot  everything  she  knew"  when  she  discovered 
her  discovery,  then  wrote  a  Bible  in  good  English 
under  the  inspiration  of  God,  and  climbed  up  it  to  the 
supremest  summit  of  earthly  grandeur  attainable 
by  man — where  she  sits  serene  to-day,  beloved  and 
worshiped  by  a  multitude  of  human  beings  of  as 
good  average  intelligence  as  is  possessed  by  those 
that  march  under  the  banner  of  any  competing  cult. 
This  is  not  intended  to  flatter  the  competing  cults, 
it  is  merely  a  statement  of  cold  fact. 

That  a  commonplace  person  should  go  climbing 
aloft  and  become  a  god  or  a  half -god  or  a  quarter-god 
and  be  worshiped  by  men  and  women  of  average 
intelligence,  is  nothing.  It  has  happened  a  million 
times,  it  will  happen  a  hundred  million  more.  It 
has  been  millions  of  years  since  the  first  of  these 
supernaturals  appeared,  and  by  the  time  the  last 

112 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

^ne — in  that  inconceivably  remote  future — shall 
have  performed  his  solemn  little  high- jinks  on  the 
stage  and  closed  the  business,  there  will  be  enough  of 
them  accumulated  in  the  museum  on  the  Other  Side 
to  start  a  heaven  of  their  own — and  jam  it. 

Each  in  his  turn  those  little  supernaturals  of 
our  bygone  ages  and  aeons  joined  the  monster  pro- 
cession of  his  predecessors  and  marched  horizon  ward, 
disappeared,  and  was  forgotten.  They  changed 
nothing,  they  built  nothing,  they  left  nothing  behind 
them  to  remember  them  by,  nothing  to  hold  their 
disciples  together,  nothing  to  solidify  their  work  and 
enable  it  to  defy  the  assaults  of  time  and  the  weather. 
They  passed,  and  left  a  vacancy.  They  made  one 
fatal  mistake;  they  all  made  it,  each  in  his  turn: 
they  failed  to  organize  their  forces,  they  failed 
to  centralize  their  strength,  they  failed  to  provide 
a  fresh  Bible  and  a  sure  and  perpetual  cash  income 
for  business,  and  often  they  failed  to  provide  a  new 
and  accepted  Divine  Personage  to  worship. 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  not  of  that  small  fry.  The  materials 
that  go  to  the  making  of  the  rest  of  her  portrait  will 
prove  it.     She  will  furnish  them  herself: 

She  published  her  book.  She  copyrighted  it. 
She  copyrights  everything.  If  she  should  say, 
"Good  morning;  how  do  you  do?"  she  would  copy- 
right it;  for  she  is  a  careful  person,  and  knows  the 
value  of  small  things. 

She  began  to  teach  her  Science,  she  began  to  heal, 
she  began  to  gather  converts  to  her  new  religion — 
fervent,  sincere,  devoted,  grateful  people.     A  year 

113 


MARK     TWAIN 

or  two  later  she  organized  her  first  Christian  Science 
"Association,"  with  six  of  her  disciples  on  the  roster. 

She  continued  to  teach  and  heal.  She  was  charg- 
ing nothing,  she  says,  although  she  was  very  poor. 
She  taught  and  healed  gratis  four  years  altogether, 
she  says. 

Then,  in  1879-81,  she  was  become  strong  enough, 
and  well  enough  established,  to  venture  a  couple 
of  impressively  important  moves.  The  first  of 
these  moves  was  to  aggrandize  the  "Association" 
to  a  "Church"  Brave?  It  is  the  right  name  for 
it,  I  think.  The  former  name  suggests  nothing,  in- 
vited no  remark,  no  criticism,  no  inquiry,  no  hostility ; 
the  new  name  invited  them  all.  She  must  have  made 
this  intrepid  venture  on  her  own  motion.  She  could 
have  had  no  important  advisers  at  that  early  day. 
If  we  accept  it  as  her  own  idea  and  her  own  act — 
and  I  think  we  must — we  have  one  key  to  her  char- 
acter. And  it  will  explain  subsequent  acts  of  hers 
that  would  merely  stun  us  and  stupefy  us  without 
it.  Shall  we  call  it  courage?  Or  shall  we  call  it 
recklessness?  Courage  observes;  reflects;  calcu- 
lates; surveys  the  whole  situation;  counts  the  cost, 
estimates  the  odds,  makes  up  its  mind;  then  goes 
at  the  enterprise  resolute  to  win  or  perish.  Reck- 
lessness does  not  reflect,  it  plunges  fearlessly  in  with 
a  hurrah,  and  takes  the  risks,  whatever  they  may 
be,  regardless  of  expense.  Recklessness  often  fails, 
Mrs.  Eddy  has  never  failed — from  the  point  of  view 
of  her  followers.  The  point  of  view  of  other  people 
is  naturally  not  a  matter  of  weighty  importance  to 
her. 

114 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  new  Church  was  not  born  loose-jointed  and 
featureless,  but  had  a  denned  plan,  a  definite  char- 
acter, definite  aims,  and  a  name  which  was  a  chal- 
lenge, and  defied  all  comers.  It  was  "a  Mind- 
healing  Church."  It  was  "without  a  creed.1*  Its 
name,  "The  Church  of  Christ,  Scientist.' ' 

Mrs.  Eddy  could  not  copyright  her  Church,  but 
she  chartered  it,  which  was  the  same  thing  and  re- 
lieved the  pain.  It  had  twenty-six  charter  members. 
Mrs.  Eddy  was  at  once  installed  as  its  pastor. 

The  other  venture,  above  referred  to,  was  Mrs. 
Eddy's  Massachusetts  Metaphysical  College,  in 
which  was  taught  "the  pathology  of  spiritual  power." 
She  could  not  copyright  it,  but  she  got  it  chartered. 
For  faculty  it  had  herself,  her  husband  of  the  period 
(Dr.  Eddy),  and  her  adopted  son,  Dr.  Foster-Eddy. 
The  college  term  was  "barely  three  weeks,"  she  says. 
Again  she  was  bold,  brave,  rash,  reckless — choose  for 
yourself — for  she  not  only  began  to  charge  the  stu- 
dent, but  charged  him  a  hundred  dollars  a  week  for 
the  enlightenments.  And  got  it?  some  may  ask. 
Easily.  Pupils  flocked  from  far  and  near.  They 
came  by  the  hundred.  Presently  the  term  was  cut 
down  nearly  half,  but  the  price  remained  as  before. 
To  be  exact,  the  term-cut  was  to  seven  lessons — 
price,  three  hundred  dollars.  The  college  "yielded 
a  large  income."  This  is  believable.  In  seven 
years  Mrs.  Eddy  taught,  as  she  avers,  over  four 
thousand  students  in  it.  (Preface  to  1902  edition 
of  Science  and  Health.)  Three  hundred  times  four 
thousand  is — but  perhaps  you  can  cipher  it  yourself. 
I  could  do  it  ordinarily,  but  I  fell  down  yesterday 

«5 


MARK     TWAIN 

and  hurt  my  leg.  Cipher  it;  you  will  see  that  it  is 
a  grand  sum  for  a  woman  to  earn  in  seven  years. 
Yet  that  was  not  all  she  got  out  of  her  college  in  the 
seven. 

At  the  time  that  she  was  charging  the  primary 
student  three  hundred  dollars  for  twelve  lessons 
she  was  not  content  with  this  tidy  assessment,  but 
had  other  ways  of  plundering  him.  By  advertise- 
ment she  offered  him  privileges  whereby  he  could 
add  eighteen  lessons  to  his  store  for  five  hundred  dol- 
lars more.  That  is  to  say,  he  could  get  a  total  of 
thirty  lessons  in  her  college  for  eight  hundred 
dollars. 

Four  thousand  times  eight  hundred  is — but  it  is  a 
difficult  sum  for  a  cripple  who  has  not  been  "dem- 
onstrated over"  to  cipher;  let  it  go.  She  taught 
"over"  four  thousand  students  in  seven  years. 
"Over"  is  not  definite,  but  it  probably  represents  a 
non-paying  surplus  of  learners  over  and  above  the 
paying  four  thousand.  Charity  students,  doubtless. 
I  think  that  as  interesting  an  advertisement  as  has 
been  printed  since  the  romantic  old  days  of  the  other 
bucaneers  is  this  one  from  the  Christian  Science 
Journal  for  September,  1886: 

MASSACHUSETTS  METAPHYSICAL  COLLEGE 

REV.  MARY  BAKER  G.  EDDY,  PRESDDENT 

571  Columbus  Avenue,  Boston 

The  collegiate  course  in  Christian  Science  metaphysical  heal- 
ing includes  twelve  lessons.     Tuition,  three  hundred  dollars. 

Course  in  metaphysical  obstetrics  includes  six  daily  lectures, 
and  is  open  only  to  students  from  this  college.  Tuition,  one 
hundred  dollars. 

116 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Class  in  theology,  open  (like  the  above)  to  graduates,  receives 
six  additional  lectures  on  the  Scriptures,  and  summary  of  the 
principle  and  practice  of  Christian  Science,  two  hundred  dollars. 

Normal  class  is  open  to  those  who  have  taken  the  first  course 
at  this  college;  six  daily  lectures  complete  the  Normal  course. 
Tuition,  two  hundred  dollars. 

No  invalids,  and  only  persons  of  good  moral  character,  are 
accepted  as  students.  All  students  are  subject  to  examination 
and  rejection;  and  they  are  liable  to  leave  the  class  if  found 
unfit  to  remain  in  it. 

A  limited  number  of  clergymen  received  free  of  charge. 

Largest  discount  to  indigent  students,  one  hundred  dollars 
on  the  first  course. 

No  deduction  on  the  others. 

Husband  and  wife,  entered  together,  three  hundred  dollars. 

Tuition  for  all  strictly  in  advance. 

There  it  is — the  horse-leech's  daughter  alive 
again,  after  a  three-century  vacation.  Fifty  or  sixty 
hours'  lecturing  for  eight  hundred  dollars. 

I  was  in  error  as  to  one  matter:  there  are  no 
charity  students.  Gratis-taught  clergymen  must 
not  be  placed  under  that  head;  they  are  merely  an 
advertisement.  Pauper  students  can  get  into  the 
infant  class  on  a  two- third  rate  (cash  in  advance), 
but  not  even  an  archangel  can  get  into  the  rest  of  the 
game  at  anything  short  of  par,  cash  down.  For  it  is 
"in  the  spirit  of  Christ's  charity,  as  one  who  is  joyful 
to  bear  healing  to  the  sick  "  *  that  Mrs.  Eddy  is  work- 
ing the  game.    She  sends  the  healing  to  them  outside. 

She  cannot  bear  it  to  them  inside  the  college,  for 
the  reason  that  she  does  not  allow  a  sick  candidate 
to  get  in.     It  is  true  that  this  smells  of  inconsistency,2 

1Mrs.  Eddy's  Introduction  to  Science  and  Health. 
2 "There  is  no  disease";  "sickness is  a  belief  only." — Science  and 
Health,  vol.  ii,  page  173,  edition  of  1884. — M.  T. 

117 


MARK     TWAIN 

but  that  is  nothing;  Mrs.  Eddy  would  not  be  Mrs. 
Eddy  if  she  should  ever  chance  to  be  consistent 
about  anything  two  days  running. 

Except  in  the  matter  of  the  Dollar.  The  Dollar, 
and  appetite  for  power  and  notoriety.  English 
must  also  be  added;  she  is  always  consistent,  she  is 
always  Mrs.  Eddy,  in  her  English:  it  is  always  and 
consistently  confused  and  crippled  and  poor.  She 
wrote  the  Advertisement;  her  literary  trade-marks 
are  there.  When  she  says  all  " students"  are  subject 
to  examination,  she  does  not  mean  students,  she 
means  candidates  for  that  lofty  place.  When  she 
says  students  are  "liable"  to  leave  the  class  if  found 
unfit  to  remain  in  it,  she  does  not  mean  that  if  they 
find  themselves  unfit,  or  be  found  unfit  by  others, 
they  will  be  likely  to  ask  permission  to  leave  the 
class ;  she  means  that  if  she  finds  them  unfit  she  will 
be  "liable"  to  fire  them  out.  When  she  nobly  offers 
"tuition  for  all  strictly  in  advance,"  she  does  not 
mean  "instruction  for  all  in  advance — payment  for 
it  later."  No,  that  is  only  what  she  says,  it  is  not 
what  she  means.  If  she  had  written  Science  and 
Health,  the  oldest  man  in  the  world  would  not  be 
able  to  tell  with  certainty  what  any  passage  in  it  was 
intended  to  mean. 


CHAPTER  VII 

HER  Church  was  on  its  legs. 
She  was  its  pastor.     It  was  prospering. 

She  was  appointed  one  of  a  committee  to  draft 
By-laws  for  its  government.  It  may  be  observed, 
without  overplus  of  irreverence,  that  this  was  larks 
for  her.  She  did  all  of  the  drafting  herself.  From 
the  very  beginning  she  was  always  in  the  front  seat 
when  there  was  business  to  be  done;  in  the  front 
seat,  with  both  eyes  open,  and  looking  sharply  out 
for  Number  One;  in  the  front  seat,  working  Mortal 
Mind  with  fine  effectiveness  and  giving  Immortal 
Mind  a  rest  for  Sunday.  When  her  Church  was 
reorganized,  by  and  by,  the  By-laws  were  retainedl 
She  saw  to  that.  In  these  Laws  for  the  government 
of  her  Church,  her  empire,  her  despotism,  Mrs. 
Eddy's  character  is  embalmed  for  good  and  all.  I 
think  a  particularized  examination  of  these  Church 
laws  will  be  found  interesting.  And  not  the  less  so 
if  we  keep  in  mind  that  they  were  "impelled  by  a 
power  not  one's  own,"  as  she  says — Anglice,  the  in- 
spiration of  God. 

It  is  a  Church  "without  a  creed."  Still,  it  has 
one.  Mrs.  Eddy  drafted  it — and  copyrighted  it. 
In  her  own  name.  You  cannot  become  a  member 
of  the  Mother  Church  (nor  of  any  Christian  Science 

119 


MARK     TWAIN 

Church)  without  signing  it.  It  forms  the  first  chap- 
ter of  the  By-laws,  and  is  called  "Tenets."  "Tenets 
of  The  Mother  Church,  The  First  Church  of  Christ, 
Scientist."  It  has  no  hell  in  it — it  throws  it  over- 
board. 

THE   PASTOR   EMERITUS 

About  the  time  of  the  reorganization,  Mrs.  Eddy 
retired  from  her  position  of  pastor  of  her  Church, 
abolished  the  office  of  pastor  in  all  branch  Churches, 
and  appointed  her  book,  Science  and  Health,  to  be 
pastor-universal.  Mrs.  Eddy  did  not  disconnect  her- 
self from  the  office  entirely,  when  she  retired,  but 
appointed  herself  Pastor  Emeritus.  It  is  a  mis- 
leading title,  and  belongs  to  the  family  of  that 
phrase  "without  a  creed."  It  advertises  her  as 
being  a  merely  honorary  official,  with  nothing  to  do, 
and  no  authority.  The  Czar  of  Russia  is  Emperor 
Emeritus  on  the  same  terms.  Mrs.  Eddy  was 
Autocrat  of  the  Church  before,  with  limitless  au- 
thority, and  she  kept  her  grip  on  that  limitless  au- 
thority when  she  took  that  fictitious  title. 

It  is  curious  and  interesting  to  note  with  what  an 
unerring  instinct  the  Pastor  Emeritus  has  thought 
out  and  forecast  all  possible  encroachments  upon 
her  planned  autocracy,  and  barred  the  way  against 
them,  in  the  By-laws  which  she  framed  and  copy- 
righted— under  the  guidance  of  the  Supreme  Being. 

THE    BOARD   OF   DIRECTORS 

For  instance,  when  Article  I  speaks  of  a  Presi- 
dent and  Board  of  Directors,  you  think  you  have 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

discovered  a  formidable  check  upon  the  powers  and 
ambitions  of  the  honorary  pastor,  the  ornamental 
pastor,  the  functionless  pastor,  the  Pastor  Emeritus, 
but  it  is  a  mistake.  These  great  officials  are  of  the 
phrase-family  of  the  Church-Without-a-Creed  and 
the  Pastor- With-Nothing-to-Do ;  that  is  to  say,  of 
the  family  of  Large-Names-Which-Mean-Nothing. 
The  Board  is  of  so  little  consequence  that  the  By- 
laws do  not  state  how  it  is  chosen,  nor  who  does 
it;  but  they  do  state,  most  definitely,  that  the 
Board  cannot  fill  a  vacancy  in  its  number  "except 
the  candidate  is  approved  by  the  Pastor  Emeritus." 

The  "candidate"  The  Board  cannot  even  pro- 
ceed to  an  elections  until  the  Pastor  Emeritus  has 
examined  the  list  and  squelched  such  candidates  as 
are  not  satisfactory  to  her. 

Whether  the  original  first  Board  began  as  the  per- 
sonal property  of  Mrs.  Eddy  or  not,  it  is  foreseeable 
that  in  time,  under  this  By-law,  she  would  own  it. 
Such  a  first  Board  might  chafe  under  such  a  rule  as 
that,  and  try  to  legislate  it  out  of  existence  some 
day.  But  Mrs.  Eddy  was  awake.  She  foresaw 
that  danger,  and  added  this  ingenious  and  effective 
clause : 

This  By-law  can  neither  be  amended  nor  annulled,  except  by 
consent  of  Mrs.  Eddy,  the  Pastor  Emeritus. 

THE   PRESIDENT 

The  Board  of  Directors,  or  Serfs,  or  Ciphers, 
elects  the  President. 

On  these  clearly  worded  terms:  "Subject  to  the 
approval  of  the  Pastor  Emeritus." 

0  121 


MARK    TWAIN 

Therefore  She  elects  him. 

A  long  term  can  invest  a  high  official  with  influence 
and  power,  and  make  him  dangerous.  Mrs.  Eddy 
reflected  upon  that;  so  she  limits  the  President's  term 
to  a  year.  She  has  a  capable  commercial  head,  an 
organizing  head,  a  head  for  government. 

TREASURER   AND    CLERK 

There  are  a  Treasurer  and  a  Clerk.  They  are 
elected  by  the  Board  of  Directors.  That  is  to  say, 
by  Mrs.  Eddy. 

Their  terms  of  office  expire  on  the  first  Tuesday 
in  June  of  each  year,  "or  upon  the  election  of  their 
successors."  They  must  be  watchfully  obedient 
and  satisfactory  to  her,  or  she  will  elect  and  in- 
stall their  successors  with  a  suddenness  that  can 
be  unpleasant  to  them.  It  goes  without  saying 
that  the  Treasurer  manages  the  Treasury  to  suit 
Mrs.  Eddy,  and  is  in  fact  merely  Temporary  Deputy 
Treasurer. 

Apparently  the  Clerk  has  but  two  duties  to  per- 
form: to  read  messages  from  Mrs.  Eddy  to  First 
Members  assembled  in  solemn  Council,  and  provide 
lists  of  candidates  for  Church  membership.  The 
select  body  entitled  First  Members  are  the  aris- 
tocracy of  the  Mother  Church,  the  Charter  Members, 
the  Aborigines,  a  sort  of  stylish  but  unsalaried  little 
College  of  Cardinals,  good  for  show,  but  not  indis- 
pensable. Nobody  is  indispensable  in  Mrs.  Eddy's 
empire;  she  sees  to  that. 

When   the    Pastor    Emeritus    sends    a   letter    or 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

message  to  that  little  Sanhedrin,  it  is  the  Clerk's 
"imperative  duty"  to  read  it  "at  the  place  and  time 
specified."  Otherwise,  the  world  might  come  to  an 
end.  These  are  fine,  large  frills,  and  remind  us  of 
the  ways  of  emperors  and  such.  Such  do  not  use  the 
penny-post,  they  send  a  gilded  and  painted  special 
messenger,  and  he  strides  into  the  Parliament,  and 
business  comes  to  a  sudden  and  solemn  and  awful 
stop;  and  in  the  impressive  hush  that  follows,  the 
Chief  Clerk  reads  the  document.  It  is  his  "impera- 
tive duty."  If  he  should  neglect  it,  his  official  life 
would  end.  It  is  the  same  with  this  Mother- 
Church  Clerk;  "if  he  fail  to  perform  this  important 
function  of  his  office,"  certain  majestic  and  unshrink- 
able solemnities  must  follow:  a  special  meeting 
"shall"  be  called;  a  member  of  the  Church  "shall" 
make  formal  complaint;  then  the  Clerk  "shall"  be 
"removed  from  office."  Complaint  is  sufficient,  no 
trial  is  necessary. 

There  is  something  very  sweet  and  juvenile  and 
innocent  and  pretty  about  these  little  tinsel  vanities, 
these  grave  apings  of  monarchical  fuss  and  feathers 
and  ceremony,  here  on  our  ostentatiously  democratic 
soil.  She  is  the  same  lady  that  we  found  in  the 
Autobiography,  who  was  so  naively  vain  of  all  that 
little  ancestral  military  riffraff  that  she  had  dug  up 
and  annexed.  A  person's  nature  never  changes. 
What  it  is  in  childhood,  it  remains.  Under  pressure, 
or  a  change  of  interest,  it  can  partially  or  wholly 
disappear  from  sight,  and  for  considerable  stretches 
of  time,  but  nothing  can  ever  permanently  modify 
it,  nothing  can  ever  remove  it. 

123 


MARK     TWAIN 

BOARD    OF    TRUSTEES 

There  isn't  any — now.  But  with  power  and 
money  piling  up  higher  and  higher  every  day  and 
the  Church's  dominion  spreading  daily  wider  and 
farther,  a  time  could  come  when  the  envious  and 
ambitious  could  start  the  idea  that  it  would  be  wise 
and  well  to  put  a  watch  upon  these  assets — a  watch 
equipped  with  properly  large  authority.  By 
custom,  a  Board  of  Trustees.  Mrs.  Eddy  has  fore- 
seen that  probability — for  she  is  a  woman  with  a 
long,  long  look  ahead,  the  longest  look  ahead  that 
ever  a  woman  had — and  she  has  provided  for  that 
emergency.  In  Art.  I,  Sec.  5,  she  has  decreed  that  no 
Board  of  Trustees  shall  ever  exist  in  the  Mother  Church 
"except  it  be  constituted  by  the  Pastor  Emeritus,1' 

The  magnificence  of  it,  the  daring  of  it!  Thus 
far,  she  is 

The  Massachusetts  Metaphysical  College; 

Pastor  Emeritus; 

President ; 

Board  of  Directors ; 

Treasurer ; 

Clerk;  and  future 

Board  of  Trustees; 
and  is  still  moving  onward,  ever  onward.     When  I 
contemplate  her  from  a  commercial  point  of  view, 
there  are  no  words  that  can  convey  my  admiration 
of  her. 

READERS 

These  are  a  feature  of  first  importance  in  the 
church  machinery  of  Christian  Science.     For  they 

124 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

occupy  the  pulpit.  They  hold  the  place  that  the 
preacher  holds  in  the  other  Christian  Churches. 
They  hold  that  place,  but  they  do  not  preach.  Two 
of  them  are  on  duty  at  a  time — a  man  and  a  woman. 
One  reads  a  passage  from  the  Bible,  the  other  reads 
the  explanation  of  it  from  Science  and  Health — and 
so  they  go  on  alternating.  This  constitutes  the  ser- 
vice— this,  with  choir-music.  They  utter  no  word  of 
their  own.  Art.  IV,  Sec.  6,  closes  their  mouths  with 
this  uncompromising  gag: 

They  shall  make  no  remarks  explanatory  of  the  Lesson-Sermon 
at  any  time  during  the  service. 

It  seems  a  simple  little  thing.  One  is  not  startled 
by  it  at  a  first  reading  of  it;  nor  at  the  second,  nor 
the  third.  One  may  have  to  read  it  a  dozen  times 
before  the  whole  magnitude  of  it  rises  before  the 
mind.  It  far  and  away  oversizes  and  outclasses  the 
best  business  idea  yet  invented  for  the  safeguarding 
and  perpetuating  of  a  religion.  If  it  had  been 
thought  of  and  put  in  force  eighteen  hundred  and 
seventy  years  ago,  there  would  be  but  one  Christian 
sect  in  the  world  now,  instead  of  ten  dozens  of  them. 

There  are  many  varieties  of  men  in  the  world, 
consequently  there  are  many  varieties  of  minds  in 
its  pulpits.  This  insures  many  differing  interpreta- 
tions of  important  Scripture  texts,  and  this  in  turn 
insures  the  splitting  up  of  a  religion  into  many  sects. 
It  is  what  has  happened;   it  was  sure  to  happen. 

Mrs.  Eddy  has  noted  this  disastrous  result  of 
preaching,  and  has  put  up  the  bars.  She  will  have 
no  preaching  in  her  Church.     She  has  explained  alJ 

125 


MARK    TWAIN 

essential  Scriptures,  and  set  the  explanations  down 
in  her  book.  In  her  belief  her  underlings  cannot 
improve  upon  those  explanations,  and  in  that  stern 
sentence  "they  shall  make  no  explanatory  remarks''' 
she  has  barred  them  for  all  time  from  trying.  She 
will  be  obeyed;   there  is  no  question  about  that. 

In  arranging  her  government  she  has  borrowed 
ideas  from  various  sources — not  poor  ones,  but  the 
best  in  the  governmental  market — but  this  one  is 
new,  this  one  came  out  of  no  ordinary  business 
head,  this  one  must  have  come  out  of  her  own,  there 
has  been  no  other  commercial  skull  in  a  thousand 
centuries  that  was  equal  to  it.  She  has  borrowed 
freely  and  wisely,  but  I  am  sure  that  this  idea  is 
many  times  larger  than  all  her  borrowings  bulked 
together.  One  must  respect  the  business  brain  that 
produced  it — the  splendid  pluck  and  impudence  that 
ventured  to  promulgate  it,  anyway. 

ELECTION   OF   READERS 

Readers  are  not  taken  at  haphazard,  any  more 
than  preachers  are  taken  at  haphazard  for  the  pul- 
pits of  other  sects.  No,  Readers  are  elected  by  the 
Board  of  Directors.     But — 

Section  3.  The  Board  shall  inform  the  Pastor  Emeritus  of 
the  names  of  ca7ididates  for  Readers  before  they  are  elected,  and 
if  she  objects  to  the  nomination,  said  candidates  shall  not  be  chosen. 

Is  that  an  election — by  the  Board?  Thus  far  I 
have  not  been  able  to  find  out  what  that  Board  of 
Specters  is  for.  It  certainly  has  no  real  function, 
no  duty  which  the  hired  girl  could  not  perform,  no 

126 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

office  beyond  the  mere  recording  of  the  autocrat's 
decrees. 

There  are  no  dangerously  long  office  terms  in 
Mrs.  Eddy's  government.  The  Readers  are  elected 
for  but  one  year.  This  insures  their  subserviency 
to  their  proprietor. 

Readers  are  not  allowed  to  copy  out  passages  and 
read  them  from  the  manuscript  in  the  pulpit;  they 
must  read  from  Mrs.  Eddy's  book  itself.  She  is 
right.  Slight  changes  could  be  slyly  made,  repeated, 
and  in  time  get  acceptance  with  congregations. 
Branch  sects  could  grow  out  of  these  practices.  Mrs. 
Eddy  knows  the  human  race,  and  how  far  to  trust 
it.  Her  limit  is  not  over  a  quarter  of  an  inch.  It 
is  all  that  a  wise  person  will  risk. 

Mrs.  Eddy's  inborn  disposition  to  copyright  every- 
thing, charter  everything,  secure  the  rightful  and 
proper  credit  to  herself  for  everything  she  does,  and 
everything  she  thinks  she  does,  and  everything  she 
thinks,  and  everything  she  thinks  she  thinks  or  has 
thought  or  intends  to  think,  is  illustrated  in  Sec.  5 
of  Art.  IV,  defining  the  duties  of  official  Readers — 
in  church : 

Naming  Book  and  A  uthor.  The  Reader  of  Science  and  Health, 
with  Key  to  the  Scriptures,  before  commencing  to  read  from  this 
book,  shall  distinctly  announce  its  full  title  and  give  the  author's  name. 

Otherwise  the  congregation  might  get  the  habit 
of  forgetting  who  (ostensibly)  wrote  the  book. 

THE    ARISTOCRACY 

This  consists  of  First  Members  and  their  apostolic 
succession.     It  is  a  close  corporation,  and  its  mem- 

127 


MARK     TWAIN 

bership  limit  is  one  hundred.  Forty  will  answer,  but 
if  the  number  fall  below  that,  there  must  be  an 
election,  to  fill  the  grand  quorum. 

This  Sanhedrin  can't  do  anything  of  the  slightest 
importance,  but  it  can  talk.  It  can  "discuss." 
That  is,  it  can  discuss  "important  questions  relative 
to  Church  members";  evidently  persons  who  are 
already  Church  members.  This  affords  it  amuse- 
ment, and  does  no  harm. 

It  can  "fix  the  salaries  of  the  Readers." 
Twice  a  year  it  "votes  on"  admitting  candidates. 
That  is,  for  Church  membership.     But  its  work  is 
cut  out  for  it  beforehand,  by  Sec.  2,  Art.  IX: 

Every  recommendation  for  membership  in  the  Church 
"  shall  be  countersigned  by  a  loyal  student  of  Mrs.  Eddy's,  by  a 
Director  of  this  Church,  or  by  a  First  Member." 

All  these  three  classes  of  beings  are  the  personal 
property  of  Mrs.  Eddy.  She  has  absolute  control 
of  the  elections. 

Also  it  must  "transact  any  Church  business  that 
may  properly  come  before  it." 

"Properly"  is  a  thoughtful  word.  No  important 
business  can  come  before  it.  The  By-laws  have 
attended  to  that.  No  important  business  goes  be- 
fore any  one  for  the  final  word  except  Mrs.  Eddy. 
She  has  looked  to  that. 

The  Sanhedrin  "votes  on"  candidates  for  ad- 
mission to  its  own  body.  But  is  its  vote  worth  any 
more  than  mine  would •  be?  No,  it  isn't.  Sec.  4, 
of  Art.  V — Election  of  First  Members — makes  this 
quite  plain : 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Before  being  elected,  the  candidates  for  First  Members 
shall  be  approved  by  the  Pastor  Emeritus  over  her  own  signature. 

Thus  the  Sanhedrin  is  the  personal  property  of 
Mrs.  Eddy.  She  owns  it.  It  has  no  functions,  no 
authority,  no  real  existence.  It  is  another  Board  of 
Shadows.    Mrs.  Eddy  is  the  Sanhedrin  herself. 

But  it  is  time  to  foot  up  again  and  "see  where  we 
are  at."     Thus  far,  Mrs.  Eddy  is 

The  Massachusetts  Metaphysical  College; 

Pastor  Emeritus; 

President ; 

Board  of  Directors; 

Treasurer; 

Clerk; 

Future  Board  of  Trustees; 

Proprietor  of  the  Priesthood; 

Dictator  of  the  Services; 

Proprietor  of  the  Sanhedrin. 

She  has  come  far,  and  is  still  on  her  way. 

CHURCH    MEMBERSHIP 

In  this  Article  there  is  another  exhibition  of  a 
couple  of  the  large  features  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  remark- 
able make-up :  her  business  talent  and  her  knowledge 
of  human  nature. 

She  does  not  beseech  and  implore  people  to  join 
her  Church.  She  knows  the  human  race  better  than 
that.  She  gravely  goes  through  the  motions  of 
reluctantly  granting  admission  to  the  applicant  as  a 
favor  to  him.  The  idea  is  worth  untold  shekels. 
She  does  not  stand  at  the  gate  of  the  fold  with  wel- 

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MARK    TWAIN 

coming  arms  spread,  and  receive  the  lost  sheep  with 
glad  emotion  and  set  up  the  fatted  calf  and  invite 
the  neighbor  and  have  a  time.  No,  she  looks  upon 
him  coldly,  she  snubs  him,  she  says:  "Who  are  you? 
Who  is  your  sponsor  ?  Who  asked  you  to  come  here  ? 
Go  away,  and  don't  come  again  until  you  are 
invited." 

It  is  calculated  to  strikingly  impress  a  person 
accustomed  to  Moody  and  Sankey  and  Sam  Jones 
revivals;  accustomed  to  brain-turning  appeals  to  the 
unknown  and  unindorsed  sinner  to  come  forward  and 
enter  into  the  joy,  etc. — "just  as  he  is";  accustomed 
to  seeing  him  do  it;  accustomed  to  seeing  him  pass 
up  the  aisle  through  sobbing  seas  of  welcome,  and 
love,  and  congratulation,  and  arrive  at  the  mourn- 
er's bench  and  be  received  like  a  long-lost  govern- 
ment bond. 

No,  there  is  nothing  of  that  kind  in  Mrs.  Eddy's 
system.  She  knows  that  if  you  wish  to  confer  upon 
a  human  being  something  which  he  is  not  sure  he 
wants,  the  best  way  is  to  make  it  apparently  difficult 
for  him  to  get  it — then  he  is  no  son  of  Adam  if  that 
apple  does  not  assume  an  interest  in  his  eyes  which 
it  lacked  before.  In  time  this  interest  can  grow  into 
desire.  Mrs.  Eddy  knows  that  when  you  cannot 
get  a  man  to  try — free  of  cost — a  new  and  effective 
remedy  for  a  disease  he  is  afflicted  with,  you  can 
generally  sell  it  to  him  if  you  will  put  a  price  upon  it 
which  he  cannot  afford.1    When,  in  the  beginning, 

1 1  offered  to  cure  of  his  passion — gratis — a  victim  of  the  drinking 
habit,  by  a  simple  and  (as  it  seemed  to  me)  not  difficult  intellectual 
method  which  I  had  successfully  tried  upon  the  tobacco  habit.    I 

130 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

she  taught  Christian  Science  gratis  (for  good  reasons), 
pupils  were  few  and  reluctant,  and  required  per- 
suasion; it  was  when  she  raised  the  limit  to  three 
hundred  dollars  for  a  dollar's  worth  that  she  could 
not  find  standing-room  for  the  invasion  of  pupils  that 
followed. 

With  fine  astuteness  she  goes  through  the  motions 
of  making  it  difficult  to  get  membership  in  her 
Church.  There  is  a  twofold  value  in  this  system: 
it  gives  membership  a  high  value  in  the  eyes  of  the 
applicant;  and  at  the  same  time  the  requirements 
exacted  enable  Mrs.  Eddy  to  keep  him  out  if  she  has 
doubts  about  his  value  to  her.  A  word  further  as 
to  applications  for  membership : 

Applications  of  students  of  the  Metaphysical  College  must 
be  signed  by  the  Board  of  Directors. 

That  is  safe.  Mrs.  Eddy  is  proprietor  of  that 
Board. 

Children  of  twelve  may  be  admitted  if  invited  by 
"one  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  loyal  students,  or  by  a  First 
Member,  or  by  a  Director." 

These  sponsors  are  the  property  of  Mrs.  Eddy, 
therefore  her  Church  is  safeguarded  from  the  in- 
trusion of  undesirable  children. 

Other  Students.     Applicants  who  have  not  studied 

failed  to  get  him  interested.  I  think  my  proposition  couldn't  rouse 
him,  couldn't  strongly  appeal  to  him,  could  not  electrify  him,  be- 
cause it  offered  a  thing  so  easy  to  get,  and  which  could  be  had  for 
nothing.  Within  a  month  afterward  a  famous  Drink  Cure  opened, 
and  at  my  suggestion  he  willingly  went  there,  at  once,  and  got 
himself  (temporarily)  cured  of  his  habit.  Because  he  had  to  pay 
one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars.  One  values  a  thing  when  one  can't 
afford  it.— M.  T. 

131 


MARK    TWAIN 

with  Mrs.  Eddy  can  get  in  only  "by  invitation  and 
recommendation  from  students  of  Mrs.  Eddy  .  .  . 
or  from  members  of  the  Mother  Church." 

Other  paragraphs  explain  how  two  or  three  other 
varieties  of  applicants  are  to  be  challenged  and 
obstructed,  and  tell  us  who  is  authorized  to  invite 
them,  recommend  them,  indorse  them,  and  all  that. 

The  safeguards  are  definite,  and  would  seem  to 
be  sufficiently  strenuous — to  Mr.  Sam  Jones,  at  any 
rate.    Not  for  Mrs.  Eddy.     She  adds  this  clincher: 

The  candidates  shall  be  elected  by  a  majority  vote  of  the  First 
Members  present. 

That  is  the  aristocracy,  the  aborigines,  the  San- 
hedrim It  is  Mrs.  Eddy's  property.  She  herself 
is  the  Sanhedrim  No  one  can  get  into  the  Church 
if  she  wishes  to  keep  him  out. 

This  veto  power  could  some  time  or  other  have  a 
large  value  for  her,  therefore  she  was  wise  to  re- 
serve it. 

It  is  likely  that  it  is  not  frequently  used.  It  is 
also  probable  that  the  difficulties  attendant  upon 
getting  admission  to  membership  have  been  insti- 
tuted more  to  invite  than  to  deter,  more  to  enhance 
the  value  of  membership  and  make  people  long  for 
it  than  to  make  it  really  difficult  to  get.  I  think  so, 
because  the  Mother  Church  has  many  thousands  of 
members  more  than  its  building  can  accommodate. 

'ANDSOME   ENGLISH   REQUIRED 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  very  particular  as  regards  one 
detail — curiously  so,  for  her,  all  things  considered. 

132 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  Church  Readers  must  be  "good  English  schol- 
ars"; they  must  be  "thorough  English  scholars.' ' 
She  is  thus  sensitive  about  the  English  of  her 
subordinates  for  cause,  possibly.  In  her  chapter 
defining  the  duties  of  the  Clerk  there  is  an  indica- 
tion that  she  harbors  resentful  memories  of  an  occa- 
sion when  the  hazy  quality  of  her  own  English  made 
unforeseen  and  mortifying  trouble: 

Understanding  Communications.  Sec.  2.  If  the  Clerk  of  this 
Church  shall  receive  a  communication  from  the  Pastor  Emeritus 
which  he  does  not  fully  understand,  he  shall  inform  her  of  this 
fact  before  presenting  it  to  the  Church,  and  obtain  a  clear 
understanding  of  the  matter — then  act  in  accordance  therewith. 

She  should  have  waited  to  calm  down,  then,  but 
instead  she  added  this,  which  lacks  sugar: 

Failing  to  adhere  to  this  By-law,  the  Clerk  must  resign. 

I  wish  I  could  see  that  communication  that  broke 
the  camel's  back.  It  was  probably  the  one  be- 
ginning: "What  plague  spot  or  bacilli  were  gnaw- 
ing at  the  heart  of  this  metropolis  and  bringing  it 
on  bended  knee?"  and  I  think  it  likely  that  the 
kindly  disposed  Clerk  tried  to  translate  it  into 
English  and  lost  his  mind  and  had  to  go  to  the 
hospital.  That  By-law  was  not  the  offspring  of  a 
forecast,  an  intuition,  it  was  certainly  born  of  a 
sorrowful  experience.  Its  temper  gives  the  fact 
away. 

The  little  book  of  By-laws  has  manifestly  been 
tinkered  by  one  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  "thorough  English 
scholars,"  for  in  the  majority  of  cases  its  meanings 
are  clear.     The  book  is  not  even  marred  by  Mrs. 

i33 


MARK     TWAIN 

Eddy's  peculiar  specialty — lumbering  clumsinesses 
of  speech.  I  believe  the  salaried  polisher  has  weeded 
them  all  out  but  one.  In  one  place,  after  referring 
to  Science  and  Health,  Mrs.  Eddy  goes  on  to  say  "the 
Bible  and  the  above-named  book,  with  other  works 
by  the  same  author,' '  etc. 

It  is  an  unfortunate  sentence,  for  it  could  mislead 
a  hasty  or  careless  reader  for  a  moment.  Mrs.  Eddy 
framed  it — it  is  her  very  own — it  bears  her  trade- 
mark. "The  Bible  and  Science  and  Health,  with 
other  works  by  the  same  author,"  could  have  come 
from  no  literary  vacuum  but  the  one  which  produced 
the  remark  (in  the  Autobiography):  "I  remember 
reading,  in  my  childhood,  certain  manuscripts  con- 
taining Scriptural  Sonnets,  besides  other  verses  and 
enigmas." 

We  know  what  she  means,  in  both  instances,  but 
a  low-priced  Clerk  would  not  necessarily  know,  and 
on  a  salary  like  his  he  could  quite  excusably  aver 
that  the  Pastor  Emeritus  had  commanded  him  to 
come  and  make  proclamation  that  she  was  author 
of  the  Bible,  and  that  she  was  thinking  of  discharg- 
ing some  Scriptural  sonnets  and  other  enigmas  upon 
the  congregation.  It  could  lose  him  his  place,  but 
it  would  not  be  fair,  if  it  happened  before  the  edict 
about  "Understanding  Communications"  was  pro- 
mulgated. 

"readers"  again 

The  By-law  book  makes  a  showy  pretense  of 
orderliness  and  system,  but  it  is  only  a  pretense.  I 
will  not  go  so  far  as  to  say  it  is  a  harum-scarum 

i34 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

jumble,  for  it  is  not  that,  but  I  think  it  fair  to  say 
it  is  at  least  jumbulacious  in  places.  For  instance, 
Articles  III  and  IV  set  forth  in  much  detail  the 
qualifications  and  duties  of  Readers,  she  then  skips 
some  thirty  pages  and  takes  up  the  subject  again. 
It  looks  like  slovenliness,  but  it  may  be  only  art. 
The  belated  By-law  has  a  sufficiently  quiet  look,  but 
it  has  a  ton  of  dynamite  in  it.  It  makes  all  the  Chris- 
tian Science  Church  Readers  on  the  globe  the  personal 
chattels  of  Mrs.  Eddy,  Whenever  she  chooses,  she 
can  stretch  her  long  arm  around  the  world's  fat 
belly  and  flirt  a  Reader  out  of  his  pulpit,  though  he 
be  tucked  away  in  seeming  safety  and  obscurity  in 
a  lost  village  in  the  middle  of  China: 

In  any  Church.  Sec.  2.  The  Pastor  Emeritus  of  the  Mother 
Church  shall  have  the  right  (through  a  letter  addressed  to  the 
individual  and  Church  of  which  he  is  the  Reader)  to  remove  a 
Reader  from  this  office  in  any  Church  of  Christ,  Scientist,  both 
in  America  and  in  foreign  nations;  or  to  appoint  the  Reader  to 
rill  any  office  belonging  to  the  Christian  Science  denomination. 

She  does  not  have  to  prefer  charges  against  him, 
she  does  not  have  to  find  him  lazy,  careless,  incom- 
petent, untidy,  ill-mannered,  unholy,  dishonest,  she 
does  not  have  to  discover  a  fault  of  any  kind  in  him, 
she  does  not  have  to  tell  him  nor  his  congregation 
why  she  dismisses  and  disgraces  him  and  insults  his 
meek  flock,  she  does  not  have  to  explain  to  his 
family  why  she  takes  the  bread  out  of  their  mouths 
and  turns  them  out  of  doors  homeless  and  ashamed 
in  a  strange  land;  she  does  not  have  to  do  anything 
but  send  a  letter  and  say:  "Pack! — and  ask  no 
questions!'* 

135 


MARK    TWAIN 

Has  the  Pope  this  power? — the  other  Pope — the 
one  in  Rome.  Has  he  anything  approaching  it? 
Can  he  turn  a  priest  out  of  his  pulpit  and  strip  him 
of  his  office  and  his  livelihood  just  upon  a  whim,  a 
caprice,  and  meanwhile  furnishing  no  reasons  to  the 
parish?  Not  in  America.  And  not  elsewhere,  we 
may  believe. 

It  is  odd  and  strange,  to  see  intelligent  and 
educated  people  among  us  worshiping  this  self- 
seeking  and  remorseless  tyrant  as  a  God.  This 
worship  is  denied — by  persons  who  are  themselves 
worshipers  of  Mrs.  Eddy.  I  feel  quite  sure  that  it 
is  a  worship  which  will  continue  during  ages. 

That  Mrs.  Eddy  wrote  that  amazing  By-law  with 
her  own  hand  we  have  much  better  evidence  than 
her  word.  We  have  her  English.  It  is  there.  It 
cannot  be  imitated.  She  ought  never  to  go  to  the 
expense  of  copyrighting  her  verbal  discharges.  When 
any  one  tries  to  claim  them  she  should  call  me;  I 
can  always  tell  them  from  any  other  literary  appren- 
tice's at  a  glance.  It  was  like  her  to  call  America 
a  ''nation";  she  would  call  a  sand-bar  a  nation  if 
it  should  fall  into  a  sentence  in  which  she  was  speak- 
ing of  peoples,  for  she  would  not  know  how  to 
untangle  it  and  get  it  out  and  classify  it  by  itself. 
And  the  closing  arrangement  of  that  By-law  is  in 
true  Eddysonian  form,  too.  In  it  she  reserves 
authority  to  make  a  Reader  fill  any  office  connected 
with  a  Science  church — sexton,  grave-digger,  adver- 
tising-agent, Annex-polisher,  leader  of  the  choir, 
President,  Director,  Treasurer,  Clerk,  etc.  She  did 
not  mean  that.     She  already  possessed  that  author- 

136 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

ity.  She  meant  to  clothe  herself  with  power, 
despotic  and  unchallengeable,  to  appoint  all  Science 
Readers  to  their  offices,  both  at  home  and  abroad. 
The  phrase  "or  to  appoint"  is  another  miscarriage  of 
intention;  she  did  not  mean  "or,"  she  meant  "and." 
That  By-law  puts  into  Mrs.  Eddy's  hands  abso- 
lute command  over  the  most  formidable  force  and 
influence  existent  in  the  Christian  Science  kingdom 
outside  of  herself,  and  it  does  this  unconditionally 
and  (by  auxiliary  force  of  Laws  already  quoted) 
irrevocably.  Still,  she  is  not  quite  satisfied.  Some- 
thing might  happen,  she  doesn't  know  what.  There- 
fore she  drives  in  one  more  nail,  to  make  sure,  and 
drives  it  deep : 

This  By-law  can  neither  be  amended  nor  annulled,  except  by 
consent  of  the  Pastor  Emeritus. 

Let  some  one  with  a  wild  and  delirious  fancy  try 
and  see  if  he  can  imagine  her  furnishing  that  consent. 

MONOPOLY   OF   SPIRITUAL   BREAD 

Very  properly,  the  first  qualification  for  member- 
ship in  the  Mother  Church  is  belief  in  the  doctrines 
of  Christian  Science. 

But  these  doctrines  must  not  be  gathered  from 
secondary  sources.  There  is  but  one  recognized 
source.  The  candidate  must  be  a  believer  in  the 
doctrines  of  Christian  Science  " according  to  the 
platform  and  teaching  contained  in  the  Christian 
Science  text-book,  'Science  and  Health,  with  Key  to  the 
Scriptures,'  by  Rev.  Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy." 

That  is  definite,  and  is  final.     There  are  to  be  no 

io  137 


MARK    TWAIN 

commentaries,  no  labored  volumes  of  exposition  and 
explanation  by  anybody  except  Mrs.  Eddy.  Because 
such  things  could  sow  error,  create  warring  opinions, 
split  the  religion  into  sects,  and  disastrously  cripple 
its  power.  Mrs.  Eddy  will  do  the  whole  of  the 
explaining,  herself — has  done  it,  in  fact.  She  has 
written  several  books.  They  are  to  be  had  (for  cash 
in  advance);  they  are  all  sacred;  additions  to  them 
can  never  be  needed  and  will  never  be  permitted. 
They  tell  the  candidate  how  to  instruct  himself,  how 
to  teach  others,  how  to  do  all  things  comprised  in 
the  business — and  they  close  the  door  against  all 
would-be  competitors,   and  monopolize  the  trade: 

"The  Bible  and  the  above-named  book  [Science 
and  Health],  with  other  works  by  the  same  author," 
must  be  his  only  text-books  for  the  commerce — he 
cannot  forage  outside. 

Mrs.  Eddy's  words  are  to  be  the  sole  elucidators 
of  the  Bible  and  Science  and  Health — forever. 
Throughout  the  ages,  whenever  there  is  doubt  as 
to  the  meaning  of  a  passage  in  either  of  these  books 
the  inquirer  will  not  dream  of  trying  to  explain  it 
to  himself;  he  would  shudder  at  the  thought  of 
such  temerity,  such  profanity;  he  would  be  haled  to 
the  Inquisition  and  thence  to  the  public  square  and 
the  stake  if  he  should  be  caught  studying  into  text- 
meanings  on  his  own  hook;  he  will  be  prudent  and 
seek  the  meanings  at  the  only  permitted  source, 
Mrs.  Eddy's  commentaries. 

Value  of  this  Strait- jacket.  One  must  not  underrate 
the  magnificence  of  this  long-headed  idea,  one  must 
not  underestimate  its  giant  possibilities  in  the  matter 

138 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

of  hooping  the  Church  solidly  together  and  keeping 
it  so.  It  squelches  independent  inquiry,  and  makes 
such  a  thing  impossible,  profane,  criminal,  it  authori- 
tatively settles  every  dispute  that  can  arise.  It 
starts  with  finality — a  point  which  the  Roman 
Church  has  traveled  toward  fifteen  or  sixteen  cen- 
turies, stage  by  stage,  and  has  not  yet  reached. 
The  matter  of  the  Immaculate  Conception  of  the 
Virgin  Mary  was  not  authoritatively  settled  until  the 
days  of  Pius  IX. — yesterday,  so  to  speak. 

As  already  noticed,  the  Protestants  are  broken  up 
into  a  long  array  of  sects,  a  result  of  disputes  about 
the  meanings  of  texts,  disputes  made  unavoidable  by 
the  absence  of  an  infallible  authority  to  submit 
doubtful  passages  to.  A  week  or  two  ago  (I  am 
writing  in  the  middle  of  January,  1903),  the  clergy 
and  others  hereabouts  had  a  warm  dispute  in  the 
papers  over  this  question :  Did  Jesus  anywhere  claim 
to  be  God?  It  seemed  an  easy  question,  but  it 
turned  out  to  be  a  hard  one.  It  was  ably  and  elabo- 
rately discussed,  by  learned  men  of  several  denomi- 
nations, but  in  the  end  it  remained  unsettled. 

A  week  ago,  another  discussion  broke  out.  It  was 
over  this  text: 

Sell  all  that  thou  hast  and  distribute  unto  the  poor. 
One  verdict  was  worded  as  follows: 

When  Christ  answered  the  rich  young  man  and  said  for 
him  to  give  to  the  poor  all  he  possessed  or  he  could  not  gain 
everlasting  life,  He  did  not  mean  it  in  the  literal  sense.  My 
interpretation  of  His  words  is  that  we  should  part  with  what 
comes  between  us  and  Christ. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  Jesus  believed  that  the  rich  young 

139 


MARK    TWAIN 

man  thought  more  of  his  wealth  than  he  did  of  his  soul,  and, 
such  being  the  case,  it  was  his  duty  to  give  up  the  wealth. 

Every  one  of  us  knows  that  there  is  something  we  should 
give  up  for  Christ.  Those  who  are  true  believers  and  followers 
know  what  they  have  given  up,  and  those  who  are  not  yet 
followers  know  down  in  their  hearts  what  they  must  give  up. 

Ten  clergymen  of  various  denominations  were  inter- 
viewed, and  nine  of  them  agreed  with  that  verdict. 
That  did  not  settle  the  matter,  because  the  tenth  said 
the  language  of  Jesus  was  so  strait  and  definite  that 
it  explained  itself:  "Sell  a/Z,"  not  a  percentage. 

There  is  a  most  unusual  feature  about  that  dis- 
pute :  the  nine  persons  who  decided  alike,  quoted  not 
a  single  authority  in  support  of  their  position.  I  do 
not  know  when  I  have  seen  trained  disputants  do  the 
like  of  that  before.  The  nine  merely  furnished  their 
own  opinions,  founded  upon — nothing  at  all.  In  the 
other  dispute  ("Did  Jesus  anywhere  claim  to  be 
God?")  the  same  kind  of  men — trained  and  learned 
clergymen — backed  up  their  arguments  with  chapter 
and  verse.  On  both  sides.  Plenty  of  verses.  Were 
no  reinforcing  verses  to  be  found  in  the  present 
case?    It  looks  that  way. 

The  opinion  of  the  nine  seems  strange  to  me,  for 
it  is  unsupported  by  authority,  while  there  was  at 
least  constructive  authority  for  the  opposite  view. 

It  is  hair-splitting  differences  of  opinion  over  dis- 
puted text-meanings  that  have  divided  into  many 
sects  a  once  united  Church.  One  may  infer  from 
some  of  the  names  in  the  following  list  that  some  of 
the  differences  are  very  slight — so  slight  as  to  be  not 
distinctly  important,  perhaps — yet  they  have  moved 
groups  to  withdraw  from  communions  to  which  they 

140 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

belonged  and  set  up  a  sect  of  their  own.  The  list — 
accompanied  by  various  Church  statistics  for  1902, 
compiled  by  Rev.  Dr.  H.  K.  Carroll — was  published, 
January  8,  1903,  in  the  New  York  Christian  Advocate: 


Adventists  (6  bodies) 
Baptists  (13  bodies) 
Brethren  (Plymouth)   (4 

bodies) 
Brethren    (River)    (3 

bodies) 
Catholics  (8  bodies) 
Catholic  Apostolic 
Christadelphians 
Christian  Connection 
Christian     Catholics 

(Dowie) 
Christian     Missionary 

Association 
Christian  Scientists 
Church   of   God    (Wine- 

brennarian) 
Church  of  the  New  Jeru- 
salem 
Congregationalists 
Disciples  of  Christ 
Dunkards  (4  bodies) 
Evangelical  (2  bodies) 
Friends  (4  bodies) 
Friends  of  the  Temple 

Total  of  sects 


German  Evangelical 
Protestant 

German  Evangelical  Sy- 
nod 

Independent  congrega- 
tions 

Jews  (2  bodies) 

Latter  -  day  Saints  (2 
bodies) 

Lutherans  (22  bodies) 

Mennonites  (12  bodies) 

Methodists  (17  bodies) 

Moravians 

Presbyterians  (12  bodies) 

Protestant  Episcopal  (2 
bodies) 

Reformed  (3  bodies) 

Schwenkfeldians 

Social  Brethren 

Spiritualists 

Swedish  Evangelical 
Miss.  Covenant  (Wal- 
denstromians) 

Unitarians 

United  Brethren  (2  bodies) 

Universalists 
and  splits — 139. 
41 


MARK     TWAIN 

In  the  present  month  (February),  Mr.  E.  I. 
Lindh,  A.M.,  has  communicated  to  the  Boston 
Transcript  a  hopeful  article  on  the  solution  of  the 
problem  of  the  "divided  church."  Divided  is  not 
too  violent  a  term.  Subdivided  could  have  been 
permitted  if  he  had  thought  of  it.  He  came  near 
thinking  of  it,  for  he  mentions  some  of  the  sub- 
divisions himself:  "the  12  kinds  of  Presbyterians, 
the  17  kinds  of  Methodists,  the  13  kinds  of  Baptists, 
etc."  He  overlooked  the  12  kinds  of  Mennonites 
and  the  22  kinds  of  Lutherans,  but  they  are  in  Rev. 
Mr.  Carroll's  list.  Altogether,  76  splits  under  5 
flags.  The  Literary  Digest  (February  14th)  is  pleased 
with  Mr.  Lindh 's  optimistic  article,  and  also  with  the 
signs  of  the  times,  and  perceives  that  "the  idea  of 
Church  unity  is  in  the  air." 

Now,  then,  is  not  Mrs.  Eddy  profoundly  wise  in 
forbidding,  for  all  time,  all  explanations  of  her  relig- 
ion except  such  as  she  shall  let  on  to  be  her  own? 

I  think  so.  I  think  there  can  be  no  doubt  of  it. 
In  a  way,  they  will  be  her  own;  for,  no  matter  which 
member  of  her  clerical  staff  shall  furnish  the  ex- 
planations, not  a  line  of  them  will  she  ever  allow  to 
be  printed  until  she  shall  have  approved  it,  accepted 
it,  copyrighted  it,  cabbaged  it.  We  may  depend  on 
that  with  a  four-ace  confidence. 


THE    NEW   INFALLIBILITY 

All  in  proper  time  Mrs.  Eddy's  factory  will  take 
hold  of  that  Commandment,  and  explain  it  for  good 
and  all.     It  may  be  that  one  member  of  the  shift 

142 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

will  vote  that  the  word  "all"  means  all;  it  may  be 
that  ten  members  of  the  shift  will  vote  that  "all" 
means  only  a  percentage;  but  it  is  Mrs.  Eddy,  not 
the  eleven,  who  will  do  the  deciding.  And  if  she  says 
it  is  percentage,  then  percentage  it  is,  forevermore 
— and  that  is  what  I  am  expecting,  for  she  doesn't 
sell  all  herself,  nor  any  considerable  part  of  it,  and 
as  regards  the  poor,  she  doesn't  declare  any  div- 
idend; but  if  she  says  "all"  means  all,  then  all  it 
is,  to  the  end  of  time,  and  no  follower  of  hers  will 
ever  be  allowed  to  reconstruct  that  text,  or  shrink 
it,  or  inflate  it,  or  meddle  with  it  in  any  way  at  all. 
Even  to-day — right  here  in  the  beginning — she  is  the 
sole  person  who,  in  the  matter  of  Christian  Science 
exegesis,  is  privileged  to  exploit  the  Spiral  Twist.1 
The  Christian  world  has  two  Infallibles  now. 

Of  equal  power?  For  the  present  only.  When 
Leo  XIII.  passes  to  his  rest  another  Infallible  will 
ascend  his  throne ; 2  others,  and  yet  others,  and  still 
others  will  follow  him,  and  be  as  infallible  as  he 
and  decide  questions  of  doctrine  as  long  as  they  may 
come  up,  all  down  the  far  future;  but  Mary  Baker 
G.  Eddy  is  the  only  Infallible  that  will  ever  occupy 
the  Science  throne.  Many  a  Science  Pope  will  suc- 
ceed her,  but  she  has  closed  their  mouths;  they  will 
repeat  and  reverently  praise  and  adore  her  infalli- 

2That  is  a  technicality — that  phrase.  I  got  it  of  an  uncle  of 
mine.  He  had  once  studied  in  a  theological  cemetery,  he  said,  and 
he  called  the  Department  of  Biblical  Exegesis  the  Spiral  Twist 
"for  short."  He  said  it  was  always  difficult  to  drive  a  straight  text 
through  an  unaccommodating  cork,  but  that  if  you  twisted  it  it 
would  go.     He  had  kept  bar  in  his  less  poetical  days. — M.  T. 

2  It  has  since  happened. — M.  T. 

143 


MARK     TWAIN 

bilities,  but  venture  none  themselves.  In  her  grave 
she  will  still  outrank  all  other  Popes,  be  they  of 
what  Church  they  may.  She  will  hold  the  supremest 
of  earthly  titles,  The  Infallible — with  a  capital  T. 
Many  in  the  world's  history  have  had  a  hunger  for 
such  nuggets  and  slices  of  power  as  they  might 
reasonably  hope  to  grab  out  of  an  empire's  or  a  re- 
ligion's assets,  but  Mrs.  Eddy  is  the  only  person  alive 
or  dead  who  has  ever  struck  for  the  whole  of  them. 
For  small  things  she  has  the  eye  of  a  microscope, 
for  large  ones  the  eye  of  a  telescope,  and  whatever 
she  sees,  she  wants.    Wants  it  all. 

THE    SACRED   POEMS 

When  Mrs.  Eddy's  " sacred  revelations"  (that  is 
the  language  of  the  By-laws)  are  read  in  public,  their 
authorship  must  be  named.  The  By-laws  twice  com- 
mand this,  therefore  we  mention  it  twice,  to  be  fair. 

But  it  is  also  commanded  that  when  a  member 
publicly  quotes  "from  the  poems  of  our  Pastor 
Emeritus ' '  the  authorship  shall  be  named.  For  these 
are  sacred,  too.  There  are  kindly  people  who  may 
suspect  a  hidden  generosity  in  that  By-law;  they 
may  think  it  is  there  to  protect  the  Official  Reader 
from  the  suspicion  of  having  written  the  poems  him- 
self. Such  do  not  know  Mrs.  Eddy.  She  does  an 
inordinate  deal  of  protecting,  but  in  no  distinctly 
named  and  specified  case  in  her  history  has  Number 
Two  been  the  object  of  it.  Instances  have  been 
claimed,  but  they  have  failed  of  proof,  and  even  of 
plausibility. 

144 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

" Members  shall  also  instruct  their  students"  to 
look  out  and  advertise  the  authorship  when  they 
read  those  poems  and  things.  Not  on  Mrs.  Eddy's 
account,  but  "for  the  good  of  our  Cause.'' 


THE    CHURCH    EDIFICE 

i.  Mrs.  Eddy  gave  the  land.  It  was  not  of  much 
value  at  the  time,  but  it  is  very  valuable  now. 

2.  Her  people  built  the  Mother  Church  edifice  on 
it,  at  a  cost  of  two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  dollars. 

3.  Then  they  gave  the  whole  property  to  her. 

4.  Then  she  gave  it  to  the  Board  of  Directors. 
She  is  the  Board  of  Directors.  She  took  it  out  of 
one  pocket  and  put  it  in  the  other. 

5.  Sec.  10  (of  the  deed).  " Whenever  said  Di- 
rectors shall  determine  that  it  is  inexpedient  to  main- 
tain preaching,  reading,  or  speaking  in  said  church 
in  accordance  with  the  terms  of  this  deed,  they  are 
authorized  and  required  to  reconvey  forthwith  said 
lot  of  land  with  the  building  thereon  to  Mary  Baker 
G.  Eddy,  her  heirs  and  assigns  forever,  by  a  proper 
deed  of  conveyance." 

She  is  never  careless,  never  slipshod,  about  a 
matter  of  business.  Owning  the  property  through 
her  Board  of  Waxworks  was  safe  enough,  still  it  was 
sound  business  to  set  another  grip  on  it  to  cover  acci- 
dents, and  she  did  it. 

Her  barkers  (what  a  curious  name ;  I  wonder  if  it  is 
copyrighted) ;  her  barkers  persistently  advertise  to  the 
public  her  generosity  in  giving  away  a  piece  of  land 

i45 


MARK     TWAIN 

which  cost  her  a  trifle,  and  a  two-hundred- an d-fifty- 
thousand-dollar  church  which  cost  her  nothing;  and 
they  can  hardly  speak  of  the  unselfishness  of  it  with- 
out breaking  down  and  crying;  yet  they  know  she 
gave  nothing  away,  and  never  intended  to.  However, 
such  is  the  human  race.  Often  it  does  seem  such  a 
pity  that  Noah  and  his  party  did  not  miss  the  boat. 

Some  of  the  hostiles  think  that  Mrs.  Eddy's  idea 
in  protecting  this  property  in  the  interest  of  her  heirs, 
and  in  accumulating  a  great  money  fortune,  is,  that 
she  may  leave  her  natural  heirs  well  provided  for 
when  she  goes.  I  think  it  is  a  mistake.  I  think  she 
is  of  late  years  giving  herself  large  concern  about  only 
one  interest — her  power  and  glory,  and  the  perpetua- 
tion and  worship  of  her  Name — with  a  capital  Nl 
Her  Church  is  her  pet  heir,  and  I  think  it  will  get  her' 
wealth.  It  is  the  torch  which  is  to  light  the  world 
and  the  ages  with  her  glory. 

I  think  she  once  prized  money  for  the  ease  and 
comfort  it  could  bring,  the  showy  vanities  it  could 
furnish,  and  the  social  promotion  it  could  command ; 
for  we  have  seen  that  she  was  born  into  the  world 
with  little  ways  and  instincts  and  aspirations  and 
affectations  that  are  duplicates  of  our  own.  I  do 
not  think  her  money-passion  has  ever  diminished  in 
ferocity,  I  do  not  think  that  she  has  ever  allowed  a 
dollar  that  had  no  friends  to  get  by  her  alive,  but  I 
think  her  reason  for  wanting  it  has  changed.  I 
think  she  wants  it  now  to  increase  and  establish  and 
perpetuate  her  power  and  glory  with,  not  to  add 
to  her  comforts  and  luxuries,  not  to  furnish  paint 
and  fuss  and  feathers  for  vain  display.     I  think  her 

146 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

ambitions  have  soared  away  above  the  fuss-and- 
feather  stage.  She  still  likes  the  little  shows  and 
vanities — a  fact  which  she  exposed  in  a  public 
utterance  two  or  three  days  ago  when  she  was  not 
noticing1 — but  I  think  she  does  not  place  a  large 
value  upon  them  now.  She  could  build  a  mighty 
and  far-shining  brass-mounted  palace  if  she  wanted 
to,  but  she  does  not  do  it.  She  would  have 
had  that  kind  of  ambition  in  the  early  scrabbling 
times.  She  could  go  to  England  to-day  and  be 
worshiped  by  earls,  and  get  a  comet's  attention 
from  the  million,  if  she  cared  for  such  things.  She 
would  have  gone  in  the  early  scrabbling  days  for 
much  less  than  an  earl,  and  been  vain  of  it,  and  glad 
to  show  off  before  the  remains  of  the  Scotch  kin. 
But  those  things  are  very  small  to  her  now — next  to 
invisible,  observed  through  the  cloud-rack  from  the 
dizzy  summit  where  she  perches  in  these  great  days. 
She  does  not  want  that  church  property  for  herself. 
It  is  worth  but  a  quarter  of  a  million — a  sum  she 
could  call  in  from  her  far-spread  flocks  to-morrow 
with  a  lift  of  her  hand.  Not  a  squeeze  of  it,  just  a 
lift.  It  would  come  without  a  murmur;  come 
gratefully,  come  gladly.  And  if  her  glory  stood  in 
more  need  of  the  money  in  Boston  than  it  does  where 
her  flocks  are  propagating  it,  she  would  lift  the  hand, 
I  think. 

She  is  still  reaching  for  the  Dollar,  she  will  con- 
tinue to  reach  for  it;  but  not  that  she  may  spend  it 
upon   herself;    not   that   she  may  spend   it   upon 

lThis  is  a  reference  to  her  public  note  of  January  17  th.  See 
Appendix. — M.  T. 

147 


MARK     TWAIN 

charities;  not  that  she  may  indemnify  an  early 
deprivation  and  clothe  herself  in  a  blaze  of  North 
Adams  gauds;  not  that  she  may  have  nine  breeds 
of  pie  for  breakfast,  as  only  the  rich  New-Englander 
can;  not  that  she  may  indulge  any  petty  material 
vanity  or  appetite  that  once  was  hers  and  prized  and 
nursed,  but  that  she  may  apply  that  Dollar  to 
statelier  uses,  and  place  it  where  it  may  cast  the 
metallic  sheen  of  her  glory  farthest  across  the  reced- 
ing expanses  of  the  globe. 

PRAYER 

A  brief  and  good  one  is  furnished  in  the  book 
of  By-laws.  The  Scientist  is  required  to  pray  it 
every  day. 

THE   LORD'S  PRAYER — AMENDED 

This  is  not  in  the  By-laws,  it  is  in  the  first  chapter 
of  Science  and  Healthy  edition  of  1902.  I  do  not  find 
it  in  the  edition  of  1884.  It  is  probable  that  it  had 
not  at  that  time  been  handed  down.  Science  and 
Health's  (latest)  rendering  of  its  " spiritual  sense" 
is  as  follows: 

"Our  Father-Mother  God,  all-harmonious,  adorable  One. 
Thy  kingdom  is  within  us,  Thou  art  ever-present.  Enable  us 
to  know — as  in  heaven,  so  on  earth — God  is  supreme.  Give  us 
grace  for  to-day;  feed  the  famished  affections.  And  infinite 
Love  is  reflected  in  love.  And  Love  leadeth  us  not  into  tempta- 
tion, but  delivereth  from  sin,  disease,  and  death.  For  God  is 
now  and  forever  all  Life,  Truth,  and  Love."1 

1  For  the  latest  version,  see  Appendix.— M.  T. 

148 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

If  I  thought  my  opinion  was  desired  and  would  be 
properly  revered,  I  should  say  that  in  my  judgment 
that  is  as  good  a  piece  of  carpentering  as  any  of 
those  eleven  Commandment-experts  could  do  with 
material,  after  all  their  practice.  I  notice  only  one 
doubtful  place.  "Lead  us  not  into  temptation" 
seems  to  me  to  be  a  very  definite  request,  and  that 
the  new  rendering  turns  the  definite  request  into  a 
definite  assertion.  I  shall  be  glad  to  have  that 
turned  back  to  the  old  way  and  the  marks  of  the 
Spiral  Twist  removed,  or  varnished  over;  then  I 
shall  be  satisfied,  and  will  do  the  best  I  can  with 
what  is  left.  At  the  same  time,  I  do  feel  that  the 
shrinkage  in  our  spiritual  assets  is  getting  serious. 
First  the  Commandments,  now  the  Prayer.  I  never 
expected  to  see  these  steady  old  reliable  securities 
watered  down  to  this.  And  this  is  not  the  whole  of 
it.  Last  summer  the  Presbyterians  extended  the 
Calling  and  Election  suffrage  to  nearly  everybody 
entitled  to  salvation.  They  did  not  even  stop 
there,  but  let  out  all  the  unbaptized  American  in- 
fants we  had  been  accumulating  for  two  hundred 
years  and  more.  There  are  some  that  believe  they 
would  have  let  the  Scotch  ones  out,  too,  if  they 
could  have  done  it.  Everything  is  going  to  ruin; 
in  no  long  time  we  shall  have  nothing  left  but  the 
love  of  God. 

THE   NEW   UNPARDONABLE   SIN 

"Working  Against  the  Cause.  Sec.  2.  If  a  mem- 
ber of  this  Church  shall  work  against  the  accomplish- 

149 


MARK     TWAIN 

ment  of  what  the  Discoverer  and  Founder  of  Christian 
Science  understands  is  advantageous  to  the  individual, 
to  this  Church,  and  to  the  Cause  of  Christian  Sci- 
ence' ' — out  he  goes.    Forever, 

The  member  may  think  that  what  he  is  doing  will 
advance  the  Cause,  but  he  is  not  invited  to  do  any- 
thinking.  More  than  that,  he  is  not  permitted  to  do 
any — as  he  will  clearly  gather  from  this  By-law. 
When  a  person  joins  Mrs.  Eddy's  Church  he  must 
leave  his  thinker  at  home.  Leave  it  permanently. 
To  make  sure  that  it  will  not  go  off  some  time  or 
other  when  he  is  not  watching,  it  will  be  safest  for 
him  to  spike  it.  If  he  should  forget  himself  and 
think  just  once,  the  By-law  provides  that  he  shall 
be  fired  out — instantly — forever — no  return. 

It  shall  be  the  duty  of  this  Church  immediately  to  call  a 
meeting,  and  drop  forever  the  name  of  this  member  from  its  records. 

My,  but  it  breathes  a  towering  indignation ! 

There  are  forgivable  offenses,  but  this  is  not  one  of 
them;  there  are  admonitions,  probations,  suspen- 
sions, in  several  minor  cases;  mercy  is  shown  the 
derelict,  in  those  cases  he  is  gently  used,  and  in  time 
he  can  get  back  into  the  fold — even  when  he  has 
repeated  his  offense.  But  let  him  think,  just  once, 
without  getting  his  thinker  set  to  Eddy  time,  and 
that  is  enough;  his  head  comes  off.  There  is  no 
second  offense,  and  there  is  no  gate  open  to  that 
lost  sheep,  ever  again. 

This  rule  cannot  be  changed,  amended,  or  annulled,  except  by 
unanimous  vote  of  all  the  First  Members. 

150 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  same  being  Mrs.  Eddy.  It  is  naively  sly  and 
pretty  to  see  her  keep  putting  forward  First  Mem- 
bers, and  Boards  of  This  and  That,  and  other  broid- 
eries and  ruffles  of  her  raiment,  as  if  they  were  inde- 
pendent entities,  instead  of  a  part  of  her  clothes, 
and  could  do  things  all  by  themselves  when  she  was 
outside  of  them. 

Mrs.  Eddy  did  not  need  to  copyright  the  sentence 
just  quoted,  its  English  would  protect  it.  None  but 
she  would  have  shoveled  that  comically  superfluous 
"all"  in  there. 

The  former  Unpardonable  Sin  has  gone  out  of 
service.  We  may  frame  the  new  Christian  Science 
one  thus: 

"Whatsoever  Member  shall  think,  and  without 
Our  Mother's  permission  act  upon  his  think,  the 
same  shall  be  cut  off  from  the  Church  forever.' ' 

It  has  been  said  that  I  make  many  mistakes 
about  Christian  Science  through  being  ignorant  of 
the  spiritual  meanings  of  its  terminology.  I  believe 
it  is  true.  I  have  been  misled  all  this  time  by  that 
word  Member,  because  there  was  no  one  to  tell  me 
that  its  spiritual  meaning  was  Slave. 

AX   AND    BLOCK 

There  is  a  By-law  which  forbids  Members  to 
practise  hypnotism;  the  penalty  is  excommunica- 
tion. 

i.  If  a  member  is  found  to  be  a  mental  prac- 
titioner— 

2.  Complaint  is  to  be  entered  against  him — 

151 


MARK     TWAIN 

3.  By  the  Pastor  Emeritus,  and  by  none  else; 

4.  No  member  is  allowed  to  make  complaint  to 
her  in  the  matter; 

5.  Upon  Mrs.  Eddy's  mere  ll  complain  f — unbacked 
by  evidence  or  proof,  and  without  giving  the  accused  a 
chance  to  be  heard — "his  name  shall  be  dropped  from 
this  Church." 

Mrs.  Eddy  has  only  to  say  a  member  is  guilty — 
that  is  all.  That  ends  it.  It  is  not  a  case  of  he 
"may"  be  cut  off  from  Christian  Science  salvation, 
it  is  a  case  of  he  "shall"  be.  Her  serfs  must  see  to 
it,  and  not  say  a  word. 

Does  the  other  Pope  possess  this  prodigious  and 
irresponsible  power?     Certainly  not  in  our  day. 

Some  may  be  curious  to  know  how  Mrs.  Eddy 
finds  out  that  a  member  is  practising  hypnotism, 
since  no  one  is  allowed  to  come  before  her  throne 
and  accuse  him.  She  has  explained  this  in  Christian 
Science  History ,  first  and  second  editions,  page  16: 

I  possess  a  spiritual  sense  of  what  the  malicious  mental 
practitioner  is  mentally  arguing  which  cannot  be  deceived;  I  can 
discern  in  the  human  mind  thoughts,  motives,  and  purposes; 
and  neither  mental  arguments  nor  psychic  power  can  affect  this 
spiritual  insight. ' 

A  marvelous  woman;  with  a  hunger  for  power  such 
as  has  never  been  seen  in  the  world  before.  No 
thing,  little  or  big,  that  contains  any  seed  or  sug- 
gestion of  power  escapes  her  avaricious  eye;  and 
when  once  she  gets  that  eye  on  it,  her  remorseless 
grip  follows.  There  isn't  a  Christian  Scientist  who 
isn't  ecclesiastically  as  much  her  property  as  if  she 
had  bought  him  and  paid  for  him,  and  copyrighted 

152 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

him  and  got  a  charter.  She  cannot  be  satisfied  when 
she  has  handcuffed  a  member,  and  put  a  leg-chain 
and  ball  on  him  and  plugged  his  ears  and  removed 
his  thinker,  she  goes  on  wrapping  needless  chains 
round  and  round  him,  just  as  a  spider  would.  For 
she  trusts  no  one,  believes  in  no  one's  honesty, 
judges  every  one  by  herself.  Although  we  have 
seen  that  she  has  absolute  and  irresponsible  com- 
mand over  her  spectral  Boards  and  over  every 
official  and  servant  of  her  Church,  at  home  and 
abroad,  over  every  minute  detail  of  her  Church's 
government,  present  and  future,  and  can  purge  her 
membership  of  guilty  or  suspected  persons  by  vari- 
ous plausible  formalities  and  whenever  she  will,  she 
is  still  not  content,  but  must  set  her  queer  mind  to 
work  and  invent  a  way  by  which  she  can  take  a 
member — any  member — by  neck  and  crop  and  fling 
him  out  without  anything  resembling  a  formality 
at  all. 

She  is  sole  accuser  and  sole  witness,  and  her  testi- 
mony is  final  and  carries  uncompromising  and  irre- 
mediable doom  with  it. 

The  Sole- Witness  Court!  It  should  make  the 
Council  of  Ten  and  the  Council  of  Three  turn  in 
their  graves  for  shame,  to  see  how  little  they  knew 
about  satanic  concentrations  of  irresponsible  power. 
Here  we  have  one  Accuser,  one  Witness,  one  Judge, 
one  Headsman — and  all  four  bunched  together  in 
Mrs.  Eddy,  the  Inspired  of  God,  His  Latest  Thought 
to  His  People,  New  Member  of  the  Holy  Family,  the 
Equal  of  Jesus. 

When  a  Member  is  not  satisfactory  to  Mrs. 
ii  i53 


MARK    TWAIN 

Eddy,  and  yet  is  blameless  in  his  life  and  faultless 
in  his  membership  and  in  his  Christian  Science  walk 
and  conversation,  shall  he  hold  up  his  head  and  tilt 
his  hat  over  one  ear  and  imagine  himself  safe  because 
of  these  perfections?  Why,  in  that  very  moment 
Mrs.  Eddy  will  cast  that  spiritual  X-ray  of  hers 
through  his  dungarees  and  say: 

"I  see  his  hypnotism  working,  among  his  insides 
— remove  him  to  the  block !" 

What  shall  it  profit  him  to  know  it  isn't  so? 
Nothing.  His  testimony  is  of  no  value.  No  one 
wants  it,  no  one  will  ask  for  it.  He  is  not  present 
to  offer  it  (he  does  not  know  he  has  been  accused), 
and  if  he  were  there  to  offer  it,  it  would  not  be 
listened  to. 

It  was  out  of  powers  approaching  Mrs.  Eddy's — 
though  not  equaling  them  —  that  the  Inquisition 
and  the  devastations  of  the  Interdict  grew.  She 
will  transmit  hers.  The  man  born  two  centuries 
from  now  will  think  he  has  arrived  in  hell;  and  all 
in  good  time  he  will  think  he  knows  it.  Vast  con- 
centrations of  irresponsible  power  have  never  in 
any  age  been  used  mercifully,  and  there  is  nothing 
to  suggest  that  the  Christian  Science  Papacy  is 
going  to  spend  money  on  novelties. 

Several  Christian  Scientists  have  asked  me  to 
refrain  from  prophecy.  There  is  no  prophecy  in 
our  day  but  history.  But  history  is  a  trustworthy 
prophet.  History  is  always  repeating  itself,  be- 
cause conditions  are  always  repeating  themselves. 
Out  of  duplicated  conditions  history  always  gets  a 
duplicate  product. 

154 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

READING   LETTERS   AT  MEETINGS 

I  wonder  if  there  is  anything  a  Member  can  do 
that  will  not  raise  Mrs.  Eddy's  jealousy?  The  By- 
laws seem  to  hunt  him  from  pillar  to  post  all  the 
time,  and  turn  all  his  thoughts  and  acts  and  words 
into  sins  against  the  meek  and  lowly  new  deity  of 
his  worship.  Apparently  her  jealousy  never  sleeps. 
Apparently  any  trifle  can  offend  it,  and  but  one 
penalty  appease  it — excommunication.  The  By- 
laws might  properly  and  reasonably  be  entitled  Laws 
for  the  Coddling  and  Comforting  of  Our  Mother's 
Petty  Jealousies.  The  By-law  named  at  the  head 
of  this  paragraph  reads  its  transgressor  out  of  the 
Church  if  he  shall  carry  a  letter  from  Mrs.  Eddy  to 
the  congregation  and  forget  to  read  it  or  fail  to  read 
the  whole  of  it. 

HONESTY   REQUISITE 

Dishonest  members  are  to  be  admonished;  if  they 
continue  in  dishonest  practices,  excommunication 
follows.  Considering  who  it  is  that  drafted  this 
law,  there  is  a  certain  amount  of  humor  in  it. 

FURTHER   APPLICATIONS   OF   THE   AX 

Here  follow  the  titles  of  some  more  By-laws  whose 
infringement  is  punishable  by  excommunication: 
Silence  Enjoined. 
Misteaching. 
Departure  from  Tenets. 

i5S 


MARK     TWAIN 

Violation  of  Christian  Fellowship. 

Moral  Offenses. 

Illegal  Adoption. 

Broken  By-laws. 

Violation  of  By-laws.     (What  is  the  difference?) 

Formulas  Forbidden. 

Official  Advice.  (Forbids  Tom,  Dick,  and  Harry's 
clack.) 

Unworthy  of  Membership. 

Final  Excommunication. 

Organizing  Churches. 

This  looks  as  if  Mrs.  Eddy  had  devoted  a  large 
share  of  her  time  and  talent  to  inventing  ways  to 
get  rid  of  her  Church  members.  Yet  in  another 
place  she  seems  to  invite  membership.  Not  in  any 
urgent  way,  it  is  true,  still  she  throws  out  a  bait  to 
such  as  like  notice  and  distinction  (in  other  words, 
the  Human  Race).     Page  82: 

It  is  important  that  these  seemingly  strict  conditions  be 
complied  with,  as  the  names  of  the  Members  of  the  Mother  Church 
will  be  recorded  in  the  history  of  the  Church  and  become  a  part 
thereof. 

We  all  want  to  be  historical. 


MORE    SELF-PROTECTIONS 

The  Hymnal.  There  is  a  Christian  Science  Hymnal. 
Entrance  to  it  was  closed  in  1898.  Christian  Science 
students  who  make  hymns  nowadays  may  possibly 
get  them  sung  in  the  Mother  Church,  "but  not  un- 
less approved  by  the  Pastor  Emeritus"  Art.  XXVII, 
Sec.  2. 

156 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Solo  Singers.  Mrs.  Eddy  has  contributed  the 
words  of  three  of  the  hymns  in  the  Hymnal.  Two 
of  them  appear  in  it  six  times  altogether,  each  of 
them  being  set  to  three  original  forms  of  musical 
anguish.  Mrs.  Eddy,  always*  thoughtful,  has  pro- 
mulgated a  By-law  requiring  the  singing  of  one  of 
her  three  hymns  in  the  Mother  Church  "as  often 
as  once  each  month."  It  is  a  good  idea.  A  con- 
gregation could  get  tired  of  even  Mrs.  Eddy's  muse 
in  the  course  of  time,  without  the  cordializing  in- 
centive of  compulsion.  We  all  know  how  wearisome 
the  sweetest  and  touchingest  things  can  become, 
through  rep-rep-repetition,  and  still  rep-rep-repeti- 
tion, and  more  rep-rep-repetition — like  "the  sweet 
by  and  by,  in  the  sweet  by  and  by,"  for  instance, 
and  "Tah-rah-rah  boom-de-aye" ;  and  surely  it  is  not 
likely  that  Mrs.  Eddy's  machine  has  turned  out 
goods  that  could  outwear  those  great  heart-stirrers, 
without  the  assistance  of  the  lash.  "O'er  Waiting 
Harpstrings  of  the  Mind "  is  pretty  good,  quite  fair 
to  middling — the  whole  seven  of  the  stanzas — but 
repetition  would  be  certain  to  take  the  excitement 
out  of  it  in  the  course  of  time,  even  if  there  were 
fourteen,  and  then  it  would  sound  like  the  multi- 
plication-table, and  would  cease  to  save.  The  con- 
gregation would  be  perfectly  sure  to  get  tired;  in 
fact,  did  get  tired — hence  the  compulsory  By-law. 
It  is  a  measure  born  of  experience,  not  foresight. 

The  By-laws  say  that  "if  a  solo  singer  shall  neglect 
or  refuse  to  sing  alone"  one  of  those  three  hymns 
as  often  as  once  a  month,  and  oftener  if  so  directed 
by  the  Board  of  Directors — which  is  Mrs.  Eddy — 

i57 


MARK    TWAIN 

the  singer's  salary  shall  be  stopped.  It  is  circum- 
stantial evidence  that  some  soloists  neglected  this 
sacrament  and  others  refused  it.  At  least  that  is  the 
charitable  view  to  take  of  it.  There  is  only  one 
other  view  to  take :  that  Mrs.  Eddy  did  really  foresee 
that  there  would  be  singers  who  would  some  day 
get  tired  of  doing  her  hymns  and  proclaiming  the 
authorship,  unless  persuaded  by  a  By-law,  with  a 
penalty  attached.  The  idea  could  of  course  occur 
to  her  wise  head,  for  she  would  know  that  a  seven- 
stanza  break  might  well  be  a  calamitous  strain  upon 
a  soloist,  and  that  he  might  therefore  avoid  it  if 
unwatched.  He  could  not  curtail  it,  for  the  whole  of 
anything  that  Mrs.  Eddy  does  is  sacred,  and  cannot 
be  cut. 

BOARD    OF    EDUCATION 

It  consists  of  four  members,  one  of  whom  is 
President  of  it.  Its  members  are  elected  an- 
nually. Subject  to  Mrs.  Eddy's  approval.  Art, 
XXX,  Sec.  2. 

She  owns  the  Board — is  the  Board. 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  President  of  the  Metaphysical 
College.  If  at  any  time  she  shall  vacate  that 
office,  the  Directors  of  the  College  (that  is  to  say, 
Mrs.  Eddy)  "shall"  elect  to  the  vacancy  the  Presi- 
dent of  the  Board  of  Education  (which  is  merely 
re-electing  herself). 

It  is  another  case  of  " Pastor  Emeritus."  She 
gives  up  the  shadow  of  authority,  but  keeps  a  good 
firm  hold  on  the  substance. 

158 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

PUBLIC   TEACHERS 

Applicants  for  admission  to  this  industry  must 
pass  a  thorough  three  days'  examination  before  the 
Board  of  Education  "in  Science  and  Health,  chapter 
on  'Recapitulation';  the  Platform  of  Christian 
Science;  page  403  of  Christian  Science  Practice,  from 
line  second  to  the  second  paragraph  of  page  405; 
and  page  488,  second  and  third  paragraphs." 

BOARD    OF    LECTURESHIP 

The  lecturers  are  exceedingly  important  servants 
of  Mrs.  Eddy,  and  she  chooses  them  with  great 
care.  Each  of  them  has  an  appointed  territory  in 
which  to  perform  his  duties — in  the  North,  the 
South,  the  East,  the  West,  in  Canada,  in  Great 
Britain,  and  so  on — and  each  must  stick  to  his  own 
territory  and  not  forage  beyond  its  boundaries.  I 
think  it  goes  without  saying — from  what  we  have 
seen  of  Mrs.  Eddy — that  no  lecture  is  delivered  until 
she  has  examined  and  approved  it,  and  that  the 
lecturer  is  not  allowed  to  change  it  afterward. 

The  members  of  the  Board  of  Lectureship  are 
elected  annually — 

Subject  to  the  approval  of  Rev.  Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy. 
MISSIONARIES 

There  are  but  four.  They  are  elected — like  the 
rest  of  the  domestics — annually.     So  far  as  I  can 

i59 


MARK    TWAIN 

discover,  not  a  single  servant  of  the  Sacred  House- 
hold has  a  steady  job  except  Mrs.  Eddy.  It  is  plain 
that  she  trusts  no  human  being  but  herself. 

THE   BY-LAWS 

The  branch  Churches  are  strictly  forbidden  to  use 
them. 

So  far  as  I  can  see,  they  could  not  do  it  if  they 
wanted  to.  The  By-laws  are  merely  the  voice  of 
the  master  issuing  commands  to  the  servants. 
There  is  nothing  and  nobody  for  the  servants  to 
re-utter  them  to. 

That  useless  edict  is  repeated  in  the  little  book,  a 
few  pages  farther  on.  There  are  several  other  repeti- 
tions of  prohibitions  in  the  book  that  could  be  spared 
— they  only  take  up  room  for  nothing. 

THE   CREED 

It  is  copyrighted.  I  do  not  know  why,  but  I 
suppose  it  is  to  keep  adventurers  from  some  day 
claiming  that  they  invented  it,  and  not  Mrs.  Eddy 
and  that  "strange  Providence"  that  has  suggested 
so  many  clever  things  to  her. 

No  Change.  It  is  forbidden  to  change  the  Creed. 
That  is  important,  at  any  rate. 

COPYRIGHT 

I  can  understand  why  Mrs.  Eddy  copyrighted  the 
early  editions  and  revisions  of  Science  and  Health, 

1 60 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

and  why  she  had  a  mania  for  copyrighting  every 
scrap  of  every  sort  that  came  from  her  pen  in  those 
jejune  days  when  to  be  in  print  probably  seemed  a 
wonderful  distinction  to  her  in  her  provincial  ob- 
scurity, but  why  she  should  continue  this  delirium 
in  these  days  of  her  godship  and  her  far-spread  fame, 
I  cannot  explain  to  myself.  And  particularly  as  re- 
gards Science  and  Health.  She  knows,  now,  that  that 
Annex  is  going  to  live  for  many  centuries;  and  so, 
what  good  is  a  fleeting  forty-two-year  copyright 
going  to  do  it? 

Now  a  perpetual  copyright  would  be  quite  another 
matter.  I  would  like  to  give  her  a  hint.  Let  her 
strike  for  a  perpetual  copyright  on  that  book.  There 
is  precedent  for  it.  There  is  one  book  in  the  world 
which  bears  the  charmed  life  of  perpetual  copyright 
(a  fact  not  known  to  twenty  people  in  the  world). 
By  a  hardy  perversion  of  privilege  on  the  part  of  the 
law-making  power  the  Bible  has  perpetual  copy- 
right in  Great  Britain.  There  is  no  justification  for 
it  in  fairness,  and  no  explanation  of  it  except  that 
the  Church  is  strong  enough  there  to  have  its  way, 
right  or  wrong.  The  recent  Revised  Version  enjoys 
perpetual  copyright,  too — a  stronger  precedent, 
even,  than  the  other  one. 

Now,  then,  what  is  the  Annex  but  a  Revised  Ver- 
sion itself?  Which  of  course  it  is — Lord's  Prayer 
and  all.  With  that  pair  of  formidable  British  prec- 
edents to  proceed  upon,  what  Congress  of  ours — 

But  how  short-sighted  I  am!  Mrs.  Eddy  has 
thought  of  it  long  ago.  She  thinks  of  everything. 
She  knows  she  has  only  to  keep  her  copyright  of 

161 


MARK    TWAIN 

1902  alive  through  its  first  stage  of  twenty-eight 
years,  and  perpetuity  is  assured.  A  Christian 
Science  Congress  will  reign  in  the  Capitol  then. 
She  probably  attaches  small  value  to  the  first 
edition  (1875).  Although  it  was  a  Revelation  from 
on  high,  it  was  slim,  lank,  incomplete,  padded  with 
bales  of  refuse  rags,  and  puffs  from  lassoed  celebrities 
to  fill  it  out,  an  uncreditable  book,  a  book  easily 
sparable,  a  book  not  to  be  mentioned  in  the  same 
year  with  the  sleek,  fat,  concise,  compact,  com- 
pressed, and  competent  Annex  of  to-day,  in  its 
dainty  flexible  covers,  gilt  edges,  rounded  corners, 
twin  screw,  spiral  twist,  compensation  balance, 
Testament  counterfeit,  and  all  that;  a  book  just 
born  to  curl  up  on  the  hymn-book  shelf  in  church 
and  look  just  too  sweet  and  holy  for  anything. 
Yes,  I  see  now  what  she  was  copyrighting  that  child 
for. 

CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE    PUBLISHING   ASSOCIATION 

It  is  true — in  matters  of  business  Mrs.  Eddy 
thinks  of  everything.  She  thought  of  an  organ,  to 
disseminate  the  Truth  as  it  was  in  Mrs.  Eddy. 
Straightway  she  started  one — the  Christian  Science 
Journal. 

It  is  true — in  matters  of  business  Mrs.  Eddy 
thinks  of  everything.  As  soon  as  she  had  got  the 
Christian  Science  Journal  sufficiently  in  debt  to 
make  its  presence  on  the  premises  disagreeable 
to  her,  it  occurred  to  her  to  make  somebody  a 
present  of  it.     Which  she  did,  along  with  its  debts. 

162 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

It  was  in  the  summer  of  1889.  The  victim  selected 
was  her  Church — called,  in  those  days,  The  National 
Christian  Scientist  Association. 

She  delivered  this  sorrow  to  those  lambs  as  a 
"gift"  in  consideration  of  their  "loyalty  to  our 
great  cause." 

Also — still  thinking  of  everything — she  told  them 
to  retain  Mr.  Bailey  in  the  editorship  and  make 
Mr.  Nixon  publisher.  We  do  not  know  what  it  was 
she  had  against  those  men;  neither  do  we  know 
whether  she  scored  on  Bailey  or  not,  we  only  know 
that  God  protected  Nixon,  and  for  that  I  am  sincerely 
glad,  although  I  do  not  know  Nixon  and  have  never 
even  seen  him. 

Nixon  took  the  Journal  and  the  rest  of  the  Pub- 
lishing Society's  liabilities,  and  demonstrated  over 
them  during  three  years,  then  brought  in  his  report : 

"On  assuming  my  duties  as  publisher,  there  was 
not  a  dollar  in  the  treasury;  but  on  the  contrary 
the  Society  owed  unpaid  printing  and  paper  bills 
to  the  amount  of  several  hundred  dollars,  not  to 
mention  a  contingent  liability  of  many  more  hun- 
dreds"— represented  by  advance  subscriptions  paid 
for  the  Journal  and  the  "Series,"  the  which  goods 
Mrs.  Eddy  had  not  delivered.  And  couldn't,  very 
well,  perhaps,  on  a  Metaphysical  College  income  of 
but  a  few  thousand  dollars  a  day,  or  a  week,  or 
whatever  it  was  in  those  magnificently  flourishing 
times.  The  struggling  Journal  had  swallowed  up 
those  advance  payments,  but  its  "claim"  was  a 
severe  one  and  they  had  failed  to  cure  it.  But 
Nixon  cured  it  in  his  diligent  three  years,  and  joy- 

163 


MARK     TWAIN 

ously  reported  the  news  that  he  had  cleared  off  all 
the  debts  and  now  had  a  fat  six  thousand  dollars  in 
the  bank. 

It  made  Mrs.  Eddy's  mouth  water. 

At  the  time  that  Mrs.  Eddy  had  unloaded  that 
dismal  gift  on  to  her  National  Association,  she  had 
followed  her  inveterate  custom:  she  had  tied  a 
string  to  its  hind  leg,  and  kept  one  end  of  it  hitched 
to  her  belt.  We  have  seen  her  do  that  in  the  case 
of  the  Boston  Mosque.  When  she  deeds  property, 
she  puts  in  that  string  clause.  It  provides  that 
under  certain  conditions  she  can  pull  the  string  and 
land  the  property  in  the  cherished  home  of  its  happy 
youth.  In  the  present  case  she  believed  that  she 
had  made  provision  that  if  at  any  time  the  National 
Christian  Scientist  Association  should  dissolve  itself 
by  a  formal  vote,  she  could  pull. 

A  year  after  Nixon's  handsome  report,  she  writes 
the  Association  that  she  has  a  "unique  request  to 
lay  before  it."  It  has  dissolved,  and  she  is  not  quite 
sure  that  the  Christian  Science  Journal  has  ' '  already 
fallen  into  her  hands  "  by  that  act,  though  it ' '  seems  " 
to  her  to  have  met  with  that  accident ;  so  she  would 
like  to  have  the  matter  decided  by  a  formal  vote. 
But  whether  there  is  a  doubt  or  not,  "I  see  the  wis- 
dom," she  says,  "of  again  owning  this  Christian 
Science  waif." 

I  think  that  that  is  unassailable  evidence  that  the 
waif  was  making  money,  hands  down. 

She  pulled  her  gift  in.  A  few  years  later  she 
donated  the  Publishing  Society,  along  with  its  real 
estate,  its  buildings,  its  plant,  its  publications,  and 

164 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

its  money — the  whole  worth  twenty-two  thousand 
dollars,  and  free  of  debt — to — 

Well,  to  the  Mother  Church! 

That  is  to  say,  to  herself.  There  is  an  account 
of  it  in  the  Christian  Science  Journal,  and  of  how  she 
had  already  made  some  other  handsome  gifts — to 
her  Church — and  others  to — to  her  Cause — besides 
"an  almost  countless  number  of  private  charities" 
of  cloudy  amount  and  otherwise  indefinite.  This 
landslide  of  generosities  overwhelmed  one  of  her 
literary  domestics.  While  he  was  in  that  condition 
he  tried  to  express  what  he  felt: 

Let  us  endeavor  to  lift   up   our  hearts   in   thankfulness  to 
.  .  .  our  Mother  in  Israel  for  these  evidences  of  generosity  and 
self-sacrifice  that  appeal  to  our  deepest  sense  of  gratitude,  even 
while  surpassing  our  comprehension. 

A  year  or  two  later,  Mrs.  Eddy  promulgated  some 
By-laws  of  a  self-sacrificing  sort  which  assuaged 
him,  perhaps,  and  perhaps  enabled  his  surpassed 
comprehension  to  make  a  sprint  and  catch  up. 
These  are  to  be  found  in  Art.  XII,  entitled 

THE    CHRISTIAN   SCIENCE   PUBLISHING   SOCIETY 

This  Article  puts  the  whole  publishing  business 
into  the  hands  of  a  publishing  Board — special.  Mrs. 
Eddy  appoints  to  its  vacancies. 

The  profits  go  semi-annually  to  the  Treasurer  of 
the  Mother  Church.     Mrs.  Eddy  owns  the  Treasurer. 

Editors  and  publishers  of  the  Christian  Science 
Journal  cannot  be  elected  or  removed  without  Mrs. 
Eddy's  knowledge  and  consent. 

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MARK     TWAIN 

Every  candidate  for  employment  in  a  high  ca- 
pacity or  a  low  one,  on  the  other  periodicals  or  in 
the  publishing-house,  must  first  be  "accepted  by  Mrs. 
Eddy  as  suitable.1'  And  "by  the  Board  of  Di- 
rectors''— which  is  surplusage,  since  Mrs.  Eddy 
owns  the  Board. 

If  at  any  time  a  weekly  shall  be  started,  "it  shall 
be  owned  by  The  First  Church  oj  Christ,  Scientist1' — 
which  is  Mrs.  Eddy. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

1  THINK  that  any  one  who  will  carefully  ex- 
amine the  By-laws  (I  have  placed  all  of  the  im- 
portant ones  before  the  reader),  will  arrive  at  the 
conclusion  that  of  late  years  the  master-passion  in 
Mrs.  Eddy's  heart  is  a  hunger  for  power  and  glory; 
and  that  while  her  hunger  for  money  still  remains, 
she  wants  it  now  for  the  expansion  and  extension  it 
can  furnish  to  that  power  and  glory,  rather  than 
what  it  can  do  for  her  toward  satisfying  minor  and 
meaner  ambitions. 

I  wish  to  enlarge  a  little  upon  this  matter.  I 
think  it  is  quite  clear  that  the  reason  why  Mrs. 
Eddy  has  concentrated  in  herself  all  powers,  all  dis- 
tinctions, all  revenues  that  are  within  the  command 
of  the  Christian  Science  Church  Universal  is  that  she 
desires  and  intends  to  devote  them  to  the  purpose 
just  suggested — the  upbuilding  of  her  personal  glory 
— hers,  and  no  one  else's;  that,  and  the  continuing 
of  her  name's  glory  after  she  shall  have  passed  away. 
If  she  has  overlooked  a  single  power,  Jwwsoever  minute •, 
I  cannot  discover  it.  If  she  has  found  one,  large  or 
small,  which  she  has  not  seized  and  made  her  own, 
there  is  no  record  of  it,  no  trace  of  it.  In  her  foragings 
and  depredations  she  usually  puts  forward  the 
Mother  Church — a  lay  figure — and  hides  behind  it. 

167 


MARK     TWAIN 

Whereas,  she  is  in  manifest  reality  the  Mother 
Church  herself.  It  has  an  impressive  array  of 
officials,  and  committees,  and  Boards  of  Direction, 
of  Education,  of  Lectureship,  and  so  on — geldings, 
every  one,  shadows,  specters,  apparitions,  wax- 
figures:  she  is  supreme  over  them  all,  she  can  abol- 
ish them  when  she  will;  blow  them  out  as  she  would 
a  candle.  She  is  herself  the  Mother  Church.  Now 
there  is  one  By-law  which  says  that  the  Mother  Church 
shall  be  officially  controlled  by  no  other  church. 

That  does  not  surprise  us — we  know  by  the  rest 
of  the  By-laws  that  that  is  a  quite  irrelevant  remark. 
Yet  we  do  vaguely  and  hazily  wonder  why  she  takes 
the  trouble  to  say  it;  why  she  wastes  the  words; 
what  her  object  can  be — seeing  that  that  emergency 
has  been  in  so  many,  many  ways,  and  so  effectively 
and  drastically  barred  off  and  made  impossible.  Then 
presently  the  object  begins  to  dawn  upon  us.  That 
is,  it  does  after  we  have  read  the  rest  of  the  By- 
law three  or  four  times,  wondering  and  admiring 
to  see  Mrs.  Eddy — Mrs.  Eddy — Mrs.  Eddy,  of  all 
persons — throwing  away  power! — making  a  fair  ex- 
change^— doing  a  fair  thing  for  once — more,  an  almost 
generous  thing!  Then  we  look  it  through  yet  once 
more — unsatisfied,  a  little  suspicious — and  find  that 
it  is  nothing  but  a  sly,  thin  make-believe,  and  that 
even  the  very  title  of  it  is  a  sarcasm  and  embodies  a 
falsehood — ' '  self '  '-government : 

Local  Self -Government.  The  First  Church  of  Christ,  Scien- 
tist, in  Boston,  Massachusetts,  shall  assume  no  official  control 
of  other  churches  of  this  denomination.  It  shall  be  officially 
controlled  by  no  other  church. 

168 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

It  has  a  most  pious  and  deceptive  give-and-take 
air  of  perfect  fairness,  unselfishness,  magnanimity — 
almost  godliness,  indeed.    But  it  is  all  art. 

In  the  By-laws,  Mrs.  Eddy,  speaking  by  the  mouth 
of  her  other  self,  the  Mother  Church,  proclaims 
that  she  will  assume  no  official  control  of  other 
churches — branch  churches.  We  examine  the  other 
By-laws,  and  they  answer  some  important  questions 
for  us : 

i.  What  is  a  branch  Church?  It  is  a  body  of 
Christian  Scientists,  organized  in  the  one  and  only 
permissible  way — by  a  member,  in  good  standing,  of 
the  Mother  Church,  and  who  is  also  a  pupil  of  one 
of  Mrs.  Eddy's  accredited  students.  That  is  to  say, 
one  of  her  properties.  No  other  can  do  it.  There 
are  other  indispensable  requisites;    what  are  they? 

2.  The  new  Church  cannot  enter  upon  its  func- 
tions until  its  members  have  individually  signed, 
and  pledged  allegiance  to,  a  Creed  furnished  by  Mrs. 
Eddy. 

3.  They  are  obliged  to  study  her  books,  and  order 
their  lives  by  them.  And  they  must  read  no  outside 
religious  works. 

4.  They  must  sing  the  hymns  and  pray  the  prayers 
provided  by  hery  and  use  no  others  in  the  services, 
except  by  her  permission. 

5.  They  cannot  have  preachers  and  pastors.  Her 
law. 

6.  In  their  Church  they  must  have  two  Readers — 
a  man  and  a  woman. 

7.  They  must  read  the  services  framed  and  ap- 
pointed by  her. 

12  l69 


MARK     TWAIN 

8.  She — not  the  branch  Church — appoints  those 
Readers. 

9.  She — not  the  branch  Church — dismisses  them 
and  fills  the  vacancies. 

10.  She  can  do  this  without  consulting  the  branch 
Church,  and  without  explaining. 

11.  The  branch  Church  can  have  a  religious  lec- 
ture from  time  to  time.  By  applying  to  Mrs.  Eddy. 
There  is  no  other  way. 

12.  But  the  branch  Church  cannot  select  the 
lecturer.    Mrs.  Eddy  does  it. 

13.  The  branch  Church  pays  his  fee. 

14.  The  harnessing  of  all  Christian  Science  wed- 
ding-teams, members  of  the  branch  Church,  must 
be  done  by  duly  authorized  and  consecrated  Chris- 
tian Science  functionaries.  Her  factory  is  the  only 
one  that  makes  and  licenses  them. 

[15.  Nothing  is  said  about  christenings.  It  is 
inferable  from  this  that  a  Christian  Science  child  is 
born  a  Christian  Scientist  and  requires  no  tinkering. 

[16.  Nothing  is  said  about  funerals.  It  is  infer- 
able, then,  that  a  branch  Church  is  privileged  to  do 
in  that  matter  as  it  may  choose.] 

To  sum  up.  Are  any  important  Church  functions 
absent  from  the  list?  I  cannot  call  any  to  mind. 
Are  there  any  lacking  ones  whose  exercise  could 
make  the  branch  in  any  noticeable  way  independent 
of  the  Mother  Church? — even  in  any  trifling  degree? 
I  think  of  none.  If  the  named  functions  were 
abolished  would  there  still  be  a  Church  left?  Would 
there  be  even  a  shadow  of  a  Church  left?  Would 
there  be  anything  at  all  left? — even  the  bare  name? 

170 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Manifestly  not.  There  isn't  a  single  vital  and 
essential  Church  function  of  any  kind  that  is  not 
named  in  the  list.  And  over  every  one  of  them  the 
Mother  Church  has  permanent  and  unchallengeable 
control,  upon  every  one  of  them  Mrs.  Eddy  has  set 
her  irremovable  grip.  She  holds,  in  perpetuity, 
autocratic  and  indisputable  sovereignty  and  control  over 
every  branch  Church  in  the  earth;  and  yet  says,  in 
that  sugary,  naive,  angel-beguiling  way  of  hers,  that 
the  Mother  Church 

shall  assume  no  official  control  of  other  churches  of  this  de- 
nomination. 

Whereas  in  truth  the  unmeddled-with  liberties  of 
a  branch  Christian  Science  Church  are  but  very, 
very  few  in  number,  and  are  these: 

i.  It  can  appoint  its  own  furnace-stoker,  winters. 

2.  It  can  appoint  its  own  fan-distributers,  sum- 
mers. 

3.  It  can,  in  accordance  with  its  own  choice  in 
the  matter,  burn,  bury,  or  preserve  members  who 
are  pretending  to  be  dead — whereas  there  is  no  such 
thing  as  death. 

4.  It  can  take  up  a  collection. 

The  branch  Churches  have  no  important  lib- 
erties, none  that  give  them  an  important  voice 
in  their  own  affairs.  Those  are  all  locked  up, 
and  Mrs.  Eddy  has  the  key.  "Local  Self -Gov- 
ernment" is  a  large  name  and  sounds  well; 
but  the  branch  Churches  have  no  more  of  it 
than  have  the  privates  in  the  King  of  Dahomey's 
army. 

171 


a 


MARK     TWAIN 


MOTHER  CHURCH   UNIQUE 


Mrs.  Eddy,  with  an  envious  and  admiring  eye 
upon  the  solitary  and  rivalless  and  world-shadowing 
majesty  of  St.  Peter's,  reveals  in  her  By-laws  her 
purpose  to  set  the  Mother  Church  apart  by  itself 
in  a  stately  seclusion  and  make  it  duplicate  that  lone 
sublimity  under  the  Western  sky.  The  By-law 
headed  "Mother  Church  Unique"  says: 

In  its  relation  to  other  Christian  Science  churches,  the 
Mother  Church  stands  alone. 

It  occupies  a  position  that  no  other  Church  can  fill. 

Then  for  a  branch  Church  to  assume  such  position  would 
be  disastrous  to  Christian  Science. 

Therefore — 

Therefore  no  branch  Church  is  allowed  to  have 
branches.  There  shall  be  no  Christian  Science  St. 
Peter's  in  the  earth  but  just  one — the  Mother  Church 
in  Boston. 

"no  first  members" 

But  for  the  thoughtful  By-law  thus  entitled,  every 
Science  branch  in  the  earth  would  imitate  the 
Mother  Church  and  set  up  an  aristocracy.  Every 
little  group  of  ground-floor  Smiths  and  Furgusons 
and  Shadwells  and  Simpsons  that  organized  a  branch 
would  assume  that  great  title,  of  "First  Members," 
along  with  its  vast  privileges  of  "  discussing "  the 
weather  and  casting  blank  ballots,  and  soon  there 
would  be  such  a  locust-plague  of  them  burdening  the 
globe  that  the  title  would  lose  its  value  and  have  to 
be  abolished. 

172 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

But  where  business  and  glory  are  concerned,  Mrs. 
Eddy  thinks  of  everything,  and  so  she  did  not  fail 
to  take  care  of  her  Aborigines,  her  stately  and 
exclusive  One  Hundred,  her  college  of  functionless 
cardinals,  her  Sanhedrin  of  Privileged  Talkers  (Lim- 
ited). After  taking  away  all  the  liberties  of  the 
branch  Churches,  and  in  the  same  breath  disclaiming 
all  official  control  over  their  affairs,  she  smites  them 
on  the  mouth  with  this — the  very  mouth  that  was 
watering  for  those  nobby  ground-floor  honors — 

No  First  Members.  Branch  Churches  shall  not  organize  with 
First  Members,  that  special  method  of  organization  being 
adapted  to  the  Mother  Church  alone. 

And  so,  first  members  being  prohibited,  we  pierce 
through  the  cloud  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  English  and  per- 
ceive that  they  must  then  necessarily  organize  with 
Subsequent  Members.  There  is  no  other  way.  It 
will  occur  to  them  by  and  by  to  found  an  aristocracy 
of  Early  Subsequent  Members.  There  is  no  By-law 
against  it. 

"THE" 

I  uncover  to  that  imperial  word.  And  to  the 
mind,  too,  that  conceived  the  idea  of  seizing  and 
monopolizing  it  as  a  title.  I  believe  it  is  Mrs. 
Eddy's  dazzlingest  invention.  For  show,  and  style, 
and  grandeur,  and  thunder  and  lightning  and  fire- 
works it  outclasses  all  the  previous  inventions  of 
man,  and  raises  the  limit  on  the  Pope.  He  can  never 
put  his  avid  hand  on  that  word  of  words — it  is 
pre-empted.     And  copyrighted,  of  course.     It  lifts 

i73 


MARK     TWAIN 

the  Mother  Church  away  up  in  the  sky,  and  fellow- 
ships it  with  the  rare  and  select  and  exclusive  little 
company  of  the  THE'S  of  deathless  glory — persons 
and  things  whereof  history  and  the  ages  could  fur- 
nish only  single  examples,  not  two:  the  Saviour,  the 
Virgin,  the  Milky  Way,  the  Bible,  the  Earth,  the 
Equator,  the  Devil,  the  Missing  Link — and  now 
The  First  Church,  Scientist.  And  by  clamor  of 
edict  and  By-law  Mrs.  Eddy  gives  personal  notice 
to  all  branch  Scientist  Churches  on  this  planet  to 
leave  that  THE  alone. 

She  has  demonstrated  over  it  and  made  it  sacred 
to  the  Mother  Church: 

The  article  "The"  must  not  be  used  before  the  titles  of  branch 
Churches — 

Nor  written  on  applications  for  membership  in  naming  such 
churches. 

Those  are  the  terms.  There  can  and  will  be  a 
million  First  Churches  of  Christ,  Scientist,  scattered 
over  the  world,  in  a  million  towns  and  villages  and 
hamlets  and  cities,  and  each  may  call  itself  (sup- 
pressing the  article),  "First  Church  of  Christ, 
Scientist" — it  is  permissible,  and  no  harm;  but  there 
is  only  one  The  Church  of  Christ,  Scientist,  and  there 
will  never  be  another.  And  whether  that  great  word 
fall  in  the  middle  of  a  sentence  or  at  the  beginning 
of  it,  it  must  always  have  its  capital  T. 

I  do  not  suppose  that  a  juvenile  passion  for  fussy 
little  worldly  shows  and  vanities  can  furnish  a  match 
to  this,  anywhere  in  the  history  of  the  nursery.  Mrs. 
Eddy  does  seem  to  be  a  shade  fonder  of  little  special 

i74 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

distinctions  and  pomps  than  is  usual  with  human 
beings. 

She  instituted  that  immodest  "The"  with  her  own 
hand;  she  did  not  wait  for  somebody  else  to  think 
of  it. 

A    LIFE-TERM   MONOPOLY 

There  is  but  one  human  Pastor  in  the  whole 
Christian  Science  world;  she  reserves  that  exalted 
place  to  herself. 

A   PERPETUAL   ONE 

There  is  but  one  other  object  in  the  whole  Christian 
Science  world  honored  with  that  title  and  holding 
that  office :  it  is  her  book,  the  Annex — permanent  Pas- 
tor of  The  First  Churchy  and  of  all  branch  Churches. 

With  her  own  hand  she  drafted  the  By-laws 
which  make  her  the  only  really  absolute  sovereign 
that  lives  to-day  in  Christendom.1 

She  does  not  allow  any  objectionable  pictures  to 
be  exhibited  in  the  room  where  her  book  is  sold,  nor 
any  indulgence  in  idle  gossip  there;  and  from  the 
general  look  of  that  By-law  I  judge  that  a  lightsome 
and  improper  person  can  be  as  uncomfortable  in  that 
place  as  he  could  be  in  heaven. 

THE  SANCTUM  SANCTORUM  AND  SACRED  CHAIR 

In  a  room  in  The  First  Church  of  Christ,  Scientist, 
there  is  a  museum  of  objects  which  have  attained 

1  Even  that  ideal  representative  of  irresponsible  power,  the  General 
of  the  Jesuits,  is  not  in  the  running  with  Mrs.  Eddy.  He  is  authen- 
tically described  as  follows: 

175 


MARK     TWAIN 

to  holiness  through  contact  with  Mrs.  Eddy — among 
them  an  electrically  lighted  oil-picture  of  a  chair 
which  she  used  to  sit  in — and  disciples  from  all  about 
the  world  go  softly  in  there,  in  restricted  groups, 
under  proper  guard,  and  reverently  gaze  upon  those 
relics.  It  is  worship.  Mrs.  Eddy  could  stop  it  if 
she  was  not  fond  of  it,  for  her  sovereignty  over  that 
temple  is  supreme. 

The  fitting-up  of  that  place  as  a  shrine  is  not  an 
accident,  nor  a  casual,  unweighed  idea;  it  is  imitated 
from  age-old  religious  custom.  In  Treves  the  pil- 
grim reverently  gazes  upon  the  Seamless  Robe,  and 
humbly  worships;  and  does  the  same  in  that  other 
continental  church  where  they  keep  a  duplicate ;  and 
does  likewise  in  the  Church  of  the  Holy  Sepulcher, 
in  Jerusalem,  where  memorials  of  the  Crucifixion  are 
preserved;  and  now,  by  good  fortune  we  have  our 
Holy  Chair  and  things,  and  a  market  for  our  adora- 
tions nearer  home. 

But  is  there  not  a  detail  that  is  new,  fresh,  original  ? 
Yes,  whatever  old  thing  Mrs.  Eddy  touches  gets 
something  new  by  the  contact — something  not 
thought  of  before  by  any  one — something  original, 
all  her  own,  and  copyrightable.  The  new  feature 
is  self-worship — exhibited  in  permitting  this  shrine 

"The  Society  of  Jesus  has  really  but  one  head,  the  General.  He 
must  be  a  professed  Jesuit  of  the  four  vows,  and  it  is  the  professed 
Jesuits  of  the  four  vows  only  who  take  part  in  his  election,  which 
is  by  secret  ballot.  He  has  four  'assistants'  to  help  him,  and  an 
'admonisher,'  elected  in  the  same  way  as  himself ,  to  keep  him  in, 
or,  if  need  be,  to  bring  him  back  to  the  right  path.  The  electors 
of  the  General  have  the  right  of  deposing  him  if  he  is  guilty  of  a 
serious  fault." 

i76 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

to  be  installed  during  her  lifetime,  and  winking  her 
sacred  eye  at  it. 

A  prominent  Christian  Scientist  has  assured  me 
that  the  Scientists  do  not  worship  Mrs.  Eddy,  and 
I  think  it  likely  that  there  may  be  five  or  six  of  the 
cult  in  the  world  who  do  not  worship  her;  but  she 
herself  is  certainly  not  of  that  company.  Any 
healthy-minded  person  who  will  examine  Mrs.  Eddy's 
little  Autobiography  and  the  Manual  of  By-laws 
written  by  her  will  be  convinced  that  she  worships 
herself;  and  that  she  brings  to  this  service  a  fervor 
of  devotion  surpassing  even  that  which  she  formerly 
laid  at  the  feet  of  the  Dollar,  and  equaling  any  which 
rises  to  the  Throne  of  Grace  from  any  quarter. 

I  think  this  is  as  good  a  place  as  any  to  salve  a 
hurt  which  I  was  the  means  of  inflicting  upon  a 
Christian  Scientist  lately.  The  first  third  of  this 
book  was  written  in  1899  in  Vienna.  Until  last  sum- 
mer I  had  supposed  that  that  third  had  been  printed 
in  a  book  which  I  published  about  a  year  later — a 
hap  which  had  not  happened.  I  then  sent  the 
chapters  composing  it  to  the  North  American  Review, 
but  failed,  in  one  instance,  to  date  them.  And  so, 
in  an  undated  chapter  I  said  a  lady  told  me  "last 
night"  so  and  so.  There  was  nothing  to  indicate  to 
the  reader  that  that  "last  night"  was  several  years' 
old,  therefore  the  phrase  seemed  to  refer  to  a  night 
of  very  recent  date.  What  the  lady  had  told  me 
was,  that  in  a  part  of  the  Mother  Church  in  Boston 
she  had  seen  Scientists  worshiping  a  portrait  of 
Mrs.  Eddy  before  which  a  light  was  kept  constantly 
burning. 

177 


MARK     TWAIN 

A  Scientist  came  to  me  and  wished  me  to  retract 
that  "untruth."  He  said  there  was  no  such  por- 
trait, and  that  if  I  wanted  to  be  sure  of  it  I  could 
go  to  Boston  and  see  for  myself.  I  explained  that 
my  "last  night"  meant  a  good  while  ago;  that  I 
did  not  doubt  his  assertion  that  there  was  no  such 
portrait  there  now,  but  that  I  should  continue  to 
believe  it  had  been  there  at  the  time  of  the  lady's 
visit  until  she  should  retract  her  statement  herself. 
I  was  at  no  time  vouching  for  the  truth  of  the 
remark,  nevertheless  I  considered  it  worth  par. 

And  yet  I  am  sorry  the  lady  told  me,  since  a 
wound  which  brings  me  no  happiness  has  resulted. 
I  am  most  willing  to  apply  such  salve  as  I  can.  The 
best  way  to  set  the  matter  right  and  make  every- 
thing pleasant  and  agreeable  all  around  will  be  to 
print  in  this  place  a  description  of  the  shrine  as  it 
appeared  to  a  recent  visitor,  Mr.  Frederick  W.  Pea- 
body,  of  Boston.  I  will  copy  his  newspaper  account, 
and  the  reader  will  see  that  Mrs.  Eddy's  portrait  is 
not  there  now : 

We  lately  stood  on  the  threshold  of  the  Holy  of  Holies  of 
the  Mother  Church,  and  with  a  crowd  of  worshipers  patiently 
waited  for  admittance  to  the  hallowed  precincts  of  the  "Mother's 
Room."  Over  the  doorway  was  a  sign  informing  us  that  but 
four  persons  at  a  time  would  be  admitted;  that  they  would  be 
permitted  to  remain  but  five  minutes  only,  and  would  please 
retire  from  the  " Mother's  Room"  at  the  ringing  of  the  bell. 
Entering  with  three  of  the  faithful,  we  looked  with  profane  eyes 
upon  the  consecrated  furnishings.  A  show-woman  in  attendance 
monotonously  announced  the  character  of  the  different  ap- 
pointments. Set  in  a  recess  of  the  wall  and  illumined  with 
electric  light  was  an  oil-painting  the  show-woman  seriously 
declared  to  be  a  lifelike  and  realistic  picture  of  the  Chair  in 

i78 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

which  the  Mother  sat  when  she  composed  her  "  inspired  "  work. 
It  was  a  picture  of  an  old-fashioned,  country,  haircloth  rocking- 
chair,  and  an  exceedingly  commonplace-looking  table  with  a 
pile  of  manuscript,  an  ink-bottle,  and  pen  conspicuously  upon 
it.  On  the  floor  were  sheets  of  manuscript.  "  The  mantelpiece 
is  of  pure  onyx,"  continued  the  show-woman,  "[and  the  beehive 
upon  the  window-sill  is  made  from  one  solid  block  of  onyx;  the 
rug  is  made  of  a  hundred  breasts  of  eider-down  ducks,  and  the 
toilet-room  you  see  in  the  corner  is  of  the  latest  design,  with 
gold-plated  drain-pipes;  the  painted  windows  are  from  the 
Mother's  poem,  'Christ  and  Christmas,'  and  that  case  con- 
tains complete  copies  of  all  the  Mother's  books."  The  chairs 
upon  which  the  sacred  person  of  the  Mother  had  reposed  were 
protected  from  sacrilegious  touch  by  a  broad  band  of  satin 
ribbon.  My  companions  expressed  their  admiration  in  subdued 
and  reverent  tones,  and  at  the  tinkling  of  the  bell  we  reverently 
tiptoed  out  of  the  room  to  admit  another  delegation  of  the 
patient  waiters  at  the  door. 

Now,  then,  I  hope  the  wound  is  healed.  I  am 
willing  to  relinquish  the  portrait,  and  compromise 
on  the  Chair.  At  the  same  time,  if  I  were  going  to 
worship  either,  I  should  not  choose  the  Chair. 

As  a  picturesquely  and  persistently  interesting 
personage,  there  is  no  mate  to  Mrs.  Eddy,  the 
accepted  Equal  of  the  Saviour.  But  some  of  her 
tastes  are  so  different  from  His!  I  find  it  quite  im- 
possible to  imagine  Him,  in  life,  standing  sponsor 
for  that  museum  there,  and  taking  pleasure  in  its 
sumptuous  shows.  I  believe  He  would  put  that 
Chair  in  the  fire,  and  the  bell  along  with  it;  and  I 
think  He  would  make  the  show-woman  go  away. 
I  think  He  would  break  those  electric  bulbs,  and  the 
"mantelpiece  of  pure  onyx,"  and  say  reproachful 
things  about  the  golden  drain-pipes  of  the  lavatory, 
and  give  the  costly  rug  of  duck-breasts  to  the  poor, 

179 


MARK     TWAIN 

and  sever  the  satin  ribbon  and  invite  the  weary  to 
rest  and  ease  their  aches  in  the  consecrated  chairs. 
What  He  would  do  with  the  painted  windows  we  can 
better  conjecture  when  we  come  presently  to  examine 
their  peculiarities. 

THE    CHRISTIAN   SCIENCE   PASTOR-UNIVERSAL 

When  Mrs.  Eddy  turned  the  pastors  out  of  all 
the  Christian  Science  churches  and  abolished  the 
office  for  all  time — as  far  as  human  occupancy  is 
concerned — she  appointed  the  Holy  Ghost  to  fill 
their  place.  If  this  language  be  blasphemous,  I  did 
not  invent  the  blasphemy,  I  am  merely  stating  a 
fact.  I  will  quote  from  page  227  of  Science  and 
Health  (edition  1899),  as  a  first  step  toward  an  ex- 
planation of  this  startling  matter — a  passage  which 
sets  forth  and  classifies  the  Christian  Science  Trinity : 

Life,  Truth,  and  Love  constitute  the  triune  God,  or  triply 
divine  Principle.  They  represent  a  trinity  in  unity,  three  in  one 
— the  same  in  essence,  though  multiform  in  office:  God  the 
Father;  Christ  the  type  of  Sonship;  Divine  Science,  or  the  Holy 
Comforter.  .  .  . 

The  Holy  Ghost,  or  Spirit,  reveals  this  triune  Principle,  and 
(the  Holy  Ghost)  is  expressed  in  Divine  Science,  which  is  the 
Comforter,  leading  into  all  Truth,  and  revealing  the  divine  Prin- 
ciple of  the  universe — universal  and  perpetual  harmony. 

I  will  cite  another  passage.     Speaking  of  Jesus — 

His  students  then  received  the  Holy  Ghost.  By  this  is  meant, 
that  by  all  they  had  witnessed  and  suffered  they  were  roused  to 
an  enlarged  understanding  of  Divine  Science,  even  to  the  spiritual 
interpretation  .  .  .  of  His  teachings  [etc.]. 

180 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 
Also,  page  579,  in  the  chapter  called  the  Glossary: 

Holy  Ghost.  Divine  Science;  the  developments  of  Life, 
Truth,  and  Love. 

The  Holy  Ghost  reveals  the  massed  spirit  of  the 
fused  trinity;  this  massed  spirit  is  expressed  in  Di- 
vine Science,  and  is  the  Comforter;  Divine  Science 
conveys  to  men  the  "spiritual  interpretation"  of  the 
Saviour's  teachings.  That  seems  to  be  the  meaning 
of  the  quoted  passages. 

Divine  Science  is  Christian  Science;  the  book 
Science  and  Health  is  a  "revelation"  of  the  whole  spirit 
of  the  Trinity,  and  is  therefore  "The  Holy  Ghost"; 
it  conveys  to  men  the  " spiritual  interpretation"  of  the 
Bible's  teachings,  and  therefore  is  "the  Comforter  " 

I  do  not  find  this  analyzing  work  easy,  I  would 
rather  saw  wood ;  and  a  person  can  never  tell  whether 
he  has  added  up  a  Science  and  Health  sum  right  or 
not,  anyway,  after  all  his  trouble.  Neither  can  he 
easily  find  out  whether  the  texts  are  still  on  the 
market  or  have  been  discarded  from  the  Book;  for 
two  hundred  and  fifty-eight  editions  of  it  have  been 
issued,  and  no  two  editions  seem  to  be  alike.  The 
annual  changes — in  technical  terminology;  in  mat- 
ter and  wording;  in  transpositions  of  chapters  and 
verses;  in  leaving  out  old  chapters  and  verses 
and  putting  in  new  ones  —  seem  to  be  next  to 
innumerable,  and  as  there  is  no  index,  there  is  no 
way  to  find  a  thing  one  wants  without  reading  the 
book  through.  If  ever  I  inspire  a  Bible- Annex  I 
will  not  rush  at  it  in  a  half -digested,  helter-skelter 
way  and  have  to  put  in  thirty-eight  years  trying 

181 


MARK    TWAIN 

to  get  some  of  it  the  way  I  want  it,  I  will  sit  down 
and  think  it  out  and, know  what  it  is  I  want  to  say 
before  I  begin.  An  inspirer  cannot  inspire  for  Mrs. 
Eddy  and  keep  his  reputation.  I  have  never  seen 
such  slipshod  work,  bar  the  ten  that  interpreted  for 
the  home  market  the  "sell  all  thou  hast."  I  have 
quoted  one  "spiritual"  rendering  of  the  Lord's 
Prayer,  I  have  seen  one  other  one,  and  am  told  there 
are  five  more.1  Yet  the  inspirer  of  Mrs.  Eddy  the 
new  Infallible  casts  a  complacent  critical  stone  at 
the  other  Infallible  for  being  unable  to  make  up  its 
mind  about  such  things.  Science  and  Health,  edi- 
tion 1899,  page  33 : 

The  decisions,  by  vote  of  Church  Councils,  as  to  what  should 
and  should  not  be  considered  Holy  Writ,  the  manifest  mistakes 
in  the  ancient  versions:  the  thirty  thousand  different  readings 
in  the  Old  Testament  and  the  three  hundred  thousand  in  the 
New — these  facts  show  how  a  mortal  and  material  sense  stole 
into  the  divine  record,  darkening,  to  some  extent,  the  inspired 
pages  with  its  own  hue. 

To  some  extent,  yes — speaking  cautiously.  But 
it  is  nothing,  really  nothing;  Mrs.  Eddy  is  only  a 
little  way  behind,  and  if  her  inspirer  lives  to  get  her 
Annex  to  suit  him  that  Catholic  record  will  have 
to  "go  'way  back  and  set  down,"  as  the  ballad  says. 
Listen  to  the  boastful  song  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  organ, 
the  Christian  Science  Journal  for  March,  1902,  about 
that  year's  revamping  and  half -soling  of  Science  and 
Health,  whose  official  name  is  the  Holy  Ghost,  the 
Comforter,  and  who  is  now  the  Official  Pastor  and 
Infallible  and  Unerring  Guide  of  every  Christian 

1  See  a  second  rendering  in  Appendix.     (Lord's  Prayer.) — M.  T. 

182 


■ 


pa 


•' 


THE     FIRST    CHURCH    OF    CHRIST,    SCIENTIST,    CENTRAL    PARK 
WEST   AND   96TH    STREET,  NEW    YORK 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Science  church  in  the  two  hemispheres,  hear  Simple 
Simon  that  met  the  pieman  brag  of  the  Infallible 's 
fallibility : 

Throughout  the  entire  book  the  verbal  changes  are  so 
numerous  as  to  indicate  the  vast  amount  of  time  and  labor  Mrs. 
Eddy  has  devoted  to  this  revision.  The  time  and  labor  thus 
bestowed  is  relatively  as  great  as  that  of  the  committee  who 
revised  the  Bible.  .  .  .  Thus  we  have  additional  evidence  of  the 
herculean  efforts  our  beloved  Leader  has  made  and  is  constantly 
making  for  the  promulgation  of  Truth  and  the  furtherance  of 
her  divinely  bestowed  mission  [etc]. 

It  is  a  steady  job.  I  could  help  inspire  if  desired; 
I  am  not  doing  much  now,  and  would  work  for  half 
price,  and  should  not  object  to  the  country. 


PRICE   OF  THE   PASTOR-UNIVERSAL 

The  price  of  the  Pastor-Universal,  Science  and 
Health,  called  in  Science  literature  the  Comforter — 
and  by  that  other  sacred  Name — is  three  dollars  in 
cloth,  as  heretofore,  six  when  it  is  finely  bound,  and 
shaped  to  imitate  the  Testament,  and  is  broken  into 
verses.  Margin  of  profit  above  cost  of  manufac- 
ture, from  five  hundred  to  seven  hundred  per  cent., 
as  already  noted.  In  the  profane  subscription  trade, 
it  costs  the  publisher  heavily  to  canvass  a  three- 
dollar  book;  he  must  pay  the  general  agent  sixty  per 
cent,  commission — that  is  to  say,  one  dollar  and 
eighty  cents.  Mrs.  Eddy  escapes  this  blistering 
tax,  because  she  owns  the  Christian  Science  can- 
vasser, and  can  compel  him  to  work  for  nothing. 
Read  the  following  command — not  request — fulmi- 
nated by  Mrs.   Eddy,  over  her  signature,  in  the 

183 


MARK     TWAIN 

Christian  Science  Journal  for  March,  1897,  and 
quoted  by  Mr.  Peabody  in  his  book.  The  book 
referred  to  is  Science  and  Health. 

It  shall  be  the  duty  of  all  Christian  Scientists  to  circulate  and 
to  sell  as  many  of  these  books  as  they  can. 

That  is  flung  at  all  the  elect,  everywhere  that  the 
sun  shines,  but  no  penalty  is  shaken  over  their  heads 
to  scare  them.  The  same  command  was  issued  to 
the  members  (numbering  to-day  twenty-five  thou- 
sand) of  the  Mother  Church,  also,  but  with  it  went 
a  threat,  of  the  infliction,  in  case  of  disobedience,  of 
the  most  dreaded  punishment  that  has  a  place  in  the 
Church's  list  of  penalties  for  transgressions  of  Mrs. 
Eddy's  edicts — excommunication : 

If  a  member  of  The  First  Church  of  Christ,  Scientist,  shall  fail 
to  obey  this  injunction,  it  will  render  him  liable  to  lose  his  member- 
ship in  this  Church.  MARY  BAKER  EDDY. 

It  is  the  spirit  of  the  Spanish  Inquisition. 

None  but  accepted  and  well-established  gods  can 
venture  an  affront  like  that  and  do  it  with  confidence. 
But  the  human  race  will  take  anything  from  that 
class.  Mrs.  Eddy  knows  the  human  race;  knows  it 
better  than  any  mere  human  being  has  known  it  in 
a  thousand  centuries.  My  confidence  in  her  human- 
beingship  is  getting  shaken,  my  confidence  in  her 
godship  is  stiffening. 

SEVEN    HUNDRED   PER   CENT. 

A  Scientist  out  West  has  visited  a  bookseller — 
with  intent  to  find  fault  with  me — and  has  brought 

184 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

away  the  information  that  the  price  at  which  Mrs. 
Eddy  sells  Science  and  Health  is  not  an  unusually 
high  one  for  the  size  and  make  of  the  book.  That  is 
true.  But  in  the  book  trade — that  profit-devourer 
unknown  to  Mrs.  Eddy's  book — a  three-dollar  book 
that  is  made  fir  thirty-five  or  forty  cents  in  large 
editions  is  put  at  three  dollars  because  the  publisher 
has  to  pay  author,  middleman,  and  advertising,  and 
if  the  price  were  much  below  three  the  profit  accruing 
would  not  pay  him  fairly  for  his  time  and  labor.  At 
the  same  time,  if  he  could  get  ten  dollars  for  the 
book  he  would  take  it,  and  his  morals  would  not  fall 
under  criticism. 

But  if  he  were  an  inspired  person  commissioned  by 
the  Deity  to  receive  and  print  and  spread  broadcast 
among  sorrowing  and  suffering  and  poor  men  a 
precious  message  of  healing  and  cheer  and  salvation, 
he  would  have  to  do  as  Bible  Societies  do — sell  the 
book  at  a  pinched  margin  above  cost  to  such  as  could 
pay,  and  give  it  free  to  all  that  couldn't;  and  his 
name  would  be  praised.  But  if  he  sold  it  at  seven 
hundred  per  cent,  profit  and  put  the  money  in  his 
pocket,  his  name  would  be  mocked  and  derided. 
Just  as  Mrs.  Eddy's  is.  And  most  justifiably,  as  it 
seems  to  me. 

The  complete  Bible  contains  one  million  words. 
The  New  Testament  by  itself  contains  two  hundred 
and  forty  thousand  words. 

My  '84  edition  of  Science  and  Health  contains  one 
hundred  and  twenty  thousand  words — just  half  as 
many  as  the  New  Testament. 

Science  and  Health  has  since  been  so  inflated  by 
13  185 


MARK     TWAIN 

later  inspirations  that  the  1902  edition  contains  one 
hundred  and  eighty  thousand  words — not  counting 
the  thirty  thousand  at  the  back,  devoted  by  Mrs. 
Eddy  to  advertising  the  book's  healing  abilities — and 
the  inspiring  continues  right  along. 

If  you  have  a  book  whose  market  is  so  sure  and  so 
great  that  you  can  give  a  printer  an  everlasting 
order  for  thirty  or  forty  or  fifty  thousand  copies  a 
year  he  will  furnish  them  at  a  cheap  rate,  because 
whenever  there  is  a  slack  time  in  his  press-room  and 
bindery  he  can  fill  the  idle  intervals  on  your  book 
and  be  making  something  instead  of  losing.  That 
is  the  kind  of  contract  that  can  be  let  on  Science  and 
Health  every  year.  I  am  obliged  to  doubt  that  the 
three-dollar  Science  and  Health  costs  Mrs.  Eddy 
above  fifteen  cents,  or  that  the  six-dollar  copy  costs 
her  above  eighty  cents.  I  feel  quite  sure  that  the 
average  profit  to  her  on  these  books,  above  cost  of 
manufacture,  is  all  of  seven  hundred  per  cent. 

Every  proper  Christian  Scientist  has  to  buy  and 
own  (and  canvass  for)  Science  and  Health  (one 
hundred  and  eighty  thousand  words),  and  he  must 
also  own  a  Bible  (one  million  words).  He  can  buy 
the  one  for  from  three  to  six  dollars,  and  the  other  for 
fifteen  cents.  Or,  if  three  dollars  is  all  the  money  he 
has,  he  can  get  his  Bible  for  nothing.  When  the 
Supreme  Being  disseminates  a  saving  Message 
through  uninspired  agents — the  New  Testament,  for 
instance — it  can  be  done  for  five  cents  a  copy;  but 
when  He  sends  one  containing  only  two-thirds  as 
many  words  through  the  shop  of  a  Divine  Personage, 
it  costs  sixty  times  as  much.     I  think  that  in  matters 

186 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

of  such  importance  it  is  bad  economy  to  employ  a 
wildcat  agency. 

Here  are  some  figures  which  are  perfectly  authentic, 
and  which  seem  to  justify  my  opinion: 

These  [Bible]  societies,  inspired  only  by  a  sense  of  religious 
duty,  are  issuing  the  Bible  at  a  price  so  small  that  they  have 
made  it  the  cheapest  book  printed.  For  example,  the  American 
Bible  Society  offers  an  edition  of  the  whole  Bible  as  low  as  fifteen 
cents  and  the  New  Testament  at  five  cents,  and  the  British  Society 
at  sixpence  and  one  penny,  respectively.  These  low  prices,  made 
possible  by  their  policy  of  selling  the  books  at  cost  or  below 
cost  [etc.].— New  York  Sun,  February  25,  1903. 


CHAPTER  IX 

WE  may  now  make  a  final  footing-up  of  Mrs. 
Eddy,  and  see  what  she  is,  in  the  fullness  of 
her  powers.    She  is 

The  Massachusetts  Metaphysical  College; 

Pastor  Emeritus; 

President; 

Board  of  Directors; 

Board  of  Education; 

Board  of  Lectureships; 

Future  Board  of  Trustees; 

Proprietor  of  the  Publishing-house  and  Periodicals; 

Treasurer; 

Clerk; 

Proprietor  of  the  Teachers; 

Proprietor  of  the  Lecturers; 

Proprietor  of  the  Missionaries; 

Proprietor  of  the  Readers; 

Dictator  of  the  Services:  sole  Voice  of  the  Pulpit; 

Proprietor  of  the  Sanhedrin; 

Sole  Proprietor  of  the  Creed.     (Copyrighted.) 

Indisputable  Autocrat  of  the  Branch  Churches, 
with  their  life  and  death  in  her  hands ; 

Sole  Thinker    for  The  First   Church    (and   the 
others) ; 

1 88 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Sole  and  Infallible  Expounder  of  Doctrine,  in  life 
and  in  death; 

Sole  permissible  Discoverer,  Denouncer,  Judge, 
and  Executioner  of  Ostensible  Hypnotists; 

Fifty-handed  God  of  Excommunication — with  a 
thunderbolt  in  every  hand; 

Appointer  and  Installer  of  the  Pastor  of  all  the 
Churches — the  Perpetual  Pastor-Universal,  Science 
and  Healtht  "the  Comforter. " 


CHAPTER  X 

THERE  she  stands — painted  by  herself.  No 
witness  but  herself  has  been  allowed  to  testify. 
She  stands  there  painted  by  her  acts,  and  decorated 
by  her  words.  When  she  talks,  she  has  only  a 
decorative  value  as  a  witness,  either  for  or  against 
herself,  for  she  deals  mainly  in  unsupported  asser- 
tion; and  in  the  rare  cases  where  she  puts  forward 
a  verifiable  fact  she  gets  out  of  it  a  meaning  which 
it  refuses  to  furnish  to  anybody  else.  Also,  when 
she  talks,  she  is  unstable;  she  wanders,  she  is  in- 
curably inconsistent;  what  she  says  to-day  she  con- 
tradicts to-morrow. 

But  her  acts  are  consistent.  They  are  always 
faithful  to  her,  they  never  misinterpret  her,  they  are 
a  mirror  which  always  reflects  her  exactly,  precisely, 
minutely,  unerringly,  and  always  the  same,  to  date, 
with  only  those  progressive  little  natural  changes 
in  stature,  dress,  complexion,  mood,  and  carriage 
that  mark — exteriorly — the  march  of  the  years  and 
record  the  accumulations  of  experience,  while — in- 
teriorly— through  all  this  steady  drift  of  evolution 
the  one  essential  detail,  the  commanding  detail,  the 
master  detail  of  the  make-up  remains  as  it  was  in 
the  beginning,  suffers  no  change  and  can  suffer  none ; 
the  basis  of  the  character;  the  temperament,  the  dis- 

190 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

position,  that  indestructible  iron  framework  upon 
which  the  character  is  built,  and  whose  shape  it  must 
take,  and  keep,  throughout  life.  We  call  it  a  per- 
son's nature. 

The  man  who  is  born  stingy  can  be  taught  to 
give  liberally — with  his  hands;  but  not  with  his 
heart.  The  man  born  kind  and  compassionate  can 
have  that  disposition  crushed  down  out  of  sight  by 
embittering  experience;  but  if  it  were  an  organ  the 
post-mortem  would  find  it  still  in  his  corpse.  The 
man  born  ambitious  of  power  and  glory  may  live 
long  without  finding  it  out,  but  when  the  oppor- 
tunity comes  he  will  know,  will  strike  for  the  largest 
thing  within  the  limit  of  his  chances  at  the  time — 
constable,  perhaps — and  will  be  glad  and  proud 
when  he  gets  it,  and  will  write  home  about  it.  But 
he  will  not  stop  with  that  start;  his  appetite  will 
come  again;  and  by  and  by  again,  and  yet  again; 
and  when  he  has  climbed  to  police  commissioner 
it  will  at  last  begin  to  dawn  upon  him  that  what  his 
Napoleon  soul  wants  and  was  born  for  is  something 
away  higher  up — he  does  not  quite  know  what,  but 
Circumstance  and  Opportunity  will  indicate  the  di- 
rection and  he  will  cut  a  road  through  and  find  out. 

I  think  Mrs.  Eddy  was  born  with  a  far-seeing 
business  eye,  but  did  not  know  it ;  and  with  a  great 
organizing  and  executive  talent,  and  did  not  know 
it;  and  with  a  large  appetite  for  power  and  distinc- 
tion, and  did  not  know  it.  I  think  the  reason  that 
her  make  did  not  show  up  until  middle  life  was  that 
she  had  General  Grant's  luck — Circumstance  and 
Opportunity  did  not  come  her  way  when  she  was 

191 


MARK     TWAIN 

younger.  The  qualities  that  were  born  in  her  had 
to  wait  for  circumstance  and  opportunity — but  they 
were  there:  they  were  there  to  stay,  whether  they 
ever  got  a  chance  to  fructify  or  not.  If  they  had 
come  early,  they  would  have  found  her  ready  and 
competent.  And  they — not  she — would  have  de- 
termined what  they  would  set  her  at  and  what  they 
would  make  of  her.  If  they  had  elected  to  com- 
mission her  as  second-assistant  cook  in  a  bankrupt 
boarding-house,  I  know  the  rest  of  it — I  know  what 
would  have  happened.  She  would  have  owned  the 
boarding-house  within  six  months;  she  would  have 
had  the  late  proprietor  on  salary  and  humping  him- 
self, as  the  worldly  say;  she  would  have  had  that 
boarding-house  spewing  money  like  a  mint;  she 
would  have  worked  the  servants  and  the  late  land- 
lord up  to  the  limit;  she  would  have  squeezed  the 
boarders  till  they  wailed,  and  by  some  mysterious 
quality  born  in  her  she  would  have  kept  the  affec- 
tions of  certain  of  the  lot  whose  love  and  esteem  she 
valued,  and  flung  the  others  down  the  back  area; 
in  two  years  she  would  own  all  the  boarding-houses 
in  the  town,  in  five  all  the  boarding-houses  in  the 
state,  in  twenty  all  the  hotels  in  America,  in  forty 
all  the  hotels  on  the  planet,  and  would  sit  at  home 
with  her  finger  on  a  button  and  govern  the  whole 
combination  as  easily  as  a  bench-manager  governs 
a  dog-show. 

It  would  be  a  grand  thing  to  see,  and  I  feel  a 
kind  of  disappointment — but  never  mind,  a  religion 
is  better  and  larger;  and  there  is  more  to  it.  And  I 
have  not  been  steeping  myself  in  Christian  Science 

192 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

all  these  weeks  without  finding  out  that  the  one 
sensible  thing  to  do  with  a  disappointment  is  to  put 
it  out  of  your  mind  and  think  of  something  cheer- 
fuler. 

We  outsiders  cannot  conceive  of  Mrs.  Eddy's 
Christian  Science  Religion  as  being  a  sudden  and 
miraculous  birth,  but  only  as  a  growth  from  a  seed 
planted  by  circumstances,  and  developed  stage  by 
stage  by  command  and  compulsion  of  the  same 
force.  What  the  stages  were  we  cannot  know,  but 
are  privileged  to  guess.  She  may  have  gotten  the 
mental-healing  idea  from  Quimby — it  had  been  ex- 
perimented with  for  ages,  and  was  no  one's  special 
property.  [For  the  present,  for  convenience'  sake, 
let  us  proceed  upon  the  hypothesis  that  that  was 
all  she  got  of  him,  and  that  she  put  up  the  rest  of  the 
assets  herself.  This  will  strain  us,  but  let  us  try  it.] 
In  each  and  all  its  forms  and  under  all  its  many 
names,  mental  healing  had  had  limits,  always,  and 
they  were  rather  narrow  ones — Mrs.  Eddy,  let  us 
imagine,  removed  the  fence,  abolished  the  frontiers. 
Not  by  expanding  mental  healing,  but  by  absorbing 
its  small  bulk  into  the  vaster  bulk  of  Christian  Sci- 
ence— Divine  Science,  The  Holy  Ghost,  the  Com- 
forter— which  was  a  quite  different  and  sublimer 
force,  and  one  which  had  long  lain  dormant  and 
unemployed. 

The  Christian  Scientist  believes  that  the  Spirit 
of  God  (life  and  love)  pervades  the  universe  like  an 
atmosphere;  that  whoso  will  study  Science  and 
Health  can  get  from  it  the  secret  of  how  to  inhale  that 
transforming  air;    that  to  breathe  it  is  to  be  made 

i93 


MARK     TWAIN 

new;  that  from  the  new  man  all  sorrow,  all  care, 
all  miseries  of  the  mind  vanish  away,  for  that  only 
peace,  contentment,  and  measureless  joy  can  live  in 
that  divine  fluid;  that  it  purifies  the  body  from 
disease,  which  is  a  vicious  creation  of  the  gross 
human  mind,  and  cannot  continue  to  exist  in  the 
presence  of  the  Immortal  Mind,  the  renewing  Spirit 
of  God. 

The  Scientist  finds  this  reasonable,  natural,  and 
not  harder  to  believe  than  that  the  disease-germ,  a 
creature  of  darkness,  perishes  when  exposed  to  the 
light  of  the  great  sun — a  new  revelation  of  profane 
science  which  no  one  doubts.  He  reminds  us  that 
the  actinic  ray,  shining  upon  lupus,  cures  it — a 
horrible  disease  which  was  incurable  fifteen  years 
ago,  and  had  been  incurable  for  ten  million  years 
before;  that  this  wonder,  unbelievable  by  the  physi- 
cians at  first,  is  believed  by  them  now;  and  so  he  is 
tranquilly  confident  that  the  time  is  coming  when 
the  world  will  be  educated  up  to  a  point  where  it 
will  comprehend  and  grant  that  the  li^ht  of  the 
Spirit  of  God,  shining  unobstructed  upon  the  soul, 
is  an  actinic  ray  which  can  purge  both  mind  and 
body  from  disease  and  set  them  free  and  make  them 
whole. 

It  is  apparent,  then,  that  in  Christian  Science 
it  is  not  one  man's  mind  acting  upon  another  man's 
mind  that  heals;  that  it  is  solely  the  Spirit  of  God 
that  heals;  that  the  healer's  mind  performs  no  office 
but  to  convey  that  force  to  the  patient;  that  it  is 
merely  the  wire  which  carries  the  electric  fluid,  so 
to  speak,  and  delivers  the  message.     Therefore,  if 

194 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

these  things  be  true,  mental  healing  and  Science 
healing  are  separate  and  distinct  processes,  and  no 
kinship  exists  between  them. 

To  heal  the  body  of  its  ills  and  pains  is  a  mighty 
henefaction,  but  in  our  day  our  physicians  and 
surgeons  work  a  thousand  miracles — prodigies  which 
would  have  ranked  as  miracles  fifty  years  ago — and 
they  have  so  greatly  extended  their  domination  over 
disease  that  we  feel  so  well  protected  that  we  are 
able  to  look  with  a  good  deal  of  composure  and 
absence  of  hysterics  upon  the  claims  of  new  com- 
petitors in  that  field. 

But  there  is  a  mightier  benefaction  than  the  heal- 
ing of  the  body,  and  that  is  the  healing  of  the  spirit — 
which  is  Christian  Science's  other  claim.  So  far  as 
I  know,  so  far  as  I  can  find  out,  it  makes  it  good. 
Personally  I  have  not  known  a  Scientist  who  did  not 
seem  serene,  contented,  unharassed.  I  have  not 
found  an  outsider  whose  observation  of  Scientists 
furnished  him  a  view  that  differed  from  my  own. 
Buoyant  spirits,  comfort  of  mind,  freedom  from 
care — these  happinesses  we  all  have,  at  intervals; 
but  in  the  spaces  between,  dear  me,  the  black  hours! 
They  have  put  a  curse  upon  the  life  of  every  human 
being  I  have  ever  known,  young  or  old.  I  concede 
not  a  single  exception.  Unless  it  might  be  those 
Scientists  just  referred  to.  They  may  have  been 
playing  a  part  with  me;  I  hope  they  were  not,  and  I 
believe  they  were  not. 

Time  will  test  the  Science's  claim.  If  time  shall 
make  it  good;  if  time  shall  prove  that  the  Science 
can  heal  the  persecuted  spirit  of  man  and  banish  its 

i9S 


MARK    TWAIN 

troubles  and  keep  it  serene  and  sunny  and  content — 
why,  then  Mrs.  Eddy  will  have  a  monument  that 
will  reach  above  the  clouds.  For  if  she  did  not  hit 
upon  that  imperial  idea  and  evolve  it  and  deliver  it, 
its  discoverer  can  never  be  identified  with  certainty, 
now,  I  think.  It  is  the  giant  feature,  it  is  the  sun 
that  rides  in  the  zenith  of  Christian  Science;  the 
auxiliary  features  are  of  minor  consequence.  [Let 
us  still  leave  the  large  "if"  aside,  for  the  present, 
and  proceed  as  if  it  had  no  existence.] 

It  is  not  supposable  that  Mrs.  Eddy  realized,  at 
first,  the  size  of  her  plunder.  (No,  find — that  is  the 
word;  she  did  not  realize  the  size  of  her  find,  at  first.) 
It  had  to  grow  upon  her,  by  degrees,  in  accordance 
with  the  inalterable  custom  of  Circumstance,  which 
works  by  stages,  and  by  stages  only,  and  never 
furnishes  any  mind  with  all  the  materials  for  a  large 
idea  at  one  time. 

In  the  beginning,  Mrs.  Eddy  was  probably  inter- 
ested merely  in  the  mental-healing  detail.  And 
perhaps  mainly  interested  in  it  pecuniarily,  for  she 
was  poor. 

She  would  succeed  in  anything  she  undertook. 
She  would  attract  pupils,  and  her  commerce  would 
grow.  She  would  inspire  in  patient  and  pupil  con- 
fidence in  her  earnestness;  her  history  is  evidence 
that  she  would  not  fail  of  that. 

There  probably  came  a  time,  in  due  course,  when 
her  students  began  to  think  there  was  something 
deeper  in  her  teachings  than  they  had  been  suspecting 
— a  mystery  beyond  mental  healing,  and  higher.  It 
is  conceivable  that  by  consequence  their  manner 

196 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

toward  her  changed  little  by  little,  and  from  respect- 
ful became  reverent.  It  is  conceivable  that  this 
would  have  an  influence  upon  her;  that  it  would 
incline  her  to  wonder  if  their  secret  thought — that 
she  was  inspired — might  not  be  a  well-grounded 
guess.  It  is  conceivable  that  as  time  went  on  the 
thought  in  their  minds  and  its  reflection  in  hers  might 
solidify  into  conviction. 

She  would  remember,  then,  that  as  a  child  she  had 
been  called,  more  than  once,  by  a  mysterious  voice 
— just  as  had  happened  to  little  Samuel.  (Mentioned 
in  her  Autobiography.)  She  would  be  impressed  by 
that  ancient  reminiscence,  now,  and  it  could  have  a 
prophetic  meaning  for  her. 

It  is  conceivable  that  the  persuasive  influences 
around  her  and  within  her  would  give  a  new  and 
powerful  impulse  to  her  philosophizings,  and  that 
from  this,  in  time,  would  result  that  great  birth,  the 
healing  of  body  and  mind  by  the  inpouring  of  the 
Spirit  of  God — the  central  and  dominant  idea  of 
Christian  Science — and  that  when  this  idea  came  she 
would  not  doubt  that  it  was  an  inspiration  direct 
from  Heaven. 


CHAPTER  XI 

a  MUST  rest  a  little,  now.  To  sit  here  and  pains- 
takingly spin  out  a  scheme  which  imagines  Mrs. 
Eddy,  of  all  people,  working  her  mind  on  a  plane 
above  commercialism;  imagines  her  thinking,  phi- 
losophizing, discovering  majestic  things;  and  even 
imagines  her  dealing  in  sincerities — to  be  frank,  I 
find  it  a  large  contract.  But  I  have  begun  it,  and 
I  will  go  through  with  it.] 


CHAPTER  XII 

IT  is  evident  that  she  made  disciples  fast,  and 
that  their  belief  in  her  and  in  the  authenticity  of 
her  heavenly  ambassadorship  was  not  of  the  luke- 
warm and  half-way  sort,  but  was  profoundly  earnest 
and  sincere.  Her  book  was  issued  from  the  press 
in  1875,  it  began  its  work  of  convert-making,  and 
within  six  years  she  had  successfully  launched  a  new 
Religion  and  a  new  system  of  healing,  and  was 
teaching  them  to  crowds  of  eager  students  in  a 
College  of  her  own,  at  prices  so  extraordinary  that 
we  are  almost  compelled  to  accept  her  statement 
(no,  her  guarded  intimation)  that  the  rates  were 
arranged  on  high,  since  a  mere  human  being  un- 
acquainted with  commerce  and  accustomed  to  think 
in  pennies  could  hardly  put  up  such  a  hand  as  that 
without  supernatural  help. 

From  this  stage  onward — Mrs.  Eddy  being  what 
she  was — the  rest  of  the  development  stages  would 
follow  naturally  and  inevitably.  But  if  she  had  been 
anybody  else,  there  would  have  been  a  different 
arrangement  of  them,  with  different  results.  Being 
the  extraordinary  person  she  was,  she  realized  her 
position  and.its  possibilities;  realized  the  possibilities, 
and  had  the  daring  to  use  them  for  all  they  were 
worth. 

199 


MARK     TWAIN 

We  have  seen  what  her  methods  were  after  she 
passed  the  stage  where  her  divine  ambassado-  _lp 
was  granted  in  exequatur  in  the  hearts  and  minds 
of  her  followers;  we  have  seen  how  steady  and  fearless 
and  calculated  and  orderly  was  her  march  thence- 
forth from  conquest  to  conquest;  we  have  seen  her 
strike  dead,  without  hesitancy,  any  hostile  or  ques- 
tionable force  that  rose  in  her  path:  first,  the  horde 
of  pretenders  that  sprang  up  and  tried  to  take  her 
Science  and  its  market  away  from  her — she  crushed 
them,  she  obliterated  them;  when  her  own  National 
Christian  Science  Association  became  great  in  num- 
bers and  influence,  and  loosely  and  dangerously 
garrulous,  and  began  to  expound  the  doctrines 
according  to  its  own  uninspired  notions,  she  took  up 
her  sponge  without  a  tremor  of  fear  and  wiped  that 
association  out ;  wiien  she  perceived  that  the  preach- 
ers in  her  pulpits  were  becoming  afflicted  with 
doctrine-tinkering,  she  recognized  the  danger  of  it, 
and  did  not  hesitate  nor  temporize,  but  promptly 
dismissed  the  whole  of  them  in  a  day,  and  abolished 
their  office  permanently;  we  have  seen  that,  as  fast 
as  her  power  grew,  she  was  competent  to  take  the 
measure  of  it,  and  that  as  fast  as  its  expansion  sug- 
gested to  her  gradually  awakening  native  ambition 
a  higher  step  she  took  it ;  and  so,  by  this  evolutionary 
process,  we  have  seen  the  gross  money-lust  relegated 
to  second  place,  and  the  lust  of  empire  and  glory  rise 
above  it.  A  splendid  dream;  and  by  force  of  the 
qualities  born  in  her  she  is  making  it  come  true. 

These  qualities — and  the  capacities  ^rowing  out  of 
them  by  the  nurturing  influences  of   i  -aining,  ob- 

200 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

servation,  and  experience — seem  to  be  clearly  indi- 
cated by  the  character  of  her  career  and  its  achieve- 
ments.    They  seem  to  be : 

A  clear  head  for  business,  and  a  phenomenally 
long  one;' 

Clear  understanding  of  business  situations; 

Accuracy  in  estimating  the  opportunities  they 
offer; 

Intelligence  in  planning  a  business  move; 

Firmness  in  sticking  to  it  after  it  has  been  decided 
upon; 

Extraordinary  daring; 

Indestructible  persistency ; 

Devouring  ambition ; 

Limitless  selfishness; 

A  knowledge  of  the  weaknesses  and  poverties  and 
docilities  of  human  nature  and  how  to  turn  them  to 
account  which  has  never  been  surpassed,  if  ever 
equaled; 

And — necessarily — the  foundation-stone  of  Mrs. 
Eddy's  character  is  a  never-wavering  confidence  in 
herself. 

It  is  a  granite  character.  And — quite  naturally — 
a  measure  of  the  talc  of  smallnesses  common  to  human 
nature  is  mixed  up  in  it  and  distributed  through  it. 
When  Mrs.  Eddy  is  not  dictating  servilities  from  her 
throne  in  the  clouds  to  her  official  domestics  in 
Boston  or  to  her  far-spread  subjects  round  about  the 
planet,  but  is  down  on  the  ground,  she  is  kin  to  us 
and  one  of  us:  sentimental  as  a  girl,  garrulous,  un- 
grammatical,  incomprehensible,  affected,  vain  of  her 
little  human  ancestry,  unstable,  inconsistent,  un- 
14  201 


MARK    TWAIN 

reliable  in  statement,  and  naively  and  everlastingly 
self-contradictory — oh,  trivial  and  common  and 
commonplace  as  the  commonest  of  us!  just  a 
Napoleon  as  Madame  de  Remusat  saw  him,  a  brass 
god  with  clay  legs. 


CHAPTER  XIII 

IN  drawing  Mrs.  Eddy's  portrait  it  has  been  my 
purpose  to  restrict  myself  to  materials  furnished 
by  herself,  and  I  believe  I  have  done  that.  If  I  have 
misinterpreted  any  of  her  acts,  it  was  not  done 
intentionally. 

It  will  be  noticed  that  in  skeletonizing  a  list  of 
the  qualities  which  have  carried  her  to  the  dizzy 
summit  which  she  occupies,  I  have  not  mentioned 
the  power  which  was  the  commanding  force  em- 
ployed in  achieving  that  lofty  flight.  It  did  not 
belong  in  that  list;  it  was  a  force  that  was  not  a 
detail  of  her  character,  but  was  an  outside  one. 
It  was  the  power  which  proceeded  from  her  people's 
recognition  of  her  as  a  supernatural  personage,  con- 
veyer of  the  Latest  Word,  and  divinely  commissioned 
to  deliver  it  to  the  world.  The  form  which  such  a 
recognition  takes,  consciously  or  unconsciously,  is 
worship;  and  worship  does  not  question  nor  criticize, 
it  obeys.  The  object  of  it  does  not  need  to  coddle 
it,  bribe  it,  beguile  it,  reason  with  it,  convince  it — 
it  commands  it;  that  is  sufficient;  the  obedience 
rendered  is  not  reluctant,  but  prompt  and  whole- 
hearted. Admiration  for  a  Napoleon,  confidence  in 
him,  pride  in  him,  affection  for  him,  can  lift  him  high 
and  carry  him  far ;  and  these  are  forms  of  worship,  and 

203 


MARK     TWAIN 

are  strong  forces,  but  they  are  worship  of  a  mere 
human  being,  after  all,  and  are  infinitely  feeble,  as 
compared  with  those  that  are  generated  by  that  other 
worship,  the  worship  of  a  divine  personage.  Mrs. 
Eddy  has  this  efficient  worship,  this  massed  and 
centralized  force,  this  force  which  is  indifferent  to 
opposition,  untroubled  by  fear,  and  goes  to  battle 
singing,  like  Cromwell's  soldiers;  and  while  she  has 
it  she  can  command  and  it  will  obey,  and  maintain 
her  on  her  throne,  and  extend  her  empire. 

She  will  have  it  until  she  dies ;  and  then  we  shall 
see  a  curious  and  interesting  further  development  of 
her  revolutionary  work  begin. 


CHAPTER  XIV 

THE  President  and  Board  of  Directors  will 
succeed  her,  and  the  government  will  go  on 
without  a  hitch.  The  By-laws  will  bear  that  inter- 
pretation. All  the  Mother  Church's  vast  powers 
are  concentrated  in  that  Board.  Mrs.  Eddy's  un- 
limited personal  reservations  make  the  Board's 
ostensible  supremacy,  during  her  life,  a  sham,  and 
the  Board  itself  a  shadow.  But  Mrs.  Eddy  has  not 
made  those  reservations  for  any  one  but  herself — 
they  are  distinctly  personal,  they  bear  her  name, 
they  are  not  usable  by  another  individual.  When 
she  dies  her  reservations  die,  and  the  Board's  shadow 
powers  become  real  powers,  without  the  change  of 
any  important  By-law,  and  the  Board  sits  in  her 
place  as  absolute  and  irresponsible  a  sovereign  as  she 
was. 

It  consists  of  but  five  persons,  a  much  more 
manageable  Cardinalate  than  the  Roman  Pope's.  I 
think  it  will  elect  its  Pope  from  its  own  body,  and 
that  it  will  fill  its  own  vacancies.  An  elective 
Papacy  is  a  safe  and  wise  system,  and  a  long-liver. 


CHAPTER  XV 

WE  may  take  that  up  now. 
It  is  not  a  single  "if,"  but  a  several- jointed 
one;  not  an  oyster,  but  a  vertebrate. 

i.  Did  Mrs.  Eddy  borrow  from  Quimby  the 
Great  Idea,  or  only  the  little  one,  the  old-timer,  the 
ordinary  mental  healing — healing  by  "mortal"  mind? 

2.  If  she  borrowed  the  Great  Idea,  did  she  carry 
it  away  in  her  head,  or  in  manuscript? 

3.  Did  she  hit  upon  the  Great  Idea  herself? 

By  the  Great  Idea  I  mean,  of  course,  the  con- 
viction that  the  Force  involved  was  still  existent, 
and  could  be  applied  now  just  as  it  was  applied  by 
Christ's  Disciples  and  the  converts,  and  as  success- 
fully. 

4.  Did  she  philosophize  it,  systematize  it,  and 
write  it  down  in  a  book? 

5.  Was  it  she,  and  not  another,  that  built  a  new 
Religion  upon  the  book  and  organized  it? 

I  think  No.  5  can  be  answered  with  a  Yes, 
and  dismissed  from  the  controversy.  And  I  think 
that  the  Great  Idea,  great  as  it  was,  would  have  en- 
joyed but  a  brief  activity,  and  would  then  have 
gone  to  sleep  again  for  some  more  centuries,  but  for 
the  perpetuating  impulse  it  got  from  that  organized 
and  tremendous  force. 

206 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

As  for  Nos.  i,  2,  and  4,  the  hostiles  contend  that 
Mrs.  Eddy  got  the  Great  Idea  from  Quimby  and 
carried  it  off  in  manuscript.  But  their  testimony, 
while  of  consequence,  lacks  the  most  important  de- 
tail; so  far  as  my  information  goes,  the  Quimby 
manuscript  has  not  been  produced.  I  think  we 
cannot  discuss  No.  1  and  No.  2  profitably.  Let 
them  go. 

For  me,  No.  3  has  a  mild  interest,  and  No.  4  a 
violent  one. 

As  regards  No.  3,  Mrs.  Eddy  was  brought  up, 
from  the  cradle,  an  old-time,  boiler-iron,  West- 
.minster-Catechism  Christian,  and  knew  her  Bible 
as  well  as  Captain  Kydd  knew  his,  "when  he  sailed, 
when  he  sailed,"  and  perhaps  as  sympathetically. 
The  Great  Idea  had  struck  a  million  Bible-readers 
before  her  as  being  possible  of  resurrection  and  ap- 
plication— it  must  have  struck  as  many  as  that,  and 
been  cogitated,  indolently,  doubtingly,  then  dropped 
and  forgotten— and  it  could  have  struck  her,  in  due 
course.  But  how  it  could  interest  her,  how  it  could 
appeal  to  her — with  her  make — is  a  thing  that  is 
difficult  to  understand. 

For  the  thing  back  of  it  is  wholly  gracious  and 
beautiful:  the  power,  through  loving  mercifulness 
and  compassion,  to  heal  fleshly  ills  and  pains  and 
griefs — all — with  a  word,  with  a  touch  of  the  hand! 
This  power  was  given  by  the  Saviour  to  the  Disciples, 
and  to  all  the  converted.  All — every  one.  It  was 
exercised  for  generations  afterward.  Any  Christian 
who  was  in  earnest  and  not  a  make-believe,  not  a 
policy-Christian,  not  a  Christian  for  revenue  only, 

207 


MARK    TWAIN 

had  that  healing  power,  and  could  cure  with  it  any 
disease  or  any  hurt  or  damage  possible  to  human  flesh 
and  bone.  These  things  are  true,  or  they  are  not. 
If  they  were  true  seventeen  and  eighteen  and  nine- 
teen centuries  ago  it  would  be  difficult  to  satis- 
factorily explain  why  or  how  or  by  what  argument 
that  power  should  be  non-existent  in  Christians 
now.1 

To  wish  to  exercise  it  could  occur  to  Mrs.  Eddy — 
but  would  it? 

Grasping,  sordid,  penurious,  famishing  for  every- 
thing she  sees — money,  power,  glory — vain,  untruth- 
ful, jealous,  despotic,  arrogant,  insolent,  pitiless  where 
thinkers  and  hypnotists  are  concerned,  illiterate,  shal- 
low, incapable  of  reasoning  outside  of  commercial 
lines,  immeasurably  selfish — 

Of  course  the  Great  Idea  could  strike  her,  we  have 
to  grant  that,  but  why  it  should  interest  her  is  a  ques- 
tion which  can  easily  overstrain  the  imagination 
and  bring  on  nervous  prostration,  or  something  like 
that,  and  is  better  left  alone  by  the  judicious,  it 
seems  to  me — 

Unless  we  call  to  our  help  the  alleged  other  side 
of  Mrs.  Eddy's  make  and  character — the  side  which 
her  multitude  of  followers  see,  and  sincerely  believe 
in.  Fairness  requires  that  their  view  be  stated  here. 
It  is  the  opposite  of  the  one  which  I  have  drawn 
from  Mrs.  Eddy's  history  and.  from  her  By-laws. 
To  her  followers  she  is  this: 

Patient,    gentle,    loving,    compassionate,    noble- 

1  See  Appendix. — M.  T. 
208 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

hearted,  unselfish,  sinless,  widely  cultured,  splendid- 
ly equipped  mentally,  a  profound  thinker,  an  able 
writer,  a  divine  personage,  an  inspired  messenger 
whose  acts  are  dictated  from  the  Throne,  and  whose 
every  utterance  is  the  Voice  of  God. 

She  has  delivered  to  them  a  religion  which  has 
revolutionized  their  lives,  banished  the  glooms  that 
shadowed  them,  and  filled  them  and  flooded  them 
with  sunshine  and  gladness  and  peace;  a  religion 
which  has  no  hell;  a  religion  whose  heaven  is  not 
put  off  to  another  time,  with  a  break  and  a  gulf  be- 
tween, but  begins  here  and  now,  and  melts  into 
eternity  as  fancies  of  the  waking  day  melt  into  the 
dreams  of  sleep. 

They  believe  it  is  a  Christianity  that  is  in  the 
New  Testament;  that  it  has  always  been  there; 
that  in  the  drift  of  ages  it  was  lost  through  disuse 
and  neglect,  and  that  this  benefactor  has  found  it 
and  given  it  back  to  men,  turning  the  night  of  life 
into  day,  its  terrors  into  myths,  its  lamentations  into 
songs  of  emancipation  and  rejoicing.1 

There  we  have  Mrs.  Eddy  as  her  followers  see 
her.  She  has  lifted  them  out  of  grief  and  care  and 
doubt  and  fear,  and  made  their  lives  beautiful;  she 
found  them  wandering  forlorn  in  a  wintry  wilder- 
ness, and  has  led  them  to  a  tropic  paradise  like  that 
of  which  the  poet  sings; 

O,  islands  there  are  on  the  face  of  the  deep 

Where  the  leaves  never  fade  and  the  skies  never  weep. 

1  For  a  clear  understanding  of  the  two  claims  of  Christian  Science, 
read  the  novel  The  Life  Within,  published  by  Lothrops,  Boston. 

-M.  T. 

209 


MARK    TWAIN 

To  ask  them  to  examine  with  a  microscope  the 
character  of  such  a  benefactor;  to  ask  them  to 
examine  it  at  all;  to  ask  them  to  look  at  a  blemish 
which  another  person  believes  he  has  found  in  it — 
well,  in  their  place  could  you  do  it?  Would  you  do 
it?  Wouldn't  you  be  ashamed  to  do  it?  If  a  tramp 
had  rescued  your  child  from  fire  and  death,  and 
saved  its  mother's  heart  from  breaking,  could  you 
see  his  rags?  Could  you  smell  his  breath?  Mrs. 
Eddy  has  done  more  than  that  for  these  people. 

They  are  prejudiced  witnesses.  To  the  credit  of 
human  nature  it  is  not  possible  that  they  should  be 
otherwise.  They  sincerely  believe  that  Mrs.  Eddy's 
character  is  pure  and  perfect  and  beautiful,  and  her 
history  without  stain  or  blot  or  blemish.  But  that 
does  not  settle  it.  They  sincerely  believe  she  did 
not  borrow  the  Great  Idea  from  Quimby,  but  hit 
upon  it  herself.  It  may  be  so,  and  it  could  be  so. 
Let  it  go — there  is  no  way  to  settle  it.  They  believe 
she  carried  away  no  Quimby  manuscripts.  Let  that 
go,  too — there  is  no  way  to  settle  it.  They  believe 
that  she,  and  not  another,  built  the  Religion  upon 
the  book,  and  organized  it.    I  believe  it,  too. 

Finally,  they  believe  that  she  philosophized  Chris- 
tian Science,  explained  it,  systematized  it,  and  wrote 
it  all  out  with  her  own  hand  in  the  book  Science  and 
Health. 

I  am  not  able  to  believe  that.  Let  us  draw  the 
line  there.  The  known  and  undisputed  products  of 
her  pen  are  a  formidable  witness  against  her.  They 
do  seem  to  me  to  prove,  quite  clearly  and  conclu- 
sively, that  writing,  upon  even  simple  subjects,  is  a 

210 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

difficult  labor  for  her;  that  she  has  never  been  able 
to  write  anything  above  third-rate  English;  that 
she  is  weak  in  the  matter  of  grammar;  that  she  has 
but  a  rude  and  dull  sense  of  the  values  of  words; 
that  she  so  lacks  in  the  matter  of  literary  precision 
that  she  can  seldom  put  a  thought  into  words  that 
express  it  lucidly  to  the  reader  and  leave  no  doubts 
in  his  mind  as  to  whether  he  has  rightly  understood 
or  not;  that  she  cannot  even  draft  a  Preface  that 
a  person  can  fully  comprehend,  nor  one  which  can 
by  any  art  be  translated  into  a  fully  understandable 
form;  that  she  can  seldom  inject  into  a  Preface 
even  single  sentences  whose  meaning  is  uncompro- 
misingly clear — yet  Prefaces  are  her  specialty,  if  she 
has  one. 

Mrs.  Eddy's  known  and  undisputed  writings  are 
very  limited  in  bulk;  they  exhibit  no  depth,  no 
analytical  quality,  no  thought  above  school-compo- 
sition size,  and  but  juvenile  ability  in  handling 
thoughts  of  even  that  modest  magnitude.  She  has 
a  fine  commercial  ability,  and  could  govern  a  vast 
railway  system  in  great  style;  she  could  draft  a 
set  of  rules  that  Satan  himself  would  say  could  not 
be  improved  on — for  devilish  effectiveness — by  his 
staff;  but  we  know,  by  our  excursions  among  the 
Mother  Church's  By-laws,  that  their  English  would 
discredit  the  deputy  baggage-smasher.  I  am  quite 
sure  that  Mrs.  Eddy  cannot  write  well  upon  any 
subject,  even  a  commercial  one. 

In  the  very  first  revision  of  Science  and  Health 
(1883),  Mrs.  Eddy  wrote  a  Preface  which  is  an 
unimpeachable  witness  that  the  rest  of  the  book 

211 


MARK    TWAIN 

was  written  by  somebody  else.  I  have  put  it  in  the 
Appendix '  along  with  a  page  or  two  taken  from  the 
body  of  the  book,2  and  will  ask  the  reader  to  compare 
the  labored  and  lumbering  and  confused  gropings 
of  this  Preface  with  the  easy  and  flowing  and  direct 
English  of  the  other  exhibit,  and  see  if  he  can  believe 
that  the  one  hand  and  brain  produced  both. 

And  let  him  take  the  Preface  apart,  sentence  by 
sentence,  and  searchingly  examine  each  sentence 
word  by  word,  and  see  if  he  can  find  half  a  dozen 
sentences  whose  meanings  he  is  so  sure  of  that  he 
can  rephrase  them — in  words  of  his  own — and  re- 
produce what  he  takes  to  be  those  meanings.  Money 
can  be  lost  on  this  game.  I  know,  for  I  am  the  one 
that  lost  it. 

Now  let  the  reader  turn  to  the  excerpt  which  I 
have  made  from  the  chapter  on  " Prayer"3  (last 
year's  edition  of  Science  and  Health),  and  compare 
that  wise  and  sane  and  elevated  and  lucid  and  com- 
pact piece  of  work  with  the  aforesaid  Preface,  and 
with  Mrs.  Eddy's  poetry  concerning  the  gymnastic 
trees,  and  Minerva's  not  yet  effete  sandals,  and  the 
wreaths  imported  from  Erudition's  bower  for  the 
decoration  of  Plymouth  Rock,  and  the  Plague-spot 
and  Bacilli,  and  my  other  exhibits  (turn  back  to  my 
Chapters  I  and  II)  from  the  Autobiography,  and 
finally  with  the  late  Communication  concerning  me,4 
and  see  if  he  thinks  anybody's  affirmation,  or  any- 

1  See  Appendix  A.— M.  T. 
2 Appendix  B—  M.  T. 

3  See  Appendix. — M.  T. 

4  See  Appendix.  This  reference  is  to  the  article  "Mrs.  Eddy  in 
Error,"  in  the  North  American  Review  for  April,  1903. — M.  T. 

212 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

body's  sworn  testimony,  or  any  other  testimony  of 
any  imaginable  kind,  would  ever  be  likely  to  con- 
vince him,  that  Mrs.  Eddy  wrote  that  chapter  on 
Prayer. 

I  do  not  wish  to  impose  my  opinion  on  any  one 
who  will  not  permit  it,  but  such  as  it  is  I  offer  it 
here  for  what  it  is  worth.  I  cannot  believe,  and  I 
do  not  believe,  that  Mrs.  Eddy  originated  any  of 
the  thoughts  and  reasonings  out  of  which  the  book 
Science  and  Health  is  constructed;  and  I  cannot 
believe,  and  do  not  believe  that  she  ever  wrote  any 
part  of  that  book. 

I  think  that  if  anything  in  the  world  stands 
proven,  and  well  and  solidly  proven,  by  unimpeach- 
able testimony — the  treacherous  testimony  of  her 
own  pen  in  her  known  and  undisputed  literary  pro- 
ductions— it  is  that  Mrs.  Eddy  is  not  capable  of 
thinking  upon  high  planes,  nor  of  reasoning  clearly 
nor  writing  intelligently  upon  low  ones. 

Inasmuch  as — in  my  belief — the  very  first  editions 
of  the  book  Science  and  Health  were  far  above  the 
reach  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  mental  and  literary  abilities, 
I  think  she  has  from  the  very  beginning  been  claiming 
as  her  own  another  person's  book,  and  wearing  as 
her  own  property  laurels  rightfully  belonging  to  that 
person — the  real  author  of  Science  and  Health.  And 
I  think  the  reason — and  the  only  reason — that  he 
has  not  protested  is  because  his  work  was  not  ex- 
posed to  print  until  after  he  was  safely  dead. 

That  with  an  eye  to  business,  and  by  grace  of 
her  business  talent,  she  has  restored  to  the  world 
neglected  and  abandoned  features  of  the  Christian 

213 


MARK    TWAIN 

religion  which  her  thousands  of  followers  find  gra- 
cious and  blessed  and  contenting,  I  recognize  and 
confess;  but  I  am  convinced  that  every  single  detail 
of  the  work  except  just  that  one — the  delivery  of  the 
product  to  the  world — was  conceived  and  performed 
by  another. 


APPENDIX  A 

original  first  preface  to  Science  and  Health 

There  seems  a  Christian  necessity  of  learning 
God's  power  and  purpose  to  heal  both  mind  and 
body.  This  thought  grew  out  of  our  early  seeking 
Him  in  all  our  ways,  and  a  hopeless  as  singular 
invalidism  that  drugs  increased  instead  of  diminished, 
and  hygiene  benefited  only  for  a  season.  By  degrees 
we  have  drifted  into  more  spiritual  latitudes  of 
thought,  and  experimented  as  we  advanced  until 
demonstrating  fully  the  power  of  mind  over  the 
body.  About  the  year  1862,  having  heard  of  a 
mesmerist  in  Portland  who  was  treating  the  sick  by 
manipulation,  we  visited  him;  he  helped  us  for  a 
time,  then  we  relapsed  somewhat.  Alter  his  decease, 
and  a  severe  casualty  deemed  fatal  by  skilful 
physicians,  we  discovered  that  the  Principle  of  all 
healing  and  the  law  that  governs  it  is  God,  a  divine 
Principle,  and  a  spiritual  not  material  law,  and  re- 
gained health. 

It  was  not  an  individual  or  mortal  mind  acting 
upon  another  so-called  mind  that  healed  us.  It  was 
the  glorious  truths  of  Christian  Science  that  we  dis- 
covered as  we  neared  that  verge  of  so-called  material 
life  named  death;  yea,  it  was  the  great  Shekinah,  the 
spirit   of   Life,    Truth,    and   Love  illuminating  our 

215 


MARK    TWAIN 

understanding  of  the  action  and  might  of  Omnipo- 
tence !  The  old  gentleman  to  whom  we  have  referred 
had  some  very  advanced  views  on  healing,  but  he 
was  not  avowedly  religious  neither  scholarly..  We 
interchanged  thoughts  on  the  subject  of  healing  the 
sick.  I  restored  some  patients  of  his  that  he  failed 
to  heal,  and  left  in  his  possession  some  manuscripts 
of  mine  containing  corrections  of  his  desultory 
pennings,  which  I  am  informed  at  his  decease  passed 
into  the  hands  of  a  patient  of  his,  now  residing  in 
Scotland.  He  died  in  1865  and  left  no  published 
works.  The  only  manuscript  that  we  ever  held  of 
his,  longer  than  to  correct  it,  was  one  of  perhaps  a 
dozen  pages,  most  of  which  we  had  composed.  He 
manipulated  the  sick;  hence  his  ostensible  method 
of  healing  was  physical  instead  of  mental.  We 
helped  him  in  the  esteem  of  the  public  by  our  writ- 
ings, but  never  knew  of  his  stating  orally  or  in 
writing  that  he  treated  his  patients  mentally;  never 
heard  him  give  any  directions  to  that  effect;  and  have 
it  from  one  of  his  patients,  who  now  asserts  that  he 
was  the  founder  of  mental  healing,  that  he  never 
revealed  to  any  one  his  method.  We  refer  to  these 
facts  simply  to  refute  the  calumnies  and  false  claims 
of  our  enemies,  that  we  are  preferring  dishonest 
claims  to  the  discovery  and  founding  at  this  period 
of  Metaphysical  Healing  or  Christian  Science. 

The  Science  and  laws  of  a  purely  mental  healing 
and  their  method  of  application  through  spiritual 
power  alone,  else  a  mental  argument  against  disease, 
are  our  own  discovery  at  this  date.  True,  the  Prin- 
ciple is  divine  and  eternal;  but  the  application  of  it 

216 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

to  heal  the  sick  had  been  lost  sight  of,  and  required 
to  be  again  spiritually  discerned  and  its  science  dis- 
covered, that  man  might  retain  it  through  the 
understanding.  Since  our  discovery  in  1866  of  the 
divine  science  of  Christian  Healing,  we  have  labored 
with  tongue  and  pen  to  found  this  system.  In  this 
endeavor  every  obstacle  has  been  thrown  in  our  path 
that  the  envy  and  revenge  of  a  few  disaffected  stu- 
dents could  devise.  The  superstition  and  ignorance 
of  even  this  period  have  not  failed  to  contribute 
their  mite  toward  misjudging  us,  while  its  Christian 
advancement  and  scientific  research  have  helped 
sustain  our  feeble  efforts. 

Since  our  first  Edition  of  Science  and  Health, 
published  in  1875,  two  of  the  aforesaid  students  have 
plagiarized  and  pirated  our  works.  In  the  issues  of 
E.  J.  A.,  almost  exclusively  ours,  were  thirteen  para- 
graphs, without  credit,  taken  verbatim  from  our 
books. 

Not  one  of  our  printed  works  was  ever  copied  or 
abstracted  from  the  published  or  from  the  unpub- 
lished writings  of  any  one.  Throughout  our  publica- 
tions of  Metaphysical  Healing  or  Christian  Science, 
when  writing  or  dictating  them,  we  have  given  our- 
selves to  contemplation  wholly  apart  from  the  ob- 
servation of  the  material  senses:  to  look  upon  a 
copy  would  have  distracted  our  thoughts  from  the 
subject  before  us.  We  were  seldom  able  to  copy 
our  own  compositions,  and  have  employed  an 
amanuensis  for  the  last  six  years.  Every  work  that 
we  have  had  published  has  been  extemporaneously 
written;  and  out  of  fifty  lectures  and  sermons  that 
15  217 


MARK     TWAIN 

we  have  delivered  the  last  year,  forty-four  have  been 
extemporaneous.  We  have  distributed  many  of  our 
unpublished    manuscripts;    loaned    to    one    of    our 

youngest  students,  R.  K y,  between  three  and 

four  hundred  pages,  of  which  we  were  sole  author — 
giving  him  liberty  to  copy  but  not  to  publish  them. 

Leaning  on  the  sustaining  Infinite  with  loving 
trust,  the  trials  of  to-day  grow  brief,  and  to-morrow 
is  big  with  blessings. 

The  wakeful  shepherd,  tending  his  flocks,  beholds 
from  the  mountain's  top  the  first  faint  morning 
beam  ere  cometh  the  risen  day.  So  from  Soul's 
loftier  summits  shines  the  pale  star  to  prophet- 
shepherd,  and  it  traverses  night,  over  to  where  the 
young  child  lies,  in  cradled  obscurity,  that  shall 
waken  a  world.  Over  the  night  of  error  dawn  the 
morning  beams  and  guiding  star  of  Truth,  and  "the 
wise  men'*  are  led  by  it  to  Science,  which  repeats  the 
eternal  harmony  that  it  reproduced,  in  proof  of  im- 
mortality. The  time  for  thinkers  has  come;  and 
the  time  for  revolutions,  ecclesiastical  and  civil, 
must  come.  Truth,  independent  of  doctrines  or 
time-honored  systems,  stands  at  the  threshold  of 
history.  Contentment  with  the  past,  or  the  cold 
conventionality  of  custom,  may  no  longer  shut  the 
door  on  science;  though  empires  fall,  "He  whose 
right  it  is  shall  reign."  Ignorance  of  God  should  no 
longer  be  the  stepping-stone  to  faith;  understanding 
Him,  "whom  to  know  aright  is  Life  eternal,"  is  the 
only  guaranty  of  obedience. 

This  volume  may  not  open  a  new  thought,  and 
make  it  at  once  familiar.     It  has  the  sturdy  task  of 

218 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

a  pioneer,  to  hack  away  at  the  tall  oaks  and  cut  the 
rough  granite,  leaving  future  ages  to  declare  what 
it  has  done.  We  made  our  first  discovery  of  the 
adaptation  of  metaphysics  to  the  treatment  of  dis- 
ease in  the  winter  of  1866;  since  then  we  have  tested 
the  Principle  on  ourselves  and  others,  and  never 
found  it  to  fail  to  prove  the  statements  herein  made 
of  it.  We  must  learn  the  science  of  Life,  to  reach  the 
perfection  of  man.  To  understand  God  as  the  Prin- 
ciple of  all  being,  and  to  live  in  accordance  with  this 
Principle,  is  the  Science  of  Life.  But  to  reproduce 
this  harmony  of  being,  the  error  of  personal  sense 
must  yield  to  science,  even  as  the  science  of  music 
corrects  tones  caught  from  the  ear,  and  gives  the 
sweet  concord  of  sound.  There  are  many  theories 
of  physic  and  theology,  and  many  calls  in  each  of 
their  directions  for  the  right  way;  but  we  propose  to 
settle  the  question  of  "What  is  Truth?"  on  the 
ground  of  proof,  and  let  that  method  of  healing  the 
sick  and  establishing  Christianity  be  adopted  that 
is  found  to  give  the  most  health  and  to  make  the  best 
Christians;  science  will  then  have  a  fair  field,  in 
which  case  we  are  assured  of  its  triumph  over  all 
opinions  and  beliefs.  Sickness  and  sin  have  ever  had 
their  doctors;  but  the  question  is,  Have  they  become 
less  because  of  them?  The  longevity  of  our  ante- 
diluvians would  say,  No!  and  the  criminal  records 
of  to-day  utter  their  voices  little  in  favor  of  such  a 
conclusion.  Not  that  we  would  deny  to  Caesar  the 
things  that  are  his,  but  that  we  ask  for  the  things 
that  belong  to  Truth;  and  safely  affirm,  from  the 
demonstrations  we  have  been  able  to  make,  that  the 

219 


MARK     TWAIN 

science  of  man  understood  would  have  eradicated  sin, 
sickness,  and  death,  in  a  less  period  than  six  thousand 
years.  We  find  great  difficulties  in  starting  this 
work  right.  Some  shockingly  false  claims  are  al- 
ready made  to  a  metaphysical  practice;  mesmerism, 
its  very  antipodes,  is  one  of  them.  Hitherto  we  have 
never,  in  a  single  instance  of  our  discovery,  found  the 
slightest  resemblance  between  mesmerism  and  meta- 
physics. No  especial  idiosyncrasy  is  requisite  to 
acquire  a  knowledge  of  metaphysical  healing;  spir- 
itual sense  is  more  important  to  its  discernment  than 
the  intellect;  and  those  who  would  learn  this  science 
without  a  high  moral  standard  of  thought  and 
action,  will  fail  to  understand  it  until  they  go  up 
higher.  Owing  to  our  explanations  constantly  vi- 
brating between  the  same  points,  an  irksome  repe- 
tition of  words  must  occur;  also  the  use  of  capital 
letters,  genders,  and  technicalities  peculiar  to  the 
science.  Variety  of  language,  or  beauty  of  diction, 
must  give  place  to  close  analysis  and  unembellished 
thought.  "Hoping  all  things,  enduring  all  things," 
to  do  good  to  our  enemies,  to  bless  them  that  curse 
us,  and  to  bear  to  the  sorrowing  and  the  sick  con- 
solation and  healing,  we  commit  these  pages  to 
posterity. 

Mary  Baker  G.  Eddy. 


APPENDIX  B 

The  Gospel  narratives  bear  brief  testimony  even 
to  the  life  of  our  great  Master.  His  spiritual 
noumenon  and  phenomenon,  silenced  portraiture. 
Writers,  less  wise  than  the  Apostles,  essayed  in  the 
Apocryphal  New  Testament,  a  legendary  and  tra- 
ditional history  of  the  early  life  of  Jesus.  But  Saint 
Paul  summarized  the  character  of  Jesus  as  the  model 
of  Christianity,  in  these  words:  "Consider  Him  who 
endured  such  contradictions  of  sinners  against  Him- 
self. Who  for  the  joy  that  was  set  before  Him,  en- 
dured the  cross,  despising  the  shame,  and  is  set 
down  at  the  right  hand  of  the  throne  of  God." 

It  may  be  that  the  mortal  life-battle  still  wages, 
and  must  continue  till  its  involved  errors  are  van- 
quished by  victory  -  bringing  Science;  but  this 
triumph  will  come!  God  is  over  all.  He  alone  is 
our  origin,  aim,  and  Being.  The  real  man  is  not  of 
the  dust,  nor  is  he  ever  created  through  the  flesh; 
for  his  father  and  mother  are  the  one  Spirit,  and  his 
brethren  are  all  the  children  of  one  parent,  the  eternal 
Good. 

Any  kind  of  literary  composition  was  excessively 
difficult  for  Mrs.  Eddy.  She  found  it  grinding  hard 
work  to  dig  out  anything  to  say.  She  realized,  at 
the  above  stage  in  her  life,  that  with  all  her  trouble 

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MARK     TWAIN 

she  had  not  been  able  to  scratch  together  even  ma- 
terial enough  for  a  child's  Autobiography,  and  also 
that  what  she  had  secured  was  in  the  main  not  valu- 
able, not  important,  considering  the  age  and  the 
fame  of  the  person  she  was  writing  about ;  and  so  it 
occurred  to  her  to  attempt,  in  that  paragraph,  to 
excuse  the  meagerness  and  poor  quality  of  the  feast 
she  was  spreading,  by  letting  on  that  she  could  do 
ever  so  much  better  if  she  wanted  to,  but  was  under 
constraint  of  Divine  etiquette.  To  feed  with  more 
than  a  few  indifferent  crumbs  a  plebeian  appetite 
for  personal  details  about  Personages  in  her  class 
was  not  the  correct  thing,  and  she  blandly  points 
out  that  there  is  Precedent  for  this  reserve.  When 
Mrs.  Eddy  tries  to  be  artful — in  literature — it  is 
generally  after  the  manner  of  the  ostrich;  and  with 
the  ostrich's  luck.  Please  try  to  find  the  connection 
between  the  two  paragraphs. — M.  T. 


APPENDIX  C 

The  following  is  the  spiritual  signification  of  the 
Lord's  Prayer: 

Principle,  eternal  and  harmonious, 

Nameless  and  adorable  Intelligence, 

Thou  art  ever  present  and  supreme. 

And  when  this  supremacy  of  Spirit  shall  appear,  the  dream  of 

matter  will  disappear. 
Give  us  the  understanding  of  Truth  and  Love. 
And  loving  we  shall  learn  God,  and  Truth  will  destroy  all  error. 
And  lead  us  unto  the  Life  that  is  Soul,  and  deliver  us  from  the 

errors  of  sense,  sin,  sickness,  and  death, 
For  God  is  Life,  Truth,  and  Love  forever. 

— Science  and  Health,  edition  of  1881. 

It  seems  to  me  that  this  one  is  distinctly  superior 
to  the  one  that  was  inspired  for  last  year's  edition. 
It  is  strange,  but  to  my  mind  plain,  that  inspiring 
is  an  art  which  does  not  improve  with  practice. — 
M.  T. 


APPENDIX  D 

For  verily  I  say  unto  you,  That  whosoever  shall  say  unto  this 
mountain,  Be  thou  removed,  and  be  thou  cast  into  the  sea;  and 
shall  not  doubt  in  his  heart,  but  shall  believe  that  those  things 
which  he  saith  shall  come  to  pass;  he  shall  have  whatsoever  he 
saith.  Therefore  I  say  unto  you,  What  things  soever  ye  desire 
when  ye  pray,  believe  that  ye  receive  them,  and  ye  shall  have 
them. 

Your  Father  knoweth  what  things  ye  have  need  of,  before 
ye  ask  Him. — Christ  Jesus. 

The  prayer  that  reclaims  the  sinner  and  heals 
the  sick,  is  an  absolute  faith  that  all  things  are 
possible  to  God — a  spiritual  understanding  of  Him — 
an  unselfed  love.  Regardless  of  what  another  may- 
say  or  think  on  this  subject,  I  speak  from  experience. 
This  prayer,  combined  with  self-sacrifice  and  toil, 
is  the  means  whereby  God  has  enabled  me  to  do 
what  I  have  done  for  the  religion  and  health  of 
mankind. 

Thoughts  unspoken  are  not  unknown  to  the  di- 
vine Mind.  Desire  is  prayer;  and  no  less  can  occur 
from  trusting  God  with  our  desires,  that  they  may 
be  molded  and  exalted  before  they  take  form  in 
audible  word,  and  in  deeds. 

What  are  the  motives  for  prayer?  Do  we  pray 
to  make  ourselves  better,  or  to  benefit  those  that  hear 
us;  to  enlighten  the  Infinite,  or  to  be  heard  of  men? 
Are  we  benefited  by  praying?    Yes,  the  desire  which 

224 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

goes  forth  hungering  after  righteousness  is  blessed 
of  our  Father,  and  it  does  not  return  unto  us  void. 

God  is  not  moved  by  the  breath  of  praise  to  do 
more  than  He  has  already  done ;  nor  can  the  Infinite 
do  less  than  bestow  all  good,  since  He  is  unchanging 
Wisdom  and  Love.  We  can  do  more  for  ourselves 
by  humble  fervent  petitions;  but  the  All-loving  does 
not  grant  them  simply  on  the  ground  of  lip-service, 
for  He  already  knows  all. 

Prayer  cannot  change  the  Science  of  Being,  but 
it  does  bring  us  into  harmony  with  it.  Goodness 
reaches  the  demonstration  of  Truth.  A  request 
that  another  may  work  for  us  never  does  our  work. 
The  habit  of  pleading  with  the  divine  Mind,  as  one 
pleads  with  a  human  being,  perpetuates  the  belief 
in  God  as  humanly  circumscribed — an  error  which 
impedes  spiritual  growth. 

God  is  Love.  Can  we  ask  Him  to  be  more?  God 
is  Intelligence.  Can  we  inform  the  infinite  Mind, 
or  tell  Him  anything  He  does  not  already  compre- 
hend? Do  we  hope  to  change  perfection?  Shall 
we  plead  for  more  at  the  open  fount,  which  always 
pours  forth  more  than  we  receive?  The  unspoken 
prayer  does  bring  us  nearer  the  Source  of  all  exist- 
ence and  blessedness. 

Asking  God  to  be  God  is  a  ''vain  repetition." 
God  is  "the  same  yesterday,  and  to-day,  and  for- 
ever"; and  He  who  is  immutably  right  will  do  right, 
without  being  reminded  of  His  province.  The  wis- 
dom of  man  is  not  sufficient  to  warrant  him  in  ad- 
vising God. 

Who  would  stand  before  a  blackboard,  and  pray 

225 


MARK     TWAIN 

the  principle  of  mathematics  to  work  out  the  prob- 
lem? The  rule  is  already  established,  and  it  is  our 
task  to  work  out  the  solution.  Shall  we  ask  the  di- 
vine Principle  of  all  goodness  to  do  His  own  work? 
His  work  is  done;  and  we  have  only  to  avail  our- 
selves of  God's  rule,  in  order  to  receive  the  blessing 
thereof. 

The  divine  Being  must  be  reflected  by  man — else 
man  is  not  the  image  and  likeness  of  the  patient, 
tender,  and  true,  the  one  "altogether  lovely";  but 
to  understand  God  is  the  work  of  eternity,  and 
demands  absolute  concentration  of  thought  and 
energy. 

How  empty  are  our  conceptions  of  Deity!  We 
admit  theoretically  that  God  is  good,  omnipotent, 
omnipresent,  infinite,  and  then  we  try  to  give  in- 
formation to  this  infinite  Mind;  and  plead  for  un- 
merited pardon,  and  a  liberal  outpouring  of  bene- 
factions. Are  we  really  grateful  for  the  good  already 
received  ?  Then  we  shall  avail  ourselves  of  the  bless- 
ings we  have,  and  thus  be  fitted  to  receive  more. 
Gratitude  is  much  more  than  a  verbal  expression 
of  thanks.  Action  expresses  more  gratitude  than 
speech. 

If  we  are  ungrateful  for  Life,  Truth,  and  Love,  and 
yet  return  thanks  to  God  for  all  blessings,  we  are 
insincere;  and  incur  the  sharp  censure  our  Master 
pronounces  on  hypocrites.  In  such  a  case  the  only 
acceptable  prayer  is  to  put  the  finger  on  the  lips  and 
remember  our  blessings.  While  the  heart  is  far  from 
divine  Truth  and  Love,  we  cannot  conceal  the  in- 
gratitude of  barren  lives,  for  God  knoweth  all  things. 

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CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

What  we  most  need  is  the  prayer  of  fervent  de- 
sire for  growth  in  grace,  expressed  in  patience,  meek- 
ness, love,  and  good  deeds.  To  keep  the  command- 
ments of  our  Master  and  follow  His  example,  is  our 
proper  debt  to  Him,  and  the  only  worthy  evidence 
of  our  gratitude  for  all  He  has  done.  Outward  wor- 
ship is  not  of  itself  sufficient  to  express  loyal  and 
heartfelt  gratitude,  since  He  has  said:  "If  ye  love 
Me,  keep  My  Commandments.,, 

The  habitual  struggle  to  be  always  good,  is  un- 
ceasing prayer.  Its  motives  are  made  manifest  in 
the  blessings  they  bring — which,  if  not  acknowledged 
in  audible  words,  attest  our  worthiness  to  be  made 
partakers  of  Love. 

Simply  asking  that  we  may  love  God  will  never 
make  us  love  Him;  but  the  longing  to  be  better  and 
holier — expressed  in  daily  watchfulness,  and  in  striv- 
ing to  assimilate  more  of  the  divine  character — this 
will  mold  and  fashion  us  anew,  until  we  awake  in 
His  likeness.  We  reach  the  Science  of  Christianity 
through  demonstration  of  the  divine  nature;  but 
in  this  wicked  world  goodness  will  "be  evil  spoken 
of,"  and  patience  must  work  experience. 

Audible  prayer  can  never  do  the  works  of  spiritual 
understanding,  which  regenerates;  but  silent  prayer, 
watchfulness,  and  devout  obedience,  enable  us  to 
follow  Jesus'  example.  Long  prayers,  ecclesiasti- 
cism,  and  creeds,  have  clipped  the  divine  pinions  of 
Love,  and  clad  religion  in  human  robes.  They 
materialize  worship,  hinder  the  Spirit,  and  keep  man 
from  demonstrating  his  power  over  error. 

Sorrow  for  wrong-doing  is  but  one  step  toward 

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MARK     TWAIN 

reform,  and  the  very  easiest  step.  The  next  and 
great  step  required  by  Wisdom  is  the  test  of  our 
sincerity — namely,  reformation.  To  this  end  we  are 
placed  under  the  stress  of  circumstances.  Tempta- 
tion bids  us  repeat  the  offense,  and  woe  comes  in 
return  for  what  is  done.  So  it  will  ever  be,  till  we 
learn  that  there  is  no  discount  in  the  law  of  justice, 
and  that  we  must  pay  "the  uttermost  farthing." 
The  measure  ye  mete  "shall  be  measured  to  you 
again,"  and  it  will  be  full  "and  running  over." 

Saints  and  sinners  get  their  full  award,  but  not 
always  in  this  world.  The  followers  of  Christ  drank 
His  cup.  Ingratitude  and  persecution  filled  it  to  the 
brim;  but  God  pours  the  riches  of  His  love  into  the 
understanding  and  affections,  giving  us  strength 
according  to  our  day.  Sinners  flourish  "like  a  green 
bay-tree";  but,  looking  farther,  the  Psalmist  could 
see  their  end — namely,  the  destruction  of  sin  through 
suffering. 

Prayer  is  sometimes  used,  as  a  confessional,  to 
cancel  sin.  This  error  impedes  true  religion.  Sin  is 
forgiven,  only  as  it  is  destroyed  by  Christ — Truth 
and  Life.  If  prayer  nourishes  the  belief  that  sin  is 
canceled,  and  that  man  is  made  better  by  merely 
praying,  it  is  an  evil.  He  grows  worse  who  con- 
tinues in  sin  because  he  thinks  himself  forgiven. 

An  apostle  says  that  the  Son  of  God  (Christ)  came 
to  "destroy  the  works  of  the  devil."  We  should  fol- 
low our  divine  Exemplar,  and  seek  the  destruction  of 
all  evil  works,  error  and  disease  included.  We  cannot 
escape  the  penalty  due  for  sin.  The  Scriptures  say, 
that  if  we  deny  Christ,  "He  also  will  deny  us." 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

The  divine  Love  corrects  and  governs  man.  Men 
may  pardon,  but  this  divine  Principle  alone  reforms 
the  sinner.  God  is  not  separate  from  the  wisdom 
He  bestows.  The  talents  He  gives  we  must  improve. 
Calling  on  Him  to  forgive  our  work,  badly  done  or 
left  undone,  implies  the  vain  supposition  that  we  have 
nothing  to  do  but  to  ask  pardon,  and  that  afterward 
we  shall  be  free  to  repeat  the  offense. 

To  cause  suffering,  as  the  result  of  sin,  is  the 
means  of  destroying  sin.  Every  supposed  pleasure 
in  sin  will  furnish  more  than  its  equivalent  of  pain, 
until  belief  in  material  life  and  sin  is  destroyed.  To 
reach  heaven,  the  harmony  of  Being,  we  must  under- 
stand the  divine  Principle  of  Being. 

"God  is  Love."  More  than  this  we  cannot  ask; 
higher  we  cannot  look;  farther  we  cannot  go.  To 
suppose  that  God  forgives  or  punishes  sin,  according 
as  His  mercy  is  sought  or  unsought,  is  to  misunder- 
stand Love  and  make  prayer  the  safety-valve  for 
wrong-doing. 

Jesus  uncovered  and  rebuked  sin  before  He  cast 
it  out.  Of  a  sick  woman  He  said  that  Satan  had 
bound  her;  and  to  Peter  He  said,  "Thou  art  an 
offense  unto  me."  He  came  teaching  and  showing 
men  how  to  destroy  sin,  sickness,  and  death.  He 
said  of  the  fruitless  tree,  "It  is  hewn  down." 

It  is  believed  by  many  that  a  certain  magistrate, 
who  lived  in  the  time  of  Jesus,  left  this  record: 
' '  His  rebuke  is  fearful."  The  strong  language  of  our 
Master  confirms  this  description. 

The  only  civil  sentence  which  He  had  for  error  was, 
"Get  thee  behind  Me,  Satan."     Still  stronger  evi- 

229 


MARK    TWAIN 

dence  that  Jesus'  reproof  was  pointed  and  pungent 
is  in  His  own  words — showing  the  necessity  for  such 
forcible  utterance,  when  He  cast  out  devils  and 
healed  the  sick  and  sinful.  The  relinquishment  of 
error  deprives  material  sense  of  its  false  claims. 

Audible  prayer  is  impressive;  it  gives  momentary 
solemnity  and  elevation  to  thought;  but  does  it  pro- 
duce any  lasting  benefit  ?  Looking  deeply  into  these 
things,  we  find  that  "a  zeal  .  .  .  not  according  to 
knowledge,"  gives  occasion  for  reaction  unfavorable 
to  spiritual  growth,  sober  resolve,  and  wholesome 
perception  of  God's  requirements.  The  motives 
for  verbal  prayer  may  embrace  too  much  love  of 
applause  to  induce  or  encourage  Christian  sentiment. 

Physical  sensation,  not  Soul,  produces  material 
ecstasy,  and  emotions.  If  spiritual  sense  always 
guided  men  at  such  times,  there  would  grow  out  of 
those  ecstatic  moments  a  higher  experience  and  a 
better  life,  with  more  devout  self-abnegation,  and 
purity.  A  self-satisfied  ventilation  of  fervent  senti- 
ments never  makes  a  Christian.  God  is  not  influ- 
enced by  man.  The  "divine  ear"  is  not  an  audi- 
torial nerve.  It  is  the  all-hearing  and  all-knowing 
Mind,  to  whom  each  want  of  man  is  always  known, 
and  by  whom  it  will  be  supplied. 

The  danger  from  audible  prayer  is,  that  it  may 
lead  us  into  temptation.  By  it  we  may  become 
involuntary  hypocrites,  uttering  desires  which  are 
not  real,  and  consoling  ourselves  in  the  midst  of  sin, 
with  the  recollection  that  we  have  prayed  over  it — 
or  mean  to  ask  forgiveness  at  some  later  day. 
Hypocrisy  is  fatal  to  religion. 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

A  wordy  prayer  may  afford  a  quiet  sense  of  self- 
justification,  though  it  makes  the  sinner  a  hypocrite. 
We  never  need  despair  of  an  honest  heart ;  but  there 
is  little  hope  for  those  who  only  come  spasmodically 
face  to  face  with  their  wickedness,  and  then  seek  to 
hide  it.  Their  prayers  are  indexes  which  do  not 
correspond  with  their  character.  They  hold  secret 
fellowship  with  sin;  and  such  externals  are  spoken 
of  by  Jesus  as  "like  unto  whited  sepulchers  .  .  .  full 
of  all  uncleanness." 

If  a  man,  though  apparently  fervent  and  prayerful, 
is  impure,  and  therefore  insincere,  what  must  be  the 
comment  upon  him?  If  he  had  reached  the  loftiness 
of  his  prayer,  there  would  be  no  occasion  for  such 
comment.  If  we  feel  the  aspiration,  humility,  grati- 
tude, and  love  which  our  words  express — this  God 
accepts ;  and  it  is  wise  not  to  try  to  deceive  ourselves 
or  others,  for  "there  is  nothing  covered  that  shall 
not  be  revealed.,,  Professions  and  audible  prayers 
are  like  charity  in  one  respect — they  "cover  a  multi- 
tude of  sins."  Praying  for  humility,  with  whatever 
fervency  of  expression,  does  not  always  mean  a 
desire  for  it.  If  we  turn  away  from  the  poor,  we  are 
not  ready  to  receive  the  reward  of  Him  who  blesses 
the  poor.  We  confess  to  having  a  very  wicked 
heart,  and  ask  that  it  may  be  laid  bare  before  us; 
but  do  we  not  already  know  more  of  this  heart  than 
we  are  willing  to  have  our  neighbor  see? 

We  ought  to  examine  ourselves,  and  learn  what  is 
the  affection  and  purpose  of  the  heart;  for  this  alone 
can  show  us  what  we  honestly  are.  If  a  friend  in- 
forms us  of  a  fault,  do  we  listen  to  the  rebuke  pa- 

231 


MARK     TWAIN 

tiently,  and  credit  what  is  said?  Do  we  not  rather 
give  thanks  that  we  are ' !  not  as  other  men ' '  ?  During 
many  years  the  author  has  been  most  grateful  for 
merited  rebuke.  The  sting  lies  in  unmerited  censure 
— in  the  falsehood  which  does  no  one  any  good. 

The  test  of  all  prayer  lies  in  the  answer  to  these 
questions:  Do  we  love  our  neighbor  better  because 
of  this  asking?  Do  we  pursue  the  old  selfishness, 
satisfied  with  having  prayed  for  something  better, 
though  we  give  no  evidence  of  the  sincerity  of  our 
requests  by  living  consistently  with  our  prayer?  If 
selfishness  has  given  place  to  kindness,  we  shall 
regard  our  neighbor  unselfishly,  and  bless  them  that 
curse  us ;  but  we  shall  never  meet  this  great  duty  by 
simply  asking  that  it  may  be  done.  There  is  a  cross 
to  be  taken  up,  before  we  can  enjoy  the  fruition  of 
our  hope  and  faith. 

Dost  thou  "love  the  Lord  thy  God  with  all  thy 
heart,  and  with  all  thy  soul,  and  with  all  thy  mind?" 
This  command  includes  much — even  the  surrender 
of  all  merely  material  sensation,  affection,  and 
worship.  This  is  the  El  Dorado  of  Christianity.  It 
involves  the  Science  of  Life,  and  recognizes  only  the 
divine  control  of  Spirit,  wherein  Soul  is  our  master, 
and  material  sense  and  human  will  have  no  place. 

Are  you  willing  to  leave  all  for  Christ,  for  Truth, 
and  so  be  counted  among  sinners?  No!  Do  you 
really  desire  to  attain  this  point?  No!  Then  why 
make  long  prayers  about  it,  and  ask  to  be  Christians, 
since  you  care  not  to  tread  in  the  footsteps  of  our 
dear  Master?  If  unwilling  to  follow  His  example, 
wherefore  pray  with  the  lips  that  you  may  be  par- 

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CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

takers  of  His  nature?  Consistent  prayer  is  the 
desire  to  do  right.  Prayer  means  that  we  desire  to, 
and  will,  walk  in  the  light  so  far  as  we  receive  it, 
even  though  with  bleeding  footsteps,  and  waiting 
patiently  on  the  Lord,  will  leave  our  real  desires  to 
be  rewarded  by  Him. 

The  world  must  grow  to  the  spiritual  understand- 
ing of  prayer.  If  good  enough  to  profit  by  Jesus' 
cup  of  earthly  sorrows,  God  will  sustain  us  under 
these  sorrows.  Until  we  are  thus  divinely  qualified, 
and  willing  to  drink  His  cup,  millions  of  vain  repeti- 
tions will  never  pour  into  prayer  the  unction  of 
Spirit,  in  demonstration  of  power,  and  "with  signs 
following.' '  Christian  Science  reveals  a  necessity 
for  overcoming  the  world,  the  flesh  and  evil,  and  thus 
destroying  all  error. 

Seeking  is  not  sufficient.  It  is  striving  which 
enables  us  to  enter.  Spiritual  attainments  open 
the  door  to  a  higher  understanding  of  the  divine 
Life. 

One  of  the  forms  of  worship  in  Thibet  is  to 
carry  a  praying-machine  through  the  streets,  and 
stop  at  the  doors  to  earn  a  penny  by  grinding 
out  a  prayer;  whereas  civilization  pays  for  clerical 
prayers,  in  lofty  edifices.  Is  the  difference  very 
great,  after  all? 

Experience  teaches  us  that  we  do  not  always  re- 
ceive the  blessings  we  ask  for  in  prayer.  There  is 
some  misapprehension  of  the  source  and  means  of  all 
goodness  and  blessedness,  or  we  should  certainly 
receive  what  we  ask  for.  The  Scriptures  say:  "Ye 
ask,  and  receive  not,  because  ye  ask  amiss,  that  ye 
i6  233 


MARJC    TWAIN 

may  consume  it  upon  your  lusts."  What  we  desire 
and  ask  for  it  is  not  always  best  for  us  to  receive.  In 
this  case  infinite  Love  will  not  grant  the  request.  Do 
you  ask.  Wisdom  to  be  merciful,  and  not  punish  sin  ? 
Then  "ye  ask  amiss."  Without  punishment,  sin 
would  multiply.  Jesus*  prayer,  "forgive  us  our 
debts,"  specified  also  the  terms  of  forgiveness. 
When  forgiving  the  adulterous  woman  He  said, 
"Go,  and  sin  no  more." 

A  magistrate  sometimes  remits  the  penalty,  but 
this  may  be  no  moral  benefit  to  the  criminal;  and 
at  best,  it  only  saves  him  from  one  form  of  punish- 
ment. The  moral  law,  which  has  the  right  to 
acquit  or  condemn,  always  demands  restitution, 
before  mortals  can  "go  up  higher."  Broken  law 
brings  penalty,  in  order  to  compel  this  progress. 

Mere  legal  pardon  (and  there  is  no  other,  for 
divine  Principle  never  pardons  our  sins  or  mistakes 
till  they  are  corrected)  leaves  the  offender  free  to 
repeat  the  offense;  if,  indeed,  he  has  not  already 
suffered  sufficiently  from  vice  to  make  him  turn 
from  it  with  loathing.  Truth  bestows  no  pardon 
upon  error,  but  wipes  it  out  in  the  most  effectual 
manner.  Jesus  suffered  for  our  sins,  not  to  annul 
the  divine  sentence  against  an  individual's  sin,  but 
to  show  that  sin  must  bring  inevitable  suffering. 

Petitions  only  bring  to  mortals  the  results  of  their 
own  faith.  We  know  that  a  desire  for  holiness  is 
requisite  in  order  to  gain  it ;  but  if  we  desire  holiness 
above  all  else,  we  shall  sacrifice  everything  for  it. 
We  must  be  willing  to  do  this,  that  we  may  walk 
.securely   in   the   only   practical   road   to   holiness. 

234 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

Prayer  alone  cannot  change  the  unalterable  Truth, 
or  give  us  an  understanding  of  it ;  but  prayer  coupled 
with  a  fervent  habitual  desire  to  know  and  do  the 
will  of  God  will  bring  us  into  all  Truth.  Such  a  de- 
sire has  little  need  of  audible  expression.  It  is  best 
expressed  in  thought  and  life. 


APPENDIX  E 
Reverend  Heber  Newton  on  Christian  Science: 

To  begin,  then,  at  the  beginning,  Christian 
Science  accepts  the  work  of  healing  sickness  as  an 
integral  part  of  the  discipleship  of  Jesus  Christ. 
In  Christ  it  finds,  what  the  Church  has  always 
recognized,  theoretically,  though  it  has  practically 
ignored  the  fact — the  Great  Physician.  That  Christ 
healed  the  sick,  we  none  of  us  question.  It  stands 
plainly  upon  the  record.  This  ministry  of  healing 
was  too  large  a  part  of  His  work  to  be  left  out  from 
any  picture  of  that  life.  Such  service  was  not  an 
incident  of  His  career — it  was  an  essential  element 
of  that  career.  It  was  an  integral  factor  in  His  mis- 
sion. The  Evangelists  leave  us  no  possibility  of  con- 
fusion on  this  point.  Co-equal  with  His  work  of 
instruction  and  inspiration  was  His  work  of  healing. 

The  records  make  it  equally  clear  that  the  Master 
laid  His  charge  upon  His  disciples  to  do  as  He  had 
done.  "When  He  had  called  unto  Him  His  twelve 
disciples,  He  gave  them  power  over  unclean  spirits, 
to  cast  them  out,  and  to  heal  all  manner  of  sickness 
and  all  manner  of  disease."1  In  sending  them  forth, 
1 '  He  commanded  them,  saying,  ...  As  ye  go,  preach, 
saying,  The  kingdom  of  heaven  is  at  hand.     Heal 

1  Matt,  x,  u. 
236 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

the  sick,  cleanse  the  lepers,  raise  the  dead,  cast  out 
demons."1 

That  the  twelve  disciples  undertook  to  do  the 
Master's  work  of  healing,  and  that  they,  in  their 
measure,  succeeded,  seems  beyond  question.  They 
found  in  themselves  the  same  power  that  the  Master 
found  in  Himself,  and  they  used  it  as  He  had  used 
His  power.  '  The  record  of  The  Acts  of  the  Apostles, 
if  at  all  trustworthy  history,  shows  that  they,  too, 
healed  the  sick. 

Beyond  the  circle  of  the  original  twelve,  it  is 
equally  clear  that  the  early  disciples  believed  them- 
selves charged  with  the  same  mission,  and  that  they 
sought  to  fulfil  it.  The  records  of  the  early  Church 
make  it  indisputable  that  powers  of  healing  were 
recognized  as  among  the  gifts  of  the  Spirit.  St. 
Paul's  letters  render  it  certain  that  these  gifts  were 
not  a  privilege  of  the  original  twelve,  merely,  but 
that  they  were  the  heritage  into  which  all  the  dis- 
ciples entered. 

Beyond  the  era  of  the  primitive  Church,  through 
several  generations,  the  early  Christians  felt  them- 
selves called  to  the  same  ministry  of  healing,  and 
enabled  with  the  same  secret  of  power.  Through 
well-nigh  three  centuries,  the  gifts  of  healing  appear 
to  have  been,  more  or  less,  recognized  and  exercised 
in  the  Church.  Through  those  generations,  how- 
ever, there  was  a  gradual  disuse  of  this  power,  fol- 
lowing upon  a  failing  recognition  of  its  possession. 
That  which  was  originally  the  rule  became  the  ex- 

1  Matt,  x,  5,  7,  8. 
237 


MARK    TWAIN 

ception.  By  degrees,  the  sense  of  authority  and 
power  to  heal  passed  out  from  the  consciousness  of 
the  Church.  It  ceased  to  be  a  sign  of  the  indwelling 
Spirit.  For  fifteen  centuries,  the  recognition  of  this 
authority  and  power  has  been  altogether  exceptional. 
Here  and  there,  through  the  history  of  these  cen- 
turies, there  have  been  those  who  have  entered  into 
this  belief  of  their  own  privilege  and  duty,  and  have 
used  the  gift  which  they  recognized.  The  Church 
has  never  been  left  without  a  line  of  witnesses  to  this 
aspect  of  the  discipleship  of  Christ.  But  she  has 
come  to  accept  it  as  the  normal  order  of  things  that 
what  was  once  the  rule  in  the  Christian  Church 
should  be  now  only  the  exception.  Orthodoxy  has 
framed  a  theory  of  the  words  of  Jesus  to  account  for 
this  strange  departure  of  His  Church  from  them. 
It  teaches  us  to  believe  that  His  example  was  not 
meant  to  be  followed,  in  this  respect,  by  all  His 
disciples.  The  power  of  healing  which  was  in  Him 
was  a  purely  exceptional  power.  It  was  used  as  an 
evidence  of  His  divine  mission.  It  was  a  miraculous 
gift.  The  gift  of  working  miracles  was  not  bestowed 
upon  His  Church  at  large.  His  original  disciples, 
the  twelve  apostles,  received  this  gift,  as  a  necessity 
of  the  critical  epoch  of  Christianity — £he  founding  of 
the  Church.  Traces  of  the  power  lingered  on,  in 
weakening  activity,  until  they  gradually  ceased,  and 
the  normal  condition  of  the  Church  was  entered 
upon,  in  which  miracles  are  no  longer  possible. 

We  accept  this,  unconsciously,  as  the  true  state 
of  things  in  Christianity.  But  it  is  a  conception 
which  will  not  bear  a  moment's  examination.   There 

228 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

is  not  the  slightest  suggestion  upon  record  that  Christ 
set  any  limit  to  this  charge  which  He  gave  His  dis- 
ciples. On  the  contrary,  there  are  not  lacking  hints 
that  He  looked  for  the  possession  and  exercise  of 
this  power  wherever  His  spirit  breathed  in  men. 

Even  if  the  concluding  paragraph  of  St.  Mark's 
Gospel  were  a  later  appendix,  it  may  none  the  less 
have  been  a  faithful  echo  of  words  of  the  Master, 
as  it  certainly  is  a  trustworthy  record  of  the  belief 
of  the  early  Christians  as  to  the  thought  of  Jesus 
concerning  his  followers.  In  that  interesting  pas- 
sage, Jesus,  after  His  death,  appeared  to  the  eleven, 
and  formally  commissioned  them,  again,  to  take  up 
His  work  in  the  world;  bidding  them,  ''Go  ye  into 
all  the  world  and  preach  the  gospel  to  every  crea- 
ture." "And  these  signs,"  He  tells  them,  "shall  fol- 
low them  that  believe" — not  the  apostles  only,  but 
"them  that  believe,"  without  limit  of  time;  "in 
My  name  they  shall  cast  out  devils  .  .  .  they  shall 
lay  hands  on  the  sick  and  they  shall  recover."  ■  The 
concluding  discourse  to  the  disciples,  recorded  in  the 
Gospel  according  to  St.  John,  affirms  the  same  ex- 
pectation on  the  part  of  Jesus;  emphasizing  it  in 
His  solemn  way:  "Verily,  verily,  I  say  unto  you, 
He  that  believeth  on  Me,  the  works  that  I  do  shall 
he  do  also;  and  greater  works  than  these  shall 
he  do."2 

1  Mark  xvi,  15,  17,  18.  *  John  xiv,  12. 


APPENDIX  F 

Few  will  deny  that  an  intelligence  apart  from 
man  formed  and  governs  the  spiritual  universe 
and  man;  and  this  intelligence  is  the  eternal  Mind, 
and  neither  matter  nor  man  created  this  intelligence 
and  divine  Principle ;  nor  can  this  Principle  produce 
aught  unlike  itself.  All  that  we  term  sin,  sickness, 
and  death  is  comprised  in  the  belief  of  matter. 
The  realm  of  the  real  is  spiritual;  the  opposite  of 
Spirit  is  matter;  and  the  opposite  of  the  real  is 
unreal  or  material.  Matter  is  an  error  of  statement, 
for  there  is  no  matter.  This  error  of  premises  leads 
to  error  of  conclusion  in  every  statement  of  matter  as 
a  basis.  Nothing  we  can  say  or  believe  regarding 
matter  is  true,  except  that  matter  is  unreal,  simply 
a  belief  that  has  its  beginning  and  ending. 

The  conservative  firm  called  matter  and  mind 
God  never  formed.  The  unerring  and  eternal  Mind 
destroys  this  imaginary  copartnership,  formed  only 
to  be  dissolved  in  a  manner  and  at  a  period  unknown. 
This  copartnership  is  obsolete.  Placed  under  the 
microscope  of  metaphysics  matter  disappears.  Only 
by  understanding  there  are  not  two,  matter  and 
mind,  is  a  logical  and  correct  conclusion  obtained 
by  either  one.     Science  gathers  not  grapes  of  thorns 

240 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

or  figs  of  thistles.  Intelligence  never  produced  non- 
intelligence,  such  as  matter:  the  immortal  never 
produced  mortality,  good  never  resulted  in  evil. 
The  science  of  Mind  shows  conclusively  that  matter 
is  a  myth.  Metaphysics  are  above  physics,  and 
drag  not  matter,  or  what  is  termed  that,  into  one  of 
its  premises  or  conclusions.  Metaphysics  resolves 
things  into  thoughts,  and  exchanges  the  objects  of 
sense  for  the  ideas  of  Soul.  These  ideas  are  per- 
fectly tangible  and  real  to  consciousness,  and  they 
have  this  advantage — they  are  eternal.  Mind  and 
its  thoughts  comprise  the  whole  of  God,  the  universe, 
and  of  man.  Reason  and  revelation  coincide  with 
this  statement,  and  support  its  proof  every  hour,  for 
nothing  is  harmonious  or  eternal  that  is  not  spiritual : 
the  realization  of  this  will  bring  out  objects  from 
a  higher  source  of  thought;  hence  more  beautiful 
and  immortal. 

The  fact  of  spiritualization  produces  results  in 
striking  contrast  to  the  farce  of  materialization :  the 
one  produces  the  results  of  chastity  and  purity,  the 
other  the  downward  tendencies  and  earthward  gravi- 
tation of  sensualism  and  impurity. 

The  exalting  and  healing  effects  of  metaphysics 
show  their  fountain.  Nothing  in  pathology  has  ex- 
ceeded the  application  of  metaphysics.  Through 
mind  alone  we  have  prevented  disease  and  preserved 
health.  In  cases  of  chronic  and  acute  diseases,  in 
their  severest  forms,  we  have  changed  the  secretions, 
renewed  structure,  and  restored  health;  have  elon 
gated  shortened  limbs,  relaxed  rigid  muscjes,  made 
cicatrized  joints  supple;    restored  carious  bones  to 

241 


MARK    TWAIN 

healthy  conditions,  renewed  that  which  is  termed  the 
lost  substance  of  the  lungs;  and  restored  healthy 
organizations  where  disease  was  organic  instead  of 
functional. 


MRS.   EDDY    IN   ERROR 

I  feel  almost  sure  that  Mrs.  Eddy's  inspira- 
tion-works are  getting  out  of  repair.  I  think  so 
because  they  made  some  errors  in  a  statement 
which  she  uttered  through  the  press  on  the  17th  of 
January.  Not  large  ones,  perhaps,  still  it  is  a 
friend's  duty  to  straighten  such  things  out  and  get 
them  right  when  he  can.  Therefore  I  will  put  my 
other  duties  aside  for  a  moment  and  undertake  this 
helpful  service.     She  said  as  follows: 

In  view  of  the  circulation  of  certain  criticisms  from  the  pen 
of  Mark  Twain,  I  submit  the  following  statement: 

It  is  a  fact,  well  understood,  that  I  begged  the  students 
who  first  gave  me  the  endearing  appellative  "mother"  not  to 
name  me  thus.  But,  without  my  consent,  that  word  spread 
like  wildfire.  I  still  must  think  the  name  is  not  applicable  to 
me.  I  stand  in  relation  to  this  century  as  a  Christian  discoverer, 
founder,  and  leader.  I  regard  self -deification  as  blasphemous; 
I  may  be  more  loved,  but  I  am  less  lauded,  pampered,  provided 
for,  and  cheered  than  others  before  me — and  wherefore?  Be- 
cause Christian  Science  is  not  yet  popular,  and  I  refuse  adulation. 

My  visit  to  the  Mother  Church  after  it  was  built  and  dedi- 
cated pleased  me,  and  the  situation  was  satisfactory.  The  dear 
members  wanted  to  greet  me  with  escort  and  the  ringing  of 
bells,  but  I  declined,  and  went  alone  in  my  carriage  to  the 
church,  entered  it,  and  knelt  in  thanks  upon  the  steps  of  its 
altar.  There  the  foresplendor  of  the  beginnings  of  truth  fell 
mysteriously  upon  my  spirit.  I  believe  in  one  Christ,  teach 
one  Christ,  know  of  but  one  Christ.  I  believe  in  but  one  in- 
carnation, one  Mother  Mary,  and  know  I  am  not  that  one,  and 

243 


MARK    TWAIN 

never  claimed  to  be.  It  suffices  me  to  learn  the  Science  of  the 
Scriptures  relative  to  this  subject. 

Christian  Scientists  have  no  quarrel  with  Protestants,  Cath- 
olics, or  any  other  sect.  They  need  to  be  understood  as 
following  the  divine  Principle — God,  Love — and  not  imagined 
to  be  unscientific  worshipers  of  a  human  being. 

In  the  aforesaid  article,  of  which  I  have  seen  only  extracts, 
Mark  Twain's  wit  was  not  wasted  in  certain  directions.  Chris- 
tian Science  eschews  divine  rights  in  human  beings.  If  the  indi- 
vidual governed  human  consciousness,  my  statement  of  Christian 
Science  would  be  disproved,  but  to  understand  the  spiritual  idea 
is  essential  to  demonstrate  Science  and  its  pure  monotheism — 
one  God,  one  Christ,  no  idolatry,  no  human  propaganda.  Jesus 
taught  and  proved  that  what  feeds  a  few  feeds  all.  His  life- 
work  subordinated  the  material  to  the  spiritual,  and  He  left  this 
legacy  of  truth  to  mankind.  His  metaphysics  is  not  the  sport 
of  philosophy,  religion,  or  Science;  rather  it  is  the  pith  and  finale 
of  them  all. 

I  have  not  the  inspiration  or  aspiration  to  be  a  first  or 
second  Virgin  Mother — her  duplicate,  antecedent,  or  subsequent. 
What  I  am  remains  to  be  proved  by  the  good  I  do.  We  need 
much  humility,  wisdom,  and  love  to  perform  the  functions  of 
foreshadowing  and  foretasting  heaven  within  us.  This  glory  is 
molten  in  the  furnace  of  affliction. 

She  still  thinks  the  name  of  Our  Mother  not 
applicable  to  her;  and  she  is  also  able  to  remember 
that  it  distressed  her  when  it  was  conferred  upon 
her,  and  that  she  begged  to  have  it  suppressed.  Her 
memory  is  at  fault  here.  If  she  will  take  her  By- 
laws, and  refer  to  Section  i  of  Article  XXII,  written 
with  her  own  hand — she  will  find  that  she  has 
reserved  that  title  to  herself,  and  is  so  pleased  with 
it,  and  so — may  we  say  jealous? — about  it,  that  she 
threatens  with  excommunication  any  sister  Scientist 
who  shall  call  herself  by  it.    This  is  that  Section  i : 

The  Title  of  Mother.  In  the  year  1895  loyal  Christian  Scien- 
tists had  given  to  the  author  of  their  text-book,  the  Founder  of 

244 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

Christian  Science,  the  individual,  endearing  term  of  Mother. 
Therefore,  if  a  student  of  Christian  Science  shall  apply  this 
title,  either  to  herself  or  to  others,  except  as  the  term  for  kinship 
according  to  the  flesh,  it  shall  be  regarded  by  the  Church  as  an 
indication  of  disrespect  for  their  Pastor  Emeritus,  and  unfitness 
to  be  a  member  of  the  Mother  Church. 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  herself  the  Mother  Church — its 
powers  and  authorities  are  in  her  possession  solely — 
and  she  can  abolish  that  title  whenever  it  may  please 
her  to  do  so.  She  has  only  to  command  her  people, 
wherever  they  may  be  in  the  earth,  to  use  it  no 
more,  and  it  will  never  be  uttered  again.  She  is 
aware  of  this. 

It  may  be  that  she  "refuses  adulation"  when  she 
is  not  awake,  but  when  she  is  awake  she  encourages 
it  and  propagates  it  in  that  museum  called  "Our 
Mother's  Room,"  in  her  Church  in  Boston.  She 
could  abolish  that  institution  with  a  word,  if  she 
wanted  to.  She  is  aware  of  that.  I  will  say  a 
further  word  about  the  museum  presently. 

Further  down  the  column,  her  memory  is  un- 
faithful again: 

I  believe  in  .  .  .  but  one  Mother  Mary,  and  know  I  am 
not  that  one,  and  never  claimed  to  be. 

At  a  session  of  the  National  Christian  Science 
Association,  held  in  the  city  of  New  York  on  the 
27th  of  May,  1890,  the  secretary  was  "instructed  to 
send  to  our  Mother  greetings  and  words  of  affection 
from  her  assembled  children."1 

Her  telegraphic  response  was  read  to  the  Asso- 
ciation at  next  day's  meeting: 

xPage  24,  Official  Report. 
245 


MARK     TWAIN 

All  hail!  He  hath  filled  the  hungry  with  good  things  and 
the  sick  hath  He  not  sent  empty  away. — Mother  Mary.1 

Which  Mother  Mary  is  this  one?  Are  there  two? 
If  so,  she  is  both  of  them;  for,  when  she  signed  this 
telegram  in  this  satisfied  and  unprotesting  way,  the 
Mother  title  which  she  was  going  to  so  strenuously 
object  to,  and  put  from  her  with  humility,  and 
seize  with  both  hands,  and  reserve  as  her  sole 
property,  and  protect  her  monopoly  of  it  with  a 
stern  By-law,  while  recognizing  with  diffidence  that 
it  was  "not  applicable' '  to  her  (then  and  to-day) — 
that  Mother  title  was  not  yet  born,  and  would  not 
be  offered  to  her  until  five  years  later.  The  date  of 
the  above  "Mother  Mary"  is  1890;  the  "indi- 
vidual, endearing  title  of  Mother"  was  given  her 
"in  1895" — according  to  her  own  testimony.  See 
her  By-law  quoted  above. 

In  his  opening  Address  to  that  Convention  of 
1890,  the  President  recognized  this  Mary — our  Mary 
— and  abolished  all  previous  ones.     He  said: 

There  is  but  one  Moses,  one  Jesus;  and  there  is  but  one 
Mary.2 

The  confusions  being  now  dispersed,  we  have  this 
clarified  result : 

There  had  been  a  Moses  at  one  time,  and  only  one ; 
there  had  been  a,  Jesus  at  one  time,  and  only  one; 
there  is  a  Mary  and  "only  one."  She  is  not  a  Has 
Been,  she  is  an  Is — the  "Author  of  Science  and 
Health;  and  we  cannot  ignore  her."3 

1  Page  24,  Official  Report.      2Page  13 ,  Official  Report.      3  Ibid. 

246 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

i.  In  1890,  there  was  but  one  Mother  Mary. 
The  President  said  so. 

2.  Mrs.  Eddy  was  that  one.  She  said  so,  in  signing 
the  telegram. 

3.  Mrs.  Eddy  was  not  that  one — for  she  says  so, 
in  her  Associated  Press  utterance  of  January  17  th. 

4.  And  has  " never  claimed  to  be"  that  one — 
unless  the  signature  to  the  telegram  is  a  claim. 

Thus  it  stands  proven  and  established  that  she  is 
that  Mary  and  isn't,  and  thought  she  was  and  knows 
she  wasn't.     That  much  is  clear. 

She  is  also  "The  Mother,"  by  the  election  of 
1895,  and  did  not  want  the  title,  and  thinks  it  is 
not  applicable  to  her,  and  will  excommunicate  any 
one  that  tries  to  take  it  away  from  her.  So  that 
is  clear. 

I  think  that  the  only  really  troublesome  confusion 
connected  with  these  particular  matters  has  arisen 
from  the  name — Mary.  Much  vexation,  much  mis- 
understanding, could  have  been  avoided  if  Mrs. 
Eddy  had  used  some  of  her  other  names  in  place  of 
that  one.  "Mother  Mary"  was  certain  to  stir  up 
discussion.  It  would  have  been  much  better  if  she 
had  signed  the  telegram  "Mother  Baker";  then 
there  would  have  been  no  Biblical  competition,  and, 
of  course,  that  is  a  thing  to  avoid.  But  it  is  not 
too  late,  yet. 

I  wish  to  break  in  here  with  a  parenthesis,  and 
then  take  up  this  examination  of  Mrs.  Eddy's  Claim1 
of  January  17th  again. 

1,1  Claim."  In  Christian  Science  terminology,  "Claims'*  are 
errors  of  moral  mind,  fictions  of  the  imagination. 

247 


MARK    TWAIN 

The  history  of  her  "Mother  Mary"  telegram — as 
told  to  me  by  one  who  ought  to  be  a  very  good 
authority — is  curious  and  interesting.  The  telegram 
ostensibly  quotes  verse  53  from  the  "Magnificat," 
but  really  makes  some  pretty  formidable  changes 
in  it.     This  is  St.  Luke's  version: 

He  hath  filled  the  hungry  with  good  things,  and  the  rich 
He  hath  sent  empty  away. 

This  is  "Mother  Mary's"   telegraphed  version: 

He  hath  filled  the  hungry  with  good  things,  and  the  sick 
hath  He  not  sent  empty  away.1 

To  judge  by  the  Official  Report,  the  bursting  of 
this  bombshell  in  that  massed  convention  of  trained 
Christians  created  no  astonishment,  since  it  caused 
no  remark,  and  the  business  of  the  convention  went 
tranquilly  on,  thereafter,  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 

Did  those  people  detect  those  changes?  We  can- 
not know.  I  think  they  must  have  noticed  them, 
the  wording  of  St.  Luke's  verse  being  as  familiar  to 
all  Christians  as  is  the  wording  of  the  Beatitudes; 
and  I  think  that  the  reason  the  new  version  pro- 
voked no  surprise  and  no  comment  was,  that  the 
assemblage  took  it  for  a  "Key" — a  spiritualized 
explanation  of  verse  53,  newly  sent  down  from 
heaven  through  Mrs.  Eddy.  For  all  Scientists  study 
their  Bibles  diligently,  and  they  know  their  Mag- 
nificat. I  believe  that  their  confidence  in  the  authen- 
ticity of  Mrs.  Eddy's  inspirations  is  so  limitless  and 
so  firmly  established  that  no  change,  however  violent, 

*Page  24,  Official  Report. 
248 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

which  she  might  make  in  a  Bible  text  could  disturb 
their  composure  or1  provoke  from  them  a  protest. 

Her  improved  rendition  of  verse  53  went  into  the 
convention's  report  and  appeared  in  a  New  York 
paper  the  next  day.  The  (at  that  time)  Scientist 
whom  I  mentioned  a  minute  ago,  and  who  had  not 
been  present  at  the  convention,  saw  it  and  mar- 
veled ;  marveled  and  was  indignant — indignant  with 
the  printer  or  the  telegrapher,  for  making  so  careless 
and  so  dreadful  an  error.  And  greatly  distressed, 
too;  for,  of  course,  the  newspaper  people  would  fall 
foul  of  it,  and  be  sarcastic,  and  make  fun  of  it,  and 
have  a  blithe  time  over  it,  and  be  properly  thankful 
for  the  chance.  It  shows  how  innocent  he  was;  it 
shows  that  he  did  not  know  the  limitations  of  news- 
paper men  in  the  matter  of  Biblical  knowledge. 
The  new  verse  53  raised  no  insurrection  in  the  press; 
in  fact,  it  was  not  even  remarked  upon;  I  could  have 
told  him  the  boys  would  not  know  there  was  any- 
thing the  matter  with  it.  I  have  been  a  newspaper 
man  myself,  and  in  those  days  I  had  my  limitations 
like  the  others. 

The  Scientist  hastened  to  Concord  and  told  Mrs. 
Eddy  what  a  disastrous  mistake  had  been  made,  but 
he  found  to  his  bewilderment  that  she  was  tranquil 
about  it,  and  was  not  proposing  to  correct  it.  He 
was  not  able  to  get  her  to  promise  to  make  a  cor- 
rection. He  asked  her  secretary  if  he  had  heard 
aright  when  the  telegram  was  dictated  to  him;  the 
secretary  said  he  had,  and  took  the  filed  copy  of  it 
and  verified  its  authenticity  by  comparing  it  with 
the  stenographic  notes. 
17  249 


MARK    TWAIN 

Mrs.  Eddy  did  make  the  correction,  two  months 
later,  in  her  official  organ.  It  attracted  no  attention 
among  the  Scientists;  and,  naturally,  none  elsewhere, 
for  that  periodical's  circulation  was  practically  con- 
fined to  disciples  of  the  cult. 

That  is  the  tale  as  it  was  told  to  me  by  an  ex- 
Scientist.  Verse  53 — renovated  and  spiritualized — 
had  a  narrow  escape  from  a  tremendous  celebrity. 
The  newspaper  men  would  have  made  it  as  famous  as 
the  assassination  of  Caesar,  but  for  their  limitations. 

To  return  to  the  Claim.  I  find  myself  greatly 
embarrassed  by  Mrs.  Eddy's  remark:  "I  regard  self- 
deification  as  blasphemous."  If  she  is  right  about 
that,  I  have  written  a  half -ream  of  manuscript 
this  past  week  which  I  must  not  print,  either  in  the 
book  which  I  am  writing,  or  elsewhere:  for  it  goes 
into  that  very  matter  with  extensive  elaboration, 
citing,  in  detail,  words  and  acts  of  Mrs.  Eddy's 
which  seem  to  me  to  prove  that  she  is  a  faithful  and 
untiring  worshiper  of  herself,  and  has  carried  self- 
deification  to  a  length  which  has  not  been  before 
ventured  in  ages.  If  ever.  There  is  not  room 
enough  in  this  chapter  for  that  Survey,  but  I  can 
epitomize  a  portion  of  it  here. 

With  her  own  untaught  and  untrained  mind,  and 
without  outside  help,  she  has  erected  upon  a  firm 
and  lasting  foundation  the  most  minutely  perfect, 
and  wonderful,  and  smoothly  and  exactly  working, 
and  best  safeguarded  system  of  government  that 
has  yet  been  devised  in  the  world,  as  I  believe,  and 
as  I  am  sure  I  could  prove  if  I  had  room  for  my 
documentary  evidences  here. 

250 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

It  is  a  despotism  (on  this  democratic  soil);  a 
sovereignty  more  absolute  than  the  Roman  Papacy, 
more  absolute  than  the  Russian  Czarship;  it  has 
not  a  single  power,  not  a  shred  of  authority,  legisla- 
tive or  executive,  which  is  not  lodged  solely  in  the 
sovereign;  all  its  dreams,  its  functions,  its  energies, 
have  a  single  object,  a  single  reason  for  existing,  and 
only  the  one— to  build  to  the  sky  the  glory  of  the 
sovereign,  and  keep  it  bright  to  the  end  of  time. 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  the  sovereign;  she  devised  that 
great  place  for  herself,  she  occupies  that  throne. 

In  1895,  she  wrote  a  little  primer,  a  little  body  of 
autocratic  laws,  called  the  Manual  of  The  First 
Church  of  Christ,  Scientist,  and  put  those  laws  in 
force,  in  permanence.  Her  government  is  all  there; 
all  in  that  deceptively  innocent-looking  little  book, 
that  cunning  little  devilish  book,  that  slumbering 
little  brown  volcano,  with  hell  in  its  bowels.  In  that 
book  she  has  planned  out  her  system,  and  classified 
and  defined  its  purposes  and  powers. 


MAIN   PARTS    OF   THE    MACHINE 

A  Supreme  Church.    At  Boston. 

Branch  Churches.     All  over  the  world. 

One  Pastor  for  the  whole  of  them:  to  wit,  her  book, 
Science  and  Health.  Term  of  the  book's  officer — 
forever. 

In  every  C.  S.  pulpit,  two  "Readers,"  a  man  and 
a  woman.  No  talkers,  no  preachers,  in  any  Church 
— readers  only.     Readers  of  the  Bible  and  her  books — 

251 


MARK     TWAIN 

no  others.  No  commentators  allowed  to  write  or 
print. 

A  Church  Service.  She  has  framed  it — for  all  the 
C.  S.  Churches — selected  its  readings,  its  prayers, 
and  the  hymns  to  be  used,  and  has  appointed  the 
order  of  procedure.     No  changes  permitted. 

A  Creed.  She  wrote  it.  All  C.  S.  Churches  must 
subscribe  to  it.     No  other  permitted. 

A  Treasury.     At  Boston.     She  carries  the  key. 

A  C.  S.  Book-publishing  House.  For  books  ap- 
proved by  her.     No  others  permitted. 

Journals  and  Magazines.  These  are  organs  of  hers 
and  are  controlled  by  her. 

A  College.     For  teaching  C.  S. 


DISTRIBUTION      OF      THE      MACHINE'S      POWERS     AND 
DIGNITIES 

Supreme  Church. 

Pastor  Emeritus — Mrs.  Eddy. 

Board  of  Directors. 

Board  of  Education. 

Board  of  Finance. 

College  Faculty. 

Various  Committees. 

Treasurer. 

Clerk. 

First  Members  (of  the  Supreme  Church). 

Members  of  the  Supreme  Church. 

It  looks  fair,  it  looks  real,  but  it  is  all  a  fiction. 
Even  the  little  " Pastor  Emeritus'*  is  a  fiction. 
Instead  of  being  merely  an  honorary  and  orna- 

252 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

mental  official,  Mrs.  Eddy  is  the  only  official  in 
the  entire  body  that  has  the  slightest  power.  In  her 
Manual,  she  has  provided  a  prodigality  of  ways  and 
forms  whereby  she  can  rid  herself  of  any  functionary 
in  the  government  whenever  she  wants  to.  The 
officials  are  all  shadows,  save  herself;  she  is  the  only 
reality.  She  allows  no  one  to  hold  office  more  than 
a  year — no  one  gets  a  chance  to  become  over-popular 
or  over-useful,  and  dangerous.  "Excommunica- 
tion" is  the  favorite  penalty — it  is  threatened  at 
every  turn.  It  is  evidently  the  pet  dread  and  terror 
of  the  Church's  membership. 

The  member  who  thinks,  without  getting  his 
thought  from  Mrs.  Eddy  before  uttering  it,  is 
banished  permanently.  One  or  two  kinds  of  sinners 
can  plead  their  way  back  into  the  fold,  but  this  one, 
never.  To  think — in  the  Supreme  Church — is  the 
New  Unpardonable  Sin. 

To  nearly  every  severe  and  fierce  rule,  Mrs.  Eddy 
adds  this  rivet:  "This  By-law  shall  not  be  changed 
without  the  consent  of  the  Pastor  Emeritus.19 

Mrs.  Eddy  is  the  entire  Supreme  Church,  in  her 
own  person,  in  the  matter  of  powers  and  author- 
ities. 

Although  she  has  provided  so  many  ways  of 
getting  rid  of  unsatisfactory  members  and  officials, 
she  was  still  afraid  she  might  have  left  a  life-preserver 
lying  around  somewhere,  therefore  she  devised  a  rule 
to  cover  that  defect.  By  applying  it,  she  can  excom- 
municate (and  this  is  perpetual  again)  every  function- 
ary connected  with  the  Supreme  Church,  and  every 
one  of  the  twenty-five  thousand  members  of  that 

253 


MARK     TWAIN 

Church,  at  an  hour's  notice — and  do  it  all  by  herself 
without  anybody's  help. 

By  authority  of  this  astonishing  By-law,  she  has 
only  to  say  a  person  connected  with  that  Church  is 
secretly  practising  hypnotism  or  mesmerism;  where- 
upon, immediate  excommunication,  without  a  hear- 
ing, is  his  portion!  She  does  not  have  to  order  a 
trial  and  produce  evidence — her  accusation  is  all  that 
is  necessary. 

Where  is  the  Pope?  and  where  the  Czar?  As  the 
ballad  says: 

Ask  of  the  winds  that  far  away 
With  fragments  strewed  the  sea! 

The  Branch  Church's  pulpit  is  occupied  by  two 
<{  Readers."  Without  them  the  Branch  Church  is  as 
dead  as  if  its  throat  had  been  cut.  To  have  con- 
trol, then,  of  the  Readers,  is  to  have  control  of  the 
Branch  Churches.  Mrs.  Eddy  has  that  control — a 
control  wholly  without  limit,  a  control  shared  with 
no  one. 

i.  No  Reader  can  be  appointed  to  any  Church  in 
the  Christian  Science  world  without  her  express 
approval. 

2.  She  can  summarily  expel  from  his  or  her  place 
any  Reader,  at  home  or  abroad,  by  a  mere  letter  of 
dismissal,  over  her  signature,  and  without  furnishing 
any  reason  for  it,  to  either  the  congregation  or  the 
Reader. 

Thus  she  has  as  absolute  control  over  all  Branch 
Churches  as  she  has  over  the  Supreme  Church. 
This  power  exceeds  the  Pope's. 

254 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

In  simple  truth,  she  is  the  only  absolute  sovereign 
in  all  Christendom.  The  authority  of  the  other 
sovereigns  has  limits,  hers  has  none.  None  what- 
ever. And  her  yoke  does  not  fret,  does  not  offend. 
Many  of  the  subjects  of  the  other  monarchs  feel 
their  yoke,  and  are  restive  under  it;  their  loyalty  is 
insincere.  It  is  not  so  with  this  one's  human 
property;  their  loyalty  is  genuine,  earnest,  sincere, 
enthusiastic.  The  sentiment  which  they  feel  for  her 
is  one  which  goes  out  in  sheer  perfection  to  no  other 
occupant  of  a  throne;  for  it  is  love,  pure  from  doubt, 
envy,  exaction,  fault-seeking,  a  love  whose  sun  has 
no  spot — that  form  of  lovt,  strong,  great,  uplifting, 
limitless,  whose  vast  proportions  are  compassable  by 
no  word  but  one,  the  prodigious  word,  Worship.  And 
it  is  not  as  a  human  being  that  her  subjects  worship 
her,  but  as  a  supernatural  one,  a  divine  one,  one  who 
has  comradeship  with  God,  and  speaks  by  His  voice. 

Mrs.  Eddy  has  herself  created  all  these  personal 
grandeurs  and  autocracies — with  others  which  I  have 
not  (in  this  article)  mentioned.  They  place  her  upon 
an  Alpine  solitude  and  supremacy  of  power  and 
spectacular  show  not  hitherto  attained  by  any  other 
self-seeking  enslaver  disguised  in  the  Christian  name, 
and  they  persuade  me  that,  although  she  may 
regard  "self -deification  as  blasphemous,"  she  is  as 
fond  of  it  as  I  am  of  pie. 

She  knows  about  "Our  Mother's  Room"  in  the 
Supreme  Church  in  Boston — above  referred  to — for 
she  has  been  in  it.  In  a  recently  published  North 
American  Review  article,1  I  quoted  a  lady  as  saying 

1 1902. 
255 


MARK    TWAIN 

Mrs.  Eddy's  portrait  could  be  seen  there  in  a  shrine, 
lit  by  always-burning  lights,  and  that  C.  S.  disciples 
came  there  and  worshiped  it.  That  remark  hurt 
the  feelings  of  more  than  one  Scientist.  They  said 
it  was  not  true,  and  asked  me  to  correct  it.  I  comply 
with  pleasure.  Whether  the  portrait  was  there  four 
years  ago  or  not,  it  is  not  there  now,  for  I  have 
inquired.  *The  only  object  in  the  shrine  now,  and 
lit  by  electrics — and  worshiped — is  an  oil-portrait 
of  the  horsehair  chair  Mrs.  Eddy  used  to  sit  in  when 
she  was  writing  Science  and  Health!  It  seems  to  me 
that  adulation  has  struck  bottom,  here. 

Mrs.  Eddy  knows  about  that.  She  has  been 
there,  she  has  seen  it,  she  has  seen  the  worshipers. 
She  could  abolish  that  sarcasm  with  a  word.  She 
withholds  the  word.  Once  more  I  seem  to  recognize 
in  her  exactly  the  same  appetite  for  self-deification 
that  I  have  for  pie.  We  seem  to  be  curiously  alike; 
for  the  love  of  self-deification  is  really  only  the 
spiritual  form  of  the  material  appetite  for  pie,  and 
nothing  could  be  more  strikingly  Christian-Scien- 
tifically  "harmonious." 

I  note  this  phrase: 

Christian  Science  eschews  divine  rights  in  human  beings. 

"Rights"  is  vague;  I  do  not  know  what  it  means 
there.  Mrs.  Eddy  is  not  well  acquainted  with  the 
English  language,  and  she  is  seldom  able  to  say  in  it 
what  she  is  trying  to  say.  She  has  no  ear  for  the 
exact  word,  and  does  not  often  get  it.  "Rights." 
Does  it  mean  "honors"?  "attributes"? 

' '  Eschews. ' '  This  is  another  umbrella  where  there 
256 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

should  be  a  torch ;  it  does  not  illumine  the  sentence, 
it  only  deepens  the  shadows.  Does  she  mean 
"denies"?  "refuses"?  "forbids"?  or  something  in 
that  line  ?     Does  she  mean : 

1 '  Christian  Science  denies  divine  honors  to  human 
beings"?     Or: 

"Christian  Science  refuses  to  recognize  divine 
attributes  in  human  beings"?     Or: 

"Christian  Science  forbids  the  worship  of  human 
beings"? 

The  bulk  of  the  succeeding  sentence  is  to  me  a 
tunnel,  but,  when  I  emerge  at  this  end  of  it,  I  seem 
to  come  into  daylight.  Then  I  seem  to  understand 
both  sentences — with  this  result: 

"Christian  Science  recognizes  but  one  God,  forbids 
the  worship  of  human  beings,  and  refuses  to  recognize 
the  possession  of  divine  attributes  by  any  member 
of  the  race." 

I  am  subject  to  correction,  but  I  think  that  that 

is  about  what  Mrs.  Eddy  was  intending  to  convey. 

Has  her  English — which  is  always  difficult  to  me — 

beguiled   me  into  misunderstanding  the  following 

remark,  which  she  makes  (calling  herself  "we,"  after 

an  old  regal  fashion  of  hers)  in  her  Preface  to  her 

Miscellaneous  Writings?  ' 

While  we  entertain  decided  views  as  to  the  best  method  for 
elevating  the  race  physically,  morally,  and  spiritually,  and  shall 
express  these  views  as  duty  demands,  we  shall  claim  no  especial 
gift  from  our  divine  origin,  no  supernatural  power. 

Was  she  meaning  to  say: 

"Although  I  am  of  divine  origin,  and  gifted  with 
supernatural  power,  I   shall  not  draw  upon    these 

1  Page  3. 

257 


MARK    TWAIN 

resources  in  determining  the  best  method  of  elevat- 
ing the  race"? 

If  she  had  left  out  the  word  "our,"  she  might 
then  seem  to  say : 

"I  claim  no  especial  or  unusual  degree  of  divine 
origin — " 

Which  is  awkward — most  awkward;  for  one 
either  has  a  divine  origin  or  hasn't;  shares  in  it, 
degrees  of  it,  are  surely  impossible.  The  idea  of 
crossed  breeds  in  cattle  is  a  thing  we  can  entertain, 
for  we  are  used  to  it,  and  it  is  possible;  but  the  idea 
of  a  divine  mongrel  is  unthinkable. 

Well,  then,  what  does  she  mean?  I  am  sure  I  do 
not  know,  for  certain.  It  is  the  word  "our"  that 
makes  all  the  trouble.  With  the  "our"  in,  she  is 
plainly  saying  "my  divine  origin."  The  word 
"from"  seems  to  be  intended  to  mean  "on  account 
of."  It  has  to  mean  that  or  nothing,  if  "our"  is 
allowed  to  stay.     The  clause  then  says: 

"I  shall  claim  no  especial  gift  on  account  of  my 
divine  origin." 

And  I  think  that  the  full  sentence  was  intended 
to  mean  what  I  have  already  suggested : 

"Although  I  am  of  divine  origin,  and  gifted  with 
supernatural  power,  I  shall  not  draw  upon  these 
resources  in  determining  the  best  method  of  elevating 
the  race." 

When  Mrs.  Eddy  copyrighted  that  Preface  seven 
years  ago,  she  had  long  been  used  to  regarding  herself 
as  a  divine  personage.  I  quote  from  Mr.  F,  W. 
Peabody 's  book : ' 

1  Boston:  15  Court  Square, 
258 


CHRISTIAN    SCIENCE 

In  the  Christian  Science  Journal  for  April,  1889,  when  it  was 
her  property,  and  published  by  her,  it  was  claimed  for  her,  and 
with  her  sanction,  that  she  was  equal  with  Jesus,  and  elaborate 
effort  was  made  to  establish  the  claim. 

Mrs.  Eddy  has  distinctly  authorized  the  claim  in  her  be- 
half, that  she  herself  was  the  chosen  successor  to  and  equal 
of  Jesus. 

The  following  remark  in  that  April  number,  quoted 
by  Mr.  Peabody,  indicates  that  her  claim  had  been 
previously  made,  and  had  excited  "horror"  among 
some  "good  people": 

Now,  a  word  about  the  horror  many  good  people  have 
of  our  making  the  Author  of  Science  and  Health  "  equal  with 
Jesus." 

Surely,  if  it  had  excited  horror  in  Mrs.  Eddy  also, 
she  would  have  published  a  disclaimer.  She  owned 
the  paper;  she  could  say  what  she  pleased  in  its 
columns.  Instead  of  rebuking  her  editor,  she  lets 
him  rebuke  those  "good  people"  for  objecting  to  the 
claim. 

These  things  seem  to  throw  light  upon  those 
words,  "our  [my]  divine  origin." 

It  may  be  that  "Christian  Science  eschews  divine 
rights  in  human  beings,"  and  forbids  worship  of  any 
but  "one  God,  one  Christ";  but,  if  that  is  the  case, 
it  looks  as  if  Mrs.  Eddy  is  a  very  unsound  Christian 
Scientist,  and  needs  disciplining.  I  believe  she  has 
a  serious  malady — "  self -deification " ;  and  that  it 
will  be  well  to  have  one  of  the  experts  demonstrate 
over  it. 

Meantime,  let  her  go  on  living— for  my  sake. 
259 


MARK    TWAIN 

Closely  examined,  painstakingly  studied,  she  is 
easily  the  most  interesting  person  on  the  planet, 
and,  in  several  ways,  as  easily  the  most  extraordinary 
woman  that  was  ever  born  upon  it. 

P.  S. — Since  I  wrote  the  foregoing,  Mr.  Mc- 
Crackan's  article  appeared  (in  the  March  number  of 
the  North  American  Review).  Before  his  article  ap- 
peared— that  is  to  say,  during  December,  January, 
and  February — I  had  written  a  new  book,  a  char- 
acter-portrait of  Mrs.  Eddy,  drawn  from  her  own 
acts  and  words,  and  it  was  then — together  with  the 
three  brief  articles  previously  published  in  the  North 
American  Review — ready  to  be  delivered  to  the 
printer  for  issue  in  book  form.  In  that  book,  by 
accident  and  good  luck,  I  have  answered  the  objec- 
tions made  by  Mr.  McCrackan  to  my  views,  and 
therefore  do  not  need  to  add  an  answer  here.  Also, 
in  it  I  have  corrected  certain  misstatements  of  mine 
which  he  has  noticed,  and  several  others  which  he 
has  not  referred  to.  There  are  one  or  two  important 
matters  of  opinion  upon  which  he  and  I  are  not  in 
disagreement;  but  there  are  others  upon  which  we 
must  continue  to  disagree,  I  suppose;  indeed,  I  know 
we  must;  for  instance,  he  believes  Mrs.  Eddy  wrote 
Science  and  Health,  whereas  I  am  quite  sure  I  can 
convince  a  person  unhampered  by  predilections  that 
she  did  not. 

As  concerns  one  considerable  matter  I  hope  to 
convert  him.  He  believes  Mrs.  Eddy's  word;  in  his 
article  he  cites  her  as  a  witness,  and  takes  her  testi- 
mony at  par;  but  if  he  will  make  an  excursion  through 
my  book  when  it  comes  out,  and  will  dispassionately 

260 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

examine  her  testimonies  as  there  accumulated,  I 
think  he  will  in  candor  concede  that  she  is  by  a  large 
percentage  the  most  erratic  and  contradictory  and 
untrustworthy  witness  that  has  occupied  the  stand 
since  the  days  of  the  lamented  Ananias. 


i  .. 


CONCLUSION 

Broadly  speaking,  the  hostiles  reject  and  repu- 
diate all  the  pretensions  of  Christian  Science  Chris- 
tianity. They  affirm  that  it  has  added  nothing 
new  to  Christianity;  that  it  can  do  nothing  that 
Christianity  could  not  do  and  was  not  doing  before 
Christian  Science  was  born. 

In  that  case  is  there  no  field  for  the  new  Chris- 
tianity, no  opportunity  for  usefulness,  precious  use- 
fulness, great  and  distinguished  usefulness  ?  I  think 
there  is.  I  am  far  from  being  confident  that  it  can 
fill  it,  but  I  will  indicate  that  unoccupied  field — 
without  charge — and  if  it  can  conquer  it,  it  will  de- 
serve the  praise  and  gratitude  of  the  Christian  world, 
and  will  get  it,  I  am  sure. 

The  present  Christianity  makes  an  excellent  pri- 
vate Christian,  but  its  endeavors  to  make  an  excellent 
public  one  go  for  nothing,  substantially. 

This  is  an  honest  nation — in  private  life.  The 
American  Christian  is  a  straight  and  clean  and 
honest  man,  and  in  his  private  commerce  with  his 
fellows  can  be  trusted  to  stand  faithfully  by  the 
principles  of  honor  and  honesty  imposed  upon  him 
by  his  religion.  But  the  moment  he  comes  forward 
to  exercise  a  public  trust  he  can  be  confidently 
counted  upon  to  betray  that  trust  in  nine  cases  out 
of  ten,  if  "party  loyalty"  shall  require  it. 

262 


CHRISTIAN     SCIENCE 

If  there  are  two  tickets  in  the  field  in  his  city,  one 
composed  of  honest  men  and  the  other  of  notorious 
blatherskites  and  criminals,  he  will  not  hesitate  to 
lay  his  private  Christian  honor  aside  and  vote  for 
the  blatherskites  if  his  " party  honor"  shall  exact  it. 
His  Christianity  is  of  no  use  to  him  and  has  no 
influence  upon  him  when  he  is  acting  in  a  public 
capacity.  He  has  sound  and  sturdy  private  morals, 
but  he  has  no  public  ones.  In  the  last  great  munic- 
ipal election  in  New  York,  almost  a  complete  one- 
half  of  the  votes  representing  3,500,000  Christians 
were  cast  for  a  ticket  that  had  hardly  a  man  on  it 
whose  earned  and  proper  place  was  outside  of  a  jail. 
But  that  vote  was  present  at  church  next  Sunday 
the  same  as  ever,  and  as  unconscious  of  its  perfidy 
as  if  nothing  had  happened. 

Our  Congresses  consist  of  Christians.  In  their 
private  life  they  are  true  to  every  obligation  of  honor ; 
yet  in  every  session  they  violate  them  all,  and  do  it 
without  shame;  because  honor  to  party  is  above 
honor  to  themselves.  It  is  an  accepted  law  of  public 
life  that  in  it  a  man  may  soil  his  honor  in  the  interest 
of  party  expediency — must  do  it  when  party  expe- 
diency requires  it.  In  private  life  those  men  would 
bitterly  resent — and  justly — any  insinuation  that  it 
would  not  be  safe  to  leave  unwatched  money  within 
their  reach;  yet  you  could  not  wound  their  feelings 
by  reminding  them  that  every  time  they  vote  ten 
dollars  to  the  pension  appropriation  nine  of  it  is 
stolen  money  and  they  the  marauders.  They  have 
filched  the  money  to  take  care  of  the  party;  they 
believe  it  was  right  to  do  it;    they  do  not  see  how 

263 


MARK    TWAIN 

their  private  honor  is  affected;  therefore  their  con- 
sciences are  clear  and  at  rest.  By  vote  they  do 
wrongful  things  every  day,  in  the  party  interest, 
which  they  could  not  be  persuaded  to  do  in  private 
life.  In  the  interest  of  party  expediency  they  give 
solemn  pledges,  they  make  solemn  compacts;  in  the 
interest  of  party  expediency  they  repudiate  them 
without  a  blush.  They  would  not  dream  of  com- 
mitting these  strange  crimes  in  private  life. 

Now  then,  can  Christian  Science  introduce  the 
Congressional  Blush?  There  are  Christian  Private 
Morals,  but  there  are  no  Christian  Public  Morals,  at 
the  polls,  or  in  Congress  or  anywhere  else — except 
here  and  there  and  scattered  around  like  lost  comets 
in  the  solar  system.  Can  Christian  Science  persuade 
the  nation  and  Congress  to  throw  away  their  public 
morals  and  use  none  but  their  private  ones  hence- 
forth in  all  their  activities,  both  public  and  private  ? 

I  do  not  think  so;  but  no  matter  about  me:  there 
is  the  field — a  grand  one,  a  splendid  one,  a  sublime 
one,  and  absolutely  unoccupied.  Has  Christian 
Science  confidence  enough  in  itself  to  undertake  to 
enter  in  and  try  to  possess  it  ? 

Make  the  effort,  Christian  Science;  it  is  a  most 
noble  cause,  and  it  might  succeed.  It  could  suc- 
ceed. Then  we  should  have  a  new  literature,  with 
romances  entitled,  How  To  Be  an  Honest  Congress- 
man Though  a  Christian;  How  To  Be  a  Creditable 
Citizen  Though  a  Christian. 


THE   END 


Princeton  Theological  SemnfH  L'brafies 


11 


1    1012  01300  9354 


